SQUIBS 


OF 


OR 


EYEKY-DAY   LIFE    ILLUSTKATED. 


PALMER    COX. 

(SC  DONIM.) 


"  Sights  outlandish  W9uld  you  see  ? 
Hear  things  scrumptious  ?  come  w 


with  me.'  ' 


Old 


SOLD    BY    SUBSCRIPTION    ONLY. 


HARTFORD,  CONN.: 
MUTUAL    PUBLISHING    COMPANY. 

A.  ROMAN  &  CO.,  SAN  FRANCISCO,  CAL. 
1874. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  18*74,  by  the 

MUTUAL  PUBLISHING  COMPANY, 
In  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


To 

COL  UMB  US     IV A  TEH  I/O  USE, 
of   San    Francisco, 

A     UUOI>     -MAN     AND     TKl/K, 

THIS     ILLUSTRATED     DIARY 

IS 
INSCRIBED. 


96093 


PREFATORY. 


For  launching  this  Book  adrift  upon  the  great  sea  of 
letters  I  have  no  apology  to  offer.  Having  carried 
the  manuscript  with  me  for  a  year,  adding  to  its  pages 
daily,  it  has  grown  too  heavy  for  my  pocket  and  I 
now  saddle  the  public  with  the  burden. 

THE  AUTHOR. 


CONTENTS. 


Page 

THE  TASK .- 17 

THE  NEW  YEAR 19 

FINDING  A  WAIF 23 

A  NIGHT  OF  TERROR 25 

SCENES  ON  THE  SIDEWALK 28 

THE  REJECTED  SUITOR 34 

A  FAMILY  JAR 39 

JIM  DUDLEY'S  FLIGHT  FROM  GOSPORT. 44 

A  CUNNING  DODGE 55 

WHAT  A  FALL  WAS  THERE 59 

A  REMARKABLE  FORENSIC  EFFORT 60 

A  TERRIBLE  TAKE  IN 66 

THE  GRANGER 70 

SERIOUS    REFLECTIONS 72 

THE  ROD  OF  CORRECTION 74 

DINING  UNDER  DIFFICULTIES 77 

THE  THIEF,  RICHARD  ROE  80 

"  STILL  HARPING  ON  MY  DAUGHTER  " 86 

AH  TIE 89 

MY  DRIVE  TO  THE  CLIFF 92 

SECOND  SIGHT 97 

A  CAT-ASTROPHE -. 100 

GONE  FROM  His  GAZE 102 

ST.  PATRICK'S  DAY 104 

THE  CONTENTED  FROG 109 

SAM  PATTERSON'S  BALLOON 115 

A  TRIP  TO  THE  MOUNTAINS 133 

ALL  FOOLS'  DAY 144 

FINDING  A  HORSE  SHOE  IN  THE  WAY 149 

AN  EVENING  WITH   SCIENTISTS 157 

CORA  LEE ^ :.  160 

THE  COUNTRYMAN'S  TOOTH 166 

AN  IMPATIENT  UNDERTAKER 168 

ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS 175 

JIM  DUDLEY'S  RACE  TO  GRAB  CORNERS 178 

A  TERRIBLE  NOSE 194 

SPORTIVE  WINDS 199 

A  MASKED  BATTERY 201 

OUR  TABLE  GIRL.  .                                                                        .  208 


xii  •       CONTENTS. 

THE  PRIZE  THAT  I  DIDN'T  WIN 209 

AN  OLD  WOMAN  IN  PERIL 212 

JUNE 217 

A  LETTER  AND  ITS  POSTSCRIPT 219 

DUDLEY'S  FIGHT  WITH  DR.  TWEEZER 223 

MY  NEIGHBOR  WORSTED 235 

MINING  STOCKS 238 

A  VISIT  TO  BENICIA 241 

ROLLER    SKATING 247 

ODE  ON  A  FLEA - 248 

SOMETHING  TOO  MUCH  OF  INDIAN 251 

COURT  ROOM  SCENES 253 

PEEPING  TOM 257 

GOING  UP  THE  SPOUT 259 

THE  BREATHING  SPELL.  . .' 267 

YOUNG  AMERICA 268 

FIGHTING  IT  OUT  ON  THAT  LINE 271 

JIM  DUDLEY'S  SERMON 274 

THE  DISPUTED  WAY 296 

THE  POISONED  PET 298 

HEELS  UP  AND  HEAD  DOWN 301 

FISHING  FOR   A  WIFE  303 

A  WRATHFUL   SENORITA 312 

A  STRANGER  AND  THEY  TOOK  HIM  IN 315 

THE  MAID  OF  VALLEJO 320 

THE  BITTER  END 322 

ADVENTURE  OF  DAVID  GOYLE 326 

A  TRIP  TO  THE  INTERIOR 339 

THE  ART  GALLERY 335 

A  TRIP  TO  OAKLAND 359 

A  ROLLING   STONE 366 

DUDLEY  AND  THE  GREASED  PIG 369 

SAN  RAFAEL 386 

RIDING  IN  THE  STREET  CARS 389 

THE  VALUE  OF  A  COLLAR 398 

HUNTING  WITH  A  VENGEANCE. 402 

QUAINT  EPITAPHS 409 

MISTAKEN   IDENTITY 414 

SIMON    RAND 418 

VISITING  A  SCHOOL 430 

DufeT  TO  DUST ". 433 

To  HAVE  AND  TO  HOLD 435 

A  REMARKABLE  MEAN   MAN 437 

WHO  WAS  HIS  NEIGHBOR 450 

THE  MASON'S  RIDE 454 

THE  COBBLER'S  END 457 

DUDLEY'S  FIGHT  WITH  THE  TEXAN 463 

FLIRTING  AND  WHAT  CAME  OF  IT 480 

CHRISTMAS  EVE 481 

THE  LAST  OF  HIS  RACE 484 

GLOOMY  REFLECTIONS 486 

THE  DYING  YEAR.  .  .  489 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PACK. 

1  SAM  PATTERSON'S  BALLOON (Frontispiece.) 

2  ILLUMINATED  TITLE-PAGE — 

3  THE  TASK 1" 

4  RETROSPECTION 18 

5  STARTING  Ocr 20 

6  A  LITTLE  MIXED 22 

7  FINDING  WITHOUT  SEEKING 24 

8  A  ROUSING  EVENT 26 

9  Os  THE  TRAIL 28 

10  WHAT  WE  HOPE  TO  BE 29 

11  A  MINOR  WHO  WILL  SOON  BE  MINUS 30 

12  HOLT  WKDLOCK 31 

13  BACCHUS  (FROM  A  MODERN  STATUE) 33 

14  A  SUITOR  NON-SUITED \ 35 

15  VAGABOND  DOG 38 

16  STRANGER  WHO  WENT  NOT  IN 40 

17  THE  STRANGER  WHO  WENT  IN 43 

13  BOB  BROWSER 45 

19  THE  BUTCHER  THROWS  LTGHT  ON  THE  MATTER 49 

20  OLD  HARLEY  ON  THE  WAR  PATH 53 

21  ADVANCE  OF  THE  CRIPPLE  BRIGADE 57 

22  THE  QUACK 58 

23  NEG  LECTED  LIBRARY '. .  59 

24  THE  ADVOCATE 61 

25  BILL  OF  DIVORCE 65 

26  "PAY  IN  ADVANCE  " , 67 

27  "EMPEROR  NORTON,"  (A  FREE  LUNCH  FIEND) 69 

28  "  No  THOROUGHFARE  " 70 

29  StUBBORN    PlG 71 

30  A  REAR  ATTACK 76 

3t  BUMMERS  ON  A  RAID 78 

32  RlCHAKD  ROE,  THE  THIEF 81 

33  THE  JUDGE 83 

34  BALLANDCHAIN 85 

i5  ROCK  OF  AGES , 88 

36  A  TIGHT  PLACE 90 

37  SLIGHTLY  EMBARRASSING 94 

33  BADLY  MIXKD .  95 

39  MONK F.Y  AND  GOAT..., 96 

40  THE  ECONOMIST  SKEINO  DOUBLE...  99 


xiv  ILLUSTRATIONS. 

41  STRING  OF  SAUSAGES % 103 

42  IN  THE  MORNING 105 

43  IN  THE  EVENING 106 

44  IN  MEDITATION    110 

45  "HiTTiN'HiM" 113 

46  INVALID  FROG 114 

47  SAM  PATTERSON 116 

48  ATTEMPTED  ABDUCTION  OF  SAM'S  WIFE 120 

49  "  AFLUKIN'" '. 123 

50  "  Go  IN,  CRIPPLE  " 129 

51  A  RIGHT-ANGLED  TRY- ANKLE 131 

52  NECK  TO  NECK , 135 

53  STEAM  LET  ON 139 

54  "BLOW  ME  UP!" 142 

55  STEAMER 143 

56  IMPS  AT  WORK ' 144 

57  SOLD 145 

58  TERRIBLE  ASSAULT 148 

59  THE  CUARM 151 

60  REPAIRS  NEEDED .- 154 

61  THE  PRESIDENT  OF  THE  ACADEMY 156 

62  THE  CHIEF 162 

63  BEHIND  THE  BARS 165 

64  BUSINESS  is  BUSINESS 171 

65  ABE  DRAKE 180 

66  KATE  KYKERT 182 

67  MRS.  O'LAUGHLAN 186 

68  Jusr  AS  IT  WAS 187 

69  CURING  PEOPLE'S  CORXS 19L 

70  THE  "  SHIN-DIG  " 193 

71  BURSTING  His  BUGLE 195 

72  A  PROMINENT  NOSE 198 

73  THE  KITING  DAME 199 

74  THE  MERRY  MONTH  OF  MAY 200 

75  THE  ONE-EYED  SWEDE 202 

76  NEEDED  AIR 205 

77  PRE-EMPTION 207 

78  THE  BEST  SHOT 210 

79  GETTING  HER  BACK  UP 214 

80  JUNE 217 

81  THE  DECLARATION 218 

82  SHIFTING  A  RESPONSIBILITY 220 

83  GOING  FOR  THE  DOCTOR 226 

84  HANDS  UP  AND  HEADS  DOWN 229 

85  ALAS:    POOR  DOCTOR   231 

86  RETREATING  IN  DISORDER 237 

87  SAVAGE  STOCK  GOING  UP 239 

88  SAVAGE  STOCK  COMING  DOWN 240 

89  ONE  OF  HEENAN'S  MEMENTOS 243 

90  A  SCIENTIFIC  OPENING 245 

91  ON  THE  ROLLERS 247 

92  FLEA  IN  LIMBO 248 

93  "  AHA  !  " 250 

94  "  SHADOWS  OF  SHASTA  " 251 

95  A  DROWSY   JURY 255 

96  BLUSHING  FOR  MARY 257 

97  THE  LICENTIOUS  PRIEST ,..  258 


ILLUSTRATIONS.  xv 

98  AN  OBJECT  OF  SUSPICION 260 

99  ON  A  RAID 262 

100  GOING  WITH  THE  TIDE 266 

101  READY  FOB  THE  4TH 268 

1'J2  CELEBRATING  THE  4TH 269 

103  MAKING  THINGS  HUM 270 

104  SOMETHING  NEW < 275 

105  THE  DOCTOR'S  SCOURGE 278 

106  JOEGKIMSBY 283 

107  TBUTH  is  POWERFUL 2S3 

108  MR.  SPUDD 221 

109  THE  OLD  INTERROGATOR 292 

110  HATING  A  QUIET  TIME 300 

111  THE  CRONE 304 

112  MEANING  BUSINESS 307 

113  PARTNER  WANTED 303 

114  THE  HAPPY  BRIDK 311 

115  GOING  IT  BLIND". 314 

116  AN  OLD  SALT 316 

117  ANY  PORT  IN  A  STORM 319 

118  THE  MAID  OF  VALLEJO •. 330 

119  INFANTILE  SPORT • 321 

120  LIVELY  WORK 324 

121  PERFORATED  SKULL 325 

122  ROPING  THE  MILLEE 330 

123  A  ONE-SIDED  OPERATION '. 335 

124  A  GREENHOBN'S  SEARCH 336 

125  SACRAMENTO  MOSQUITO  ON  THE  SCENT.. 340 

126  TOTHE  HILT  IN  BLOOD 342 

127  THK  ORCHESTRA 345 

12S  MACBETH 348 

129  OTHELLO 349 

130  THE  ACTRESS 351 

131  A  HASTY  TOILET 354 

132  TARQUINAND  LUCKECK...; 356 

133  "LOVK'S  YOUNG  DREAM  "  357 

134  CASTING  BREAD  UPON  THE  WATERS 360 

135  "  GooD-B Y E  " 361 

136  BOUND  TO  RISE 363 

137  SICK  AND  COULDN'T  HELP  BUT  SHOT  IT 364 

138  SICK  AND  HAD  TO  GET  UP  AND  GO  IT 365 

139  A  THROUGH  PASSENGER ; 367 

140  JUDGE  PE RKINS 373 

141  A  RISE  IN  THE  FRUIT  BUSINESS 375 

142  BOW-LEGGED  SPINNY 378 

1 43  NIP  AND  TUCK 382 

144  MORE  LIGHT  ON  THE  SUBJECT 38? 

145  THE  FIRE  DEPARTMENT , 333 

M5  THB  SIGNAL  STATION 390 

147  FATHER  SLOROPPY 393 

14S  SNIFFING  THB  BATTLE  FROM  AFAR 395 

149  "On!" 397 

150  Xo  COLLAR  NO  CRUMBS 399 

151  ADVANCE  OF  THE  EXPEDITION ' 403 

152  BOGGS  RETRIEVING  HIS  GAME 406 

153  RIDDLED  PANTS 408 

154  THE  SEXTON ...  413 


xvi  ILLUSTRATIONS. 

155  A  DIVINE  IN  LIMBO 416 

156  "  HOMEWARD  BOUND  " 417 

157  THE  MUSK... 418 

158  KEVENGK  is  SWEET ; 421 

159  THE  EXPLORING  PAKTY 423 

160  UP  HE  COMES 426 

161  UNPROMISING  OUTLOOK 428 

162  HEAD  or  HIS  CLASS 430 

163  FOOT  OF  HER  CLASS 431 

164  "  WHOOP  LA  " 432 

165  THE  TSYING  MOMENT 436 

166  SLEEPY  DOBY 440 

167  OPENING  HIS  HEART 443 

168  SWEARING  TO  GET  EVEN 447 

169  "  THOU  ART  80  NEAR  AND  YET  SO  FAR  ". 449 

170  THE  STRANGER 451 

171  TAKINGAPEEP 453 

172  THE  ROCKY  ROAD  TO  MASONRY       455 

173  THE  TRADITIONAL  GRIDIRON. 456 

174  A  MOVING  SCENE 460 

175  SHUFFLING  OFF  THK  MORTAL  Coir 461 

176  GLASS-EYED  BILL 465 

177  THE  MINISTKRIAL-LOOKING  MAN 468 

178  STARTLING  DISCLOSURES 474 

179  THE  DISPUTED  PLANT 479 

180  THE  FLIRT 480 

181  "  PRISONER  OF  CHILLOX  " 485 

182  "TFIE  PASSING  YEAR  " 489 

..  491 


THE   TASK, 


JANUARY  1st. 


Time's  wave  another  year  has  drowned. 
And  I,  poor  wight,  once  more  am  found 
"With  sharpened  lead  and  pensive  look, 
Bent  o'er  a  blank  unsullied  book. 
I  gaze  upon  the  countless  leaves. 
White  as  the  shroud  that  winter  weave?. 

Around  pale  autumn's  clay ; 
And  muse  how  scenes  the  coming  year, 
Shall  patiently  be  pictured  here, 

Let  hap  what  happen  may. 


is 


THE   TASK. 

Why  do  you  toil  while  others  sleep  ? 
Why  museful  sit  in  silence  deep? 
Why  self  impose  an  onerous  task 
To  last  a  year  ?  companions  ask. 
And  this  my  answer  to  the  query  ; 
That  I  may  make  the  moody,  cheery — 
That  when  old  age  dries  up  my  veins — 
And  creaky  bones  are  split  with  pains — 
When  Hope  no  more  my  hand  inspires, 
And  Fancy  to  her  cell  retires, 
These  pages  as  they  meet  my  ga/e — 
Shall  mirror  scenes  of  youthful  days. 


THE  NEW  YEAR. 


HEIGH  HO,  the  Xew  Year  is  again  upon  us  with 
its  open  houses,  its  "hope  you're  well's,"  and 
its  "bye  bye's." 

Let  what  will  grow  dull  or  rusty,  the  sweeping 
scythe  of  old  Time  is  eyer  sharp  and  busy.  How 
tempered  must  be  that  blade  which  nothing  can  dull 
or  turn  aside. 

Now  as  I  sit  by  rny  window  and  look  pensively  out 
upon  the  streets  I  see  them  crowded  with  callers, 
all  anxious  to  enlarge  the  circle  of  their  acquain 
tances.  They  ring,  scrape,  and  wait.  The  door 
opens  and  they  disappear  from  my  view,  but  fancy 
pictures  them  out  as  they  doubtless  appear  inside, 
embarrassed  because  of  a  painful  dearth  of  words. 
The  weather,  fortunately,  is  a  standing  theme  of 
conyersation.  It  will  always  bear  comment,  and 
but  for  this  how  many  callers — who  perhaps  can 
hardly  come  under  the  head  of  acquaintances — would 


*V  '  KING    FASHION. 

wish  themselves  well  out  upon  the  street  again,  even 
before  sampling  the  customary. wine  and  cake. 

But  Fashion  is  King,  and  when  he  nods,  his  satellites 
and  minions  must  obey  or  perish.  But  I,  who  come 
not  under  the  awe  of  his  scepter,  have  few  calls  to 
make.  With  a  leaking  roof  and  no  bolt  to  my 
door  I  can  keep  "open  house"  without  going  to  the 


STARTING   OUT. 

expense  of  procuring  cake  or  wine,  and  for  this  left- 
handed  blessing  may  the  Lord  make  me  truly  thankful. 
I  have  been  sitting  by  my  window  most  of  the  day 


MORNING    AND    EVENING.  21 

watching  gentlemen — who  were  not  so  fortunate  as 
myself.  And  I  notice  with  considerable  pain — for  as 
reader  and  writer  cannot  understand  each  other  too 
soon  I  may  as  well  inform  you  at  once  that  1  am  a 
philanthropist — that  some  of  these  callers  present  an 
aspect  in  the  evening  quite  different  from  their  festive 
morning  appearance.  Here,  for  instance,  is  a  sketch 
of  an  exquisite  as  he  appears  when  starting  to  make 
his  numerous  calls.  Mark  what  grace  is  in  every 
movement  as  he  struts  the  pavement  with  military 
precision,  adjusting  his  lavender  colored  kids  as  he 
goes.  There  is  something  in  the  airy  set  of  his  stylish 
new  stove-pipe,  in  the  very  easy  elegance  of  manner 
with  which  he  holds  the  crystal  orb  over  his  left  optic, 
that  bespeaks  the  born  gentleman.  Not  to  a  rise  in 
stocks,  he  would  tell  you,  or  a  lucky  lottery  ticket, 
that  he  owes  his  carriage,  but  to  a  line  of  ancestors 
which  he  can  trace  back,  perhaps,  to  the  very  loins  of 
William  the  Conqueror. 

Look  now  upon  this  picture.  -  The  unpracticed  eye 
could  hardly  recognize  the  gentleman,  and  yet  this  is 
the  same  sociable,  but  absent-minded  individual,  as 
he  appeared  in  the  evening  frogging  up  the  steps  of 
the  dwelling  opposite,  to  make  his  third  call  upon  the 
same  family.  He  is  evidently  "  turned  around,"  poor 
fellow.  Ah,  this  mixing  of  liquors  will  play  the  deuce 
with  a  man  and  no  mistake  about  it.  The  young 
ladies  with  mouths  ajar  and  dilated  eyes,  look  out  upon 
him  through  partially  closed  blinds.  But  he  recks 


EVERY    CALL    COUNTS. 


not  of  it  as  lie  leans  backward,  pulling  and  jerking 
at  the  bell  knob  as  though  he  was  drawing  on  a  tight 


A    LITTLE    MIXED. 


boot.  The  bell-hanger  will  doubtless  have  a  job  in 
that  house  to-morrow.  The  question  naturally  arises, 
will  they  chalk  the  gentleman  down  as  a  caller  each 
time  he  favors  them  with  his  presence  ?  Now  that  I 
think  of  it  they  might  do  so  with  an  easy  conscience, 
for  he  is  certainly  not  the  man  he  was  when  he  first 
offered  the  compliments  of  the  day. 


FINDING-  A  WAIF. 


JANUARY  4rra. 

while  roaming  around  through  an  old  ceme- 
tery  in  which  the  dead  are  no  longer  buried,  owing 
to  its  close  proximity  to  the  city,  I  came  across  ail  old 
vault,  and  looking  through  a  crevice  by  the  door,  dis 
covered  what  appeared  to  be  a  bundle  of  clothes.  My 
curiosity  was  awakened.  Hunting  around  I  found  a 
piece  of  wire,  made  a  hook  of  it,  and  fastening  it  to  a 
pole,  fished  out  the  bundle.  Wonders  on  wonders !  it 
proved  to  be  a  new  born  babe,  nicely  dressed  in  white 
muslin,  and  wrapped  carefully  in  a  shawl.  The  child 
was  dead,  however,  but  had  the  appearance  of  having 
been  in  the  vault  but  a  short  time,  and  of  having  been 
alive  when  deposited  there.  It  had  been  lowered  into 
the  vault  with  a  piece  of  window  curtain  cord  through 
an  aperture  in  the  top.  It  was,  in  all  likelihood,  a 
little  intruder  on  some  person's  happiness,  that  could 
well  be  dispensed  with.  The  discovery  of  these  little 


&*  GROWING   TIRESOME. 

unfortunates  is  a  common  occurrence  in  San  Francisco. 

We  find  them  in  the  vacant  lots,  there  are  many  here  about ; 
And  often  when  we  go  to  fish  the  fish-hook  hauls  them  out. 

This  kind  of  business  is  beginning  to  grow 
monotonous  with  me.  Am  I  set  apart  by  Provi 
dence  for  the  purpose  of  discovering  these  super 
fluous  waifs?  I  can't  go  hunting,  fishing,  or  even 
musing  over  the  sand  hills,  but  I  return  to  town  car- 


F 


FINDING    WITHOUT    SEEKING. 


rying  a  dead  infant  by  the  heels,  while  a  rabble  of 
inquisitive  children  clatters  in  mv  wake. 


XI3"   C7  7ZP.P.CP., 


•\  r  ^  . .   „  •       .  •  - 


:-•: 


:-:- 


26 


TAKES    FOUR   TO    BALANCE. 


but  the  product  was  unequal  to  the  fury  that  was  rag 
ing  without.  There  was  no  more  similarity  than  a 
baby's  rattle  bears  to  a  Chinese  gong. 

Then  I  fished  out  the  storm  that  howled  while  Mac 
beth  was  murdering  Duncan,  and  chucked  it  in  with 


A   ROUSING   EVENT. 

the  others.     This  addition  made  things  about  even. 
The  "lamentations   heard   i'  the  air"  of  Macbeth's 


A  NUISANCE   FOE   ONCE    ABATED.  27 

tempest,  were  a  fair  precedent  of  the  clamorous  uproar 
from  the  fire  bell  in  the  City  Hall  tower.  Only  an 
earthquake  was  lacking  to  enable  us  to  say  "the 
earth  was  feverous,  and  did  shake,"  or  boast  a  night 
outvieing  four  of  the  roughest  on  record,  all  woven, 
into  one. 

It  had  one  good  effect,  however, — one  for  which 
poison  and  boot-jacks  have  been  tried  in  vain  :  it  dried 
up  the  dogs  and  cats  pretty  quick.  Their  midnight 
carousals  were  as  rare  as  they  were  in  Paris  just  before 
the  capitulation.  Quarrelsome  curs  postponed  the 
settlement  of  their  little  differences,  and  deliant  barks, 
until  such  times  as  they  would  be  able  to  discover 
themselves  whether  they  barked  or  yawned,  and  cats 
sought  other  places  besides  a  fellow's  window-sill  to 
chant  their  amatory  tales  of  love. 

I  know  the  rain  is  refreshing,  the  wind  purifying,  the 
lightning  grand,  and  the  thunder  awe-awakening;  but 
as  the  poor  land-lubber  advised,  when  he  was  clinging 
to  the  spar  of  the  wrecked  vessel,  "  Praise  the  sea, 
but  keep  on  land,"  so  I  say  to  those  people  who  want 
to  cock  their  willing  ears  like  a  war  horse  to  catch  the 
sublime  rumble  of  Heaven's  artillery,  or  sit  by  their 
window  and  blink  at  the  blazing  sky,  like  a  bedazzled 
owl  at  a  calcium  light ;  but  I  know  one  individual 
who  could  have  got  along  quite  as  well  if  there  had 
raged  no  war  of  the  elements.  He  would  have  slept 
soundly  and  never  kn^wn  how  much  he  lost. 


SCENES  ON  THE  SIDEWALK. 


I  sit  at  my  window  to  view  the  odd  sights, 
And  whatever  to  study  or  action  invites 
Upon  the  white  paper  before  me  I  spread, 
By  aid  of  my  constant  companion  the  Lead. 
A  lady  of  Fashion  sails  by  like  a  queen, 


JANUARY  BTH, 


DOWN    HILL. 

With  ruffles  and  lace,  and  her  satin  de  chine. 

Her  shimmering  train  as  it  now  sweeps  the  street, 

Is  playing  the  deuce  with  a  gentleman's  feet. 

It  is  painfully  plain  an  apology's  due  ; 

But  which  should  apologize  first  of  the  two  ? 

And  next,  an  old  man  full  of  years  shuffles  by, 

His  nose  to  the  dust,  and  his  back  to  the  sky, 


WHAT   WE    HOPE    TO    BE. 


The  few  snowy  hairs  that  still  cling  to  his  head, 

Far  down  o'er  his  collar  untidily  spread. 

And  who  now  would  think  that  the  feeble  dry  hand 

That  hardly  can  free  the  rude  cane  from  the  sand, 

Once  swung  a  long  saber,  that  cut  its  way  through 

The  cuirassiers'  helmets  at  famed  Waterloo  ? 

Old  Time  warps  the  figure  firm  knitted  and  square, 


30  THE   DIAMOND   SEEKER. 

He  sharpens  the  feature,  he  blanches  the  hair, 
And  bows  the  proud  head,  be  it  ever  so  high ; 
This  much  hath  he  done,  for  the  man  passing  by. 
Away,  to  the  fields  of  the  diamond  and  ruby, 
The  miner  sets  out  like  a  consummate  booby ; 
What  loads  the  poor  devil  proposes  to  pack : 
His  rifle,  his  shovel,  his  grub,  and  his  sack  •, 


A   MINER   WHO   WILL   SOON    BE   MINUS. 

His  rifle  to  guard  against  numerous  ills, 

His  shovel  to  shovel  his  way  to  the  hills, 

The  long  leather  sack,  that  he  bears  in  his  hand, 

To  hold  the  bright  gems  he  may  pick  from  the  sand ; 


THE   WEDDING. 

In  fancy  I  see  him  ascend  the  steep  hill, 
Or  traverse  the  plain  with  his  sack  empty  still  ; 
While  down  on  his  head  ever  scorching-hot  rays 
Descend  from  the  unclouded  sun  like  a  blaze, — 
Too  far  from  his  friends,  and  too  nigh  to  his  foes, 
Who  welcome  the  stranger  with  arrows  and  bows, 
And  rifles,  and  war-clubs,  and  hatchets  of  stone, 
And  weapons  for  scalping,  and  lances  of  bone. 
Trudge  on  to  your  treasure  (?)  poor  dupe  of  the  knave 
And  prey  of  the  savage — pass  on  to  your  grave. 
No*  stepping  as  one  see  the  new  married  pair 
Emerge  from  the  church.     What  a  contrast  is  there ! 
Come  haste  to  the  window  and  gaze  out  with  me — 


31 


HOLT   WEDLOCK. 

Ere  they  enter  their  carriage  the  pair  you  may  see. 
Oh,  May  and  December !  extremes  of  the  year, 


32  THE  COQUET. 

When  linked  thus  together,  how  odd  they  appear ; 

The  bride  in  her  teens,  with  a  mind  as  unstable 

As  ladders  of  fame,  or  a  medium's  table  ; 

With  a  riotous  pulse,  and  her  blood  all  aglow 

With  the  fervor  of  passion,  of  pleasure,  and  show. 

The  bridegroom  is  pussy,  rheumatic  and  old, 

His  teeth  are  in  rubber,  his  blood  thin  and  cold  ; 

His  nose  tells  a  tale  of  inordinate  drams, 

The  gout  has  laid  hold  of  his  kidney-shaped  yams ; 

The  hairs  on  his  cranium  scattering  stand, 

Like  nourishing  blades  on  a  desert  of  sand. 

I  muse  as  I  gaze  on  their  arms  softly  twined, 

How  soon  some  young  maidens  can  alter  their  mind. 

Tis  scarcely  three  weeks  since  I  heard  her  declare, 

When  speaking  of  him,  who  now  walks  by  her  there, 

In  marriage  she  never  would  give  him  her  hand 

Though  rolling  in  gems,  like  a  horse  in  the  sand. 

But  she  clings  to  him  now,  as  a  green  sappy  vine 

Embraces  the  trunk  of  a  time-honored  pine ; 

While  her  looks  and  her  manner  would  seem  to  imply 

That  she  never  before  on  a  man  cast  an  eye ; 

But  I,  delving  back  through  the  layers  of  Time, 

Exhume  the  pale  ghost  of  a  youth  in  his  prime, 

Whose  feelings  were  tortured,  whose  reason  was  muddied, 

Whose  pistol  was  emptied,  whose  temple  was  ruddied ; 

Because  of  coquetry  so  heartless  and  strange, 

Her  passion  for  diamonds,  her  longing  for  change. 

Pass  on,  happy  bride,  with  your  beaming  young  face, 

May  happiness  still  with  your  moments  keep  pace, 

And  never  mistrust  pierce  the  groom  at  your  side 

That  wealth,  and  not  virtues,  have  won  him  his  bride. 

Now  bent  o'er  a  hydrant  poor  Bacchus  I  see, 

The  victim  of  drink  and  free  lunches  is  he. 


THE   MODEBN   BACCHUS. 

Oh,  look  at  him  well,  the  great  awkward  lout, 
Who  straddles  and  shuffles  and  sprawls  himself  out ; 
Who  heaves  like  the  whale  when  upon  the  dry  shore 


38 


BACCHUS  (FROM  A  MODERN  STATUE.) 

It  vomited  forth  the  old  prophet  of  yore; 
Unlike  the  fair  god  that  mythology  shows, 
This  Bacchus — that  yonder  his  liquor  upthrows. 
In  pivoting  round  he  is  taking  due  care 
To  trust  not  to  legs,  for  support  is  not  there  ; 
He  clings  to  his  stay  like  a  fiend  to  a  soul, 
To  leave  that  support,  in  the  dust  is  to  roll, 
Which  fact  is  apparent  to  you  and  to  me, 
And  plain  to  this  Bacchus  as  A,  B,  and  C. 
2* 


THE  REJECTED. SUITOR. 


JANUARY  lOra. 

D  TIKES' Gr  our  pilgrimage  through  this  vale  of  tears, 
we  are  seldom  called  to  contemplate  a  sadder 
spectacle,  or  one  that  more  quickly  awakens  to  life 
the  dying  sparks  of  our  sympathy,  than  that  presented 
by  a  discarded  lover;  especially  if  the  suitor  has 
reached  the  shady  side  of  life.  It  is  a  picture  that 
once  seen  is  not  soon  forgotten. 

Here  is  the  rejected  suitor,  whom  I  last  night  saw 
leaving  the  residence  of  one  around  whose  cold,  irre 
sponsive  heart  his  own  had  fluttered. 

"What  a  study  for  the  painter,  as  he  moves  away 
from  the  house,  leaving  all  hope  behind. 

He  crosses,  for  the  last  time,  the  threshold  over 
which  he  has  so  often  stepped  with  a  joyous  pulse 
and  an  admiring  smile,  offering  a  sweet-scented  bouquet 
perhaps,  or  some  more  substantial  present,  when  faith 
was  firm  and  maidens  supposed  to  be  true. 

And  it  generally  so  happens,  at  such  a  distressful 


UNFAIR    TREATMENT. 


35 


time,  when  a  poor  fellow's  cup  seems  full,  even  to 
overflowing,  that  his  successful  rival  is  confoundedly 
uhaw-hawy,"  and  seizes  the  opportunity  to  make 


A    SUITOR    NON-SUITED. 


abortive  attempts  to  be  witty,  and  in  the  fullness  of 
his  joy  does  not  hesitate  to  draw  odious  comparisons 
at  the  expense  of  the  unhappy  cast-away.  And  that 


36  THE   REJECTED   SUITOR. 

gentleman,  not  having  the  remotest  idea  that  he  is 
watched,  unfortunately  leaves  himself  painfully  liable 
to  the  shafts  of  humor.  By  the  careless  manner  in 
which  he  has  adjusted  his  hat,  the  utter  abandon  he 
manifests  in  thrusting  both  hands  into  his  breeches 
pockets,  and  the  grievous  lassitude  with  which  he 
moves  down  the  walk,  he  opens  wide  the  door  for 
criticism's  eager  entrance.  Everything  behind  him  is 
bitter,  and  nothing  before  him  is  sweet.  He  looks 
into  the  future  much  as  a  fly  peers  into  an  inkstand. 

The  prospect  is  dark,  and  the  odor  anything  but 
inviting.  He  does  not  care  the  turning  of  his  hand 
whether  he  lives  or  dies.  Let  us  in  charity  hope,  that 
if  fall  they  must,  the  clouds  which  now  darken  his 
sky  and  threaten  to  inundate  him,  may  break  on 
younger  heads,  better  able  to  bear  up  under  the 
awful  pressure.  Let  us  hope  that  despondency  may 
not  get  the  better  of  him,  and  cause  him  to  drop 
uncalled  for  into  the  presence  of  his  Maker,  with  a 
self-adjusted  rope  around  his  neck. 

Heaven  keep  far  away  from  us  such  terrible  thoughts 
as  those  which  crowd  through  the  head  of  the  poor, 
discarded  suitor. 


MY    CANINE. 

JANUARY  HTH. 
"  If  you  have  tears,  prepare  to  shed  them  now." 

Shakespeare. 

Some  fond  poets  sing  of  their  lady-love's  eyes, 

Or  lovers  who  sail  the  seas  over; 
But  poet-like  I  shall  gaze  up  at  the  skies, 

And  muse  of  my  little  dog  Rover. 

The  canine  I  sing,  to  disease  is  a  prey ; 

The  mange,  the  distemper,  and  flea, 
Have  all  had  their  turn,  and  have  worn  him  away ; 

Itts  shadow  you  scarcely  can  see. 

1'.  jm  earliest  light,  until  late  in  the  night, 

He's  dodging  hot  water  and  sticks ; 
I'm  shamed  to  confess  it,  but  truth  I  must  write, 

He's  a  foot-ball  that  every  one  kicks. 

I  hear  his  thin  cry,  and  his  frightened  "ki  yi," 

Almost  any  hour  of  the  day  ; 
And  Bridget's  "Bad  'cess  to  the  likes  of  your  Skye, 

Sure  he's  here,  and  he's  there  like  a  flay." 

Upon  his  poor  body  the  hair  has  all  died, 

Tis  smooth  and  as  bare  as  your  hand ; 
I  vow  I  believe  there's  no  life  in  his  hide, 

It  looks  just  as  if  it  were  tanned. 


38  A    SORROWFUL    STORY. 

His  blood  is  so  thin  that  he  never  is  warm, 
And  keenly  he  feels  the  cold  weather ; 

He  shivering  stands  with  tail  end  to  the  storm, 
And  his  four  feet  all  huddled  together. 


He  suffers  sad  woe  as  his  body  doth  show, 
His  face  bears  a  hopeful  expression  ; 

He  seems  to  be  wondering  why  he's  a  foe, 
Who  never  commits  a  transgression. 

He's  only  a  dog  in  the  dark  to  be  sure, 

But  I  who  am  singing  his  praises, 
Know  accident  often  exalts  the  low  boor, 

While  merit  is  crowded  to  blazes. 

How  oft  do  we  see  the  chief  dunce  of  the  town, 

With  head  like  a  turnip  or  melon, 
Advanced  to  the  Bench,  or  clergyman's  gown, 

Though  thought  to  be  born  for  a  felon. 

Dost  laugh  at  my  song  ?     Well,  I  care  not  a  pin, 

My  notion  I  never  shall  loose  ; 
I  know  that  my  dog  has  a  spirit  within, 

That  cannot  be  crushed  by  abuse. 


A  FAMILY  JAB. 


JANUARY  12TH. 

AND  it  came  to  pass,  upon  the  eleventh  day  of  the 
present  month,  while  a  certain  traveler  was  jour 
neying  along  the  highway  which  leadeth  into  the  coun 
try  round  about  the  Mission,  that  he  came  to  a  place 
where  there  was  a  house.  And  as  he  drew  nigh  unto 
it  he  heard  a  great  noise  therein,  and  the  noise  was 
like  unto  the  cry  that  went  up  to  Heaven  when  the 
hosts  of  Brian  Boroo  did  engage  their  enemies  in  the 
bogs  of  Ireland.  And  the  stranger  marveled  much 
when  he  heard  the  great  tumult  within,  and  he  drew 
nigh  to  the  window  that  he  might  learn  the  cause, 
and  lo  !  the  husband  and  the  wife  were  engaged  in  bat 
tle  ;  and  as  he  stood  without  and  looked  in,  he  saw 
the  husband  wage  war  upon  his  wife  with  his  clenched 
hdnds,  and  the  wife  wage  war  upon  her  husband  with 
a  rolling-pin.  And  the  traveler  communed  within 
himself — for  he  was  a  shrewd  man,  and  one  not  given 
to  act  without  deliberation, — "  Surely,  this  is  some 


40  "ITS  NOT  MY   FRIEND." 

family  difference,  and  it  is  not  meet  that  I  should 
make  the  quarrel  mine,  or  enter  in  and  remonstrate, 
for  behold,  I  am  new  risen  from  the  couch  of  pain, 
and  weak  withal,  and  perad  venture  they  would  turn 
upon  me,  and  beat  me,  and  send  me  away  in  pain." 


STRANGER   WHO    WENT   NOT   IN. 


So  he  turned  again  from  the  window,  and  went  not  in, 
but  proceeded  on  his  journey,  and  left  the  husband 
contending  against  his  wife,  and  the  wife  contending 
against  her  husband. 


APPARENTLY   A   FREE  FIGHT.  41 

And  when  he  was  a  great  way  off,  he  turned  him 
round  to  listen,  and  lo !  the  noise  of  battle  fell  upon 
his  ear  even  greater  than  before.  And  he  said  unto 
himself,  as  he  stood  in  the  way:  "Surely,  this  is 
indeed  a  great  battle,  and  I  now  repent  me  that  I 
went  not  in  to  remonstrate  while  I  was  yet  at  the 
house."  So  he  kept  on  his  way  repenting,  but  turned 
not  back  again  to  enter  in. 

And  not  many  minutes  after,  behold,  another  trav 
eler  was  passing  by  that  way,  and  he  also  heard  the 
noise  of  battle  proceeding  from  the  house  which  was 
standing  by  the  wayside.  And  the  tumult  that  he 
heard  coming  from  within  that  house  was  like  unto 
the  noise  which  ascended  up  when  the  powers  of 
Michael  and  of  Satan  did  mingle  upon  the  battle 
ments  of  Heaven.  And  as  he  drew  nigh  to  the  door, 
he  heard  the  sound  of  the  husband's  hands  as  they 
fell  upon  the  body  of  the  wife,  and  also  the  sound  of 
the  wife's  rolling-pin  as  it  fell  upon  the  head  of  the 
husband.  And  he  communed  thus  within  himself — 
for  he  was  a  peace-loving  man,  one  who  delighted  not 
in  war :  "  Surely,  this  is  a  family  jar,  and  it  is  meet 
that  I  should  enter  in  and  interfere,  else  peradven- 
ture,  there  will  be  murder  done  within  this  house ; 
and  I  will  appear  as  one  accessory  to  the  deed  if  I 
enter  not  in  to  stay  the  broil,  but  pass  on,  leaving 
arm  to  contend  against  arm,  and  tongue  against 


4:2  COUNTS    HIMSELF   IN. 

tongue."  So  the  traveler  delayed  not,  but  ran  into 
the  house,  even  through  the  hallway,  and  passed  on  to 
the  inner  room,  where  they  did  assail  one  another. 
And  laying  hold  of  the  husband,  as  he  contended 
with  his  wife,  he  cried  out  to  him  after  this  manner : 
"Why  do  ye  go  beyond  the  brutish  beast  in  this 
unseemly  broil,  and  spare  neither  sex  nor  kin  ?  Cease 
to  lay  violent  hands  upon  the  woman !  is  she  not  flesh 
of  thy  flesh,  and  bone  of  thy  bone  ?  Then  wherefore 
will  ye  do  this  thing  ? " 

Then  did  the  husband  cease  beating  his  wife,  and 
turning  about,  saluted  the  stranger,  and  this  was  the 
manner  of  his  salutation :  "  Is  she  not  mine  own  ? 
And,  moreover,  whose  house  is  this  ?  do  I  not  answer 
for  the  rent  thereof,  and  do  I  not  say  to  whom  I  will, 
come  in,  and  to  whom  I  will,  stand  without  ?  Then, 
wherefore  are  ye  entered  in  at  my  door,  and  I  invited 
you  not?  Neither  went  I  about  seeking  to  make 
myself  known  unto  you." 

Then  also  the  wife  ceased  to  lay  violent  strokes 
upon  her  husband,  and  raising  her  voice,  she  also 
saluted  the  stranger,  saying :  "  Aye,  wherefore  came 
ye  in  ?  Come,  let  us  beat  him." 

So  they  did  both  lay  hands  upon  the  stranger,  as 
he  attempted  to  pass  out  by  the  door  and  avoid  them ; 
and  they  did  beat  him  soundly  there  within  the  house ; 
and  the  wife  laid  hold  of  him  and  held  him,  that  the 
husband  might  beat  him :  then,  also,  the  husband  laid 


THE   RESULT.  43 

hold  of  the  stranger  and  held  him,  that  the  wife  might 
beat  him.  And  they  did  rend  his  raiment,  and  did 
pull  hair  from  his  head,  and  hair  also  from  his  jaws 
in  abundance.  And  he  did  cry  out  with  agony. 

Then  did  he  swallow  divers  and  many  teeth,  there 
in  the  presence  of  the  husband  and  of  the  wife. 

So  they  left  not  off  beating  the  stranger,  but  drag 
ged  him  to  the  door,  even  through  the  hallway  by 


THE    STRANGER    WHO   WENT    IN. 

which  he  entered,  and  rolled  him  into  the  street,  and 
sent  him  away  lame. 

Now,  which  of  these  two  travelers  showed  the 
greatest  wisdom :  he  that  entered  not  in,  but  after 
wards  wished  that  he  had,  or  he  that  entered  in,  and 
afterwards  wished  that  he  ha,d  not  ? 


JIM  DUDLEY'S  FLIGHT  FROM  GOSPORT. 


JANUARY  13TH. 

"  Thou  canst  not  say  I  did  it ; 
Never  shake  your  squalling  babe  at  me." 

Shakespeare  mixed. 

THAT  blabbing  Hoosier,  Bob  Browser,  has  found 
me  out,  and  paid  me  a  call,  boring  me  with  his 
confounded  stories.  Even  as  a  hungry  parrot  when 
crackers  are  in  view,  or  as  a  miller's  hopper  when 
water  is  high  and  the  farmer's  meal  bags  low,  he 
rattles  right  along  with  copious  discourse. 

"  The  devil  you  say !  Did  you  know  Jim  Dudley  ? 
"What !  him  as  the  boys  in  Gosport  used  to  call  Carrot 
Top  Jim  ?  Wai,  I'll  be  derned  if  that  ain't  queer. 
"Wasn't  he  the  allfiredest  shirk  you  ever  did  see  ?  Pre- 
haps  you  remember  how  mity  sudden  he  left  Gosport 
jest  before  the  war  ?  Oh,  that's  so,  sure  enough,  you 
went  north  sometime  afore  that. 

""Wai,  that  cuss  was  etarnally  gettin'  in  some  scrape 
or  another ;  I  do  jest  think  I've  helped  that  Jim  out  of 
more  close  corners  than  there  are  buildin's  in  this  yer 


COURTING  THE    BUTCHER  8    DAUGHTER.  45 

town.      Yer  see  him  and   I  was  great  chums,   and 
roomed  at  the  same  house  on  York  Street.     Jim  was 


BOB   BROWSER. 


a  courtin'  a  butcher's  darter  that  lived  out  near  the 
cem't'ry  for  'bout  a  year  afore  he  left,  leastwise  he 
was  a  totin'  of  her  around  considerable,  and  all  the  old 
wimmin  in  the  neighborhood  had  him  married  to  her 
more'n  a  dozen  of  times.  I  kind  of  had  my  doubts 


46  JIM   DUDLEY    IN    HASTE   TO   GO. 

about  him  gettin'  married,  'cause  he  was  pooty  wild, 
and  sometimes  I'd  ask  him  when  the  nuptils  were  a 
comin'  off;  but  he'd  allers  shuffle  out  of  it  by  say  in' 
when  they  did  come  I'd  git  an  invite,  and  kind  of  larf 
it  off  jest  that  way. 

"  One  night  pooty  soon  arter  I  had  got  into  bed  I 
heered  some  one  thumpin'  at  my  door,  and  afore  I 
had  time  to  say  anythin'  Jim  Dudley  was  plum  across 
the  room  and  standin'  by  the  bedside. 

" t  Bob,'  ses  he,  jest  that  way,  'we've  got  to  part 
agin'  and  I've  come  to  gin  your  paw  a  shake  afore  I 
leave.' 

" { What  in  thunder's  up  now,  Jim  ?'  ses  I,  pooty  sur 
prised  and  settin'  up  amazin'  fast  in  bed  to  strike  a 
light,  'cause  I  allers  liked  Jim.  Drat  my  pictur,  if  I 
didn't.  He  stuck  to  me  like  a  love-sick  gal  when  I 
was  down  with  the  yaller  fever — that  cuss  of  the 
Southern  bottoms.  I  was  peeled  down  so  mity  thin 
that  I  didn't  make  a  shadder  only  arter  I'd  been  eatin 
corn  dodgers  or  somethin'  that  wasn't  transparent. 
Soon  as  I  got  a  light  I  seed  his  face  was  tombstun 
white  exceptin'  some  long  red  scratches  onto  it,  that 
made  me  think  thar  had  been  cats  aclawin'  of  him. 

" '  I  haint  time  to  gin  perticulars  now,  but  water's 
gettin'  too  almity  shaller  for  me  in  Gosport,'  ses  he, 
jest  that  way.  'And  I'm  gwine  to  pull  out  for 
deeper  soundin's.  I  want  to  head  off  the  night  ex 
press,  and  as  I've  got  only  fifteen  minutes  to  do  it  in 


APPEARANCE  AT  THE  BUTCHERS.         47 

must  be  a  movinV  and  givin'  my  hand  a  rattlin*  shake 
he  turned,  and  before  I  could  say  scat  he  was  goin* 
down  the  stairs  like  a  bucket  fallin'  down  a  well,  and 
I  thought  he  hadn't  more  than  got  to  the  middle  of 
the  flight  when  I  heer'd  the  door  a  slammin'  to  be 
hind  him. 

"  I  lay  awake  thar'  for  hours  thinkin'  and  wonderin' 
what  on  airth  could  have  turned  up  ugly  enough  to 
make  Jim  dust  out  of  town  so  alfired  sudden,  bein'  as 
how  he  was  doin'  pooty  well  peeun'ar'ly — that  is,  for 
him. 

"  1  kind  of  mistrusted  somethin'  had  gone  wrong 
with  him  out  to  old  Hurley's — the  butcher's.  So  the 
next  day,  bein'  kind  of  curious,  I  took  a  stroll  out 
that  way,  to  look  around  a  Jeetle  and  see  what  was 
goin'  on.  I  seed  a  glaz'er  a  fussin'  round  a  winder, 
and  old  Hurley  sittin'  on  the  steps  lookin'  mity 

solemn  at  a  hat — which  I  knowed  was  Jim's — that 

j. 

was  a  hangin'  on  a  bush  in  the  garden. 

"  Thar  were  some  old  wimmin  a  flutterin'  around 
through  the  house,  but  I  didn't  see  anythin'  of  the 
darter. 

"  Some  months  arter  this  the  war  was  a  bilin'  and  I 
jined  a  company  and  went  down  to  Cairo  to  go  into 
camp.  By  thunder !  would  you  believe  it  ?  almost  the 
first  man  I  ran  ag'm'  was  Jim  Dudley  !  He'd  enlisted 
in  a  hoss  regiment  up  to  St.  Louis,  and  come  down  to 
camp  a  few  days  afore  me.  We  were  both  mity  tickled 


48 

to  meet  one  another  right  thar,  so  we  p'inted  for  a  she 
bang  to  licker  up  a  leetle,  and  while  we  were  sittin' 
thar,  talkin'  about  old  times,  ses  I  to  him : 

"'  Jim,  now  we're  a  gwine  down  into  this  derned 
muss,  and  the  chances  are  pooty  good  for  us  to  git 
chawed  up  down  thar,  and  nothin'  more  to  be  heer'd 
about  us — now  s'posin'  you  tell  a  feller  what  made 
you  pull  up  stakes  and  dust  from  Gosport  so  amazin' 
fast,  last  Fall.' 

"  <  "Wai,  Bob,'  ses  he,  '  seein'  we've  met  agin,  I  don't 
mind  if  I  do  enlighten  you  u  leetle  in  regard  to  my 
leavin'  so  sudden.  You  remember  I'd  bin  over  to 
Franklin  for  some  months  afore  1  left,  and  jest  got 
back  to  Gosport  that  day,  and  in  the  evenin'  I  started 
out  to  see  Mag.  I  was  a  hopin'  the  old  man  wouldn't 
be  to  hum — he  ginerally  was  away  Saturday  nights. 

"  £  'Twas  dark  afore  I  got  thar',  and  jest  as  I  was 
agettin'  up  to  the  door,  I  seed  old  Doctor  Forcips  a 
drivin'  off  in  his  gig.  I  kind  of  wonder'd  who  was 
ailin',  but  gin  the  bell-knob  a  jerk  any  how,  and 
pooty  soon  old  Hurley  himself  came  to  the  door,  with 
a  candle  in  his  hand.  He  was  in  his  shirt-sleeves,  and 
I  reckon  he  had  jest  come  hum  from  work.  He  kind 
of  gin  a  start,  as  though  he  was  surprised  to  see  me ; 
and  I  gin  a  start,  too,  and  jumped  back  from  the  door 
pooty  quick,  for  I  thought  I  heer'd  him  grit  his  teeth 
a  leetle — somethin'  like  a  sheep  arter  she's  bin  eatin* 
beans — but  I  wasn't  sartain. 


THE    BUTCHER    WELCOMED    HIM.  -       *# 

" '  Come  in,  M-i-s-t-e-r  Dudley,'  ses  he,  kind  of  low 
and  coaxin'  like.     'I  hope  you've  bin  enjoyin'  good 


THE   BUTCHER   THROWS    LIGHT   ON    THE   MATTER. 

health.  I  hope  your  constitution  is  as  strong  and 
robustious  as  it  was  some  months  ago." 

"  Thankin'  him  for  his  kind  wishes,  I  follered 
him  along,  wonderiu'  what  in  thunder  made  him  so 
amazin'  solicitous  for  my  health  all  to  wunct,  'cause  I 
knowed  the  old  man  hated  me  worse  than  a  rat  does 
pizen. 

"  He  didn't  stop  in  the  parlor,  where  some  folks 

were  sitting  but  kept  on  into  a  small  room,  beck'niii' 
3 


50  THE    BUTCHER   MEANS   BUSINESS. 

me  to  f oiler,  which  I  did,  though  I  was  beginnin'  to 
feel  pooty  suspicious  about  the  old  feller's  movements. 

"  Stay  here  a  minute,  Mr.  Dudley,"  ses  he,  arter 
I  had  sot  down.  "  I  want  to  show  you  somethin'  that 
I  know  you'll  like  to  see,"  he  continued,  jest  that 
way,  and  then  he  stepped  out. 

"'I  tell  you,  I  begun  to  feel  wonderful  fidgity  and 
kind  of  prickly  down  along  the  spine ;  and  when  I 
heer'd  the  old  man  comin'  back,  and  heer'd  somethin' 
ginnin'  a  wheezin',  squeakin'  cry  somethin'  like  a 
Guinea  pig,  then  I  knowed  thar'  was  trouble  ahead. 
I  could  feel  the  distressin'  presentiment  jest  a  bub- 
blin'  through  my  veins,  and  limberin'  up  my  j'ints,  as 
fast  as  could  be. 

"^  Pooty  soon  the  old  man  came  in,  a  holdin'  the 
ugliest  leetle  red-headed  young  'un  you  ever  did  see 
in  his  left  hand,  and  keepin'  his  right  hand  ahind  him, 
kind  of  careless  like,  as  though  'twas  there  by  acci 
dent.  I  knowed  'twas  an  unnatural  position,  and  kept 
peerin'  round,  for  I  reckoned  he  had  a  cow-hide,  and 
was  calculatin'  to  gin  me  a  sound  tannin' ;  but  when 
he  went  to  shet  the  door  ahind  him,  I  got  a  glimpse 
of  the  alfiredest  great  butcher's  cleaver  you  ever  yet 
sot  eyes  on,  a  shinin'  jest  as  bright  as  could  be.  Jeru 
salem!  if  that  gol-derned  bone-splitter  didn't  make 
me  begin  to  feel  tarnation  wormy,  then  thar's  no  use 
sayin'  it.  My  heart  flopped  up  so  far  into  my  throat 


A    FAMILY   RESEMBLANCE.  51 

it  actewelly  seemed  as  though  I  could  taste  it.  "  I've 
got  very  pressin'  business  down  town,  and  guess  I'd 
better  be  a  movin',"  ses  I,  rizin'  up. 

"'S-i-t  d-o-w-n,"  ses  he,  easy,  that  way,  as  though 
he  wasn't  disturbed  any,  though  I  seed  he  was  thun- 
derin'  pale.  "  Don't  be  in  a  hurry.  The  night  is  but 
young,"  he  went  on,  keepin'  his  back  flat  against  the 
door  the  whole  time. 

"'See  that,'  ses  he,  a  holdin'  the  squirmin' 
young  'un  close  up  before  me,  until  its  face — which 
was  the  color  of  a  b'iled  lobster — e'enmost  rubbed 
against  my  nose.  '  What  do  you  think  of  this  yer 
offspring  ? ' 

"'I  reckon  it's  a  mity  pooty  baby,'  ses  I;  'but 
I'm  not  a  very  good  judge  of  such  truck." 

" '  Look  in  that  face,'  ses  he,  '  and  see  if  you  recog 
nize  any  of  the  liniments  of  yer  own  face  than 
doesn't  it  seem  about  the  same  as  a  lookin'  into  a  mir- 
rir?  Hain't  she  got  yer  har?"  he  continued,  jest  that 
way.  'Don't  you  want  to  clasp  it  to  yer  boosim? 
Haven't  you  got  no  sympathetic  feeliu'  for  the  young 
'un  ?  Why  ain't  you  a  screwin'  yer  mouth  up  to  gin 
her  a  kiss — she's  expectin'  it  of  ye ;  don't  you  see 
she's  a  crowin'  for  it  ? '  he  says,  mity  bitter  and  sar 
castic,  now  I  tell  you. 

"'Wai,  I  don't  know  as  I'm  particularly  stuck 
arter  kissin'  her — not  much,"  I  ses,  jest  that  way, 
tryin'  to  larf,  but  breakin'  down  when  I  thought  of 


52  A    TIGHT   SPOT    FOB   JIM. 

the  cleaver,  and  see  how  plag'y  glum  he  looked. 

" i  No !  I  s'pose  not,'  he  growled,  fairly  bilin',  he 
was  so  riled.  "  If  she  was  sixteen  years  older  per 
haps  you  wouldn't  be  so  doggoned  scrupulous.' 

"'Wai,  what  are  you  a  drivin'  at?'  ses  I,  thmkin' 
somethin'  must  be  said,  but  not  knowin'  what.  "How 
long  is  the  play  a  gwine  to  last,  or  how  does  it  end  ?" 
I  contin'ed,  jest  at  random,  like. 

" '  I'll  show  you  how  it'll  end,  my  sweet-scented 
scrub,  within  fifteen  minutes,'  he  hollered.  'I've 
bin  a  layin'  for  you,  jest  a  pinein'  to  git  hold  on  ye 
for  some  time  back.  You  Madagasker  monkey,  ye, 
you've  bin  a  cuttin'  up  dido's  with  my  darter,  so  you 
have,  and  if  ye  begin  a  denyin'  it  I'll  make  iish-bait 
of  ye.  And  though  I'd  a  denied  sight  ruther  live  on 
quinine  tea  the  rest  of  my  life  than  hev  ye  j'iried  to 
the  family,  bein'  as  how  the  gal  has  a  continual 
yearnin'  arter  ye,  I'm  a  gwine  to  make  ye  marry  her 
inside  of  fifteen  minutes,  or  I  sw'ar  by  the  hully  gos- 
pil  I'll  hash  you  up  finer  than  sausage  meat ! '  and  he 
flourished  the  thunderin'  great  meat-ax  around  his 
head,  fairly  harikerin'  to  slice  me. 

"  'Jewillikins !  wasn't  he  mad  though,  and  I  skeered? 
I  actewelly  felt  myself  a  settlin'  and  a  wiltin'  down, 
until  I  seemed  like  a  toad  a  settin'  on  the  cheer,  starin' 
up  at  him,  all  mouth  and  eyes,  like  a  squab  robin 
gawpin'  at  a  mosquito  hawk. 

"'I've  sent  for  Father  Quinn,"  he  contin'ed,  "cal'- 


HE   MAKES    A   BREAK. 


53 


latin'  to  hev  this  scandalous  affair  settled  np  afore 
you  leave  the  house,1  and  he  gin  the  cleaver  another 
flourish,  but  while  he  was  a  doin'  it  he  almost  let  the 
plag'y  young  'un  fall.  While  he  was  ritin'  it  head 
up  agin,  I  jest  shet  my  eyes  tight,  and  made  one 
detarmiued  lunge  for  the  winder,  head  fust,  like  a 
ram  through  a  clump  of  briars,  and  went  a  crashin' 


OLD    HURLEY    ON    THE    WAR    PATH. 


and  a  wallopin'  plum  out  on   all  fours  into  the  gar 
den',  takin'  the  hull  lower  sash  along  with  me. 

The  old  man  gin  one  rattlin'  shout  like  a  wounded 
gorrillar,  when  he  seed  me  go.  I  knowed  he'd  be 
arter  me  mity  quick,  so  I  broke  through  the  gar- 
din  for  the  toll-road,  the  infarnil  sash  a  hangin' 


54:  A  CLOSE  DODGE. 

around  my  neck  like  a  hog-yoke,  catchin'  on  every 
thin'  as  I  ran.  I  snum,  I  hadn't  more'n  struck  the 
road  and  begun  to  dust  along  it,  when  I  heered  the 
old  man  comin',  a  snortin'  an'  a  spatterin'.  down  the 
turnpike  hell-a-te-larrip  ahind  me.  I  allowed  he'd 
overhaul  me  if  I  kept  right  on,  'cause  I  hadn't  got 
the  sash  off  yet,  and  the  derned  thing  was  jest  ginnin' 
my  neck  jess;  so  flouncin'  aside  pooty  sudden,  I  flop 
ped  down  ahind  a  sassafrass  bush,  and  I  hadn't  more'n 
got  thar  nuther  when  old  Hurley  went  a  rackin'  and  a 
rearin'  past,  the  thunderin'  great  meat-ax  a  gleamin' 
in  his  hand  jest  as  bright  as  could  be.  He  reckoned 
I  was  still  ahead,  so  he  went  a  flukin'  down  the  road, 
clearin'  the  toll-bar  at  one  bounce,  without  so  much 
as  dustin'  it,  and  keepin'  right  on  for  Gosport  like  a 
qua'ter  hoss.  Thunder !  didn't  1  tear  off  the  ruins  of 
that  winder  mity  fast  though?  Then  I  dim'  the 
fence,  and  took  across  lots  through  Hiram  Nye's  corn 
patch,  and  down  by  Blake's  orchard,  comin'  into  town 
by  the  lower  road.  I  think  more'n  likely  old  Hurley 
kept  a  goin'  it  plum  to  Gosport  before  he  mistrusted 
that  I  dodged  him ;  and  I  do  jest  think  if  he  had  got 
hold  on  me — a  bilin'  as  he  was — he  wouldn't  have  left 
a  piece  of  me  together  large  enough  to  bait  a  mink 
trap.  Wasn't  that  an  alfired  close  dodge  though  ?  I 
reckon  you'll  not  see  me  in  Gosport  agin,  leastways 
not  while  old  Hurley's  a  livin'.  Thar's  the  bugle  call- 
in'  to  muster — let's  licker  agin  and  go.' " 


A  CUNNING-  DODG-E. 


JANUABT  18TH. 

I  LEARNED  to-day  that  there  was  a  certain  citizen 
of  this  place,  a  butcher  by  occupation,  who,  deem 
ing  the  remuneration  he  received  small  in  comparison 
to  the  amount  of  service  done,  resolved  to  discontinue 
butchering  cattle  and  become  a  butcher  of  men,  or  in 
other  words  to  assume  the  responsibilities  of  a  prac 
ticing  physician  and  surgeon.  It  seems  in  his  travels 
he  had  collected  quite  a  number  of  receipts  and  pre 
scriptions  from  old  almanacs  and  doctors'  books. 

With  this  limited  stock  of  medical  knowledge,  and 
an  unusually  large  amount  of  "  cheek,"  he  thought  to 
work  himself  into  a  lucrative  business.  As  an  invoice 
of  small-pox  was  expected  by  every  steamer,  he  imag 
ined  he  might  pass  among  other  professionals  as  though 
his  scientific  acquirements  were  excelled  by  none,  and 
his  vocabulary  of  Latin  names  surpassed  "Doctor 
Hornbook's." 

Hiring  an  office  in  a  central  locality,  he  hoisted  a 
board  reaching  nearly  across  the  building,  on  which 


56  A   NOVEL   BARGAIN. 

his  name  and  calling  were  made  known  in  large 
characters.  Then  sitting  down  amidst  a  "beggarly 
account  of  empty  bottles,"  he  patiently  awaited  the 
result.  Whether  the  city  had  suddenly  become  remark 
ably  heathy  through  the  sanitary  exertions  of  the  health 
commissioners,  or  he  had  not  his  proportionate  share 
of  the  medical  practice  in  requisition,  he  knew  not, 
but  certain  it  was,  that  from  morn  to  noon,  from 
noon  to  dewy  eve  he  sat  in  his  room — 

"  As  idle  as  a  painted  ship 
Upon  a  painted  ocean." 

One  day,  however,  while  straying  along  North 
Beach,  musing  on  the  strange  vicissitudes  in  human 
affairs,  and  thinking  how  "  weary,  stale,  flat  and 
unprofitable  "  were  all  the  uses  of  this  world,  a  happy 
idea  presented  itself.  In  the  vicinity  of  the  County 
Hospital  he  had  noticed  the  invalids  coming  out  to 
sun  themselves,  like,  seals,  along  the  Beach.  What  a 
glorious  attraction  to  custom  they  would  be,  congre 
gated  around  his  door !  Entering  into  conversation 
with  some  of  them,  he  soon  struck  a  bargain  with 
thirty  or  more.  They  were  to  visit  his  office  once  a 
day,  those  who  could  walk  there  without  much  trouble 
or  pain  receiving  fifty  cents  per  day,  while  those  who 
traveled  under  greater  difficulties  were  to  be  paid 
accordingly.  So,  every  morning,  after  breakfast,  they 
took  up  their  line  of  march  in  twos  and  threes  along 
the  street  towards  the  charlatan's  place  of  business. 


THE  DOCTOR'S  PATIENTS.  57 

They  were  indeed  a  motley  crowd — that  cripple  brig 
ade — as  they  hobbled  through  the  thoroughfare. 

There  came  the  maimed,  the  halt,  the  withered,  and 
the  blind,  shuffling  into  his  office  thicker  than  dis- 


ADVAXCE    OF   THE    CRIPPLE    BRIGADE. 


eased  Jews  to  the  troubled  pool  of  Bethesda.  If  any 
stranger  chanced  to  drop  in  for  medical  treatment,  the 
crowd  of  hired  specimens  began  at  once  to  converse 
amongst  themselves  of  the  wonderful  skill  of  the 
physician.  One  remarked  how  his  sight  had  improved 
under  treatment.  Another  related  in  glowing  terms 
the  ravenous  appetite  the  doctor's  bitters  had  awak 
ened  in  his  system.  A  third  would  eulogize  his 
method  of  treating  contagious  diseases  in  general. 


58  A   GRAND   COLLAPSE. 

In  this  way  the  real  patient,  though  receiving  no 
actual  benefit  from  the  watery  potions  administered, 
was  retained  in  hopes  of  an  ultimate  cure.  At  length 
the  curiosity  of  the  resident  physician  of  the  Hos 
pital  was  aroused.  He  couldn't  imagine  where  his 
patients  filed  away  to  every  morning,  as  regularly  as 
liberated  geese  to  some  well-known  pond.  Following 
up  the  bandaged  crew  and  investigating  the  matter, 
he  soon  learned  the  state  of  affairs,  and  forbade  their 
leaving  the  Hospital-yard  without  a  permit.  This 
sudden  falling  off  in  the  would-be-doctors'  patients 
made  a  material  change  in  the  appearance  of  his  office. 
In  short  it  leveled  his  business  and  his  hopes,  and 
again  the  quack  sank  into  that  obscurity  from  which 
he  so  energetically  struggled  to  emerge. 


WHAT  A  FALL  WAS  THERE ! 


JANUARY  23D. 

Mr  faith  in  woman's  constancy  grows  weaker  day  by  day. 
Last  night  poor  Parson  Pelvy's  wife  eloped  with  Michael  Shay, 
Whose  total  income  doth  accrue  from  dice  and  cards  at  play. 

For  twenty  years  the  pious  pair  one  bed,  one  pillow  pressed, 
Each  in  the  other's  face  had  smiled,  when  waking  from  their  rest, 
And  by  a  thousand  loving  acts  their  onward  journey  blessed. 

But,  as  the  devils  entered  swine  while  peacefully  they  fed, 

And  caused  them  to  exchange  green  hills  for  the  deep  river's  bed, 

'Till  every  creature  in  the  herd  lay  on  the  bottom  dead : 

So  restless  devils  oftentimes  in  human  beings  crawl, 

To  take  possession  of  their  heads,  their  hearts,  their  limbs  their  all, 

And  force  them  from  the  safer  paths  in  filthy  sloughs  to  fall. 

My  faith  in  woman's  constancy  grows  weak,  to  say  the  least, 

When  preachers'  wives  leave  sainted  homes  to  consort  with  a  beast, 

As  vultures  drop  from  heavenly  heights  to  seek  their  carrion  feast. 


A  REMARKABLE  FORENSIC  EFFORT. 


JANUARY  25-m. 

HAYING  learned  that  a  highly  educated  and 
respectable  lady  of  this  city  had  instituted  a  suit 
in  one  of  our  courts  for  the  purpose  of  obtaining  a 
divorce  from  her  husband,  I  stepped  into  the  hall  of 
j  ustice  for  a  few  moments  to  learn  how  the  case  pro 
gressed.  The  fact  of  a  young  wife  demanding  a 
separation  in  a  city  like  this,  which  is  proverbial  for 
its  separations,  is  nothing  to  be  wondered  at,  and  I  was 
considerably  surprised  on  reaching  the  court  room  to 
find  it  so  full  of  people  that  I  could  hardly  gain  ad 
mittance.  I  was  not  so  much  astonished  at  the  great 
rush,  however,  when  informed  by  the  bailiff  that  the 
ground  on  which  the  lady  in  question  rested  her  case 
was  that  her  husband  snored.  As  I  entered,  the 
plaintiff's  lawyer  commenced  addressing  the  court. 
He  entered  into  the  case  with  the  spirit  and  fire  of  a 
Clay  or  Webster.  After  reviewing  and  commenting 
largely  upon  the  testimony  given  in  the  case,  he  ended 
his  argument  in  something  like  the  following  words ; 


A  BOLD   ADVOCATE. 


61 


sir,  whatever  other  people  may  think  of  this 
application,  1  take  a  bold  stand,  regardless  whose  corns 


or  bunions  I  tread  upon,  so  long  as  I  put  my  foot 
down  where  it  belongs.     We  have  too  many  snorers 


TRIFLING-   MATTERS   FOE   DIVORCES. 

among  us.  They  are  in  our  places  of  amusement, 
introducing  groans  and  thunder  where  none  were 
intended  in  the  play.  We  find  them  in  our  places  of 
worship,  breaking  forth  in  the  midst  of  the  pastor's 
prayer,  or  while  he  is  picturing  to  the  congregation 
the  wreck  of  ages  and  the  crash  of  worlds,  and  all 
the  horrors  of  Hell.  I  maintain  that  this  application 
is  a  righteous  one ;  that  it  is  a  shot  in  the  right 
direction  which  will  in  all  likelihood  eventually  bring 
down  the  game ;  and  were  I  a  judge  invested  with 
power  to  decide  a  peculiar  case  of  this  kind,  I  would 
show  no  hesitation,  but  grant  the  plaintiff  her  natural 
and  very  reasonable  request  more  readily  than  if  the 
grounds  on  which  she  "sued  for  a  separation  were 
drunkenness  or  desertion. 

"  The  absurdity  of  an  irascible  wife  seeking  a  divorce 
from  a  husband  because  he  drinks,  must  be  apparent 
to  all.  She  rushes  into  the  crowded  court  room  and, 
figuratively  speaking,  catches  the  astonished  justice  by 
the  ears,  as  Joab  in  the  extremity  of  his  distress  laid 
hold  upon  the  horns  of  the  altar,  and  requests  him  to 
sever  the  chafing  bonds  with  his  legal  shears.  Again : 
what  a  pitiable  lack  of  discretion  that  woman  exhibits 
who  seeks  a  divorce  merely  because  her  husband 
deserts  her,  leaving  her  to  pursue  the  even  tenor  of 
her  way.  Why!  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  this  is  a 
'  consummation  devoutly  to  be  wished ; '  for  she  is 
left  untrammeled,  and  has  no  husband  to  support,  who 


DEATH   TO   THE   6NORER.  63 

would  repay  her  care  with  jealousy  like  the  'Moor'  we 
read  about  in  Shakspeare. 

"I  will  not  allude  to  the  wife  who  flares  into  an 
ungovernable  and  I  may  say  unwarrantable  passion 
over  a  possible  infidelity. 

"  But,  sir,  it  is  with  no  ordinary  thrill  of  pride  that 
I  espouse  the  cause  of  the  woman  who  seeks  a  divorce 
from  a  snoring  husband.  I  say,  and  I  may  remark 
that  I  say  it  boldly,  that  I  rejoice  it  was  reserved  for 
me  to  raise  my  voice  in  her  defence.  I  hold  that  a 
man  who  snores,  a  man  who  with  malice  aforethought 
takes  from  her  peaceful  home  a  tender  and  confiding 
maiden  without  first  informing  her  of  his  trouble, 
commits  a  grave  and  unpardonable  crime.  The  dogs 
of  justice  should  be  loosened  at  his  heels  to  hound 
him  from  Puget's  Sound  to  Passamaquoddy  Bay.  He 
should  be  made  to  repent  his  villainous  act.  Think 
how  the  tender  nerves  of  a  bride  must  be  shocked  on 
being  awakened  by  such  a  brute  from  the  first  sweet 
sleep  of  her  married  life.  Picture  to  yourself  her 
husband,  not  breathing  her  name  in  words  of  love,  as 
you  may  suppose,  but  lying  flat  upon  his  back, 
oblivious  of  her-  presence,  and  snoring  with  all  the 
vehemence  of  a  stranded  porpoise,  causing  the  little 
piper  and  peasant  girl  on  the  mantel  to  dance  a  horn 
pipe  round  the  clock  with  the  horrid  jar., 

"  Now,  sir,  I  ask  what  mercy  should  be  shown  the 


64  A   BURST   OF    ELOQUENCE. 

monster  who  has  himself  shown  none?  He  has 
knowingly  doomed  a  fair  representative  of  that  sex 
whose  presence  civilizes  ours,  to  an  ever  new  affliction 
and  a  life  of  perpetual  wakefulness.  What  course 
can  she  pursue  ?  There  are  but  two  roads.  Which 
shall  she  take  ?  One  leads  to  the  court  room  and  the 
other  leads  to  the  cemetery.  She  must  either  be  freed 
from  her  husband  or  go  down  to  an  untimely  grave, 
perhaps  to  have  her  place  quickly  filled  by  another 
unsuspecting  victim.  No,  your  Honor;  this  man,  and 
I  regret  to  say  it,  this  husband  and  father,  should  not 
be  permitted  to  destroy  the  peace  and  bright  pros 
pects  of  more  than  one  female.  Let  it  be  known  to 
the  world  that  he  has  ruined  the  hopes  of  a  loving 
wife,  let  it  be  blazoned  upon  the  housetops  and  upon 
the  fences  that  he  snores,  and  then  let  him  get  another 
mate  if  he  can. 

"  The  wife  should  not  only  have  a  divorce  from  the 
deceptive  monster,  but  she  should  have  the  custody  of 
the  children.  She  deserves  them  by  virtue  of  her 
long  suffering  and  patience,  while  he  who  has  so 
heartlessly  deceived  her  cannot  be  competent  to  guide 
their  little  feet  aright  down  the  dangerous  walks  of 
life.  On  behalf  of  this  sorrowing  wife,  all  other 
wives,  and  of  the  wives  yet  to  be,  who  are  ripening 
into  womanhood  around  our  hearths,  I  cry  separation ! 
In  the  name  of  a  confidence  betrayed,  of  hopes 


THE    6CTFERER    RELIEVED. 


65 


blasted,  and  of  a  life  aged  before  its  time,  1  repeat, 
separation  !  separation  !  " 

He  sank  into  his  seat,  and  despite  the  order  of  the 
bailiff  for  "  silence  in  court,"  the  applause  was  gen 
eral  throughout  the  room.  The  judge  took  occasion 
to  compliment  the  lawyer  for  his  able  argument,  and 
said  it  was  the  greatest  forensic  effort  he  had  listened 
to  since  he  assumed  the  responsibilities  of  his  office. 
It  is,  perhaps,  needless  to  add  that  the  prayer  was 
granted  and  the  children  awarded  to  the  plaintiff. 


A  TERRIBLE  TAKE  IN. 


JANUARY  27rH. 

TO-DAY,  while  taking  dinner  at  an  eating-house  in 
Vallejo,  I  witnessed  an  amusing  incident.  It 
appears  the  proprietor  had  often  been  imposed  upon  by 
bummers  who  would  walk  boldly  into  the  dining- 
room,  and  after  stowing  away  a  supply  of  victuals 
that  would  fill  an  ordinary  carpet  sack,  would  shuffle 
up  to  the  counter,  and  in  an  undertone  of  voice 
inform  the  person  there  officiating  that  they  were 
unfortunately  "  dead  broke."  Of  course  the  law 
doesn't  allow  any  ripping  to  be  done  on  such  occa 
sions,  other  than  swearing.  Then  the  well-filled  ras 
cals  would  walk  off  picking  their  teeth  with  the 
utmost  composure  ;  except  in  extreme  cases  when  the 
out-going  party  would  be  assisted  over  the  threshold 
by  an  uprising  boot.  But  even  kicks  would  not  bring 
the  coin  into  the  till,  or  bring  back  upon  the  table  the 
vanished  edibles,  so  this  treatment  was  seldom  resorted 
to.  Finally  the  proprietor  sent  to  San  Francisco  for 


HIGH    EXPECTATIONS. 


67 


a  large  syringe,  and  placing   it   in  a  drawer   in   the 
dining-room,  bided  his  time. 

It  happened  while  I  was  sitting  at  the  table  an 
individual,  whose  cheek  the  proprietor  had  reason  to 
believe  far  exceeded  his  checks,  entered  the  room  and 
sat  down  directly  in  front  of  me.  A  plate  of  hot 
bean  sonp  sat  invitingly  before  him,  from  which  the 
savory  steam  rose  up  in  clouds,  and  not  only  tilled  the 
nostrils  of  the  hungry  man  with  delicious  and  enticing 


PAY    IN    ADVANCE,    SIR. 


odors,  but  served  to  whet  the  hungry  edge  of  appetite. 
Lifting  a  large   pewter   spoon   that   lay   beside  the 


68  "THERE'S  MANY  A  SLIP,"  &o., 

plate,  he  was  about  to  introduce  it  to  the  hot  decoc 
tion  before  him.  Already  the  limber  hinges  of  his 
jaw  began  to  relax,  preparatory  to  admitting  the  well- 
filled  spoon.  His  attention  was  suddenly  arrested  by 
the  proprietor,  who,  with  one  hand  behind  him  and  the 
other  laid  upon  the  spoon-arm  of  the  would-be-eater, 
demanded  the  price  of  the  dinner  before  he  went  any 
further.  The  man,  it  seems,  was  not  a  member  of 
that  class  of  individuals  which  the  hotel  keeper 
thought  him.  He  was  justly  indignant,  therefore,  at 
the  demand,  and  sharply  informed  mine  host  that  "he 
guessed  after  he  had  eaten  his  dinner  would  be  time 
enough  to  pay  for  it."  But  the  oft-swindled  proprie 
tor  thought  differently.  The  man  had  scarcely  got 
the  words  out  of  his  mouth  before  he  pulled  from 
behind  him  a  syringe  large  as  the  trunk  of  a  good 
sized  elephant,  and  slapping  the  nozzle  of  it  into  the 
soup,  ran  it  circling  around  the  plate,  and  with  one 
long  slobbering  suck,  like  that  made  by  a  horse  drink 
ing  through  his  bits,  the  soup  plate  was  left  lying  be 
fore  the  hungry  man,  as  empty  as  his  own  stomach. 

The  astonished  individual  looked  first  at  his  plate, 
on  which  not  even  a  bean  was  left,  then  at  the  drip 
ping,  steaming  muzzle  of  the  syringe,  and  lastly  at 
the  landlord,  who  stood  with  a  look  of  triumph 
spreading  over  his  face,  silently  waiting  for  the  man 
to  either  come  down  with  the  coin  or  leave  the  table. 

Though  not  liking  that  succinct  way  of  treating  a 


ALL'S    WELL   THAT    ENDS    WELL.' 


69 


person,  the  man  was  either  too  hungry  or  too  limited 
in  time  to  go  further  for  a  meal,  so  he  fished  out  of 
his  pocket  the  change  and  handed  it  to  the  proprietor. 
The  latter  thereupon  discharged  the  contents  of  the 
syringe  into  the  soup  plate  again,  and  walked  away, 
leaving  the  customer  to  proceed  with  his  dinner. 


THE  GRANGER. 


JANUARY  29iH. 


I  want  to  be  a  Granger, 

And  with  the  Grangers  stand — 
A  whetstone  in  my  pocket, 

A  blister  on  my  hand. 

I  sing  to  be  a  Granger, 
Without  the  right  of  way, 

Across  my  neighbor's  lot,  to  drive 
My  ox-cart  or  rny  sleigh. 


THE  GRANGER'S  SONG. 

I  long  to  be  a  Granger, 
And  own  a  breachy  mare, 

That  oft  will  leap  the  bound'ry  line, 
And  make  my  neighbors  swear. 

I  pine  to  be  a  Granger, 
And  own  a  kicking  steer, 

That  I  may  feel  his  horny  heel 
Whenever  I  draw  near. 

I  sigh  to  to  be  a  Granger, 
And  plant  my  field  of  corn, 

That  crows  may  flock  and  pull  it  up 
Before  the  streak  of  morn. 

I  shout  to  be  a  Granger : 
How  much  I  would  adore 

To  drive  a  cow,  or  stubborn  sow, 
Some  five  long  miles  or  more. 


SERIOUS   REFLECTIONS. 


JANUARY  31sT. 

HERE  we  are  at  the  end  of  January  already :  how 
much  faster  the  world  seems  to  revolve  as  we 
grow  older  ;  and  how  old  Time  loves  to  crowd  along 
when  he  is  not  wanted.  When  we  were  young,  and 
were  foolishly  inclined  to  accelerate  his  movements, 
true  to  his  contrary  nature,  he  would  seem  to  come  to 
a  stand-still,  or,  pig-like,  double  upon  us!  But  now 
we  fain  would  have  him  "slow  speed,"  he  delights  to 
scurry  ahead  with  alarming  rapidity,  until  we  could 
hamstring  the  old  reprobate  with  good  grace. 

The  old  year  hobbled  over  the  well-worn  thresh 
old,  and  many  an  eye  watched  his  going,  some  moist 
with  sorrow,  but  more  sparkling  with  joy.  He  is 
hardly  out  of  hearing,  and  still  already  forgotten ! 

The  hair  has  hardly  commenced  to  shoot  upon  the 
.head  of  the  infant  year.  He  is  yet  crawling  out  of 
his  swathing  clothes,  which  will  soon  be  cast  aside, 
like  mouldy  relics  of  the  past,  in  an  old  garret. 

And  poor  old  Santa  Glaus !     Where  is  he,  who  was 


FROM   THE   FRYING-PAN    INTO   THE   FIRE.  73 

the  lion  of  the  time,  welcomed  into  the  homes  of 
rich  and  poor  throughout  "the  length  and  breadth  of 
the  land — allowed  the  freedom  of  the  city,  so  to 
speak — and  now  is  mentioned  no  more  ?  Alas !  poor 
Santa!  I  could  weep  over  his  wrongs.  He  burdened 
himself  for  the  public  good,  and  hardly  has  he  shaken 
the  chimney  soot  from  his  white  flowing  beard  ere  he 
has  slipped  from  the  memory  of  an  ungrateful  com 
munity. 

But  what  are  the  sufferings  of  the  frosty  old  gentle 
man  compared  with  the  afflictions  of  my  friend 
Toomy,  who  lives  on  Mission  Street,  and  who  is  cer 
tainly  not  "  the  man  for  wisdom's  various  arts  re 
nowned."  Toomy  had  a  corn  upon  his  instep,  and 
thought  to  remove  the  plague  by  moistening  it  with 
vitriol.  The  liquor  contained  the  exterminating 
qualities  in  an  eminent  degree.  The  corn  grew  rap 
idly  Jess  beneath  the  application.  But  Toomy  started 
a  fire  which  would  not  be  quenched.  At  last  accounts, 
the  vitriol  was  boring  into  his  pedal  extremity  at  the 
rate  of  half  an  inch  per  hour  by  the  time-piece  on  the 
mantel.  Meantime  poor  Toomy  belloweth  aloud  with 
an  exceeding  loud  bellow,  insomuch  that  his  fellow- 
lodgers  go  about  the  streets  rather  than  abide  with 
him  in  the  house. 


THE  BOD   OF  CORRECTION. 


FEBEUAKY  SD. 

IT  is  not  often  a  poor  devil  like  myself  can  have  a 
good  laugh  at  the  expense  of  a  high  dignitary. 
To-day,  however,  an  opportunity  presented  itself,  and 
happily  I  was  in  the  right  humor  to  appreciate  it.  Pass 
ing  along  Stevenson  Street,  near  Fourth,  I  saw  an  old 
Irish  woman  unmercifully  beating  her  boy  with  a  rod, 
which,  if  it  had  not  been  divested  of  twigs  and  leaves, 
would  have  served  as  a  Christmas  tree  for  a  good-sized 
family.  This  of  itself  was  nothing  to  make  one  smile, 
and  perhaps  no  person  would  more  readily  endorse 
such  a  sentiment  than  the  boy  himself.  But  the  end 
was  not  yet.  It  appears  that  while  on  his  way  from 
the  corner  grocery,  with  a  pitcher  of  beer  for  his 
mother,  the  little  fellow  tripped  up  and  spilled  nearly 
the  whole  contents  in  the  street.  The  old  woman, 
with  parched  lips  was  standing  at  "the  gate,  impa 
tiently  awaiting  her  youngster's  return.  At  last  she 
saw  him  emerge  from  the  store,  pitcher  in  hand.  Her 


AN    UNFORTUNATE    BOY.  75 

quick  eye  caught  sight  of  the  light  foam  rising  in  airy 
bubbles  above  the  brim,  and  she  knew  the  grocer  had 
sent  her  no  stinted  measure.  In  fancy  she  was  already 
quenching  her  thirst  with  copious  draughts  of  the  cool 
ing  drink — when  she  saw  the  boy  measuring  his  length 
upon  the  planks.  "Worst,  and  most  lamentable  of  all, 
she  saw  the  delectable  beverage  coursing  down  the  side 
walk  in  a  dozen  foaming  streams.  Her  rage  knew  no 
bounds.  The  moment  the  boy  put  his  foot  inside  the 
gate,  she  seized  him  with  the  grip  of  a  virago,  and  bela 
bored  him  with  the  cudgel  till  he  roared  "  blue  mur 
der"  at  every  application.  So  great  was  the  outcry 
that  every  window  in  the  vicinity  was  immediately 
crammed  with  heads.  Taught  by  the  lessons  of  my 
youth  that  he  who  meddles  in  other  peoples'  affairs 
often  treads  upon  his  own  corns,  I  maintained  a  wise 
silence ;  but  I  mentally  prayed  that  the  wrath  of  the 
old  fury  would  be  appeased,  for  the  cries  and  wild  antics 
of  the  little  wretch  began  to  grow  monotonous. 

It  chanced  at  that  moment  an  eminent  minister  was 
passing,  who  weekly  fills  his  fashionable  spacious 
church  with  a  glittering  congregation.  He  saw  the 
woman  was  in  a  towering  passion,  and  he  ventured 
to  remark :  "  My  good  woman,  the  rod  of  correction 
should  never  become  the  weapon  of  passion."  The 
remark  caused  her  to  temporarily  suspend  hostilities ; 
but  she  still  retained  her  hold  on  the  collar,  as  she  turned 


76  MORE    UNFORTUNATE   PRIEST. 

around  sharply  to  ascertain  who  dared  criticise  her 
method  of  training  up  a  child  in  the  way  he  should  go. 
For  a  minute  she  glared  upon  the  clergyman  with 
flashing  eyes,  as  if  astonished  at  his  interference. 
Surveying  him  from  the  soles  of  his  boots  to  the  very 
crown  swirl  of  his'  silk  hat,  she  drew  herself  up  to  her 


A  REAR   ATTACK. 

full  height,  and,  in  the  most  indignant  voice,  shouted : 
"Away  wid  yer  cotations,  you  ould  sermon. thief !  it's 
not  from  the  likes  of  yees  I  learn  me  juty ! "  The 
clergyman  was  nonplussed  ;  he  quailed  before  the  fiery 
eyes  and  sarcastic  tongue  of  the  old  vixen ;  and  I  fan 
cied  his  face  lit  up  with  joy  when  he  discovered  that  he 
was  nigh  a  corner,  around  which  he  quickly  disappeared. 


DINING-   UNDER    DIFFICULTIES, 


FEBRUARY  6xH. 

TAKIXG  dinner  to-day  in  a  restaurant  over  in  Oak 
land,  I  was  in  danger  of  being  carried  off  by  cock 
roaches.  If  I  was  inclined  to  draw  comparisons,  I 
would  say  that  in  size  the  cockroaches  I  encountered  in 
this  place  would  compare  favorably  with  cupboard  door 
buttons.  I  had  seen  these  troublesome  insects  on  for 
mer  occasions  when  I  thought  they  were  numerous — 
when  they  were  as  thick  around  the  bread-plate  as  bees 
around  their  hive  in  June.  But  I  had  never  been  pres 
ent  when  they  turned  out  in  sufficient  numbers  to  take 
and  hold  possession  of  everything  upon  the  table,  even 
to  the  mustard-pot.  To-.day  I  witnessed  such  a  specta 
cle.  I  counted  eighty-three  upon  my  plate  of  meat  and 
potatoes  within  five  seconds  after  it  touched  the  table. 
They  had  evidently  been  lying  in  ambush  in  the  cruet 
stand  from  the  moment  I  sat  down  and  gave  my  order, 
for  the  ring  of  the  plate  as  it  struck  the  board  seemed 
to  be  the  signal  for  a  general  movement.  They  appeared 


THE   COCKROACH   BRIGADE. 


in  military  ranks,  moving  towards  the  dish  in  a  semi 
circle,   like   a  line  of   Fenian    skirmishers   advancing 


BUMMERS    ON   THE    RAID. 


heroically  upon  a — turnip  patch.  There  were  no  frost- 
nipped  fellows,  with  drooping  horns  and  dragging  limbs, 
among  those  legions  either.  All  were  active,  square- 
shouldered  customers,  real  thorough-breds,  wide  across 
the  hips,  and  boasting  a  depth  of  chest  capable  of 
enduring  any  amount  of  running ;  while  their  long,  for 
midable-looking  feelers  stood  out  at  right  angles  from , 
their  heads,  like  the  horns  on  a  Mexican  steer. 

"During  your  natural  life,"  I  commenced,  addressing 


SOT  A  GOOD  DAT  FOE  COCKKOACHES.       79 

a  waiter  who  stood  near  by,  evidently  enjoying  my  sur 
prise,  "  whether  while  officiating  as  head  steward  on 
board  of  a  floating  palace  on  the  Mississippi,  or  serving 
as  second  cook  on  a  grain  scow  on  the  San  Joaquin,  did 
you  ever  run.  across  a  place  where  the  cockroaches  were 
'one-ninetieth  part  as  numerous  as  they  are  in  this  res 
taurant?" 

"Numerous?"  he  answered;  "you  should  be  here  a 
warm,  sunshiny  day  if  you  want  to  see  cockroaches,  for 
then  all  the  invalids  are  out — those  fellows  who  have 
had  their  movements  across  the  table  accelerated  by  a 
snapping  finger,  or  such  as  have  only  tasted  the  poison 
scattered  around  for  their  benefit,  or  those  who  have 
taken  an  overdose  and  throwed  it  up  again.  These  lie 
in  cracks  and  cupboards,  with  stiffened  joints  and  weak 
stomachs,  when  the  weather  is  cold  and  cloudy;  but 
when  a  warm  day  comes  they  are  all  abroad  and  busy." 

"  Well,  I  will  bear  that  in  mind,"  I  said,  rising  from 
the  table,  "  and  when  the  next  total  eclipse  of  the  sun 
occurs,  which,  as  I  am  informed,  will  take  place  in  about 
four  hundred  and  thirty-seven  years,  I  may  come  into 
this  restaurant  for  another  meal,  and  not  until  then," 
and  with  that  I  left. 


THE  THIEF. 

FEBRUARY  10m 

Richard  Roe  was  a  thief,  whose  temptation  to  steal 
Always  grew  more  resistless  when  wanting  a  meal, 
Once  he  entered  a  store,  when  no  person  was  by, 
Took  a  box  of  sardines,  and  attempted  to  fly ; 
But,  although  he  could  slope  when  occasion  required, 
Like  a  stag  to  a  stream  when  the  forest  is  fired, 
The  scoundrel  was  spotted  and  nabbed  at  the  door 
By  officers  Murphy,  McMannus  and  Moore; 
And  away  to  the  jail,  midst  a  crowd  you  should  see, 
Went  the  thief,  the  sardines,  and  the  officers  three. 

The  next  day  came  his  sentence,  and  people  were  thera 

From  all  stations  in  life,  on  the  prisoner  to  stare. 

There  were  gamblers,  street-pavers,  stevedores,  undertakers, 

Ship-chandlers,  brick  masons,  and  umbrella  makers, 

Corn  doctors,  reporters,  clerks,  tailors,  and  teachers, 

Pimps,  peddlers,  horse  trainers,  clairvoyants,  and  preachers* 

A  few  women  were  also  jammed  in  with  the  rest, 

With  their  bonnets  awry,  and  their  babes  at  their  oreast, 

And  their  broad,  beery  faces,  all  pimply  and  red 

Full  ear-deep  in  the  back  of  some  person  ahead ; 

And  like  peas  in  a  kettle,  or  bees  in  a  hive — 

Ever  shifting  position — so  they  were  alive ; 


THE   LOOKERS   OX. 

All  Impatiently  wedging  around  in  a  stew, 

In  the  hope  they  could  better  their  chance  for  a  view : 

This  one  grumbling  because  some  one  crowded  so  near 


81 


RICHARD   ROE    THE    THIEF. 

That  he  shot  his  hot  breath  in  the  depths  of  bJ3  car; 
That  one  cursing  because  some  one's  elbow  so  rudo 
On  his  ribs  was  inclined  to  encroach  and  intrude; 
And  another  one  howling  and  looking  forlorn, 
Just  because  some  one  trod  on  his  favorite  corn. 
Overall  the  hoarse  voice  of  the  bailiff  did  wheeze- 
"Order!  order  in  the  court,  gentlemen,  if  you  please!" 


82  BEFOBE  THE  COTJBT. 

Six  feet  two,  if  an  inch,  and  proportioned  in  size, 
Stood  the  thief  in  the  dock,  when  the  clerk  bid  him  rise; 
And  amongst  all  that  crowd  not  a  man  could  be  found 
With  his  shoulders  so  square  and  a  physique  so  sound. 
First,  around  on  the  lawyers  and  officers  there 
He  defiantly  gazed,  with  a  bold,  brazen  air ; 
And  then,  turning  around,  stared  the  Judge  in  the  face, 
As  though  he  was  the  thief  and  the  rogue  in  the  case. 
The  stern  Judge  ran  his  eyes  the  unmoved  villain  o'er, 
From  the  crown  of  his  head  to  his  feet  on  the  floor — 
While  the  rogue  seemed  to  study  with  critical  care 
The  time-honored  "  Court,"  with  his  thin  crop  of  hair. 

For  five  minutes  or  more,  it's  my  candid  belief, 

That  the  thief  eyed  the  Judge,  and  the  Judge  eyed  the  thief; 

As  two  rivals,  long  parted,  in  some  foreign  land 

By  mischance  blown  together,  each  other  they  scanned; 

While  there  rose  from  the  concourse  no  perceptible  sound, 

Not  a  whisper  or  yawn  even  circled  around. 

But  a  charnel-house  calm  o'er  the  room  seemed  to  fall, 

Till  the  flies  could  be  heard  on  the  plastering  crawl — 

Till  beneath  the  rogue's  stare  the  Court's  visage  grew  red. 

But  down-choking  his  rising  resentment,  he  said : 

"  Richard  Roe" — and  he  spoke  quite  emphatic  and  slow, 

As  though  weighing  each  word  before  letting  it  go— 

And  inclined  his  head  downward,  as  men  often  do 

When  they  look  over  spectacles  rather  than  through — 

"  Richard  Roe,  you  have  come  to  the  surface  once  more, 

Like  the  ghost  to  the  feast  of  the  monarch  of  yore; 

I  have  lectured,  imprisoned,  and  fined  you  in  vain — 

You  will  still  depredate,  and  confront  me  again. 

From  the  door  of  the  jail  to  the  till  of  a  store 

There  is  simply  one  pace  unto  you,  and  no  more ; 


THE   JUDGE  6   REXABK8. 

As  the  dog  to  his  vomit,  the  sow  to  her  mire, 

You  will  glide  the  born  slave  of  your  hellish  desire ; 

By  my  oath,  it's  a  sin,  a  disgrace,  and  a  shame. 

With  your  shoulders  so  broad,  and  so  robust  your  frame, 

With  your  arms  like  a  Hercules,  muscled  and  strong, 

With  your  wind  like  a  stag-hound's,  so  perfect  and  long, 

To  earn  a  support  you're  possessed  of  all  means — 

And  yet  you've  been  stealing  a  box  of  sardines. 

"  I  have  worked  my  way  onward,  year  out  and  year  in, 
Among  characters  blackened  and  blistered  with  sin; 
Amongst  men  I'd  have  quaked  to  have  met  in  a  lane, 
As  I  would  the  arch  demon,  relieved  of  his  chain ; 
But  I'm  frank  to  confess,  and  I'd  state  it  as  free 


88 


THE   JUDGE. 


On  a  Bible  as  large  as  a  bed,  if  need  be, 

In  my  thirty  years'  practice,  on  Bench  or  at  Bar, 

A  thief  more  consummate  and  bold  than  vou  are 


A  FAMILIAR   FACE. 

I  have  nerer  encountered,  in  county  or  town, 

Among  whites,  copper-colored,  or  greasers  done  brown. 

You're  as  prone  to  purloin  as  an  eagle  to  fly, 

Or  a  salmon  to  swim,  or  a  lover  to  sigh. 

Not  an  esculent  known,  or  utensil  of  use, 

From  a  cantalope  down  to  the  quill  of  a  goose, 

From  a  tripe  in  the  stall  to  a  fowl  in  the  coop, 

But  at  some  time  or  other  in  your  life  you  did  scoop." 


And  as  if  in  assent.  Richard  Roe  bowed  his  head, 
While  the  Judge  wiped  his  face,  and  continuing  said : 
"  Here  so  often,  of  late,  you  have  taken  the  stand, 
To  give  answer  for  larcenies,  petty  or  grand, 
That  your  face  has  become  as  familiar  to  all 
The  practitioners  here  as  the  clock  on  the  wall." 
Here  he  pointed  it  out,  and  a  glance  at  it  threw; 
And  bold  Richard  turned  round  and  regarded  it  too, 
While  full  back  to  his  ears  a  grim  smile  slowly  broke, 
For,  despite  his  position,  he  relished  the  joke. 
"  I  regret  that  our  law  draws  the  limiting  line, 
For  it  seems  but  a  farce  to  impose  a  small  fine, 
Or  to  send  you  below  for  a  week  or  ten  days, 
To  recline  on  a  mat  and  hatch  future  forays. 

"  But  since  neither  the  gloom  of  the  prison,  or  fine, 
Seems  to  work  a  reform  in  that  bosom  of  thine, 
I  will  try  a  new  method — throw  justice  one  side, 
And  appeal  to  your  manhood,  your  honor,  and  pride. 
It  is  said  kindness  conquers  where  knuckles  will  fail, 
And  a  pardon  may  faster  reform  than  the  jail ; 
Since  the  stock-raiser  advocates  crossing  the  breed, 
And  the  farmer  finds  profit  by  changing  the  seed, 


THE   SENTENCE.  85 

Who  can  tell  but  a  change  may  regenerate  you — 
So  we  offer  you  mercy  where  none  is  your  due. 

"Mr.  Sheriff!  release  that  purloiner !  as  free 

As  the  wind  that  awakes  the  dull  ocean,  is  he. 

But,  sir,  hark !  Richard  Roe,  ere  you  mix  with  the  throng, 

Take  this  friendly  advice  from  one  knowing  you  long: 

And  in  future,  whenever  your  stomach  does  feel 

Like  digesting  a  fish,  take  a  rod,  and  a  reel, 

A  few  hooks,  a  fine  line,  and  of  gentles  a  few, 

And  go  catch  your  own  fry,  as  all  good  people  do ; 

For  you'll  find  it  more  wholesome  to  follow  a  creek, 

And  there  angle  for  trout  seven  days  of  the  week, 

Than  to  strive  to  obtain  by  unwarranted  means 

E'en  a  box  of  diminutive,  oily  sardines." 

Subdued  was  bold  Richard,  he  gazed  in  surprise, 
And  trembled,  while  tears  welled  fast  from  his  eyes, 
As  he  vowed  that  hcncefoith  the  right  course  he'd  pursue; 
And  Roe  is  now  honest,  trustworthy,  and  true. 


STILL  HARPING  ON  MY  DAUGHTER," 


FEBRUARY  15in. 

WHILE  standing  on  Vallejo  Street  wharf,  this  after 
noon,  watching  the  passengers  coming  ashore 
from  the  Petal n ma  boat,  I  was  accosted  by  a  portly  old 
gentleman  from  the  country,  who  had  stepped  upon  the 
wharf  from  the  steamer.  He  inquired  of  me  the  way 
to  the  City  Hall.  As  I  was  about  going  in  that  direc 
tion,  I  volunteered  to  pilot  him,  for  I  could  do  it  much 
easier  than  give  him  directions  that  would  enable  him 
to  find  it  himself.  Besides,  I  saw  he  was  a  stranger  in 
the  city,  and  my  heart  warmed  with  sympathy  towards 
the  old  gentleman ;  for  I  have  been  a  stranger  in  cities 
myself,  and  always  bear  in  mind  that  I  may  be  again. 
On  our  way  to  our  destination  he  informed  me  that 
he  was  in  hot  pursuit  of  a  truant  daughter,  about  six 
teen  years  old,  who,  like  the  truthful  Cordelia  in  Shaks- 
peare's  tragedy,  could  see  no  reason  in  loving  her  father 
al^  and  accordingly  had  eloped  with  an  old  gallant 
whose  silvered  locks  and  furrowed  brow  showed  he 


ON    THE   TRACK.  87 

long  since  had  passed  that  gloomy  turn  in  life  where 
youth  ended. 

After  reaching  the  City  Hall,  the  anxious  "  parient " 
lost  no  time  in  hunting  up  the  County  Clerk.  The 
official  informed  him  that  a  couple  answering  his 
description  of  the  pair — even  to  the  nap  on  the  gal 
lant's  coat  and  the  red  clay  of  Sonoma  County  sticking 
to  their  shoes — had  that  morning  procured  a  marriage 
license,  and,  in  all  probability,  ere  that  hour  they  had 
made  use  of  it,  and  were  enjoying  the  great  privilege 
it  conferred  upon  them. 

This  information  almost  settled  the  old  gentleman 
He  tottered  for  a  time  under  the  sudden  and  distressing 
intelligence,  as  though  the  weight  of  twenty  additional 
years,  with  all  their  cares  and  trials,  had  fallen  upon  his 
head.  He  soon  rallied,  however,  as  the  thought  flashed 
upon  him  that  delays  do  sometimes  occur  even  in  mar 
riages.  He  inquired  of  the  Clerk  to  what  minister 
they  would  be  most  likely  to  proceed  to  have  the  knot 
tied.  The  knight  of  the  quill  informed  him  that  Dr. 

S would  probably  be  the  man  to  pocket  the  fee,  as 

his  marriage  ceremony  merely  consisted  in  joining  their 
hands  and  saying,  "In  the  name  of  the  Lord,  git." 

I  confess  I  began  to  feel  somewhat  interested  in  the 
case  myself,  and  readily  consented  to  guide  the  aged 
stranger  to  the  minister's  residence,  as  he  still  harbored 
the  hope  that  he  might  enter  upon  the  scene  in  time  to 


88  TOO  LATE. 

forbid  the  bans.  But  alas!  fond  hope;  just  as  we 
reached  the  steps  of  the  ecclesiastical  mansion,  whom 
should  we  see  issuing  from  the  door,  under  escort  of 
the  clergyman  himself,  but  the  gray-haired  gallant  and 
his  fair  young  bride,  blushing — 

"Celestial  rosy  red,  love's  proper  hue." 

My  friend  took  in  the  whole  situation  at  one  quick 
glance.  He  saw  the  twain  had  been  made  one  flesh. 
As  there  was  no  help  for  it  now,  he  acted  the  part  of  a 
wise  man,  and  gulped  down  his  chagrin  like  a  stale 
oyster,  and  "  grinned  horribly  a  ghastly  smile "  as  he 
turned  back  with  them  from  the  house. 

When  last  seen,  the  trio  were  wending  their  slow  way 
to  the  Petaluma  steamer,  en  route  for  the  home  of 
the  old  gentleman,  who  looked  as  happy  as  could  be 
expected  under  the  circumstances. 


HOCK   Oi    AGKS. 


AH  TIE. 


FEBRUARY  18m 
I  sing  the  woe  and  overthrow 

Of  one  debased  and  sly, 
Who  entered  soft  a  baker's  shop, 

And  stole  a  currant  pie. 

And  not  a  soul  about  the  place, 

And  no  one  passing  by, 
Chanced  to  detect  him  in  the  act, 

Or  dreamed  that  he  was  nigh. 

Ah  Tie  began,  while  fast  he  ran, 

To  gobble  down  the  pie, 
Determined  that,  if  caught  at  last, 

No  proof  should  meet  the  eye. 

For  not  the  fox,  for  cunning  famed, 

The  crow,  or  weasel,  sly, 
Could  with  that  erring  man  compare — 

The  heathen  thief,  Ah  Tie, 


90 


THE    BITER   BIT. 

But,  blessings  on  the  pastry  man ! 

Oh  !  blessings,  rich  and  high, 
Upon  the  cook  who  cooked  a  rag 

Within  that  currant  pie ! 

Dim  was  the  light,  and  large  the  bite 

The  thief  to  bolt  did  try, 
And  in  his  haste,  along  with  paste, 

He  gulped  the  wiper  dry. 


A   TIGHT   PLACE. 

He  strove  in  vain,  with  cough  and  strain, 

And  finger  swallowed  nigh, 
Or  in  or  cut  to  force  the  clout, 

Or  turn  tlic  thing  awry. 


DEATH    IN   A   PIE. 

But  tight  as  wadding  in  a  gun, 

Or  cork  in  jug  of  rye, 
The  choking  gag,  but  half  way  down, 

Fast  in  his  throat  did  lie. 

Not  finger  point  or  second  joint, 

Or  heaving  cough,  or  pry, 
Did  seem  to  change  its  posture  strange, 

Or  work  a  passage  by. 

The  Lord  was  there,  as  everywhere — 

His  ways  who  can  descry  ? 
He  turned  to  use  the  rag  that  missed 

The  cook's  incautious  eye. 

Slow  grew  his  pace,  and  black  his  face, 
And  blood-shot  rolled  his  eye; 

And  from  his  nerveless  fingers  fell 
The  fragments  of  the  pie. 

Then  down  he  dropped,  a  strangled  man, 

Without  a  witness  nigh — 
And  Death,  the  grim  old  boatman,  ran 

His  noiseless  shallop  by. 


MY   DRIVE    TO    THE    CLIFF. 


FEBRUAEY  2GTH. 

I  AM -out  of  Immor,  and  what  is  worse,  out  of  pocket, 
and  have  just  been  settling  a  bill  for  repairs  to  a 
buggy,  which  was  knocked  out  of  kilter  on  the  Cliff 
House  road,  the  other  day ;  and  at  the  present  writing  I 
feel  that  it  will  be  some  time  before  I  take  the  chances  of 
injuring  another.  The  moon  may  fill  her  horn  and 
wane  again,  the  seals  howl,  and  the  ocean  roar,  but  I 
will  hardly  indulge  in  the  luxury  of  a  drive  to  the  beach 
for  many  a  day  to  come.  I  had  a  couple  of  ladies  with 
me.  Splendid  company  ladies  are — so  long  as  they 
have  unlimited  confidence  in  your  skill  as  a  driver. 
But  they  are  not  worth  shucks  after  they  lose  faith,  and 
want  to  get  the  lines  in  their  own  hands  every  time  you 
chance  to  run  a  wheel  into  the  ditch,  or  accidentally 
climb  over  a  pig  or  calf.  Those  who  were  with  me  on 
that  occasion  are  not  particularly  loud  in  their  praise  of 
my  driving.  The  fact  is  I  didn't  acquit  myself  in  a 
manner  calculated  to  draw  down  encomiums  in  showers 


HIGH-STRUNG    TROTTERS.  93 

upon  my  head.  I  drove  a  span  that  day.  They  were 
called  high  strung  animals.  But  I  don't  like  high 
strung  horses  any  more.  If  they  would  only  rim  along 
the  track  like  a  locomotive  I  could  hold  the  ribbons  as 
gracefully  as  anybody;  but  I  am  eternally  down  on 
any  of  their  little  by-plays.  This  getting  scared  at 
a  floating  thistle-down,  or  grasshopper  swinging  on  a 
straw,  is  something  I  don't  approve  in  a  horse.  There 
is  no  reason  in  it;  no  profit  accrues  from  it. 

Both  my  trotters  were  frightened  at  different  objects 
at  the  same  moment — one  at  a  snail  peacefully  pursuing 
his  way  across  the  road,  and  the  other  at  a  butterfly 
winging  his  wabbling  flight  along  the  ditch.  At  once 
they  became  unmanageable,  and  vied  with  each  other  in 
extravagant  antics.  From  the  first  the  ladies  had  no 
very  exalted  opinion  of  my  manner  of  handling  the 
lines.  Even  before  we  were  well  under  way  I  had  the 
misfortune  to  run  down  a  calf.  Then  a  New  Found- 
land  dog  thought  to  stop  the  buggy  by  taking  hold  of 
one  of  the  hubs,  but  he  made  a  mis-dive,  and  shoving 
his  head  between  the  spokes,  kept  us  company  for 
twenty  rods  without  any  effort  on  his  part  whatever.  I 
also  ran  over  a  wheelbarrow  loaded  with  bricks  (the 
Irishman  escaped  with  a  crushed  hat),  and  overthrew  an 
applewoman's  stand  while  turning  a  corner.  I  fancy 
I  can  yet  hear  ringing  in  my  ear  the  shouts  and 
execrations  of  the  old  vender,  when  she  saw  the 
wheels  mounting  her  baskets  and  squeezing  the  cider 


EFFECTS   OF   A   COLLISION. 


out  of  her  choicest  Lellfiowers.  Until  I  passed  the  next 
street  I  could  look  back  and  see  the  old  lady  in  her 
embarrassing  situation.  There  she  sat,  with  one  leg 


SLIGHTLY   EMBARRASSING. 


caught  under  the  broken  table,  and  kicking  about  wildly 
with  the  other,  revealing  her  hose  in  a  reckless  manner, 
while  her  bonnet  was  knocked  askew  by  the  fall  she 
sustained,  and  stuck  on  one  side  of  her  head  in  the 
most  comical  and  jaunty  position  imaginable. 

At  this  point  the  horses  became  more  frightened,  and 
commenced  "  cutting  up  strange  didos."     Things  were 


DESERTED    BY    FRIENDS. 


95 


getting  badly  mixed,  so  much  so  that  one  horse  turned  • 
his  head  to  the  dasher.     The  ladies  took  a  hurried  view 


BADLY    MIXED. 


of  the  situation,  and  voting  me  an  incompetent  driver, 
began  to  desert  me  by  back-action  movements  over  the 
rear  end  of  the  buggy. 

I  shall  always  think,  that  I  coiild  have  managed  the 
animals  without  any  difficulty  if  they  had   not  both 


96 


DRIVING   NOT  MY   FORTE. 


been  frightened  at  the  same  time.  But  with  one  buck 
ing  like  a  Mexican  plug,  evidently  bent  on  crawling 
under  the  buggy,  and  the  other  seemingly  striving  to 
reach  heaven  by  an  invisible  ladder,  they  were  indeed 
difficult  to  control. 

My  companions  concluded  they  had  sufficient  buggy 
riding  for  one  day,  and  took  the  cars  into  town,  while  I 
patched  up  the  harness  as  best  I  could  (sacrificing  my 
suspenders  by  the  performance),  and  returned  to  the 
livery  stable,  fully  concurring  with  the  women  folks 
that  as  a  driver  I  was  not  a  success. 


SECOND    SIGHT. 


MAECH  SD. 

A  SINGULAR  case  of  second  sight  occurred  in 
Hayes'  Yalley  last  evening  while  I  was  there.  An 
old  Irishman  named  McSweegan,  who  lives  in  that 
locality,  is  the  possessor  of  a  multiplying  pair  of  eyes. 
That  is,  they  have  the  strange  faculty  of  making  two 
objects  of  one.  This  natural  endowment  is  particularly 
distinguishable  after  he  has  been  indulging  freely  in 
strong  decoctions  of  old  rye. 

Yesterday  he  was  in  town  attending  a  primary  elec 
tion,  at  which  he  expected  to  be  brought  before  the  pub 
lic  as  a  candidate  for  some  fat  local  office.  An  influen 
tial  friend  had  been  intrusted  with  that  highly  important 
and  vital  mission  of  bringing  his  name  before  the  dele 
gates  ;  for  which  service  he  was  to  receive  some  petty 
office  if  his  election  was  effected.  McSweegan  stood 
back  in  a  recess  of  the  hall,  hat  in  hand,  impatiently 

waiting  to  hear  the  familiar  name  pronounced.     In  fancy, 
5  97 


98  THE    DISAPPOINTED    POLITICIAN. 

he  already  listened  to  the  shout  of  applause  that  would 
follow  his  nomination.  But  he  stood  with  a  quiet 
smile  and  a  cocked  ear  in  vain.  Candidate  after  candi 
date  was  announced,  but  the  ancient  and  honorable 
name  of  MeSweegan,  thrilled  not  his  auricular  nerves. 
The  ticket  was  at  last  declared  full,  and  he  was  not  one 
of  the  happy  number.  His  friend  had  played  him 
false, — to  use  a  common  expression,  "  had  gone  back  on 
him,"  and  he  was  justly  indignant.  On  his  way  home 
he  took  Lethean  draughts  in  which  to  drown  his  trouble 
and  keen  disappointment,  and  by  the  time  he  reached 
his  clap-board  front  was  in  capital  condition  for  seeing 
double.  The  hour  was  late  as  he  entered  his  house,  but 
he  found  his  industrious  better-half  sitting  at  a  table 
sewing  by  the  nicker  of  a  tallow  candle.  His  red  and 
multiplying  optics  were  riveted  by  the  wannish  flame, 
which  to  him  had  the  semblance  of  two  well  defined  and 
separate  lights.  This  was  an  extravagance  that  he  could 
not  countenance.  To  have  found  his  wife  up  at  such  a 
late  hour  would  have  been  severe  enough  strain  upon 
his  already  ruffled  temper,  for  he  had  no  wish  to  discuss 
the  result  of  the  "  Democratic  Primary."  But  to  find 
her  needlessly  consuming  two  candles,  showed  a  waste 
fulness  on  her  part,  evincing  an  utter  disregard  for  the 
low  condition  of  his  exchequer.  He  was  exceedingly 
provoked,  and  with  a  view  of  curtailing  home  expenses, 
attempted  to  puff  out  one  of  the  flames.  After  several 


A   BLOW    OCT. 


99 


ineffectual  attempts,  in  which  he  scorched  his  whiskers 
and  eye-brows,  he  succeeded,  but  found  himself  envel- 


THE    ECONOMIST    SEEING    DOUBLE. 


oped  in  Egyptian  darkness.  His  rage  increased.  He  at 
once  accused  his  wife  of  blowing  out  the  "  other  candle  " 
through  spite.  Her  contradictions  only  fanned  his  fury, 
and  the  performance  ended  by  putting  her  out  of  the 
house  and  keeping  her  out  all  night, — for  which  brutal 
act  she  had  him  arrested.  He  now  languishes  in  the 
lock-up. 


A    CAT-ASTROPHE. 


MARCH  YTH. 

"  Methought  I  heard  a  voice  cry,  *  Sleep  no  more.' " — Shakspeare. 

LAST  evening  soon  after  retiring,  I  was  made 
aware  of  the  exceedingly  annoying  fact  that  a 
pair  of  cats  had  selected  the  yard  under  my  window 
for  their  try  sting-place,  and  were  behaving  in  the  most 
scandalous  manner  imaginable. 

I  have  no  objection  to  cats  having  their  courtships 
as  well  as  men ;  but  see  no  reason  in  having  such  a  hoo 
dooing  time  over  it,  making  night  hideous  with  rascally 
yowls.  There  is,  perhaps,  nothing  more  aggravating  in 
life  than  to  hear  a  little  saucy  spit-fire  of  a  puss  spit 
and  yell  like  a  she-devil  if  an  admirer  happens  to  move 
within  a  rod  of  where  she  sits  on  her  haunches. 

The  night  wore  on.  Their  inharmonious  chants 
increased  in  volume  and  spirit.  Considering  the  matter 
I  came  to  the  conclusion  that  I  would  rather  pay  the 
fine  imposed  for  shooting  in  the  city  limits  than  lose 
even  a  half  hour's  sleep,  for  I  had  been  up  the  previous 
night  at  a  surprise  party  until  the  "wee  sma'  hour 
ayant  the  twal." 

I  hastened  to  procure  my  shot  gun,  determined  to 
100 


DEATH   OF  THE   LOVERS.  101 

make  a  scattering  amongst  them  if  nothing  more.  As 
I  reached  the  casement,  a  bright  flash  from  the  window 
of  an  adjoining  house,  and  a  simultaneous  patter  of 
shot  in  the  yard,  informed  me  that  some  co-sufferer  had 
taken  the  initiative  in  the  good  work  of  demolition ;  for 
though  wrought  to  the  highest  pitch  of  ferocity,  his 
nerves  were  steady  and  his  aim  was  sure. 

He  evidently  hit  them  where  their  nine  lives  were 
centered,  and  they  dropped  as  they  stood  when  the  fatal 
tube  was  levelled.  In  short — 

They  died  as  erring  cats  should  die — 

Without  a  kick,  without  a  cry ; 

The  faintest  rustle  in  the  chips, 

A  slight  contraction  of  the  lips, 

Which  brought  the  pointed  teeth  in  sight, 

And  they  had  passed  to  endless  night, 

Ere  half  their  tales  of  love  were  told. 

Even  as  I  write  (ten  o'clock  A.  M.)  they  are  lying  in 
the  yard  as  they  fell,  a  terrible  illustration  of  sudden 
transition  from  bliss  to  blazes  !  There  they  lie  locked  in 
each  others  embrace,  like  a  pair  of  lovers  in  a  ship-wreck, 
who  have  clung  to  each  other  through  fire  and  water, 
and  at  last  reached  the  wreck-strewed  beach  in  body,  but 
not  in  spirit. 

The  gentleman  who  owns  the  yard  has  just  been  out 
looking  at  them.  After  surveying  the  corses  a  long 
time  in  silence,  he  walked  away  without  disturbing  them. 

His  motto  was  evidently  " Eequies-cats  inpaoe" 


GONE  FROM  HIS  GAZE. 


MARCH  12TH. 

There  was  a  little  man, 

And  he  had  a  little  dog ; 
And  he  said:     "  Little  dog,  you  must  stay,  stay,  stay, 

Playing  here  by  the  house, 

As  peaceful  as  a  mouse, 

And  never  hoist  your  tail  and  away,  'way,  'way — 
And  never  hoist  your  tail  and  away." 

Then  said  this  little  pup, 

At  its  master  looking  up : 
"  I  know,  little  master,  you  are  cute,  cute,  cute ; 

But  if  you  will  allow 

Such  a  question,  tell  me,  now, 

What  the  dickens  do  you  want  with  a  brute,  brute,  brute  ? 
What  the  dickens  do  you  want  with  a  brute  ?  rt 

Then  the  little  man  did  stare, 

And  uprose  his  little  hair ; 
And  his  cheeks  with  fear  grew  pale,  pale,  pale, 

As  he  said :     "  I  do  propose, 

Soon  as  you  have  found  your  nose, 
To  kill  by  the  dozen  little  quail,  quail,  quail — 
To  kill  by  the  dozen  little  quail." 
102 


DISOBEDIENCE   PUNISHED. 

At  this  the  puppy  grinned, 

Like  a  mischief-making  fiend, 
As  he  whined :     "  You  cannot  come  it  upon  me,  me,  me. 

You  would  have  me  lie  around 

In  a  back-yard,  like  a  hound, 
And  become  a  paradise  for  the  flea,  flea,  flea — 
And  become  a  paradise  for  the  flea." 

When  the  toil  of  day  had  flown, 

Little  man,  with  little  bone, 
Went  out  where  the  little  dog  ought  to  be,  be,  be. 

He  whistled,  and  he  called, 

He  patted,  and  he  bawled, 
But  the  devil  any  dog  could  he  see,  see,  see — 
But  the  devil  any  dog  could  he  see. 

Next  day  he  chanced  to  stop 

By  a  sausage  maker's  shop, 
And  something  that  he  saw  made  him  holler,  holler,  holler ; 

For  there  in  the  street, 

All  bloody,  at  his  feet, 

Lay  his  poor  little  dog's  leather  collar,  collar,  collar — 
Lay  his  poor  little  dog's  leather  collar. 


103 


ST.  PATRICK'S  DAY. 


MARCH  ITra. 

EKIN  go  bragh  !     St.  Patrick's  day  is  upon  us,  and 
the  city  seems  wrapped  in  a  "  mantle  of  green,"  so 
numerous  are  the  Irish  flags  flying  in  the  breeze. 

From  hovel  roof,  and  church  of  size 
Alike,  the  harp  and  sun-burst  flies ! 

The  ear  of  morn  is  stunned  with  the  bray  of  at  least 
a  dozen  blatant  bands,  as  they  discourse  Old  Erin's 
soul-stirring  airs.  It  is  an  easy  matter  for  a  person  to 
imagine  himself  sitting  by  some  sheeling  door  in 
"  County  Kerry  "  instead  of  this  great  American  city  by 
the  sea.  The  Ancient  Order  of  Hibernians  and  the 
Fenians  are  out  in  full  force,  with  clean  boiled  shirts, 
and  soap-washed  faces.  Marshals  charge  around  upon 
their  caparisoned  steeds  like  real  heroes,  and  sitting 
gracefully  as  a  sack  of  potatoes  upon  the  back  of  a 
spavined  mule  trotting  over  a  corduroy  road.  Evident 
ly  some  of  them  have  never  before  bent  over  anything 
that  came  nigher  to  an  equine  than  a  saw  horse.  It  is 
plain 

Those  who  always  rode,  now  ride  the  more, 
And  those  now  ride  who  never  rode  before. 

104 


KEEPING  ST.  PATRICK'S  DAT. 


105 


Well,  they  love  the  country  that  gave  them  birth, 
and  that  is  a  virtue  that  is  certainly  commendable, — a 
natural  excellence  often  wanting  in  other  nationalities. 
Besides,  celebrating  the  old  gentleman's  birth-day 
makes  business  lively  with  the  stable  men  and  the  shoe 
makers,  and  that  of  itself  is  a  good  reason  why  the 
demonstration  should  be  encouraged.  It  is  hardly 
probable  that  any  of  the  great  powers  will  be  materially 
weakened  by  these  loyal  manifestations. 

Here  is  a    sketch   of    a    spirited    member  of  the 


IN  THE    MORNINO. 


"  Ancient  Order  of  Hibernians,"  as  he  appeared  passing 

my  window  in   the   morning,  full  of  life,  and  loyalty, 
5* 


106 


A   PART   OF   THE   CELEBRATION. 


tripping  the  asphaltum  pavement  lightly  as  though 
traversing  the  springy  surface  of  his  native  bogs.  And 
below  is  another  sketch  of  the  same  individual  in  the 
evening,  when  full  of  oaths  and  whiskey,  lying  in  the 


IN   THE   EVENIMG. 

gutter  with  all  that  ease  and  abandon  which  character 
izes  the  Celtic  race,  wherever  dispersed,  in  every  land, 
and  in  every  age. 

The  different  races  of  men  have  their  different  weak 
nesses.  It  may  seem  an  extravagant  statement,  but  I 
venture  to  say  if  there  had  been  no  rice  plant  in  the 
world,  the  Chinese  would  not  have  cared  to  live.  I  will 
even  go  further  and  say  perhaps  there  would  have  been 
no  Mongolian  race.  And  now  the  thought  occurs  to 
me,  this  deficiency  in  the  human  family  would  not  have 
been  such  a  terrible  thing  after  all.  True,  we  should 
have  been  obliged  to  get  along  with  catnip  tea  instead 


A   SPY-GLASS   WITHOUT   THE   GLASS.  307 

of  Souchong,  which  would  have  been  pretty  heavy  on 
old  women.  We  also  would  have  been  obliged  to  worry 
through  without  old  Confucius,  which  might  have  made 
some  confusion  in  metaphysics,  or  political  morality. 
But  as  the  latter  could  hardly  be  worse  than  it  is  at 
present  with  all  his  teachings,  we  possibly  might  have 
managed  to  exist  very  well  without  the  moon-eyed 
philosopher. 

The  Teuton  dotes  on  his  well  seasoned  bologna.  The 
grizzly  Emperor  William,  standing  upon  an  eminence 
near  Rezonville,  overlooking  the  battle-field,  with  a  spy 
glass  in  one  hand  and  a  large  bologna  sausage  in  the 
other,  furnished  indeed  a  striking  sketch  for  the  special 
artist  of  the  occasion.  The  humor  of  the  situation 
came  in  when  the  Emperor,  forgetting  himself  in  the 
excitement  of  the  moment,  raised  the  sausage  to  his  eye 
instead  of  the  spy-glass,  and  because  he  failed  to  see 
the  squadron  of  Uhlans — that  a  moment  before  were 
charging  upon  a  battery — concluded  they  were  blown  to 
smithereens,  and  losing  his  usual  equanimity,  com 
menced  to  swear  fearfully,  and  order  up  another  division 
to  take  their  place.  There  was  a  broad  and  sarcastic 
humor  couched  in  the  remark  of  the  officer  at  his  side, 
who  observed  the  mistake,  and  ventured  the  suggestion, 
"  If  your  Majesty  will  take  another  bite  from  the  sau 
sage,  perhaps  you  will  be  able  to  see  through  it." 

And  then,  there  is  the  jovial,  careless,  free-hearted, 
yet  quarrelsome  Irishman,  who  thinks  Heaven  without 


108  A   SPECIMEN   HIBERNIAN. 

a  little  whiskey  still  in  one  corner  of  it, — "  over  beyant 
the  throne,  and  forninst  the  back  dure,"  for  instance — 
would  be  just  no  Heaven  at  all.  I  believe  there  is  not 
a  race  of  men  upon  the  face  of  the  earth — from  Behring 
Straits  to  Tierra  del  Fuego,  round  and  about,  over  and 
under,  or  down  either  quarter — that  can  extract  the 
same  genuine  soul-satisfying  bliss  from  a  flattened  nose 
or  swelled  lip,  that  a  real,  irrepressible,  County  Kerry 
Irishman  can.  Let  him  have  that,  and  a  good  stiff  horn 
of  whiskey  to  keep  the  blood  running  freely,  and  my 
advice  to  you  is,  keep  upon  the  other  side  of  the  street, 
if  you  intend  to  sit  for  your  picture  that  afternoon,  or 
visit  your  sweetheart  that  evening,  or  expect  to  take  up 
the  collection  during  divine  worship  the  next  Sunday. 
At  such  a  time  he  is  no  respecter  of  persons,  this  set-up 
Irishman.  You  may  be  the  Rector  of  the  finest  cathe 
dral  in  the  place,  the  mayor  of  the  city,  the  judge  of 
the  supreme  court,  or  even  the  governor  of  the  state, 
and  should  your  hat  chance  to  blow  off  and  roll  in  front 
of  him, — though  it  should  cost  him  a  fall  upon  the 
pavement, — that  man  will  kick  it.  I  tell  you  he  will 
kick  it,  and  soundly  too.  He  will  make  no  mincing 
about  it,  but  go  for  it,  as  he  would  for  his  neighbor's 
sow,  should  he  find  her  in  his  garden  of  cabbages.  At 
such  a  time  he  is  full  of  words  also,  and  can  bestow 
upon  the  stone  that  trips  him  up,  the  same  flow  of 
abuse  that  he  can  shower  upon  the  man  who  assists  him 
to  his  feet. 


THE  CONTENTED  FROG-. 


MARCH  20tH. 
The  frog  that  once  in  Selby's  dam 

It's  weird  music  shed, 
Now  lies  as  mute  as  stranded  clam — 

Because  that  frog  is  dead. 
So  sleeps  the  plague  of  former  days, 

So  noisy  nights  are  o'er, 
And  he  now  on  the  pond  decays 

Who  long  cried,  "  Sleep  no  more ! " 


A  frog  upon  a  log  one  day 

In  meditation  sat, 
And  gazed  upon  his  pond,  that  lay 

Still  as  a  tanner's  vat. 

No  fish  swam  in  his  fetid  lake, 

No  current  seaward  run; 
But  hemmed  by  grasses,  weed,  and  brake, 

It  mantled  in  the  sun. 

109 


110 


NO    PLACE    LIKE    HOME. 


IN    MEDITATION. 

At  length  from  revery  he  woke, 

And  thus  to  free  his  mind, 
He  in  the  gutt'ral  jargon  spoke 

Peculiar  to  his  kind : 

"  Give  me  my  slimy  pool,"  quoth  he, 

"  Before  a  river  wide, 
Where  cranes  are  found,  still  wading  round, 

And  hungry  fishes  glide. 


DANGER   THREATENS.  Ill 

"  Here  light  first  dawn'd,  here  was  I  spawn'd, 

And  here  I  make  my  home — 
Those  longest  live  who're  not  inclined 

In  foreign  parts  to  roam. 

"  Upon  this  log,  or  stone,  I  sit, 

The  water-fly  to  view, 
Or  watch  the  glossy  whirligig 

Describe  his  circles  true. 

"  How  foolish  are  some  pollywogs ; 

Before  they've  lost  their  tails 
They  often  class  themselves  with  frogs, 

And  leave  their  native  swales  ; 

"  And  while  exploring  down  some  ditch, 

Beneath  a  scorching  ray, 
Upon  a  sandy  bar  they  hitch, 

And  bake  as  dry  as  hay. 

Had  they  but  waited  till  the  tail 

Had  from  their  body  dropp'd — 
And  in  its  stead  four  legs  shot  forth— 

Away  they  might  have  hopp'd." 

Thus  while  he  sat  above  the  pool, 

Commenting  on  his  lot, 
He  heard  a  truant  boy  from  school 

Come  whistling  to  the  spot. 

"Ah  ha  ! »  quoth  he,  "  I  hear,  I  see 

An  ancient  foe  cf  mine ; 
He  stones  will  throw,  that  well  I  know, 

And  straight  ones  I  divine. 


112  A   HIDING  PLACE. 

"The  sparrow  on  the  picket  fence, 

The  squirrel  on  the  limb, 
The  swallow  flying  overhead, 

Alike  look  out  for  him. 

"There  are  some  hands  I  scarcely  fear, 

So  ill  a  stone  they  guide ; 
But  when  Bob  Stevenson  is  near 

'Tis  meet  that  I  should  hide." 

So,  prompted  by  the  fearful  thought, 

He  leaped  in  with  a  thud, 
And  diving  to  Uie  bottom,  sought 

Concealment  in  the  mud. 

Now  burrow,  burrow,  little  frog, 

As  you  will  trouble  find ; 
Think  not  because  your  eyes  are  shut, 

That  every  one  is  blind. 

Then  burrow  deeper,  deeper  far 
Leave  not  one  claw  in  view  ; 

Or,  swifter  than  a  falling  star, 
A  stone  will  cleave  you  through. 

"While  here,"  said  he,  "I'm  safe  enough, 

And  here  I'll  peaceful  lie 
Until  that  little  whistling  rough 

Has  passed  the  water  by." 

But,  ah  !  while  he  did  reckon  that 
The  host  was  not  around, — 

The  youngster  saw  him  quit  the  log, 
And  soon  a  stone  was  found. 


THE  BOY'S  MORAL. 

He  stood  beside  the  circling  pond, 

And  gazed  a  while  below — 
The  tell-tale  mud  the  frog  disturbed 

Rose  from  the  bottom  slow. 

But,  ah !  for  childhood's  searching  eyes, 
What  can  escape  their  darts  ? 

Projecting  from  the  mud  he  spies 
The  croaker's  hinder  parts. 


113 


HITIN*   HIM. 

"  Ho !  ho ! "  then  laughed  this  cruel  boy. 

"  Bear  now  this  truth  in  mind : 
If  you  from  trouble  would  be  free 

Remember  your  behind." 


114 


ALAS  !      POOR   FEOG. 

Then  down  he  sent  the  ready  stone, 
Nor  went  it  down  in  vain — 

Dead  as  the  missile  that  was  thrown, 
The  frog  came  up  again. 


Along  the  river's  ferny  banks 
The  frogs  still  chant  their  lays 

While  floating  on  his  native  pool, 
That  stone-killed  frog  decays. 


SAM  PATTERSON'S  BALLOON. 


MARCH  24:TH. 

LAST  night  while  a  party  of  us  were  sitting  around 
the  table  in  the  cabin  of  the  New  World,  talking 
about  the  San  Francisco  Avitor  and  aerial  sailing  gen 
erally,  our  conversation  was  interrupted  by  a  dark,  raw- 
boned  Hoosier  who  had  entered  the  cabin  shortly  after 
the  steamer  left  Yallejo.  He  kept  squirming  on  his 
chair  as  though  troubled  with  the  colic,  And  was  evidently 
anxious  to  shoot  off  his  mouth.  "  I  say,  coons,  I'm  Sam 
Patterson,"  he  commenced  at  last,  "  and  if  this  yer  hash 
is  free  and  no  one  han't  no  objections,  I'd  like  ini'ty  well 
to  dip  my  spoon  in." 

All  turned  to  look  at  the  speaker.  Even  the  fat  old 
colporteur  who,  during  our  conversation,  had  not  taken 
his  eyes  from  the  Christian  Guardian  he  was  reading, 
stretched  up  and  peered  over  the  top  of  the  paper 
at  the  speaker.  Before  any  one  could  reply  the  Hoosier 

gave  his  chair  a  hitch  nigher  the  table  and  went  on. 

115 


116 


SAM'S  OPINION  OF  BALLOONS. 


"I  say,  boss,"  lie  continued,  addressing  his  conversa 
tion  to  me,  perhaps  because  I  had  just  been  expressing 


SAM   PATTERSON. 


my  opinion,  "  I  don't  go  a  derned  picayune  on  navigatin' 
the  air.  They  ain't  no  need  of  talkin'  and  gassin'  about 
crossin'  the  'tlantic  or  any  of  them  foolish  ventur's.  I 
happen  to  know  somethin'  about  balloonin',  and  under 
stand  pooty  near  what  you  can  do  and  what  you  carft 
do  with  one  of  them  fellers.  I'd  a  plag'y  sight  ruther 
undertake  to  cross  the  ocean  in  a  dug-out,  than  ventur* 
in  one  of  them  derned  tricky  cob-webs ;  you  can't  depend 


HE  SPEAKS  FKOM  EXPEDIENCE.          117 

on  'em.  Thar  like  a  flea, — when  a  man  thinks  he's  got 
'em  he  hain't." 

"  Perhaps  you  are  misled  by  prejudice  ?"  I  ventured 
to  remark. 

"  No,  I  ain't  nuther,"  answered  the  Hoosier, "  I  speak 
from  experience.  I've  bin  thar." 

"  Oh  !  you  have  given  the  aeronautic  science  some 
attention  then  ?"  I  said.  "  An  inventor,  I  presume  ?" 

"  Wai  no.  I  don't  exactly  claim  to  be  an  inventor," 
he  replied ;  "  I  reckon  1  foller'd  on  the  old  plan  exceptin' 
in  the  material  used  in  constructin'." 

"  Did  you  ever  make  an  ascension  ?"     I  asked. 

" "Wai,  yes,  I've  bin  up  some"  he  answered  dryly. 

"  Have  you  ever  been  very  high  ?"  inquired  the  col 
porteur,  who  seemed  to  grow  interested. 

"  Perhaps  not  so  high  as  eagles  or  turkey -buzzards 
fly,  but  a  derned  sight  higher  than  barn-yard  fowls  ven- 
tur',"  answered  the  Hoosier.  "  You  see,"  he  continued, 
"  I  was  stayin'  down  to  Orleans  once  for  about  a  week, 
and  thar  was  a  professor  had  a  balloon  in  the  park 
hitched  to  a  stake,  and  he  was  histin'  people  up  the 
length  of  the  rope  for  two  bits  a  head.  I  stepped  into 
the  cradle  that  was  a  hangin'  to  it,  and  went  up  the  length 
of  the  rope,  and  liked  it  pooty  well.  I  went  up  three 
or  four  times  and  made  considerable  inquiries  about  the 
manner  of  constructin'  and  inflatin',  as  I  was  cal'latin'  to 
rig  up  one  when  I  got  hum  to  Tuckersville. 

"  When  I  got  back  I  telled  Sal  what  I  was  bent  on 


118  MAKING   OF   THE    BALLOON. 

doin'.  She  tried  pooty  hard  to  git  the  notion  out  of 
my  head,  but  'twas  stuck  thar  like  a  bur  to  a  cow's  tail. 
I  telled  her  it  mout  be  the  makin'  of  us,  so  arter  a  while 
she  gin  in,  and  as  silk  was  too  alfired  expensive  Sal  gin 
me  a  lot  of  bed  sheets  and  helped  me  sew  'em  together 
down  in  the  cellar.  "We  put  it  together  down  thar 
'cause  I  didn't  want  any  of  the  neighbors  to  know  what 
was  up,  until  I  could  astonish  'em  some  fine  mornin'  by 
rizin'  above  the  hull  caboodle,  and  for  wunct  lookiii' 
down  on  some  on  'em  that  was  snuffiin'  around  and 
tryin'  to  look  down  on  me  mity  bad. 

"  I  used  a  rousin'  great  corn  basket  for  the  cradle, 
and  arter  she  was  already  for  inflatin'  I  had  my  life 
insured,  'cause  I  didn't  want  Sal  to  suffer  by  any  of  my 
ventur's.  Then  I  went  to  Sol  Spence,  the  lawyer,  and 
had  him  draw  up  the  writin's  of  a  will,  and  while  he  was 
doin'  it  he  wormed  the  balloon  secret  out  of  me,  and 
wanted  me  to  take  him  along.  I  telled  him  'twas  pooty 
risky  business  and  that  he'd  hev  to  run  some  chances, 
as  I  was  cal'latin'  on  seein'  what  clouds  war  made  of 
before  I  came  down.  He  said  them  war  his  sentiments 
exactly ;  that  he  allers  had  a  great  hankerin'  to  git  up 
thar  and  see  what  sort  of  a  spongy  thing  they  war  any 
how. 

"I  didn't  object  much,  I  reckoned  the  sheets  war 
good  for  it,  though  he  went  over  two  hundred,  but  I  cal- 
'lated  he'd  do  instead  of  ballast,  and  be  company  besides. 
So  I  took  some  bed  cord  and  slung  another  corn  basket 


INFLATING   IT.  119 

below  the  one  I  was  gwine  in,  and  after  dark  we  hauled 
the  great  floppy  thing  out  into  the  back  yard,  and  arter 
we  eot  it  histed  up  on  stakes  we  commenced  buildin' 
fires  under  her  to  git  the  gas  up  and  gittin'  things  ready 
ginnerally.  About  sun  up  we  had  her  all  ready  to  step 
into.  Spence  had  his  sketch  book  along  cal'latin'  on 
taking  some  birds-eye  views,  and  I  had  a  bottle  of  gin 
cal'latin'  to  empty  it  gwine  up  and  fill  it  with  rain  water 
while  up  thar.  The  thing  was  a  wallopin'  and  rollin' 
around  the  yard  mity  impatient  to  git  off.  I  hitched 
her  first  to  the  grindstone  frame,  but  she  was  snakin' 
that  around  the  yard,  and  the  dogs  commenced  sech  an 
alfired  yelpin'  and  scuddin'  round  and  watchin'  of  it 
through  the  fence,  that  we  were  obliged  to  put  'em  in 
the  cellar,  'cause  we  didn't  want  the  hull  neighborhood 
attractid  by  thar  barkin'.  Then  we  fastened  the  balloon 
to  the  shed  post  and  left  Sal  to  watch  her  while  we  war 
eatin'  a  snack  of  breakfast.  Pooty  soon  arter  we  heard 
Sal  a  shoutin'  that  she  was  a  gwine  off  with  the  wood 
shed.  So  we  ran  out  mity  lively  and  had  no  time  to 
spare  nuther.  I  jumped  up  and  caught  one  rope  and 
Spence  got  hold  of  another.  We*  couldn't  fetch  it  down 
'till  Sal  caught  hold  of  my  leg,  and  between  us  three 
we  pulled  it  back  agin.  (See  frontispiece.) 

"  She  gin  a  sort  of  puff  and  come  down  pooty  sudden 
when  near  the  ground,  and  one  of  the  posts  of  the  shed 
came  fair  onto  the  back  of  a  leetle  pet  hog  that  was 
rootin'  round  the  yard  and  knuckled  his  back  down 
into  the  chips,  leavin'  his  head  and  hinder  parts  stickin' 


120 


IT   ATTEMPTS   TO   RUNT   AWAY   WITH   SAL. 


up.  He  commenced  sich  an  almi'ty  squealin'  you  could 
hear  him  more'n  two  miles.  While  Spence  and  I  were 
fussin'  at  the  ropes  to  unloose  her  from  the  shed,  she 


ATTEMPTED   ABDUCTION   OF   SAM'S   WIFE. 

took  another  sudden  start  up  agin  and  shot  away  from 
us  quicker  than  scat.  Sal  happened  to  have  hold  of  a 
rope  at  the  time  and  up  she  went  into  the  air  scootin' 


"  UP    IN    A    BALLOON,    BOYS."  121 

like  a  rocket.  Sal  was  a  plucky  critter.  Durn  me,  if 
she  wasn't  as  full  of  grit  as  a  sandstone.  She  could  have 
let  go  that  rope,  but  she  wouldn't ;  sh_e  wanted  to  fetch 
the  consarn  down  agin,  and  was  bound  to  cling  to  her 
until  she  did.  Blow  me,  if  1  didn't  think  for  a  while  I 
was  goin'  to  lose  the  old  woman.  Thar  she  was  a  hangin' 
on  to  the  end  of  the  rope  hollerin'  like  a  hull  regiment 
chargin'  a  battery,  and  trailin'  and  swingin'  about  with 
out  any  notion  of  lettin'  go. 

"  We  had  a  lively  time  of  it  gettin'  her  down  agm 
too,  now  I  can  tell  you.  I  jumped  over  a  fence  into  the 
garden,  and  snatchin'  up  a  rake  commenced  to  scrape  at 
her,  and  finally  the  teeth  caught  in  her  dress,  and  then  I 
had  a  pooty  good  hold  so  long  as  Sal  was  good  for  it. 
Spence  got  hold  of  another  rope  that  was  danglin'  around, 
so  between  us  we  got  her  down  the  second  time.  Then 
I  sung  out  to  Spence,  '  Spence,'  ses  I,  *  climb  into  yer 
basket  and  let's  be  off,  or  by  thunder !  the  hull  town 
will  be  here  and  stop  us  gwine.'  So  we  clim'  into 
our  baskets  and  flung  out  Sal's  flat  irons,  that  we  had 
for  ballast,  and  up  we  shot  like  a  spark  up  a  chimney. 
I  hollered  back  to  Sal  to  put  the  hog  out  of  pain  and 
stop  the  infarnil  squeakin',  and  the  last  I  seed  of  her  as 
we  went  round  the  gable,  she  was  a  whackin'  him  over 
the  head  with  the  back  of  an  ax,  and  he  was  a  hollerin' 
wuss  and  wuss. 

"  The  wind  took  the  balloon  first  over  a  swamp  back 
of  the  village,  where  no  person  seemed  to  see  us,  and 
then  the  world  began  to  drop  away  pooty  nicely. 


122  SOL    SPENCE    GETS    NERVOUS. 

'Twant  long  till  I  heered  Spence  callin'  out  mi'ty 
skeered  like : 

" '  I  guess,  Sam,  you  mout  as  well  land  her  and  let  me 
git  out.' 

" i  Are  you  afeered,  Spence  ? '  ses  I,  jest  that  way. 

"  '  No,'  he  answered.  '  I  arn't  afeered,  but  I  reckon 
my  fam'ly  would  be  mi'ty  uneasy  about  this  time  if  they 
knowed  whar  I  was,  and  I  begin  to  feel  pooty  sow- 
licitous  about  'em.' 

"  '  This  yer  thing  is  somethin'  like  law,'  I  ses,  'when 
yer'  into  her  you've  got  to  keep  goin'  till  somethin' 
gins  out.  She  hasn't  got  a  rope  a  holdin'  of  her  down 
now,  Spence,  and  as  for  yer'  fam'ly,  I  reckon  they  are  a 
derned  sight  safer  than  you  be,  so  if  you  have  any  spare 
sowlicitude,  you  had  better  be  a  tuckin'  it  onto  your 
self.  'Sides,'  I  contin'ed,  'I  hain't  studied  into  the 
lettin'  down  part  of  it  half  so  much  as  into  the  rizin'.' 

"'Jerusalem!'  he  shouted.  'I  thought  you  war 
famil'ar  with  the  hull  thing  or  I'd  have  as  soon  thought 
of  gwine  up  in  a  whirlwind.' 

" '  1  fancy  I  do  know  considerable  about  it,'  I  ses. 

"'Then  why  can't  you  stop  her  right  here?'  he 
hollered,  lookin'  up  pooty  pale. 

" '  I  cal'late  we've  got  to  keep  ascendin'  while  the  gas 
holds  out,'  I  answered. 

"  '  ifcinder  and  lightnin' ! '  he  hollered,  jest  that  way, 

• 

'  and  what  are  you  agwine  to  do  arter  the  gas  gins  out  ? ' 
"  '  I  reckon,'  ses  I,  '  we'll  come  down  agin.' 


HE   BEGINS   TO    GET    IDEAS. 


123 


"'Aflukin'?'  he  asked. 

" '  Perhaps  so,'  ses  I.     '  I  cal'late  we'll  come  down 


"A   FLUKIN*." 

faster  than  we're  gwine  up,  but  I'm  hopin'  to  catch  an 


124  COMING   DOWN. 

undercurrent  of  a'r  that  will  sweep  us  along,  and  let  us 
down  sort  of  gently.' 

"  Just  as  we  war'  talkin'  somethin'  gin  an  alfired 
crack  overhead,  and  she  began  to  drop  down  by  the  run 
pooty  derned  lively. 

"  '  "What's  that  ? '  shouted  Spence.  '  I  think  I  hear  a 
sort  of  tearin'  noise  up  thar;  ain't  somethin'  ginnin' 

out?' 

" '  I  reckon  the  old  woman's  sheets  have  commenced 

to  gin  out,'  I  said,  kind  of  careless  like,  though  begin- 
nin'  to  feel  mi'ty  narvous  all  to  wunct.  On  lookin' 
down,  I  seed  Spence  was  a  cranin'  out  of  the  basket 
and  lookin'  down  jest  as  pale  as  could  be. 

"  i  Sufferin'  martyrs ! '  he  shouted.  l  Can't  you  throw 
out  somethin',  Sam,  and  lighten  her  a  leetle?  She's 
droppin'  straight  down  like  an  aerolite.' 

"  < I  hain't  got  any  thin'  to  throw  out  exceptin'  the  gin 
bottle,  and  that  ar'  is  e'enmost  empty,'  I  ses.  i  I  cal'late 
we've  got  to  take  our  chances  ;  if  you  hain't  forgot  yer 
childhood  prayers,  you  mout  as  well  be  a  runnin'  of  'em 
over,  for  things  are  beginnm'  to  look  mi'ty  skeery  jest 
now,  I  can  tell  ye.' 

"  Pooty  soon  I  heer'd  him  a  mumblin'  to  himself,  and 
I  allers  allowed  he  was  pray  in'. 

"We  war  now  about  steeple  high,  and  as  I  had 
expectj^the  wind  caught  us  and  began  to  sweep  U8 
arouno^pooty  loose.  As  we  went  wallopin'  over  St. 
Patrick's  church,  Spence's  basket  struck  the  spire  and 


ROUGH    ON   THE   PRIEST.  125 

was  a  spillin'  of  him  out  like  a  lobster  out  of  a  market 
basket.  I  peered  over  and  seed  he  was  e'enmost  gone,  so 
I  hollered,  '  Go  for  the  cross,  Spence,  it's  your  only 
chance.'  He  seemed  to  be  of  the  same  mind,  for  as  I 
spoke  he  was  a  grabbin'  for  it  and  managed  to  git  hold 
on  one  arm.  I  reckon  if  he  had  got  hold  on  both  arms 
like  the  gal  in  the  pictur,  he'd  have  bin  all  right ;  but 
things  war  gettin'  desperate  and  he  had  to  take  what 
come.  The  balloon  riz  some  when  he  fell  out  and  as 
it  was  a  movin'  off  I  looked  back  to  see  how  he  was 
makin'  it.  He  was  a  hangin'  thar  like  a  gymnast,  a 
kickin'  and  a  wormin'  and  the  steeple  a  rockin'.  But 
he  was  too  derned  heavy ;  he  couldn't  draw  himself  up 
nohow.  Pooty  soon  the  arm  of  the  cross  gin  out,  and 
down  he  slid  along  the  steeple  like  a  shot  coon  down  a 
?simmon  tree. 

"  Fortunately  he  struck  the  roof  and  over  it  he  rolled, 
clawin'  and  a  scratchin'  the  shingles  as  he  went.  But 
it  was  '  all  go  and  no  whoa,'  as  the  gal  said  when  she 
was  a  slidin'  the  greased  balluster.  Old  Father  McGil- 
lop  was  just  comin'  out  of  the  vestry  door  arter  matin's 
as  Spence  come  a  scootin'  over  the  eaves  and  down  ker- 
flumix  right  on  top  of  him.  This,  ye  see,  sort  of  broke 
the  fall  for  Spence,  but  it  spread  the  distress.  He  was 
so  heavy  and  come  with  such  force  he  druv  the  old 
priest's  legs  into  the  ground  like  stakes,  a^L  left  his 
feet  settin'  on.  the  grass.  'Sides  this,  he  disjmted  the 
neck  of  his  Kiverence,  and  shoved  it  so  far  down  into  the 


126  THE   PRIEST   DEMORALIZED. 

body  that  his  collar  bone  scraped  off  both  ears,  which 
flew  out  like  chips  from  an  axe.  They  had  to  git  a  shovel 
to  dig  up  his  legs,  and  Doc.  Willoughby  was  a  fussin' 
over  him  more  than  five  hours  a  yankin'  his  neck  out 
of  his  body,  and  sewin'  his  ears  on,  and  " 

"  Stop  now,"  said  the  old  colporteur,  who  was  worked 
up  to  the  top  notch  of  attention,  "  do  you  mean  to  say 
he  lived  after  his  neck  was  dislocated  ?" 

"  Wai  I  reckon,  old  hoss,"  said  the  narrator,  as  he 
took  a  fresh  quid  of  tobacco,  "  I  hain't  made  no  sech 
derned  unreasonable  assertion.  I  was  sayin'  they  hauled 
his  neck  back,  and  sewed  his  ears  on  agin,  (or  ruther 
one  of  'em,  for  the  butcher's  dog  eat  t'other  one  before 
the  old  sexton  could  git  to  it,)  so  that  he  mout  make 
somethin'  like  a  decent  appearance  in  the  coffin. 

"  Soon  as  Spence  went  over  the  eave  I  lost  sight  of 
him,  for  I  was  drivin'  pooty  briskly  over  Kent's  corn 
patch,  and  as  I  came  sweepin'  down  by  the  widder 
O'Donnell's  she  was  in  the  yard  gittin'  an  apron  full 
of  chips.  I  reckon  she  heer'd  a  burrin'  sound  over  head, 
'cause  she  looked  up,  and  when  she  seed  the  balloon  she 
gin  a  squall  and  cried  out  '  Hully  Virgin,'  and  set  in  to 
cross  herself ;  but  afore  she  had  described  the  shank  of 
the  cross,  she  flopped  in  a  dead  swoon.  Thar  war  about 
a  dozen  black  hogs  in  good  runnin'  order  a  huntin'  clo 
ver  rootsAose  by,  and  when-  they  seed  her  drop  they 
soured  or^roots  and  went  in  for  flesh.  Soon  as  I  seed 
'em  cluster  around  her  head  on — like  flies  around  a  sore 


HOGS    AS    SURGEONS.  127 

— I  reckoned  they  meant  business.  The  hired  man  was 
a  cornin'  from  the  pastur'  with  a  pail  of  milk,  and  I 
shouted  down  to  him,  '  Hurry  up,  the  widder's  drop't, 
and  the  hogs  ar'  arter  her.'  He  didn't  know  I  was  thar 
till  I  hollered,  then  I  reckon  he  didn't  understand  me, 
for  he  broke  and  run  for  the  barn,  lookin'  up  and  run- 
nin'  like  the  center  field  of  a  base  ball  club,  when  he's 
bent  on  in  akin'  a  fly  catch.  When  the  wind  shifted  I 
got  another  glimpse  of  the  chip-yard,  and  I  seed  the  hogs 
had  broken  into  knots  of  twos  or  fours  and  war  wranglin' 
and  tushin'  and  tusslin'  around  the  yard,  so  I  cal'latid' 
they  had  got  through  with  the  amputation  business  and 
war — " 

"  "What,  what,  was  she  torn  to  pieces  ?*'  asked  the  old 
colporteur  excitedly. 

"  Waal  I  reckon  she  was  torn  to  pieces,  and  pooty 
well  licked  up  too,"  answered  the  Hoosier,  "  all  that  was 
found  of  her  was  put  in  a  box  about  the  size  of  a  violin 
case,  which  the  sexton  carried  to  the  buryin'  ground 
under  his  arm. 

"  I  was  a  drivin'  and  a  driftin'  over  the  village  like  a 
thistle  down,  for  more  than  two  hours,  and  the  dogs 
war  a  barkin'  and  the  men  and  wimmin  a  hollerin'  and 
a  runnin'  arter  it  wherever  it  drifted.  The  barn-yard 
fowls  war  a  cacklin'  and  a  screamin'.  Jehosophat!  didn't 
I  make  a  rumption  among  them  though !  Ymi'd  think 
thar  war  forty  thousand  hawks  and  turkey-Mzzards  a 
hoverin'  over  the  village,  by  the  way  they  scattered, 


128  MAKING   LAND. 

aginst  the  winders,  ahind  stun  walls,  into  the  wells, 
under  lumber  piles  and  currint  bushes  ;  such  a  scrougin' 
and  squattin'  and  scootin'  I  never  did  see.  Parson 
Jones  had  thirteen  lights  of  glass  smashed  by  fowls  a 
batterin'  aginst  the  winders  tryin'  to  git  in,  and  Dud 
Davis,  the  blacksmith,  fished  seven  dead  hens,  two  tur 
key's,  a  guinea  fowl,  and  two  small  pigs  out  of  his  well 
next  day,  whar  they  sought  refuge  and  war  drown'd. 
Dad  Kent  gin  me  six  traces  of  good  seed  corn  next  fall. 
He  said  barrin'  the  killin'  of  Priest  McGillop  and  the 
widder,  it  was  the  best  thing  that  ever  happened  in 
Tuckersville.  He  said  I  did  more  for  his  crop  than  if 
he  had  a  scare-crow  standin'  astride  every  hill.  Thar 
wasn't  a  crow  flew  within  two  miles  of  the  village  for 
more'n  a  fortnight,  and  by  that  time  the  corn  was  grown 
so  they  couldn't  pull  it  up. 

"  Pooty  soon  the  balloon  come  down  about  house  high 
and  druv  over  towards  the  dee-pot.  I  was  a  hopin'  she'd 
catch  on  the  telegraph  wire,  but  she  skimm'd  over,  like 
a  swallow  over  a  fence,  and  immediately  riz  up  tree  high 
agin,  where  scrape,  slap,  slash,  she  went  into  a  pine  tree 
that  stood  out  alone  in  the  field.  I  was  scratched  pooty 
bad  but  hung  on  to  the  limbs,  and  arter  a  while  slid 
down  the  tree  leavin'  the  balloon  hangin'  in  the  tree- 
top.  Great  turnips !  if  all  Tuckersville  wasn't  down 
thar  in  fge  minutes.  Thar  war  young  'uns  runniii' 
around  in^their  shirt-tails,  with  corn-dodgers  in  their 
hands,  and  wimmin  half  dressed,  with  suckin'  babies  in 


THE   WORLD   KU^S   TO    SEE    THE    BALLOON. 


129 


their  arms.  It  was  like  a  dog  fight,  only,  as  the  feller 
said  when  describin'  the  nigger  by  the  mulatter,  it  was 
more  so. 

"  The  train  was  delayed  half  an  hour  that  mornin,' 
'cause  the  engineer,  conductor  and  all  hands  jumped 
off  the  cars  and  ran  down  to  the  balloon.  Peg-leg  Dib- 
bly,  the  Mexican  war  veteran,  was  thar,  hobblin'  around 
amongst  the  rest.  He  was  in  such  a  hurry  to  git  down 
to  the  tree  he  wouldn't  go  around  by  the  road,  but 


GO    IN,    CRIPPLE. 

started  in  to  take  a  short  cut  across  the  marsh  with  the 

crowd.     And  he  had  a  sweet,  sweatin'  time  of  it  too, 
6* 


130  ONLY   ONE   FOOT   IN   THE   MUD. 

now  I  can  assure  you.  First  his  cane  would  stick,  and 
just  about  the  time  he  would  git  that  out,  down  would 
slide  his  iron-shod  leg  fully  a  foot  into  the  mud,  and 
stake  him  thar  like  a  scarecrow.  Then  he  would  look 
down  to  where  the  people  were  standin',  and  rip  and 
swear  until  the  want  of  breath  only  would  make  him 
let  up.  He  got  down  thar  after  a  while  though,  but  he 
had  to  crawl  considerable  before  he  could  do  it ;  and 
arter  he  got  thar  he  was  bobbin'  here  and  bobbin1  thar, 
tryin'  to  git  a  better  look-up  into  the  tree,  until  at  last 
he  stumbled  and  fell  across  one  of  Dud  Davis'  young 
'uns,  and  gin  her  left  leg  a  compound  fractur'.  She 
set  up  a  screamin',  and  he  was  so  weak  and  frightened 
he  couldn't  git  up  agin  no  how,  but  lay  thar  gruntin', 
and  sprawlin',  and  kickin'  his  one  leg  around,  like  a 
crawfish  stuck  on  a  clamshell.  The  blacksmith  was 
thar  himself,  and  when  he  seed  his  young  'un  down  in 
the  mud,  with  her  leg  broke,  and  the  old  feller  a  clawin' 
round  on  top  of  her,  you  never  seed  a  man  so  mad  in 
all  your  born  days.  He  jest  ran  and  grabbed  the  old 
pensioner  by  the  coat  collar,  yanked  him  off  the  gal 
quicker  than  lightnin',  and  slung  him  more'n  fifteen 
feet,  landin'  him  slidin'  on  his  back  in  the  mud,  like  a 
crab. 

"  About  the  same  time  Tubbs,  the  cooper,  was  a  lookin' 
up,  and  he  seed  a  bough  springin'  up,  and  he  allowed 
the  balloon  was  com  in'  down ;  so  he  started  to  run,  and 
stepped  on  the  foot  of  Kent's  snappin'  bull-dog,  that 
was  a  settiri'  thar  lookin'  up  the  tree,  thinking  thar 


JUST    A    MOUTHFUL^  131 

must  be  a  coon  up  it.  The  cur  whirled  round 
mad,  and  sot  his  teeth  into  the  nighest  thing  to  him, 
which  happened  to  be  old  Polly  Allen's  leg.  But  he 


A    RIGHT    ANGLED    TRY- ANCLE. 


got  more  than  he  bargained  for  though,  as  the  man 
said  when  his  wife  had  twins,  for  her  leg  was  pooty 
tough  and  cordy,  and  his  teeth  stuck  thar,  and  she  was 
a  screamin'  and  a  runnin'  hum,  draggin'  him  arter  her 
more'n  half  the  way.  I  never  did  see  sich  an  excitin' 
time.  School  was  dismissed,  and  there  wasn't  a  lick  of 
work  done  in  Tuckersville  the  hul  day.  The  hul  talk 
was  4Sam  Patterson's  balloon;  Sam  Patterson's  bal- 


132  THE  PARSON  ON  BALLOONS. 

loon.'  1  didn't  have  to  pay  a  picayune  over  the  coun 
ter  for  drinks  for  more'n  three  weeks.  Parson  Jones 
preached  a  tellin'  sermon  about  the  balloon,  and  thar 
wasn't  standin'  room  in  the  church ;  they  had  to  keep 
the  windows  open  and  let  people  standin'  on  the  outside 
stick  their  heads  in  arid  listen.  He  likened  it  first  to 
youth,  when  it  was  a  rollin'  around  in  the  back  yard, 
whar  nobody  seed  it,  impatient  and  ambitious  to  rise. 
Then  like  unto  manhood,  when  it  was  up,  a  bustin'  and 
droppin'  down  agin.  Next  he  said  it  resembled  old 
age,  when  it  was  in  rags  a  floppin'  around  in  the  tree 
more  for  observation  than  use.  Thar  wasn't  hardly  a 
dry  eye  in  the  hul  meetin'  house.  Hard-hearted  old 
cusses  cried  like  teethin'  babies.  . 

"  The  balloon  hung  in  the  tree  all  summer,  and  every 
day  thar'd  be  a  crowd  of  people  starin'  at  it,  like  cats 
at  a  bird  cage.  A  phootographer  carne  the  hul  way 
from  Terre  Haute,  and  took  lots  of  views  of  the 
remains ;  and  one  of  Frank  Leslie's  special  artists  come 
rattlin'  down  from  Indianapolis,  and  sot  thar  on  a  stun 
wall  for  two  days  drawin'  sketches  of  it.  He  said  it 
was  the  most  spirited  subject  he  had  sot  eyes  on  since 
he  sketched  the  hoop-skirt  Jeff  Davis  was  captured  in. 
But  I'm  gettin'  thunderin'  dry.  Ain't  some  of  you  fel 
lers  agwine  to  call  on  the  stimilints  ? " 

As  his  eyes  were  fastened  on  me  when  he  asked  the 
question,  I  took  the  broad  hint,  and  told  the  bar-tender, 
to  prepare  the  poison. 


A  TRIP  TO  THE  MOUNTAINS. 


MARCH  2STH. 

I  HAVE  been  taking  a  flying  trip  over  the  Sierras 
about  which  the  poet  so  mellifluously  sings.  There 
were  many  beautiful  scenes  presented  to  view  during 
that  trip,  but  abler  pens  than  mine  have  described  them 
fully,  and. did  them  justice,  and  I  will  not  attempt  to 
set  forth  their  various  charms.  It  is  not  my  forte  any 
way,  and  I  am  free  to  confess  the  fact.  Enough  for  me 
to  describe  the  excellent  lunch  which  I  had  the  good 
fortune  to  have  along  with  me,  and  to  speak,  plainly,  I 
enjoyed  it  the  most  of  anything  I  saw  during  my  trip. 
It  was  no  ordinary  lunch,  however.  The  back-bone  of 
it  was  a  nicely  roasted  chicken,  which  reflected  great 
credit  upon  both  the  poulterer,  and  the  kind  hearted 
young  lady  who  volunteered  to  see  it  through  the  oven. 
Ah,  that  brisk  little  Mrs.  M —  can  prepare  a  dish  fit  to 
set  before  the  gods.  If  that  is  not  doing  the  lady  jus 
tice,  tell  me  what  more  can  be  said  and  I  will  pile  it 

higher.     She  is  worthy  of  it.     The  virtues  of  that  fowl 

133 


134  THE    RIGHT    THING   IN   THE   EIGHT    PLACE. 

live  in  my  memory  yet.  It  was  good.  If  you  could 
meet  an  old  lady  that  was  a  passenger  in  that  car — r-not 
the  one  with  the  bunion  on  her  left  foot  and  the  crockery 
teeth,  who  mistook  me  for  a  minister,  but  the  mild  old 
lady  with  glasses  that  sat  opposite  me — she  would  tell 
you  the  same.  She  knows.  Bless  her  old  heart !  If 
she  doesn't,  I  would  like  to  know  who  does.  She 
partook  of  the  fowl  I  saw  her  looking  wistfully  upon 
it  as  I  dismembered  it,  and,  though  I  say  it  myself,  I 
am  not  hoggish,  by  any  means,  so  I  offered  her  the  juicy 
neck.  Did  she  take  it?  Ask  rather  if  a  cat  that  had 
fasted  a  week,  would  take  a  mouse  if  she  got  between 
him  and  his  hole?  As  old  Shylock  said,  "Are  you 
answered  ?  "  She  Avas  no  novice  at  picking  the  neck  of 
.a  fowl,  either.  She  manipulated  it  in  a  manner  that 
proved  to  me  clearly  she  had  a  perfect  knowledge  of  its 
construction.  It  was  not  long — perhaps  ten  seconds — 
before  she  had  it  picked  as  bare  as  a  corkscrew.  She 
did  it  with  such  ease,  too  ;  and  that's  what  got  me.  She 
kept  it  revolving  as  rapidly  as  a  squirrel  does  the  cylin 
der  in  his  cage.  She  had  but  one  front  tooth  left  in  her 
Tipper  jaw.  The  intelligent  mind  will  no  doubt  imme 
diately  picture  forth  a  long  tooth  ;  and  the  intelligent 
mind  in  so  doing  portrays  the  incisor  correctly.  It  was 
indeed  a  long  tooth,  but  it  was  just  the  thing  she  needed 
for  the  business  before  her.  It  seemed  to  be  specially 
made  for  it,  as  it  fitted  into  every  depression  or  notch 
in  the  neck  as  nicely  as  a  key  into  a  lock.  It  ran  around 


GENEROSITY    REWARDED. 


135 


between,  the  vertebrae  like  a  turner's  chisel,  throwing 
the  small  particles  of  nutriment  far  back  against  the 
roof  of  her  month.  It  did  me  good  to  see  her  play 
around  that  fowl's  neck.  I  grew  young  again  while 


NKCK.    TO    NECK. 


beholding  the  busy  scene,  and  actually  regretted  that  a 
chicken  did  not  have  two  necks,  as  well  as  two  legs,  that 
I  might  repeat  the  generous  donation,  and  see  the 
pleasing  scene  enacted  again.  As  it  was,  I  won  golden 
opinions  from  the  old  lady. 

A  stout  German  lady  who  sat  near  by  also  seemed  to 


136  INDEPENDENCE   FOREVER. 

be  looking  upon  the  chicken,  as  though  she  would  like 
to  help  me  make  away  with  it.  "With  that  magnanimity 
which  was  ever  my  peculiar  characteristic,  I  severed  the 
pope's  nose  from  the  trunk  and  proffered  her  the 
delicious  morsel,  when,  to  my  utter  astonishment  and 
confusion,  she  whipped  out  of  her  pocket  a  big  bologna 
sausage  the  size  of  a  stuffed  club,  and  shook  it  tri 
umphantly  in  my  face,  so  close  that  it  might  have 
greased  the  end  of  my  nose.  She  actually  scouted  the 
idea.  Independent,  proud,  and  self-sustaining  these 
Germans,  and  no  mistake.  She  evidently  felt  insulted, 
and  delivered  herself  of  a  long  essay  in  the  German 
tongue.  She  was  undoubtedly  giving  me  to  understand 
that  she  was  able  to  furnish  grists  for  her  own  mill.  Of 
course  that  is  what  she  meant.  I  could  tell  that  by  the 
way  she  flourished  the  bologna,  and  pointed  to  her 
mouth  and  stomach.  I  expected  she  was  about  to 
whack  me  over  the  jaw  with  the  singular  looking 
weapon,  and  prepared  to  dodge  on  the  shortest  possible 
notice.  But  she  didn't.  As  if  to  madden  me  she  com 
menced  eating  the  sausage  in  a  hasty,  excited  manner, 
taking  about  two  inches  at  a  bite.  What  could  I  do  ? 
What  did  I  do  ?  Why,  let  her  eat  it,  of  course  ;  it  was 
none  of  my  business.  I  had  no  objection,  so  long'  as 
she  didn't  choke,  and  render  it  necessary  for  me  to  pat 
her  upon  the  back,  which  I  certainly  thought  I  would 
have  to  do  before  she  finished  her  meal. 

You  may  be  sure  I  offered  no  more  chicken  to  any 


EVERY    MAN   TO    HIS   TASTE.  ]  37 

person  after  that,  but  picked  the  bones  as  bare  as  pen 
holders.  If  she  liked  bologna  better  than  a  choice  piece 
of  fowl  it  was  her  fault,  not  mine.  I  washed  my  hands 
of  the  whole  affair. 

There  is  no  accounting  for  people's  taste.  I  have 
known  a  minister  of  the  Gospel,  for  example,  who  was 
not  only  highly  educated,  but  he  was  apparently  a  gen 
tleman  in  every  respect.  As  an  expounder  of  the  Holy 
"Writings,  he  stood  pre-eminent  among  his  fellow  labor 
ers  in  the  good  cause  to  which  he  devoted  his  life.  He 
would  stand  in  his  pulpit,  like  St.  Paul  on  Mars  Hill, 
and  electrify  his  hearers  with  plausible  arguments  and 
interpretations.  His  clarion  voice  filled  the  edifice 
from  central  nave  to  the  topmost  cove  with  the  richest 
melody.  His  congregation  would  sit  with  riveted  eyes 
and  wide  open  mouths,  eagerly  catching  at  the  words  as 
they  flowed  from  his  lips.  All  religious  denominations 
or  sects  joined  in  praising  his  virtues.  His  congrega 
tion  worshiped  him,  and  even  the  travelers  far  along 
upon  the  road  that  leads  not  in  the  right  direction, 
would  stand  still  and  reverently  listen  to  his  eloquent 
discourse.  And  yet,  after  service  was  over,  I  have 
known  that  man,  that  minister,  yea,  that  husband  and 
father,  to  mingle  with  his  interesting  family,  and  while 
the  solemn  strains  of  the  organ  were  lingering  in  his 
ears,  and  the  dust  of  the  pulpit  cushion  was  yet  upon 
his  sleeve,  to  sit  down  at  the  dinner  table  and  deliber 
ately,  and  in  the  face  of  heaven,  eat  tripe !  Ugh ! 


138  A   MODEL    STEAM  BATH. 

I  stopped  a  few  hours  at  a  mill  in  the  mountains,  and 
while  there  witnessed  an  amusing  incident.  There  was 
a  small  pipe  leading  from  the  engine,  and  projecting 
through  the  side  of  the  building  close  to  the  ground. 
Through  this  pipe  the  waste  water  was  conveyed  from 
the  engine,  and  at  the  end  of  it  quite  a  puddle  or  drain 
had  been  formed,  about  a  loot  in  width  and  eight  or  ten 
feet  in  length.  The  constant  dripping  from  the  pipe 
kept  the  water  warm,  and  from  it  a  steam  was  continu 
ally  rising.  There  were  several  Indian  camps  in  the 
vicinity  of  the  mill,  and  as  wood  was  rather  scarce,  the 
squaws  belonging  to  the  camps  were  in  the  habit  of  con 
gregating  around  this  warm  drain  when  the  cold  weather 
numbed  their  poorly  protected  limbs.  It  was  not  an 
unusual  thing  to  see  half  a  dozen  coming  down  the  hill 
to  squat  down  with  a  foot  on  each  side  of  the  drain, 
and  there  they  sat  for  hours  discussing  the  current 
topics  of  the  day,  enjoying  at  the  same  time  all  the  lux 
ury  of  a  cheap  steam  bath. 

There  were  a  couple  sitting  over  the  drain  in  this 
novel  manner  while  I  was  at  the  mill.  I  called  the 
engineer's  attention  to  the  capital  opportunity  that  lay 
before  him  to  give  them  a  surprise  that  would  be  fun  to 
behold.  This  he  could  do  by  simply  turning  a  guage 
cock  and  allowing  the  steam  to  go  out  with  a  rush 
underneath  the  squatting  pair.  The  engineer  was  a 
pious  man,  not  at  all  given  to  humor,  and  not  inclined 
to  take  advantage  of  the  opportunity.  But  when  I 


SURPRISED   NATIVES. 


139 


informed  him  that  I  was  keeping  an  "  Illustrated  Diary  " 
and  wanted  a  stirring  sketch  for  its  pages,  he  consented 
for  my  benefit.  As  he  went  to  comply  with  my  sug 
gestion,  I  moved  to  the  window  to  see  how  the  squaws 
would  receive  it.  I  had  hardly  reached  my  position 
when  I  saw  the  steam  shoot  along  the  surface  of  the 
water  like  smoke  from  the  muzzle  of  a  rifle.  At  the 


STEAM    LET    ONT. 


same  instant  the  gentle  savages  shot  at  least  four  feet 
into  the  air,  in  the  most  extravagant  positions  imagina- 


140  SOMETHING   BROKE   LOOSE. 

ble.  Until  that  moment  I  would  not  have  believed 
the  human  form  could  assume  such  strange  attitudes  on 
such  short  notice.  If  I  had  not  been  intently  gazing 
upon  the  pair  as  they  sat  chatting  sociably  over  the 
drain,  and  had  my  eyes  riveted  upon  them  as  they  shot 
aloft,  I  could  hardly  have  thought  the  two  dark  figures 
performing  such  grotesque  evolutions  in  mid 'air  were 
indeed  human  beings. 

The  steam  was  no  doubt  harmless,  as  it  had  to  go 
quite  a  distance  before  escaping  the  pipe,  but  the 
squaws  didn't  understand  anything  about  that,  you 
know.  No  person  had  enlightened  their  untutored 
minds  upon  that  point,  and  they  didn't  sit*  there  very 
long  in  order  to  ascertain ;  for  the  sake  of  the  squaws, 
however,  let  us  hope  that  it  was.  One  thing  they 
evidently  did  feel  certain  about,  and  that  was  that  some 
thing  had  broken  loose,  and  at  a  very  inopportune 
moment  for  them.  The  thought  that  followed  close 
upon  the  heels  .  of  the  other  was  to  change  their  posi 
tion  for  a  more  defensive  one  in  the  shortest  possible 
time.  If  they  both  had  been  shot  into  the  air  out  of 
one  mortar  they  could  hardly  have  shown  greater  con 
cert  of  action.  If  there  was  any  difference  in  their 
sensitiveness  or  agility,  the  one  farthest  from  the  pipe 
seemed  to  claim  the  superiority,  for,  as  near  as  I  could 
judge,  she  was  first  to  spring  aloft.  The  back  of  one 
was  towards  me,  and  the  face  of  the  other.  Though 
quite  a  distance  from  them,  I  could  distinguish  the 


HAJRD   TO    REPENT    OF.  141 

white  eyes  of  the  latter  standing  out  as  prominently  as 
a  pair  of  silver-headed  nails  in  the  end  of  a  mahogany 
coffin. 

It  may  be  argued  that  this  was  a  mean  trick.  It  may 
even  be  said  that  it  was  a  sinful  act.  1  admit  all  this; 
nay,  more,  it  may  be  that  I  will  have  to  answer  for  it 
hereafter,  when  you,  and  they,  and  all  of  us,  have  ceased 
to  be  interested  in  things  pertaining  to  the  flesh;  but  in 
the  face  of  this  supposition,  I  must  still  adhere  to  the 
original  assertion  that  it  was  indeed  an  amusing  inci 
dent.  I  will  go  further  and  say  that  as  yet  I  have  not 
been  brought  down  to  that  perfect  state  of  repentance 
where  I  could  sincerely  say  that  I  regretted  having  been 
the  instigator  of  the  deed. 

I  never  learned  whether  the  squaws  returned  to  sit 
over  the  drain  again,  but,  judging  from  the  way  they 
hustled  over  the  hill  in  the  direction  of  their  camp,  I 
am  inclined  to  think  not. 

While  coming  down  the  river  from  Sacramento  there 
was  quite  an  excitement  on  board,  on  account  of  the 
steamer  grounding  suddenly  upon  the  "  Hog's  Back." 
She  was  running  pretty  fast  at  the  time,  and  the  sud 
den  stop  threw  several  passengers  off  their  feet,  and  for 
a  few  moments  all  was  confusion.  I  was  partly  un 
dressed  at  the  time,  and  the  first  thought  that  entered 
my  mind  when  we  stopped  was  that  we  had  collided 
with  some  schooner  on  its  way  up  the  river.  Before 
leaving  Sacramento  a  gentleman  placed  a  lady  and  two 


142 


UPON   THE   HOG'S   BACK. 


small  children  in  my  charge,  and  my  first  action  was  to 
run  to  the  state-room  in  which  they  were.  I  found  the 
lady  undressing,  but  the  children  were  already  in  bed. 
Without  much  ceremony,  I  seized  a  child  in  each  hand, 
and  bidding  the  lady  to  follow,  started  to  deposit  them 
near  the  davits,  that  they  might  be  handy  to  throw  into 
the  boats  in  case  we  were  compelled  to  take  to  them. 

While  hastening  through  the  cabin  1  was  confronted 
by  a  stout  lady  in  her  night-clothes,  who  jumped  out  of 
her  state-room  as  I  was  passing  the  door.  In  her  hands 


"  BLOW    ME   UP  ! 


she  grasped  the  nozzle  of  a  large  life  preserver,  which  she 


NO    WIND   TO    SPAKE. 


143 


had  buckled  around  her,  and  which  only  needed  to  be 
inflated  with  wind  to  make  her  comparatively  safe.  Ko 
sooner  did  she  see  me  than  she  commenced  dancing 
frantically  around  me  in  the  most  comical  manner,  at 
the  same  time  shouting  with  the  strength  of  her  voice : 
"  Blow  me  up  !  blow  me  up !  for  the  love  of  heaven, 
Mister,  blow  me  up ! "  But  I  had  enough  to  do  at  that 
moment  without  stopping  to  "  blow  her  up."  Besides, 
I  didn't  know  but  I  might  have  to  swim  to  the  shore, 
and  would,  consequently,  need  what  little  wind  I  could 
muster  to  bear  me  through  the  task.  Before  proceed 
ing  far,  however,  I  met  the  mate,  who  told  me  to  put 
the  children  back  in  bed  and  go  soak  my  head,  or 
do  anything  that  would  keep  me  from  making  an 
unqualified  ass  of  myself,  with  which  kindly  suggestion 
I  meekly  complied. 


ALL  FOOLS'  DAY. 


APRIL  IST. 

THIS  is  "  all  fools'  day,"  and  judging  by  the  number 
of  people  who  are  passing  along  the  sidewalk  with 
strings  and  rags  dangling  from  their  coat  tails,  the 
custom  of  making  people  appear  ridiculous  is  not 
obsolete.  What  delight  the  youngsters  take  in  covering 
a  few  bricks  with  an  old  hat,  and  leaving  it  temptingly 
upon  the  sidewalk,  while  they  withdraw  into  some  nook 
to  watch  the  bait  and  halloo  at  the  person  who  is 
thoughtless  enough  to  kick  it. 

Though  the  custom  has  age  to  sanction  it,  I  am 
decidedly  opposed  to  making  people — either  on  the  first 
of  April  or  upon  any  other  day — appear  ridiculous  in 
their  own  eyes  as  well  as  in  the  eyes  of  every  person 


AN    APRIL    FOOL. 


145 


with  whom  they  come  in  contact.  People  will  make 
fools  of  themselves  often  enough,  without  the  assistance 
of  others.  I  wonder  why  men  are  not  more  upon  their 
guard  upon  this  day.  Just  now  I  saw  a  newspaper 
reporter  who  certainly  should  have  known  better,  kick 


SOLD. 


an  old  hat  from  his  way,  and  go  limping  to  the  office, 
cursing  everybody  in  general,  but  children  in  particular. 
Speaking  of  reporters  calls  to  mind  something  that  I 
have  often  thought.  1  believe  if  I  had  been  endowed 
with  more  cheek  and  less  scruples  about  over-stepping 
7 


14:6        MODESTY    AND    PRIDE   A   BARRIER    TO    SUCCESS. 

the  line  of  veracity,  I  long  before  this  would  have  made 
rny  mark  in  the  world  as  a  newspaper  scribbler. 

My  unconquerable  modesty  always  rose  up  like  a 
barrier  between  me  and  reportorial  fame.  It  would 
never  allow  me  to  dip  into  trivial,  baseless  rumors,  and 
magnify  them  into  scandalous  and  detailed  reports. 
My  pride,  too,  was  a  clog  that  blocked  the  wlieel  of 
progress.  I  could  never  throw  it  aside  long  enough  to 
intrude  myself  uninvited  at  select  gatherings,  or  creep 
and  crouch  under  a  window  sill  or  behind  a  door,  like  a 
base  eavesdropper,  to  hear  words  that  were  not  intended 
for  the  public  ear,  in  order  to  work  up  a  stirring  article. 
But  for  these  drawbacks,  I  cannot  help  thinking  I  would 
have  done  well  at  the  business,  because,  by  a  singular 
decree  of  fate,  I  am  generally  present  whenever  any 
strange  or  amusing  incident  transpires,  or  even  when 
scenes  of  a  serious  nature  furnish  work  for  the  pen,  and 
many  a  time,  too,  when  I  could  well  wish  myself 
suddenly  removed  far  enough  from  the  distressing  scene 
before  me. 

This  afternoon  a  terrible  assault  was  perpetrated  in 
the  back  yard  of  the  house  adjoining  the  one  in  which 
I  reside. 

There  is  no  use  talking,  I  will  have  to  get  up  and 
bundle  out  of  this  locality,  before  long.  It  is  becoming 
too  great  a  hot-bed  of  crime  for  me.  Its  poisonous  air 
would  tarnish  the  brightest  reputation  that  ever  shone 
upon  a  forehead. 


SUBJECT  FOR  A  SKETCH.  147 

With  my  usual  luck,  I  happened  to  witness  the 
affair.  Thus  far  I  have  kept  it  to  myself,  as  I  have  no 
desire  to  figure  in  a  court  of  justice  in  any  such  scrape. 
Some  people,  perhaps,  would  rush  forward  and  volunteer 
their  testimony,  but  I  am  not  of  that  turn  of  mind,  and 
calculate  to  keep  my  mouth  shut  until  it  is  pried  open 
by  a  legal  bar.  I  have  been  looking  over  the  evening 
papers,  but  they  make  no  mention  of  the  case,  so  per 
haps  the  authorities  are  keeping  the  matter  quiet,  fearing 
that  by  giving  it  publicity  they  would  defeat  the  ends 
of  justice. 

I  was  sitting  by  my  window  at  the  time,  reading 
Paradise  Lost,  and  little  dreaming,  dear  knows,  that  I 
was  about  to  witness  a  scene  that  might  well  infuse  a 
giant's  strength  into  the  feeblest  arm  that  ever  swung 
from  a  shoulder-blade.  My  attention  was  arrested  by 
cries  coming  up  from  the  yard,  and  on  looking  down 
I  saw  a  scoundrel  pursuing  his  victim  around  the  en 
closure  regardless  of  time,  place,  or  consequences. 

The  last  I  saw  of  the  pair  they  were  disappearing  in 
the  wood-shed,  whence  soon  afterwards  issued  smoth 
ered  cries,  showing  that  the  victim  was  at  the  mercy 
of  the  monster. 

Fortunately  my  drawing  material  was  near,  and  while 
the  scene  was  fresh  in  my  mind  I  hastily  produced  it 
on  paper. 

On  the  next  page  I  give  a  sketch  of  the  parties  as 
they  appeared  when  entering  the  wood-shed. 


148 


FINDING  A  HORSE  SHOE  IN  THE  WAY. 


APRIL  2o. 

UPON  this  day,  and  at  this  time,  while  the  fire  burn- 
eth  in  the  grate  and  the  warm  drink  steameth  in 
the  bowl,  I  speak  as  with  the  tongue  of  a  scribe  of  the 
olden  time,  and  this  is  the  burden  of  my  speech : 

A  certain  man,  a  citizen  of  this  place,  as  he  journeyed 
to  his  home,  that  looketh  toward  the  mountain  which  is 
called  Lone — and  at  the  base  of  which  the  dead  are 
entombed — found  an  horse-shoe  in  the  way.  And  he 
was  exceeding  pleased  because  of  his  luck,  insomuch 
that  he  rubbed  his  hands  together  joyfully,  and  said 
within  himself :  "  How  blessed  am  I  in  finding  this 
shoe  in  the  way.  This  bodeth  good  to  me  and  mine 
household,  because  it  pointeth  in  the  way  that  I  am 
going,  and  it  would  show  a  lack  of  understanding  in 
me  should  I  not  pick  it  up."  So  he  placed  it  carefully 
in  the  pouch  that  was  sewed  in  the  hind  part  of  his 
garment,  which  is  called  the  tail,  and  hastened  on  tow 
ards  his  home;  and  as  he  went  his  countenance  was 


150       THE  HOKSE  SHOE  UST  THE  PAELOK. 

bright  to  look  upon.  And  it  come  to  pass  when  he  had 
arrived  at  his  house,  and  was  entered  in  at  the  door,  he 
said  unto  himself — for  he  was  an  eccentric  man,  and  his 
ways  were  not  as  the  ways  of  sensible  people — •"  Now 
will  I  make  all  haste  and  fasten  this  shoe  above  my  par 
lor  door,  that  it  may  continually  bring  good  towards 
my  house,  for  my  grandmother  hath  often  said  there 
lyeth  a  charm  for  good  in  the  horse-shoe  that  is  picked 
up  by  the  way."  So  reaching  forth  his  hand,  he  took  a 
hammer  and  a  nail — such  a  nail  as  builders  use  when 
they  would  have  their  work  outlast  themselves — and 
stepping  upon  a  chair,  essayed  to  transfix  the  shoe  to 
the  casing  above  the  door. 

Now  it  came  to  pass  that  this  man  had  a  wife,  a 
woman  who  was  not  eccentric,  neither  had  she  patience 
to  spare  on  those  people  who  had  eccentric  ways ;  and 
as  she  was  at  work  in  the  kitchen — for  upon  the  whole 
sea-coast  there  was  not  found  a  more  industrious  or  tidy 
woman — she  heard  the  sound  of  the  hammer  proceed 
ing  from  the  room  which  was  her  pride ;  and  she  made 
haste  and  dropped  the  dough  that  she  was  kneading  for 
the  oven,  and  looking  out  into  the  apartment,  she 
beheld  her  husband  standing  upon  the  chair  attempting 
to  transfix  the  horse-shoe  above  the  door.  And  she  was 
exceeding  displeased  because  of  his  action,  and  of  his 
provoking  eccentricity,  and  she  remonstrated  with  him 
mildly,  saying: 

"  Souls  of  the  Innocents !  is  this  a  barn  ?  or  a  black- 


THE   WIFE    OBJECTS.  151 

smith's  shop  ?  or  are  ye  gone  stark,  staring  mad  ?  or  has 


THE   CHJLRM. 

old  age  benumbed  your  senses  as  well  as  your  flesh  ? 
that  thus  you  would  establish  the  unsightly  object  above 


152          THE  HUSBAND'S  UNDERSTANDING  UPSET. 

the  door,  to  be  a  jest  for  visitors  and  a  shame  unto  us  ? " 
But  the  good  man  of  the  house,  looking  down  reprov 
ingly  from  the  eminence  upon  which  he  was  builded  up 
— being  nettled  because  she  had  likened  him  to  a  man 
stark,  staring  mad — answered  the  woman  sharply,  after 
this  manner,  saying: 

"Go  delve  into  thy  dough,  old  woman!  Did  ye 
never  have  a  grandmother  ?  or  is  thy  memory  grown  as 
short  as  thy  wind  ?  Know  ye  not  I  fix  it  here  that 
it  may  bring  good  unto  our  house,  as  hath  been  said  of 
it  in  the  olden  time  ? "  So  he  left  off  speaking  with  his 
wife,  but  turned  him  about  and  once  more  essayed  to 
establish  the  shoe  above  the  door.  For  his  mind  was 
firm  on  that  point,  that  he  would  nail  it  there,  that  it 
might  bring  good  unto  his  house. 

Then  waxed  the  woman  exceedingly  wroth — for  she 
was  of  the  house  of  O'Donohue,  whose  temper  caused 
him  to  be  cast  into  prison,  because  he  srnote  the 
anointed  priest  within  the  chapel — and  bending  her 
body,  she  laid  hold  of  the  rounds  of  the  chair  upon 
which  her  husband  was  builded  up,  and  pulled  it  sud 
denly  from  beneath  him  while  he  did  reach  to  drive  the 
spike,  and  behold,  he  came  down  quickly,  and  lay  along 
the  floor  like  a  cedar  felled. 

And  it  came  to  pass,  as  the  woman  attempted  to  pass 
out  by  the  door  which  led  out  into  the  kitchen,  lo  1  a 
hammer  followed  after,  and  overtook  the  woman,  and 
lodged  upon  her  back,  even  between  the  two  shoulder 


A   8UBGEON   WANTED.  153 

blades,  and  caused  her  to  cry  out  with  a  marvellous  loud 
cry ;  but  turning  herself  around  while  yet  the  cry  was 
proceeding  from  her  mouth,  she  lifted  the  hammer  from 
the  floor  and  cast  it  from  her,  even  at  the  countenance 
of  her  rising  husband.  Kow  it  came  to  pass  when  the 
good  man  of  the  house  looked  upon  the  weapon  as  it  left 
the  hand  of  his  wife,  and  saw  that  it  was  drawing  nigh 
unto  his  head,  swift  as  a  javelin  hurled  from  a  Trojan's 
arm,  he  said  within  himself,  "  As  my  soul  liveth,  mine 
hour  is  come."  And  as  he  spoke  he  dived  to  the  floor, 
that  it  might  pass  over  and  work  him  no  harm.  But 
even  while  he  stooped,  the  weapon  caught  upon  his 
scalp  and  peeled  it  backward  to  the  very  nape. 

Then  went  the  woman  out  into  the  kitchen,  and 
when  her  husband  was  risen  from  the  floor,  he  ran  out 
into  the  streets  seeking  where  he  might  find  a  surgeon  ; 
and  as  he  ran  the  people  stood  and  looked  after,  and 
communed  one  with  another,  saying :  "  Surely  this  man 
hath  escaped  from  the  Modocs  !  "  But  he  was  sorely 
troubled  because  of  his  scalp,  so  he  heeded  not  the 
people,  neither  loitered  he  by  the  way  to  enlighten 
them  concerning  the  wound  ;  but  when  he  had  entered 
in  at  a  surgeon's  door  he  entreated  him.  to  make  all 
haste  and  bind  up  his  wounds,  that  he  might  become 
whole  again. 

And  when  the  surgeon  drew  nigh  and  looked  upon 
the  wound  he  was  exceedingly  astonished,  and  he  cried, 
"  Of  what  tribe  was  the  savage  that  hath  done  this  ?  " 


154 


A   SORE-HEADED   HUSBAND. 


But  the  injured  man  answered  him  sorrowfully,  say 
ing,  "  Nay,  but  my  wife  hath  done  this  thing !  "  and 
bowing  his  head  between  his  knees  he  wept  bitterly? 


REPAIRS   NEEDED. 


even  as  David  wept  when  he  learned  that  Absalom  had 
perished  in  the  boughs  of  the  great  oak.  And  when 
the  surgeon  had  poured  oil  upon  the  wound,  and  sewed 
it  together — even  as  a  housewife  seweth  the  rent  in  a 
garment — and  spread  plasters  upon  his  head  in  divers 


ORDER    FOR   ARREST.  155 

ways,  he  arose  and  journeyed  to  the  Halls  of  Justice, 
which  is  by  the  Plaza,  and  entered  a  complaint  against 
the  woman. 

And  it  came  to  pass  when  the  magistrates  and  the 
wise  men  of  the  place  heard  his  complaint,  they  looked 
upon  him  as  a  person  altogether  given  over  to  false 
hoods,  and  they  questioned  him,  saying ;  "  Give  us  a 
sign,  that  we  may  know  if  ye  indeed  speak  the  truth  in 
our  ears."  And  removing  the  bandage  from  his  head, 
with  which  the  surgeon  had  wrapped  it  round,  he 
answered  and  spake  unto  them,  saying :  "  Ye  ask 
fora  sign,  and  behold!  I  give  it  you!"  And  when 
they  drew  nigh  and  looked  upon  his  head  they  saw  that 
it  was  covered  over  with  plasters,  insomuch  that  it  re 
sembled  a  bolt  of  linen  fresh  from  the  loom,  and  they 
were  sore  displeased  because  of  the  assault.  So  they 
called  together  four  men,  the  chosen  officers  of  the 
force,  and  commanded  them  to  arrest  the  woman,  say 
ing,  "  Take  ye  the  woman  into  custody,  and  lodge  her  in 
prison,  that  on  the  morrow  we  may  sit  in  judgment 
over  her." 

So  these  four  officers,  named  Murry,  the  brave  ;  and 
Flynn,  styled  the  "  blinker,"  and  Curran,  and  Flaherty, 
— surnamed  the  "  beat " — armed  themselves  with  pistols, 
and  knives,  and  staves,  and  went  forth  to  arrest  the 
woman.  And  a  great  crowd  followed  after,  for  they 
said  among  themselves,  "  Surely  some  murder  hath  been 
done  ;  come,  let  us  see."  So  when  they  had  come  nigh 


156  THE   OFFICERS   OUTWITTED. 

to  the  house  they  laid  plans  how  they  might  surround 
it ;  and  this  was  the  manner  of  their  approach  towards 
the  house.  Murry  on  the  east  side,  and  Flynn,  styled 
the  "  blinker,"  on  the  west  side ;  and  Curran  on  the 
north  side ;  and  Flaherty,  surnamed  the  "  beat,"  on  the 
south  side.  So  they  did  compass  the  house  about  and 
enter  it ;  and  this  was  the  manner  of  their  entrance. 
One  by  the  front  door,  and  one  by  the  back  door,  and 
one  by  the  window  that  looked  out  at  the  west  side  of 
the  house,  and  one  by  the  window  that  looked  out  at 
the  east  side  of  the  house ;  and  they  did  converge  and 
meet  in  the  center.  And  they  found  the  hammer  and 
the  blood  thereon ;  and  the  horse-shoe  and  the  nail 
sticking  therein  ;  but  they  found  not  the  woman.  And 
they  searched  the  house,  beginning  at  the  cellar,  and 
ascending  even  up  to  the,  loft,  but  be  it  known  unto  you, 
the  woman  had  fled,  and  her  whereabouts  remaineth  a 
secret  to  this  very  day. 


AN  EVENING  WITH  SCIENTISTS. 


APRIL  4xH. 

THIS  evening  I  accepted  an  invitation  from  a  mem 
ber  of  the  Academy  of  Science  to  attend  a  regular 
meeting.  I  started  out  almost  under  protest,  think 
ing  it  would  prove  a  very  dry  entertainment.  It  had 
been  said  that  at  their  meetings  they  conversed  only 
about  fossils  or  stratas,  or  grew  warm  while  arguing 
some  point  about  the  Azoic  or  Silurian  age,  that  period 
before  which  even  the  Mastodon  or  Dinotherium  ran 
bellowing  across  the  flinty  earth.  I  was  agreeably  dis 
appointed,  however.  For  I  found  it  not  only  instruct 
ive,  but  amusing  to  others  than  scientists.  The  Presi 
dent  announced  to  the  Academy  that  a  feathered  mouse 
had  been  sent  by  an  unknown  friend  from  Stockton. 
A  vote  of  thanks  was  then  tendered  the  donor.  The 
feathered  mouse,  however,  proved  to  be  a  cruel  fraud,  for 
a  subsequent  examination  revealed  the  painful  fact  that 
the  feathers  were  stuck  to  the  skin  by  some  adhesive 
substance.  The  vote  of  thanks  was  then  rescinded,  and 


158  A    REMARKABLE    HOG. 

the  feathered  mouse  informally  introduced  to  the  office 
cat. 

A  communication  was  then  read  from  a  man  in 
Tulare  County.  He  informed  the  Academy  that  he 
had  in  his  possession  a  large  sow,  that  when  quite  a 
small  pig  had  been  severely  bitten  by  a  black  dog 
which  made  a  lasting  impression  upon  her.  In  after 
years  if  any  of  her  litter  were  black  she  singled  them 
out,  and  devoured  them  with  as  little  remorse  as  an  old 
woman  would  a  dish  of  stir-about.  The  sow  had  that 
day  died  from  the  effects  of  eating  a  tarantula,  and  he 
offered  to  donate  her  to  the  Academy,  providing  they 
would  bear  the  cost  of  transporting  her  to  San  Fran 
cisco.  By  a  unanimous  vote  the  communication  was 
laid  under  the  table. 

Quite  a  discussion  then  took  place  as  to  whether  pigs 
really  do  see  the  wind,  and  if  so,  why  ? 

A  member  then  presented  the  Academy  with  a  new 
species  of  snail,  or  slug,  which  he  found  in  Alameda, 
and  which  had  but  one  horn.  He  proposed  having  it 
called  a  "  unicorn  snail."  Quite  a  controversy  followed. 
Several  members  maintained  that  the  snail  imprudently 
left  its  horns  out  over  night,  and  one,  getting  nipped 
by  the  frost,  dropped  off.  This  proposition  angered  the 
generous  donor,  and  reaching  forth  a  hand  trembling 
with  emotion,  he  lifted  the  snail  from  the  palm  of  the 
admiring  President,  and  laid  it  down  gently  upon  the 
floor — as  a  mother  might  deposit  an  infant  in  the  era- 


SAD    FATE    OF    A    SNAIL. 


159 


die — and  while  the  whole  Academy  stood  spell-bound, 
before  a  tongue  could  be  loosened  from  the  roof  of  a 
mouth,  or  a  hand  stretched  to  save,  he  planted  the  sole 
of  a  number  eleven  boot  upon  the  crowning  back  ot  the 
little  gasteropod,  and  when  he  lifted  his  foot  again,  all 


THE   PRESIDENT    OF   THE   ACADEMY. 


that  was  visible  of  the  one-horned  snail  was  a  little 
grease  spot  upon  the  floor,  the  size  of  an  average  spit. 
This  inhuman  act  seemed  to  throw  a  gloom  over  the 
academy. 

No  further  business  appearing,  the  meeting  adjourned. 


CORA  LEE. 


Would  you  hear  the  story  told 
Of  the  controversy  bold, 
That  this  day  I  did  behold, 

In  a  court  of  low  degree, 
Where  his  Honor  sat  like  fate, 
To  decide  betwixt  the  state 
And  a  wanton  devil's-mate, 
Called  Cora  Lee  ? 

The  bold  chief  of  stars  was  near, 
As  a  witness  to  appear. 
(By  his  order,  Cora  dear 

Was  languishing  below.) 
And  for  counsel  she  had  got 
A  descendant  of  old  Wat — 
Noted  for  his  daring  plot, 

Some  years  ago. 


APRIL  IOTH. 


"AN   ANIMUS."  161 

It  was  he  commenced  the  fuss, 
"  For,"  said  he,  "  by  this  and  thus, 
Here  I  smell  an  animus* 

As  strong  as  skunk  of  yore; 
And  it's  my  condensed  belief, 
That  in  language  terse  and  brief, 
I  can  trace  it  to  the  chief, 

E'en  to  his  door." 

Then  to  all  it  did  appear 
That  the  chief  was  seized  with  fear ; 
To  the  lawyer  he  drew  near, 
And  to  him  muttered  low  : 
"  I  could  never  think  that  ye 
Would  be  quite  so  hard  with  me  ; 
You  had  better  let  me  be, 
And  travel  slow." 

Then  the  lawyer  quit  his  chair 
As  if  wasps  were  buzzing  there, 
And  with  quite  a  tragic  air, 

Addressed  his  Honor  thus — 
"  At  your  hands  I  claim  protection. 
Keep  your  eyes  in  this  direction, 
Take  cognizance  of  his  action, 

This  animus  !  " 

Then  arose  the  chief  of  stars, 
And  his  visage  shone  like  Mars, 
When  he  recks  not  battle  scars, 

But  charges  to  the  fray. 
And  his  hand  began  to  glide 
To  his  pocket  deep  and  wide, 
Where  a  weapon  well  supplied 

In  waiting  lay. 

'  Private  enmity  towards  the  prisoner. 


162 


THE   BELIGERANT   CHIEF. 

"  Ho ! "  he  cried,  "you  shyster  hound, 
If  you  go  on  nosing  round 


THE    CHIEF. 

Till  an  animics  you've  found, 
My  dear  sir,  hearken  you 

I  will  open,  by  my  soul ! 

In  your  carcass  such  a  hole, 

You  will  think  a  wagon  pole 
Has  run  you  through. 


COURT   ADJOURNED.  163 

"  You  would  prate  about  the  law  ? 

You  would  magnify  a  flaw? 

You  would  touch  me  on  the  raw  ? 

So  now,  sir,  say  no  more ! 
Keep  a  padlock  on  your  jaw, 
Not  a  sentence,  or  I'll  draw, 
And  I'll  scatter  you  like  straw 
Around  the  floor ! " 

Now  the  Judge's  face  grew  red 
As  a  turkey  gobbler's  head, 
When  a  scarlet  robe  is  spread 

On  the  grassy  lawn. 
"  I  adjourn  the  court,"  he  cried 
'Till  that  animus  has  died, 
And  upon  a  sningle  wide 

His  hide  is  drawn." 

Then  the  rush  was  for  the  door. 
From  the  corridors  they  pour, — 
Three  old  women  were  run  o'er 

Within  the  justice  hall ; 
And  above  the  tramp  and  patter, 
And  the  cursmg  and  the  chatter, 
And  the  awful  din  and  clatter, 

Rose  their  squall. 

When  the  open  air  was  gamed, 
Then  the  epithets  were  rained, 
And  the  passer's  ear  was  pained 

With  vulgarity  flung  loose. 
Back  and  forth  the  wordy  pair. 
Shameless  swapped  opinions  there ; 
Even  mothers  got  their  share 

Of  vile  abuse. 


164:  THE  LAWYER  RETOBTS. 

When  the  man  of  "briefs  "  would  flee, 
Chieftain  followed  like  a  bee, 
Or  a  shark  a  ship  at  sea 

When  hunger  presses  sore ; 
'Till  enraged,  the  lawyer,  he 
Cried,  "  If  fight  you  want  of  me, 
Wait  with  patience  minutes  three, 

Not  any  more ; 

"  'Till  I  hasten  up  the  stair 
To  my  office,  and  prepare, 
Like  yourself  for  rip  and  tear, 

And  piling  bodies  dead. 
Then,  if  you  can  blaze  it  faster, 
Carve  designs  for  probe  or  plaster, 
Quicker  work  a  soul's  disaster, 

Just  waltz  ahead." 

But  alas !  his  hasty  tongue, 
Vulgar  name  or  sentence  flung, 
And  the  chieftain's  pride  was  stung 

Down  to  the  marrow  bone. 
Novf  upon  him,  head  and  tail, 
Pitched  policemen,  tooth  and  nail, 
Hot  as  bees  when  they  assail 

A  lazy  drone. 

And  upon  the  evening  breeze 

Rose  the  "begorras  "  and  the  "yees" 

Of  a  dozen  Mulroonees, 

As  they  roughly  hale 
The  poor  lawyer  through  the  street, 
Sometimes  lifted  from  his  feet, 
Sometimes  o'er  the  noddle  beat, 

Toward  the  jail. 


BEHIND   THE    BARS. 

Xow  upon  a  truss  of  straw, 
Lies  the  counsellor-at-law, 
Wishing  Satan  had  his  paw 

On  wily  Cora  Lee. 
For  himself  to  grief  is  brought, 
While  the  animus  he  sought, 
Running  is  as  free  as  thought, 

Or  like  his  fee. 


165 


THE  COUNTRYMAN'S  TOOTH. 


APRIL  12TH. 

Last  evening,  while  sitting  in  a  physician's  office  at 
the  Mission,  I  was  amused  by  a  countryman,  who 
entered  the  office  to  have  a  tooth  extracted.  The  doc 
tor  took  one  of  the  old-fashioned  "cant  hooks"  and 
went  for  the  molar,  but  whether  it  was  owing  to  lack  of 
skill  or  the  patient's  ducking  while  the  instrument  was 
being  adjusted,  it  became  fixed  directly  between  two 
teeth,  and  after  a  painful  struggle,  out  they  both  were 
drawn.  The  operator  saw  he  had  taken  out  two  masti 
cators  instead  of  one,  and  before  the  patient  noticed 
the  fact  one  was  chucked  under  some  papers  lying 
upon  the  table  by  his  side. 

"  Jerusalem !  "  cried  the  countryman,  as  soon  as  he 
could  speak.  "I  thought  by  the  screwin'  and  crucifyiri' 
pain  you  had  hitched  the  infarnil  thingamagig  onto  my 
backbone  and  was  a  snakin'  it  out.  Why,  bless  my 
etarnil  soul ! "  he  continued,  as  he  ran  his  tongue  into 
the  awful  chasm.  "  Hain't  you  made  a  mistake,  Doc- 


167 

tor,  and  pulled  out  the  jaw  and  left  the  tooth  ?  Thar 
appears  to  be  a  ginneral  cavin'  in  all  around  thar." 

"  Oh,  no,"  said  the  doctor ;  "  there  is  the  tormentor, 
sir,"  and  he  held  up  the  one  tooth  before  the  contorted 
face  of  the  victim  in  triumph.  "  Your  teeth  pull  out 
easy,  sir,  for  their  size,"  he  continued,  as  he  wiped  his 
instruments  and  put  them  away. 

"  They  do,  eh  ?  he  exclaimed.  "  Wai,  the  Lord  help 
them  that  have  teeth  that  come  out  hard.  'Taint  all 
in  the  pullin'  nuther,  but  the  incredulous  hole  they 
leave  ahind  'em  when  they  do  come.  Why,  my  teeth 
seem  as  far  apart  as  two  Sundays  to  a  laborin'  man." 

"  The  other  teeth  will  crowd  over  after  a  while,"  said 
the  Doctor,  encouragingly. 

"  It  may  be  I'll  git  sort  of  used  to  it  after  a  while," 
he  replied,  "but  I'll  be  derned  if  it  doesn't  feel  as 
though  my  tongue  was  wabblin'  around  in  some  other 
person's  mouth  about  this  time;"  and  he  arose  from  the 
inquisitorial  chair,  paid  the  damages,  and  left  the  office. 


: 


AN  IMPATIENT  UNDERTAKER. 


APRIL  15TH. 
TT7E  now  and  then   come  across  a  scoundrel,  an 

J  f  inhuman  wretch,  of  such  magnitude  that  we  are 
inclined,  like  Bassanio,  to  waver  in  our  faith,  and  hold 
opinion  with  Pythagoras,  that  being  the  only  hypoth 
esis  by  which  we  are  enabled  to  account  for  their  being 
possessed  of  such  brutish  natures. 

An  undertaker  of  this  city  was  pointed  out  to  me 
to-day  who  follows  so  close  in  the  wake  of  death  that 
he  quite  often — when  in  danger  of  losing  the  chance  of 
making  a  few  dollars — crowds  in  advance  of  the  grim 
leveller,  and  secures,  if  possible,  the  job  of  burying  the 
body  while  yet  the  person  is  alive,  with  as  little  feeling 
as  he  would  bespeak  a  quarter  of  beef  of  his  neighbor 
before  the  animal  was  butchered.  It  appears  this  indi 
vidual  heard  that  a  man  was  about  to  die  in  the 
County  Hospital,  and  learning  that  the  only  friend  of 
the  sick  man  was  about  to  leave  the  city,  he  hunted 
him  up  and  solicited  the  job  of  performing  the  last  sad 
rites  for  his  friend  when  death  had  gathered  him  in. 


LOOKING    AFTER   BUSINESS.  169 

The  request  was  unthinkingly  granted,  and  suffi 
cient  money  to  cover  the  expenses  of  the  burial  was 
placed  in  the  hands  of  a  third  party,  who  was  to  pay  it 
to  the  undertaker  when  the  obsequies  were  performed. 
The  man  of  coffins  departed,  smiling  over  his  success. 
The  only  thing  that  remained  now  between  him  and  a 
fat  profit  was  the  man's  life ;  but  this  was  only  a  slim 
barrier  and  likely  to  fall  at  every  breath  of  air.  He 
paid  semi-daily  visits  to  the  hospital  to  learn  how  the 
disease  was  developing. 

Each  morning  as  he  arose  and  looked  out  upon  the 
cold  fog  hanging  over  the  city,  he  rubbed  his  hands 
together  with  delight  and  chuckled,  as  he  thought 
how  impossible  it  would  be  for  the  sick  man  to  live 
through  such  a  disagreeable  day.  "It's  not  in  the 
nature  of  the  disease  to  allow  it,"  he  argued.  "  If  he 
is  not  gone  already  he  will  be  as  stiff  as  a  piston  rod 
before  ten  o'clock,  or  I  am  no  judge  of  cause  and  effect." 

But  somehow  the  last  thread  of  life  was  indeed  a 
tough  one,  and  held  out  wonderfully.  One,  two,  and 
three  days  dragged  by,  and  still  the  invalid's  cough 
waked  the  echoes  of  the  corridors  and  halls  of  the  hos 
pital.  This  annoyed  the  anxious  undertaker  terribly. 

"  What  if  he  should  recover,  and  cheat  me  out  of  the 
money  after  all  ?"  thought  he,  as  he  sat  in  his  gloomy 
office,  and  gazed  about  upon  the  coffins  standing  on  their 
ends  around  the  room. 

Then  his  small  gray  eyes  lingered  longest  upon  the 
8 


170  ENEftOETIC    ACTION. 

cheap  burial  case  in  the  corner — which  he  thought 
would  about  fit  the  man  in  the  hospital.  "  There's  no 
use  of  this  delay,"  he  muttered  to  himself.  "  There 
must  be  some  outside  influence  brought  to  bear  upon 
him,  and  that  immediately,  or  the  fellow  may  linger  along 
through  the  whole  winter,  and  keep  the  money  lying  idle, 
that  is  now  almost  within  my  reach."  Taking  a  tape 
measure  in  his  pocket,  he  repaired  at  once  to  the  hos 
pital,  and  gained  admittance  to  the  sick  man's  room. 
The  poor  fellow  was  lying  in  the  last  stages  of  that 
deceptive  disease,  consumption.  But  instead  of  think 
ing  he  was  so  far  gone  that  his  obsequies  had  actually 
commenced,  he  was  promising  himself  long,  happy 
years  of  life  and  usefulness.  The  unfeeling  scoundrel 
approached  the  bed  and  deliberately  proceeded  to  meas 
ure  the  poor  fellow  for  his  last  outfit,  in  the  meantime 
keeping  up  a  sort  of  rattling  conversation,  like  the  fol 
lowing  : — "  Hello !  old  boy  ;  so  you're  going  to  peg  out, 
eh  ?  "Well,  it's  a  road  that  sooner  or  later  we've  all  got 
to  travel ;  so  there's  no  use  of  a  feller  making  any  bones 
over  it.  Eather  young,  though,  to  have  to  stiffen  out ; 
without  even  having  the  pleasure  of  being  married — 
there  won't  be  no  such  enjoyment  where  you're  going, 
the  Scripture  tells  us.  There — that's  a  good  fellow; 
stretch  out  full  length,  so  that  I  can  get  a  correct 
measure.  If  there  is  anything  I  do  dislike  it  is  to  see- 
a  corpse  stuck  into  a  coffin  that's  too  short  by  a  few 
inches.  I  would  rather  pinch  a  fellow  a  little  in  width 


GIVING    FULL    LENGTH. 


1Y1 


than  in  length,  'cause  it  doesn't  cripple  a  corpse  up  so 
bad.     There — that's  it  to  a  dot;  five  feet  nine  and  a 


BUSINESS   IS   BUSINESS. 


quarter,  with  half  inch  allowed  for  the  stretching  out 
of  the  joints  just  as  you  are  -going  off.  You  know  a 
fellow  elongates  a  little  about  that  time,  so  I  always 
make  some  allowance  when  I  measure  a  live  man  for 
his  coffin.  Now  for  the  depth,  my  hearty!  Jerusa 
lem  !  a  general  caving  in  all  along  the  line,  eh  ?  Why, 


172  LIBERALITY  DISPLAYED. 

you're  as  flat  as  a  griddle-cake.  Ah !  that  consumption  is 
the  thing  that  plays  hob  with  a  fellow !  it  is,  my  boy, 
there's  no  use  denying  it.  It  scoops  a  person  out 
mighty  quick,  I  can  tell  you.  Four  and  three-quar 
ters — four  and  a  half — pinch  measurement.  Why, 
blow  me  if  it  doesn't  seem  like  a  waste  of  material  to 
give  you  the  standard  depth.  If  it  wasn't  for  your  long 
feet  I  would  be  inclined  to  shallow  a  little  on  you,  old 
boy !  Let  me  think  now, — why  what  a  numb-skull  I 
am  to  be  sure :  I  can  twist  your  feet  crosswise  a  little 
and  make  a  go  of  it  like  a  charm  ;  but  hold  on, — no,  I 
can't  do  it  after  all,  for  there's  your  nose  sticking  up  at 
t'other  end,  and  it  wouldn't  hardly  be  doing  the  fair 
thing  by  you  to  twist  your  head  around  ear  up,  for  the 
sake  of  saving  a  few  inches  of  material,  no  sir  e-e.  I 
wouldn't  do  that  sort  of  thing  to  the  deadest  corpse  I 
ever  screwed  a  lid  over ;  I'll  do  the  fair  thing  by  a  man, 
be  he  dead  or  living,  though  it  should  keep  me  poor.  I 
can  give  you  the  juvenile  handles  though,  for  you  don't 
weigh  any  more  than  a  Cape  Ann  codfish.  You're  going 
off  the  reel  at  a  favorable  time,  too,  for  I've  been  wish 
ing  for  a  chance  to  give  my  light  team  an  airing,  for 
some  time.  Old  Skidamadink  over  on  Market  Street,  I 
hear,  is  going  to  take  out  a  stiff  one  to-morrow  after 
noon  also,  and  no  doubt  he  will  be  trying  to  forge  ahead 
of  me  the  way  he  did  yesterday  when  I  had  the- 
spavined  grays  along ;  but  he'll  find  out  that  he  has  got 
•  to  limber  up  a  little  differently  when  Moll  and  Kate  are 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS.  173 

stuck  in  his  flank.  He  wouldn't  have  shook  nie  off 
yesterday,  if  I  hadn't  that  soggy  old  sea  captain  aboard. 
He  seemed  to  grow  heavier  the  longer  I  kept  him.  If 
there  is  any  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another  it  is 
a  pussy  corpse.  It  is  bad  enough  to  have  a  fat  person 
around  you  while  living,  but  when  they  come  to  peter 
out  it's  worse, — you  can't  chuck  them  under  the  ground 
too  quick.  I  had  the  old  emblem  of  mortality  packed 
away  in  an  ice  chest  for  three  weeks,  waiting  for  his 
wife  to  come  down  from  Carson  to  attend  the  funeral, 
but  she  finally  sent  down  word  that  she  had  got  married 
again,  and  if  she  knew  the  duties  of  a  wife — and  she 
thought  she  did — her  place  was  alongside  of  a  living 
husband  rather  than  trapesing  after  a  dead  one.  Oh ! 
these  women  are  terribly  slippery  sweet-meats  the 
world  over.  How  fast  they  get  over  any  thing,  crying 
one  minute  and  singing  the  next.  Well,  well,  I  often 
wonder  whether  they  have  the  genuine  feeling  that  we 
men  have.  "Well,  business  is  business.  There — now  let 
me  fold  your  arms  across  until  I  get  the  width ;  so  we 
go,  so  we  go,  steady,  there  you  are,  that's  it,  that's  the 
posish  ;  natural  and  easy  as  death  itself.  Whew  1  there 
it  is  again,  never  knew  it  to  fail,  follows  as  naturally  as 
the  fruit  does  the  blossom ;  broad  across  the  shoulders, 
sure  sign  of  consumption ;  show  me  a  person  broader 
at  the  shoulders  than  at  the  hips  and  I  will  show  you  an 
individual  that  is  bound  to  spit  up  his  lungs ;  never 
knew  a  person  of  that  build  that  didn't  die  of  consump- 


174  SUCCESS   OF   THE   EXPEDIENT. 

tion;  never  sir,  bound  to  cave,  no  getting  around  or 
climbing  over  it ;  might  as  well  be  knocked  in  the  head 
at  birth,  for  they  are  sure  to  go  sometime. 

"  Well,  time  is  crowding,  I  must  be  off,  as  I've  got  to 
rustle  around  in  order  to  have  things  ready  for  you. 
I'll  expect  to  find  you  stiff  as  tongs  in  the  morn 
ing,  so  I'll  say  good-bye  now,  while  you  can  appreciate 
it." 

Thus  did  the  inhuman  scoundrel  rattle  along  while 
his  poor  victim  lay  paralyzed  with  fear ;  hope,  at  every 
word  uttered  by  the  monster,  deserting  his  breast,  and 
despair  usurping  the  vacant  seat. 

"With  gaping  mouth  and  wide  open  eyes  he  watched 
each  movement  of  the  undertaker.  His  face  seemed  to 
be  all  eyes  as  he  stared  at  the  bustling  trader  in  death, 
worse  than  you  now  stare  at  me,  while  I  relate  the 
blood-curdling  incident. 

The  object  of  the  visitor  was,  that  a  speedy  death 
would  follow  this  disconsolate  harangue ;  and  sure 
enough,  the  sick  man  rapidly  grew  worse,  and  died 
within  a  few  hours. 

But  whether  the  undertaker  allowed  Old  Skidama- 
dink  to  get  past  him  on  the  way  out  to  Lone  Moun 
tain  the  next  day,  I  did  not  learn,  but  presume  Moll 
and  Kate  yanked  the  poor  fellow's  remains  over  the 
road  rather  lively. 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 


APRIL  19TH. 

THE  editor  of  a  city  paper  having  occasion  to  take  a 
trip  into  the  country,  prevailed  upon  me  to  assume 
the  responsibility  of  answering  letters  from  correspond 
ents.  The  task  is  an  onerous  one — the  more  so  as  the 
editor,  with  that  cunning  ever  noticeable  in  a  person 
who  takes  the  cream  of  a  job,  left  me  to  reply  only  to 
the  knottiest  epistles.  But  I  will  sometime  get  even 
with  him,  however.  I  will  assume  the  editorial  "  we," 
and  should  I  waken  the  wrath  of  any  person  he  will  be 
the  sufferer.  Here  is  a  copy  of  my  answer  to  "  Katie :" 

"The  minister  was  perfectly  right  in  refusing  to 
marry  the  couple,  if,  as  you  say,  the  bride  insisted  upon 
holding  her  poodle  in  her  arms  during  the  ceremony. 
The  more  so  as  the  clergyman  was  near-sighted.  He 
might  possibly  mistake  the  puppy  for  the  bridegroom." 

Now  comes  a  wail  from  a  "  Young  Wife,"  whose 
feelings  have  been  hurt.  Dear  me,  dear  me  !  What  a 
peck  of  trouble  she  is  in,  to  be  sure.  I'll  talk  to  her 


176  CANNOT   SEE   IT. 

after  this  fashion  : — "  We  are  half  inclined  to  think  you 
have  not  made  a  clean  breast  of  it,  but  like  a  guilty 
client,  kept  back  something  in  order  to  show  yourself 
in  a  better  light.  If  you  were  doing  nothing  more  than 
sitting  upon  the  lounge — one  at  each  end  of  it — (a  fib, 
I'll  wager !)  chatting  about  the  Italian  Opera,  the  young 
gentleman  did  indeed  display  considerable  cowardice  by 
jumping  hatless  through  the  conservatory  window,  when 
he  saw  your  husband  entering  the  yard  on  his  way  from 
the  gunsmith's  with  his  shot-gun,  which  he  had  been 
getting  fixed  for  quail  season.  And  you  didn't  help  the 
matter  any  by  running  into  your  room  to  have  a  i  good 
cry '  over  the  unpleasant  position  in  which  it  placed  you. 
If  you  felt  like  shedding  tears  you  should  have  let  them 
ripple  in  your  husband's  presence,  as  he  would  very 
naturally  suspect  you  ran  into  the  room  to  arrange  your 
disturbed  toilet.  Put  it  in  the  best  light  you  can,  and 
there  still  remains  sufficient  shade  to  give  the  old  gentle 
man  something  to  think  about  for  time  to  come.  He 
will  hardly  go  quail  hunting  this  season.  We  wouldn't 
were  we  in  his  place. 

Another  person,  writing  from  Napa  City,  accuses  a 
correspondent  of  a  mis-statement.  He  says  it  was  the 
editor  of  the  California  Farmer,  and  not  the  editor  of 
the  Examiner ',  who  planted  the  package  of  No.  16 
homeopathic  pills  sent  him  from  the  country  by  a  wag, 
as  the  seeds  of  a  Sandwich  Island  cabbage. 

The  old  editor  for  weeks  regularly  watered  the  plot 


EVIDENTLY   LUNY.  177 

where  he  sowed  them ;  but  as  nothing  appeared,  wrote  to 
the  country  gentleman,  informing  him  that  his  seeds 
hadn't  sprouted,  and  he  thought  it  likely  they  might  have 
been  taken  from  a  dead  head. 

"  Amy"  is  all  in  a  fluster  about  spirits.  I  will  talk  to 
her  after  this  manner : 

"  We  have  always  considered  spiritualism  the  bluest 
carbuncle  that  ever  festered  upon  the  neck  of  society. 
We  care  not  if  the  spirits  were  rapping  around  our 
table  like  a  forty  stamp  mill,  we  would  eat  our  regular 
allowance  with  all  the  coolness  that  a  Celestial  manifests 
when  absorbing  his  bird  nest  soup.  If  your  bed 
dances  a  pas-seul  after  you  get  into  it  at  night,  there 
must  be  more  than  spirits  around ;  and  you  would  do 
well  to  throw  a  boot-jack  or  flat-iron  under  it  before 
retiring.  Such  a  proceeding  might  give  you  the  satisfac 
tion  of  hearing  the  spirits  yell  blue  murder. 

u  There  }s  not  much  danger  of  your  going  crazy,  because 
in  plain  terms  we  consider  you  to  be  luny  already.  The 
poor  devil  in  the  Stockton  Asylum,  who  imagines  Queen 
Victoria  has  made  a  private  residence  of  his  nose,  and 
has  blown  both  eyes  out  striving  to  eject  her,  is  hardly 
more  so." 

I  trust  the  editor  will  lose  some  hair  over  that  answer. 

On  second  thought,  I  remember  the  editor  has  none. 


JIM  DUDLEY'S  RACE  TO  GRAB  CORNERS. 


APKIL  24TH. 

OW  that  I  am  rid  of  my  wild-cat  mining  stock,  my 
aching  teeth,  and  inverted  toe-nails,  that  immeasur 
able  sponge,  "  Jim  Dudley,"  turns  up  again  with  his 
improbable  stories  and  plenteous  discharge  of  slang. 

Last  night  he  told  about  the  fast  team  he  once  sported 
in  Indiana,  and  I  wager  considerable  he  never  drove 
a  horse  in  his  life,  except  it  was  to  the  pound  that 
he  might  get  half  the  fine.  But  this  is  the  way  he  spun 
his  yarn :  • 

"  Did  the  boys  tell  you  about  the  span  1  used  to  drive 
down  at  Grab  Corners  ?  ~No  ?  wal,  that's  derned  queer. 
I  owned  an  almi'ty  fast  pair  while  I  was  stoppin'  thar. 

"  You  see  I  fust  had  a  wall-eyed  gelding,  and  used  to 
go  buzzin'  through  the  village  like  an  evil  report ;  and 
when  I  had  jest  enough  whiskey  aboard  to  make  me  feel 
a  leetle  reckless,  I  used  to  turn  the  corners  on  the  two 
inner  wheels  and  never  make  a  miss  of  it. 

"  My  ambition  was  to  own  a  span  though.     Arter  a 


179 

while  I  bought  a  young  mare  from  Deacon  Shovelridge. 
She  was  the  homliest  lookin'  critter  you  ever  sot  eyes 
on.  Her  tail  was  as  hairless  as  a  garter  snake.  She 
was  a  basin  raised  colt,  and  one  morniii'  she  was  standin' 
round  whar  the  boys  were  inakin'  soap,  and  while  backin' 
up  to  the  blaze  to  git  warm,  her  tail  caught  fire  and 
every  spear  of  hair  was  burned  off.  It  never  came  out 
agin  nuther. 

"  It  made  her  look  pooty  bad,  but  I  see  the  go  was  in 
her,  and  that  was  what  I  was  arter.  Durin'  fly  time  I 
used  to  help  her  out  of  her  troubles  a  leetle  by  f astenin' 
a  heavy  tassel  to  the  end  of  her  tail,  and  arter  some 
practice  she  could  fetch  a  fly  off  her  ribs,  or  fore  shoul 
der  e'enmost  every  pop. 

"  I  got  her  pooty  reasonable.  The  Deacon  said  he  was 
actewally  ashamed  to  go  out  with  her,  for  the  boys  were 
allers  a  hootin'  arter  him.  Besides  the  old  codger  seemed 
to  have  a  likin'  for  me,  and  allers  took  my  part  when 
others  were  runnin'  me  down.  I  never  exactly  under 
stood  how  it  was,  but  allers  allowed  it  was  because  he 
had  no  daughters.  The  mare  matched  the  gelding  fust 
rate.  Both  had  hides  like  rhinoceroses,  which  the  sweat 
could  never  get  through.  They  might  be  bilin'  hot 
inside,  but  they  never  showed  any  signs  of  it  outwardly. 

"  Arter  a  little  trainin'  they  pulled  together,  and  spat 
ted  it  out  as  even  as  the  wheels  of  a  ferry  boat.  I  used 
to  make  a  commotion  among  the  villagers  when  I  turned 
out,  for  I  could  pass  everythin'  around  the  Corners; 


180 


THE    PAIR. 


and  you  ought  to  have  seen  the  fellers  a  runnin'  out  to 
hold  their  hosses  by  the  head  when. they  see  me  comin', 
and  the  wiinmin  a  hollerin'  and  tuckin'  up  their  skirts 
and  scuddin'  arter  their  young  'uns  as  though  a  drove 
of  Mexican  cattle  were  a  comin'  across  the  bridge. 
"  One  day  an  old  sport  named  Abe  Drake,  a  sort  of 


ABE    DRAKE. 


spreeuV   old  bachelor,  come   over  thar  from   Illinois. 
He  afterwards  married  a  brokin  winded  old  concert 


181 

singer  that  used  to  be  squeakin'  around  there,  and  went 
to  live  in  Hulltown. 

"  People  suspicioned  they  weren't  married,  but  I  seed 
'em  soon  arter,  and  I  noticed  there  was  a  sort  of  cool 
ness  sprung  up  atwixt  'em,  and  then  I  allowed  they 
were  married  fast  enough.  Wai,  as  I  was  sayin',  he 
came  over  there  and  brought  a  spankin'  fine  team  along 
with  him. 

"  They  were  amazin'  nice  lookin'  critters  now  I  can  tell 
you ;  skins  smooth  and  shiny  as  seals,  and  tails  on  'ein 
that  actewally  trailed  in  the  dust  behind.  He  allers 
had  plenty  of  money  and  was  etarnally  takin'  the  gals 
around  to  one  place  or  another.  He  was  ginerally  con 
sidered  the  biggest  cat  on  the  wood  pile.  We  never 
came  in  contact  when  we  had  our  teams  out  until  one 
day  at  a  picnic  in  Gawley's  Wood. 

"  That  straw-headed  Kate  Kykert  was  thar.  She  was 
the  rollickin'  don't  care  gal  of  the  village,  one  of  these 
tree-climbin',  astride-ridin'  critters,  but  a  mi'ty  good 
gal  for  all  that,  and  handsome  as  a  new  fiddle.  She  was 
well  up  in  the  fine  arts,  but  she  could  realize  more  gen 
uine  enjoyment  chargin'  through  the  pastur'  astride  the 
old  mooly  cow,  than  she  could  by  trummin'  a  pianer. 

"  Wai,  there  wasn't  hardly  a  gal  in  the  village  that  Abe 
Drake  hadn't  bin  a  spurrm'  round,  and  he  had  sort  o' 
commenced  a  trampin'  on  his  wing  like  around  Kate 
Rykert  about  this  time. 

"  It  happened  1  had  a  sort  of  weakness  that  way  myself, 


182  KATE  KYKEKT'S  DECISION. 

and  I  didn't  like  his  maneuverin'  any  too  well  now  I  kin 
assure  you.      He  couldn't  make  much  out  of    Kate 


KATE    RYKERT. 


though.  She  liked  fast  horses  and  a  splurge,  but  she 
wasn't  one  of  those  gals  that  would  marry  an  empty 
pair  of  breeches  because  there  was  greenbacks  in  the 
pockets. 

"But,  as  I  was  remarkin',  that  day  while  the  picnic 
was  breakin'  up,  we  got  gassin'  and  talkin'  about  a  ball 
that  was  comin'  off  the  followin'  week  down  at  Crow 
Bend.  Abe  wanted  Kate  to  go  down  thar  with  him, 
but  she  had  partly  agreed  afore  that  to  go  long  er 
me ;  so  to  git  herself  out  of  it  and  me  in,  she  said  she 
would  go  with  the  one  who  could  take  her  the  fastest. 


ABE   CRITICISES    DUDLEY'S    TEAM.  183 

" '  That's  me,'  said  Abe,  straighten  in'  up  kind  of 
proudly,  and  givin'  his  pantaloons  a  hitch  up  at  the 
waistband.  *  I  can  let  you  count  the  panels  along  the 
turnpike  a  leetle  the  quickest  of  any  person  around 
these  quarters,'  and  he  looked  sideways  at  me  to  see 
how  I  took  the  assertion. 

"  '  It's  not  allers  the  hen  that  does  the  most  extensive 
advertizing  that  makes  the  largest  deposits,'  said  Tom 
Ruggles,  laughin'  as  he  sat  thar  packin'  away  his  dishes. 

"  '  No,  Tom,'  said  Gus  Parks,  the  millinery  man,  who 
didn't  like  Abe  any  too  well  because  he  sort  of  bustid 
an  engagement  between  him  and  the  schoolmarm,  '  and 
it's  not  allers  your  longest  tailed  quadrupeds  that  git 
over  the  ground  the  fastest  nuther.' 

"  i  Wai,  never  mind  boys,'  ses  I,  jest  easy  that  way, 
'  the  proof  of  the  whiskey  is  in  the  headache  arterwards. 
I  reckon  I  can  kill  as  many  grasshoppers  between  here 
and  Grab  Corners,  as  any  person  that  cracks  a  whip  in 
these  parts.' 

"  '  What !  with  them  thick  skinned  critters  of  yourn  ? ' 
said  Abe  p'intin'  his  fingers  at  my  hosses,  and  laughin' 
as  though  it  was  mi'ty  funny.  It  made  me  feel  pooty 
riley,  but  I  kept  my  temper. 

" '  Supposin'  they  hev  thick  skins,'  I  ses,  '  they're 
somethin'  like  the  cheese  that  goggle  eyed  Peter  bought 
from  the  pedlar,  their  peculiarity  doesn't  lie  in  the  thick 
ness  of  their  hide  so  much  as  in  the  derned  mysterious 
way  they  have  of  movin'  themselves  around.' 


184:  A   RACE   ARRANGED. 

"  '  S'pose  you  try  a  race  back  to  the  Corner  then,'  ses 
one  of  the  boys. 

" i  Yes,'  ses  Kate  Rykert,  clappin'  her  hands  and 
jumpin'  up.  < I'll  ride  back  to  the  Corner  with  one  of 
you  and  let  Tilley  Evans  go  with  the  other,  and  I'll  go 
to  the  ball  with  the  one  who  gets  to  the  village  first.' 

" '  Agreed,'  ses  Abe,  f and  you'll  ride  back  with  me  ? ' 

"  <  No,  I'm  heavier  than  Tilley,'  ses  Kate,  '  let  every  - 
thin'  be  even ;  toss  up  for  partners  back  to  the  Corner.' 

"  This  seemed  fair,  so  we  flipped,  and  I  won  Kate. 
She  weighed  ten  pounds  more  than  Tilley,  but  I  didn't 
care  for  that,  for  I  knowed  if  the  worst  come  to  the 
worst  she  was  none  of  your  jumpin'  out  kind ;  she  would 
stick  to  the  buggy  while  there  was  one  wheel  and  the 
seat  left,  and  that's  the  sort  of  a  gal  to  have  along 
with  a  feller  when  he's  tryin'  hoss  flesh. 

"  The  whole  picnic  gathered  around  us  when  we  were 
gettin'  our  teams  ready  and  war  speculatin'  on  the 
result.  Money  was  gwine  up  on  all  sides.  Parson 
Briarly  had  no  change  about  him,  but  he  bet  his  gold 
bowed  spectacles  against  old  Silverthorn's  meerschaum 
pipe,  that  I  would  git  to  the  Corner  fust. 

"<  Beat,  him  Jim,'  ses  Gus  Parks,  <  and  I'll  give  Kate 
the  best  bonnet  in  the  store.' 

"  '  And  I'll  give  her  the  highest-heeled  pair  of  boots 
that  I've  got  in  my  shop,'  said  Tom  Euggles,  the  boot 
and  shoe  dealer. 

" <  Then  Kate  is  a  bonnet  and  a  pair  of  boots  ahead, 


385 

for  sartain,'  says  I,  jumpin'  into  the  buggy  and  squarin' 
round  my  horses  for  the  road ;  and  with  that  we  started, 
hell-a-te-hub !  down  the  turnpike,  Abe  a  leetle  ahead, 
but  not  enough  to  make  much  difference  with  five  miles 
of  good  turnpike  ahead  of  us  without  let  or  hindrance. 

"  Pooty  soon  Kate  leaned  over  to  me,  and  ses  she, 
'  You  must  beat  him,  Jim,  for  between  you  and  me,  I 
would  ruther  go  to  the  ball  with  you,  than  with  Abe.' 

"  This  made  me  feel  mi'ty  good,  and  ses  I,  i  You 
mustn't  get  skeered  then  for  I  reckon  we'll  hev  to  take 
some  desperate  chances  to  git  thar  fust.' 

"  '  Let  me  alone  for  that,'  ses  she,  '  when  I  can't  ride 
as  fast  as  a  hoss  can  run,  then  I'll  stay  to  hum,  and  let 
dad  tote  me  around  in  the  wheelbarrow.' 

"  Just  then  we  came  up  with  him.  He  tried  to  shake 
us  off,  and  would  spurt  ahead,  but  I'd  crawl  up  on  him 
agin,  and  stick  thar,  lappin'  him  and  goin'  with  him 
stretch  for  stretch,  like  a  dog  when  he's  a  freezin'  to  a 
pig's  ear.  Away  went  Kate's  hat  a  flutterin'  over  but 
ter-cup  swale,  like  a  Bird  of  Paradise  over  the  gardin 
of  Eden. 

" i  That's  mi'ty  bad,  Kate,'  ses  I,  loookin'  over  my 
shoulder  at  it  sailin'  off. 

"  <  Let  it  go  hatchin','  ses  Kate  laughin'ly.  *  It's  only 
gettin'  out  of  the  way  of  the  new  bonnet.' 

"  I  thought  'twas  a  good  omen  myself,  but  didn't  say 
anythin',  for  jist  then  Abe  shot  a  leetle  ahead,  and  as  he 
was  gwine  off,  he  hollered  '  You  can't  do  it,  Jim.' 


186 


SLAUGHTER   OF    THE    INNOCENTS. 


"  <  I  kin,'  ses  1  determinedly. 

"  '  Your  hosses  are  ginnin'  out ;  they  hain't  got  the 
bottom  into  'em,'  he  shouted  jest  that  way. 

"  *  It  must  hev  dropped  out  last  night  then,'  ses  I,  and 
with  that  I  overhauled  him  agin.  Past  Brian  O'Laugh- 
lan's  door  yard  We  went  like  a  whirlwind  through  a 
flour  mill,  over  a  hen  and  three  suckin'  pigs.  The 


MRS.    O  LAUGHLAN. 


old  woman  was   standin'   thar  in   the  yard   with  her 
apron  full  of  chickens,  shakin'  her  fist  at  us  and  swearin' 


NECK  TO  NECK. 


187 


like  a  drunken  gypsey.  Her  long  tongue  slushin'  and 
dashin'  against  her  one  front  tooth  like  a  mop  ag'iust  a 
table  leg. 

"  I  could  have  laughed  myself  to  tears  only  I  had  to 
keep  my  eyes  clear,  for  the  road  was  so  narrow  in  some 
places  that  when  we  were  abreast  there  wasn't  any 
ground  to  spare. 

"  We  were  now  passin'  the  half-way  spring  and  the 


JUST    AS   IT   WAS. 


race  was  fully  as  undecided  as  when  we  broke  away 
from  the  hootin'  crowd  on  the  picnic  grounds. 

44  Down  past  old  Deacon  Shovelridge's  ten-acre  hop- 
yard  we  went  rack-a-te-bang !  hub  end  against  hub  end, 


188  EXCITEMENT    OF    SHOVELRIDGE. 

and  the  outer  wheels  a  spokin'  it  within  six  inches  of  a 
four-foot  ditch. 

"  The  ride  to  the  Corners  began  to  look  like  the  ride 
to  etarnity,  and  Tilley  was  pale  as  a  gray  nun's  ghost, 
and  continewally  making  narvous  reaches  for  the  lines. 

"  But  Kate  was  equal  to  the  surroundin's.  Thar  she 
sot,  with  one  arm  around  me  and  'tother  graspin'  the 
seat  rail,  and  above  the  clatter  of  hoofs  and  steel  axles, 
I  could  hear  her  repeatin' : 

"  '  Stick  to  him,  Jim,  like  a  weanin'  young  'un  to  its 
thumb,  and  start  my  stitches  1  if  he  doesn't  git  his  crop 
full  of  dust  yet.' 

"  Old  Shovelridge  was  in  the  field  on  a  load  of  hay  as 
we  were  passin'.  He  was  inclined  to  piety,  and  if  the 
world  had  no  hosses  or  wimmin  in  it  I  reckon  he'd  have 
bin  as  pious  as  a  Church  orgin.  But  he  had  a  sort  of 
an  ungodly  weakness  to'ards  wimmin,  and  hoss  flesh. 

"  And  when  he  saw  us  a  raspin'  down  the  turnpike 
as  though  we  were  ridin'  in  a  four  hoss  chariot,  and 
saw  Kate  Rykert's  great  swad  of  blonde  ha'r  a  streamin' 
out  behind  like  the  tail  of  a  comet,  he  couldn't  contain 
his  feelin's  no  how. 

"He  gin  a  rousin'  whoop  like  a  Chilchat  Indian, 
when  he  sights  a  fur  hunter.  Thro  win'  away  the 
pitchfork, — which  accidentl'y  harpooned  the  old  lady  in 
the  back  who  was  rakin'  behind — and  jumpin'  from 
the  load,  he  took  across  the  field  to'ards  the  turnpike, 
.swingin'  his  old  straw  hat  and  hollerin' : 


CHILDREN  OP  NO  ACCOUNT.  189 

" '  Go  it,  Dudley ;  go  it,  you  red-headed  son  of  a  sea- 
cook.  Keep  the  wall-eyed  gelding  up  with  the  rat-tail 
mare,  and  I'll  bet  my  farm  ag'inst  a  last  year's  chance 
you'll  make  Grab  Corner  fust ! ' 

"  This  made  me  feel  pooty  good,  for  the  mare  was 
the  one  I  had  some  fears  about. 

"But  you  ought  to  see  how  it  affected  Abe;  he 
commenced  to  slash  his  bosses  and  swar  like  an  ox  team 
ster  when  his  cart  is  stuck  hub  deep  in  the  mud. 

"  Finally  the  off  horse  broke,  and  there  was  a  sort  of 
irregular  upheaval  among  'em  for  a  while  as  though 
they  war  steppin'  on  broken  cakes  of  ice ;  one  would  be 
gwine  down  while  'tother  was  a  comin'  up. 

"  Abe  tried  to  bring  'em  down  to  their  work  agin, 
and  in  the  mean  time  I  kind  of  cork-screwed  ahead  and 
swung  into  the  center  of  the  road  in  advance  of  him. 
Then  I  began  to  feel  somethin'  like  a  feller  what  holds 
the  winnin'  cards,  and  sees  the  other  bluffers  a  pilin' 
up  the  coin  on  their  inferior  paste  boards.  But  I  see 
some  young  half-breeds  a  squattin'  around  on  the  road 
about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  ahead,  and  knowed  at  the 
rate  we  war  travellin'  we'd  be  on  top  of  'em  before 
they'd  see  us  if  I  didn't  haul  up. 

"  So  I  ses  to  Kate,  ( See  them  plag'y  brats  ahead  of 
us  thar !  what  hed  we  better  do  about  it  ? ' 

" c  Run  over  the  derned  centipedes,'  ses  she,  '  thar's 
more  whar  they  came  from.  Abe  ain't  a  gwine  to 
slack  up  for'  em,'  and  she  cuddled  closer  to  me  so  the 
jolt  wouldn't  hist  her  out. 


190  THE    WHOLE    VILLAGE    TUBN    OUT. 

"  I  shouted  two  or  three  times,  but  they  were  too  busy 
with  their  mud  pies  to  take  any  notice,  and  Abe  was 
makin'  no  signs  of  haulin'  up.  So  I  ses,  'over  it  is 
then,  and  as  the  judge  says,  "  May  the  Lord  hev  mercy 
on  thar  souls," '  and  with  that  over  'em  we  went  hop-a-te- 
jolt  like  a  cart  over  a  corduroy  road,  and  kept  right  on 
for  the  Corner,  as  though  the  very  devil  himself  was 
pokin'  us  on  end. 

"  I  heered  'em  scream  as  we  slashed  on,  but  reckon  it 
was  more  through  fright  than  injury,  for  we  got  over 
'em  so  almi'ty  fast  they  couldn't  hev  bin  hurt  much. 

"  Abe  had  lost  his  grippin's.  He  couldn't  overhaul 
me  ag'in  no  how,  and  I  gradually  crawled  away  from 
him,  if  he  did  his  derndest. 

"  The  whole  village  seemed  to  be  out  to  the  bridge  to 
see  what  was  comin'. 

"  They  see  the  dust  risin'  when  we  were  three  mile 
away,  and  they  allowed  the  derndest  run-away  was  a 
comin'  down  the  turnpike  that  had  happened  since 
Bull  Run,  and  were  out  thar  speculatin'  as  to  whose 
family  was  in  danger. 

"  But  when  they  see  it  was  a  race,  and  recognized  me, 
you  ought  to  see  the  scatterin'  amongst  'em.  You'd 
think  a  hul  menagery  had  broken  loose  and  was 
comin'  for  'em. 

"  Pock-pitted  Pelvy,  the  botchy  shoemaker,  was 
settin'  on  the  railin'  of  the  bridge ;  but  jest  as  I  crossed 
it,  the  crowd  hooray  ed,  and  jostled  him  off.  He  hung 


A   TRAGEDY. 


191 


over  the  railin'  by  one  leg  with  his  body  swayin'  below, 
and  him  a  hollerin'  like  a  good  feller,  and  signalin'  for 


CURING    PEOPLES    CORNS. 


help,  but  the  crowd  were  so  taken  up  with  the  race, 
and  were  cheerin'  and  swingin'  of  their  hats  continewally 


FIRST   IN. 


that  they  never  knowed  anythin'  about   his   position. 

"  Pooty  soon  his  leg  slipped  over,  and  then  he  went 
end  over  end  more'n  twenty-five  feet  into  the  river,  and 
was  carried  over  the  falls  before  anybody  missed  him. 
Arter  that  people  wern't  troubled  so  much  with  corns 
around  Grab  Corner,  for  though  he's  dead  now,  I'll  say 
it  of  him,  he  was  the  wust  shoemaker  that  ever  shoved  an 
awl  into  a  hide. 

"  I  druv  up  to  the  hotel,  and  had  jest  got  through 
helpin'  Kate  out,  when  up  come  Abe,  with  his  hosses 
hobblin'  as  if  they  had  picked  up  a  twenty-penny  nail  in 
every  hoof. 

"  They  looked  somewhat  as  if  they  had  bin  swimmin' 
in  a  soap  vat. 

"  Abe  was  very  much  of  a  man,  though,  arter  all.  His 
hosses  I  reckon  had  never  bin  passed  before,  but  he 
didn't  bluster  or  git  mad  about  it  neither,  though  it 
must  have  bin  pooty  tryin'  to  him. 

"  i  By  the  Witch  of  Ender's  long  eye  tooth,'  he  cried 
as  he  jumped  from  the  buggy,  c  you  did  it,  Jim  ;  and 
you  did  it  fair.  Only  I  kinder  think  you  swung  in 
ahead  of  me  a  leetle  too  quick,  back  thar  where  that 
derned  old  whipper-in  hollered  so.' 

"  '  No,  Abe,'  ses  I,  '  I  didn't  take  an  inch  of  turnpike 
until  I  was  entitled  to  it.' 

"  '  "Wai,'   ses   he,   as   he  came  round  to  look  at  my  ' 
animals  that  were  standin'  thar  seemingly  as  cool  as  a 


KATE   GETS    HER   BONNET. 


193 


brace  of  toads  in  a  cellar,  Til  be  etarnally  cussed  if 
them  bosses  of  yourn  ain't  soinethin'  like  the  widder 
Tappan's  boarders.  Tbe  speed  they  show  in  gettin' 
away  with  any  thin'  surprises  me  less  than  the  sort  of 
false  bottom  that  the  derned  critters  seem  to  have  in  'em.' 
"  So  Kate  Rykert  got  the  bonnet  and  boots,  and  I  gin 
her  a  new  dress  to  go  with  them,  and  if  we  didn't  come 
out  some  the  next  week  down  to  Crow  Bend,  then  thar 
ain't  no  use  talkin'  about  it,  that's  all." 


9 


A  TERRIBLE  NOSE. 


MAY  IST. 

WHILE  in  San  Jose  to-day,  I  was  brought  in  con 
tact  with  an  old  gentleman  named  Bickerstaff, 
who  keeps  a  crockery  store  in  the  village.  This  Bicker- 
staff  is  the  unfortunate  possessor  of  the  queerest  looking 
nose  I  have  yet  encountered. 

It  was  not  the  original  intention  of  Providence  that 
he  should  follow  such  a  proboscis  through  life,  for 
there  was  a  time  when  he,  like  other  men,  had  a  fore 
runner  ornamental  as  well  as  useful.  But  through  an 
accident,  the  nose  he  now  bears  in  all  its  deformity  was 
afterwards  shoved  upon  him. 

It  seems  one  day  while  furiously  pursuing  a  little 
urchin  who  had  mischievously  put  a  stone  through  a 
glass  jar  by  the  door,  he  ran  his  face  against  the  end  of 
a  scantling  a  boy  was  carrying  past  on  his  shoulder 
and  set  his  nose  well  up  on  his  forehead  in  a  triangular 
lump. 

Strange  to  say,  no  inducements  that  the  doctor  could 


WIFE    SUES   FOR   A   DIVORCE. 


195 


hold  out  served  to  coax  it  back  to  its  former  position. 
His  wife,  who  was  young,  and  rather  prepossessing  in 
appearance,  worried  terribly  about  it.  She  finally  left 


BUSTING    HIS   BUGLE. 


him,  and  went  over  to  Poison  Oak  Valley,  to  live  with 
her  mother,  and  immediately  set  about  obtaining  a 
divorce  from  him. 

She  would,  in  all  probability,  have  obtained  it,  if  she 
had  not  died  before  the  case  was  properly  laid  before 
the  commissioners ;  because  she  was  capable  of  doing 
better,  and  when  you  come  to  see  the  nose  with  which 
she  wished  to  sever  her  connections,  you  could  hardly 
blame  her. 

Old  Bickerstaff,  to  tell  the  honest  truth,  did  look  like 
the  very  devil  in  masquerade  costume. 


196  TOO   MUCH   FOE   THE   DOGS. 

His  nose,  as  it  reposed  between  his  eyebrows,  dis 
played  an  enormous  pair  of  nostrils  large  as  front  door 
key  holes.  At  a  short  distance,  a  person  would  think 
he  had  four  eyes  in  his  head. 

He  was  the  living  terror  of  the  school  children,  who 
daily  passed  his  place  of  business.  They  either  scurried 
past  on  the  run,  or  with  their  hands  over  their  eyes. 

Even  amongst  creeping  infants, — who  had  often 
shrunk  back  from  the  threshold  as  old  Bickerstaif 
passed  the  door, — he  was  known  as  the  Boo ;  and 
there  was  no  danger  of  them  crawling  into  the  street 
while  he  remained  in  the  vicinity. 

Panicky  women  also  avoided  him. 

They  would  cut  across  the  road  when  they  saw  him 
coming  towards  them,  or  turn  back,  feeling  their  pockets 
as  though  they  had  forgotten  something,  and  hurry 
back  to  go  round  some  other  way. 

Dogs  never  barked  at  him.  If  they  happened  to  be 
engaged  in  that  pastime  when  he  hove  in  sight,  they 
would  slope  off  the  demonstration  into  a  yelp.  And  as 
if  they  had  suddenly  recollected  that  they  were  wanted 
at  home  about  that  time,  they  tucked  their  tails  between 
their  legs  and  dusted  away  from  the  locality  at  a  lively 
rate. 

Hitched  horses  snorted  lustily,  and  pulled  hard  upon 
their  halters  when  old  BickerstafT  shuffled  by. 

The  old  gentleman  had  a  pew  in  the  church  directly 


DEMORALIZES   THE   MINISTER.  197 

in  front  of  the  pulpit,  and  the  first  time  he  attended 
divine  worship  after  his  nose  had  been  set  up,  he  threw 
the  minister  out  of  his  discourse  altogether.  He 
couldn't  keep  run  of  what  he  wanted  to  say  no  way  he 
could  fix  it.  He  had  Jonah  swallowing  the  whale 
instead  of  the  whale  doing  the  job  for  Jonah. 

No  matter  how  much  he  endeavored  to  keep  his  eyes 
in  some  other  direction,  they  would  invariably  wander 
back  to  rest  upon  that  terrible  sight,  and  then  he  would 
be  off  the  track  again  in  a  twinkling. 

The  next  day  the  trustees  of  the  church  waited  on 
Bickerstaff,  and  in  the  most  polite  manner  possible, 
requested  him  to  exchange  his  pew  for  one  farther 
removed  from  the  pulpit. 

The  old  fellow — who,  by  the  way,  had  considerable 
temper — flew  off  the  handle  at  once,  and  in  the  most 
unchristian-like  language  damned  the  church  and  the 
doctrine  that  would  draw  the  line  of  demarkation 
between  fair  faces  and  plain. 

He  informed  the  trustees  if  the  parson  didn't  like 
the  looks  of  his  congregation,  he  could  turn  his  pulpit 
around  facing  the  other  way.  Yet,  though  he  was 
rough  in  his  speech,  and  given  to  storming  considerably 
when  his  pride  was  touched,  he  was  not  altogether  lack 
ing  in  those  qualities  which  go  far  to  make  up  your 
real  man ;  and  when  the  trustees  offered  to  give  him  the 
side  pew  rent  free,  his  voice  at  once  grew  low,  and  in  a 


198  "  A  MAN'S  A  MAN  FOR  A'  THAT." 

becoming  manner  he  accepted  the  situation.  After 
that,  things  were  not  quite  as  bad.  The  minister 
occasionally  got  a  quartering  view  of  him,  but  the  odd 
looking  disfigurement  didn't  strike  him  with  full  force. 
Still,  I  was  informed,  the  Eeverend  gentleman's  dis 
course  was  principally  addressed  to  the  hearers  on  the 
other  side  of  the  church,  thereafter. 

But — to  his  credit  be  it  mentioned— he  always  turned 
in  the  direction  of  old  Bickerstaff  when  he  closed  his 
eyes  in  prayer. 


SPORTIVE  WINDS. 


0,  winds  of  May !     0,  winds  of  May ! 
Fie  on  the  antics  that  ye  play  1 
The  aged  matron's  step  ye  urge 
To  hurried  mirth-provoking  splurge. 
Ye  hurl  her  garments  in  the  air, 
And  leave  her  poor  old  ankles  bare. 
The  kiting  dame  but  little  knew 


MAT  3o. 


200  AN   EXPOSED   SITUATION. 

This  morning,  when  her  hose  she  drevr, 
That  half  the  town  would  criticise 
Her  patent,  new  elastic  ties. 
Not  less  the  plump  and  buxom  misa 
Doth  caper  in  these  winds,  I  wis : 
In  vain  'she  whirls  around  and  tries 
To  hide  her  charms  from  prying  eyes. 


THE   MERRY   MONTH    OF   MAY. 

All  sudden  comes  the  fearful  gust, 
And  fills  her  eyes  and  mouth  with  dust ; 
And  while  confusion  rules  her  quite, 
Up  goes  the  fluted  muslin  white, 
And  shapely  limbs  are  brought  in  sight. 


A  MASKED  BATTERY. 


MAY  STH. 

I  LEARN  by  an  evening  paper,  that  an  old  lady  on 
the  Potrero  to-day,  while  burning  some  cast-off  gar 
ments,  threw  an  old  vest  belonging  to  her  son-in-law 
into  the  fire-place.  A  Remington  rifle  cartridge 
happened  to  be  slumbering  in  one  of  the  pockets.  It 
awakened,  and  thereby  hangs  a  piece  of  crape. 

This  draws  me  on  to  fasten  upon  paper  an  incident 
that  happened  in  the  mountains  some  years  ago.  I  was 
spending  a  few  days  in  the  mines  at  the  time,  with  a 
friend  named  Colyer,  who  was  working  a  claim  back  of 
Sonora. 

He  had  three  partners  in  the  concern.  One  was  an 
old  fellow  named  Twitchell,  who  at  some  time  in  his 
life  had  been  a  judge  in  a  supreme  court  in  one  of  the 
South-western  States — I  forget  which.  At  all  events, 
they  called  him  "  Judge,"  and  he  bore  the  title  with 
becoming  dignity. 

Another  was  a  dark  looking,  one-eyed  Swede,  who 


202 


THE  PAETISTEES. 


wore  a  large  green  patch  over  the  empty  socket.  This 
seemed  to  add  a  double  brilliancy  and  fire  to  the  other 
optic,  and  gave  to  him  rather  a  ferocious  appearance. 
He  would  have  passed  any  where  for  a  buccaneer  of  at 


THE   ONE-EYED   SWEDE. 


least  fifteen  years'  cruising.  Yet  he  was  quite  a  mild 
and  peaceable  man,  for  all  his  demoniacal  aspect.  The 
third  was  a  Yermonter,  named  Theodore  Arthur  "Wil- 
loughby  Spooner,  called  Spoon,  for  short.  They  occu 
pied  a  small  log  cabin  near  their  claim,  and  were  like 
miners  generally,  hopeful,  if  not  happy. 

One  evening  Theodore  Arthur  "Willoughby  Spooner 
was  rummaging  over  some  old  articles  left  in  the  cabin  by 
a  former  occupant.  Among  them  he  found  an  odd- 
looking  pistol  which  the  rust  of  years  had  rendered 


A   WHOLE   BATTERY.  203 

worthless.  The  weapon  was  an  uncommon  one.  I 
never  saw  anything  like  it  before  or  since,  and  it  is  my 
daily  prayer  that  I  never  may. 

It  was  a  ten  shooter ;  with  nine  chambers  for  bullets, 
and  a  tenth  and  larger  barrel  for  throwing  buck-shot, 
slugs,  walnuts,  small  onions,  or  potatoes.  In  fact  it  was 
capable  of  receiving  almost  anything  not  exceeding  a 
billiard  ball  in  size. 

Such  an  awe-inspiring  shooting  iron  would  be  invalu 
able  to  a  foot-pad,  or  road  agent.  It  was  particularly 
suited  for  men  of  this  stripe ;  for  the  man  who  would 
not  blanch,  settle  down  on  his  knees  and  surrender  up 
his  valuables  when  that  battery  was  leveled  at  his  head, 
must  be  brave  indeed. 

After  we  had  examined  it  for  some  time  and  vainly 
endeavored  to  raise  the  hammer,  the  one  eyed  Swede 
took  it.  In  trying  to  revolve  the  chambers  he  dropped 
it  unswervingly  upon  Judge  TwitchelPs  favorite  corn. 
It  weighed  about  as  much  as  a  good  sized  anvil,  and  no 
person  who  had  experienced  the  peculiar  sensation  that 
shoots  along  the  nerves  from  an  injured  corn,  could 
blame  the  Judge  for  indulging  in  a  little  profanity 
about  that  time. 

Smarting  under  the  contusion  he  grabbed  the  instru 
ment  and  in  an  erring  moment  flung  it  into  the  fire. 

Not  a  man  of  that  little  assemblage  but  would  have 
given  his  day's  pan-out  to  have  the  pistol  out  of  the 
flames  again ;  but  neither  wished  to  assume  the  responsi- 


204:  FIRING   ALONG   THE   WHOLE   LINE. 

bility  of  poking  for  it.  The  confounded  thing  hadn't 
been  fully  canvassed,  and  we  didn't  know  whether  or 
not  it  was  loaded  or  which  way  it  was  aiming. 

It  might  be  pointing  out  at  the  door,  or  up  the  chim 
ney,  or  it  might  be  leveled  at  a  fellow's  very  vitals ; 
there  was  a  sort  of  creeping  uncertainty  about  the  whole 
thing  that  was  calculated  to  inspire  solemn  and  serious 
reflections,  and  make  us  sit  uneasily  upon  our  stools. 

"We  were  not  long  in  doubt,  however,  for  in  ten 
seconds  after  the  villainous  looking  mitrailleuse  settled 
into  the  glowing  embers,  there  was  no  foot  of  space,  no 
nook  or  corner  within  the  wooden  walls  of  that  humble 
dwelling,  that  was  a  good  place  for  a  man  to  be  who 
had  not  made  his  peace  with  heaven. 

File  firing  commenced  on  the  right  of  the  fire  place, 
under  cover  of  burning  brands.  There  was  a  sharp 
report,  a  cloud  of  ashes  and  a  shower  of  coals,  and  amid 
the  general  din,  the  stem  and  bowl  of  the  meerschaum 
in  the  teeth  of  Theodore  Arthur  "VVilloughby  Spooner, 
dissolved  partnership  at  once  and  forever. 

At  the  same  instant  the  old  water  pitcher  jumped 
from  the  table  mortally  wounded  in  the  abdomen. 

During  the  next  few  moments  there  was  extraordi 
nary  ground  and  lofty  tumbling  inside  the  cabin. 

Not  because  I  was  possessed  of  greater  fear,  or  less 
courage,  than  any  of  the  party,  but  because  I  felt  that  I 
had  more  to  live  for,  I  was  the  first  to  reach  the  open 
air.  The  "  Judge "  was  following  close  at  my  heels, 


PRACTICING   LEAP   FROG. 


205 


but  in    his   blind   haste   he  tripped  in  the    doorway 
and    blocked   the    passage.      It    was    at    this    critical 


moment  that   the  leap-frog  performance   commenced. 
The   antics  of  Chirini's   circus   troupe,  during  their 


206  OUTSIDE   BEETHS   AT   A   PREMIUM. 

most  brilliant  achievements,  dwindle  into  mere  school 
boy  exercise  when  compared  with  the  gymnastic  efforts 
of  the  excited  miners.  Out  came  my  friend  Colyer 
over  the  prostrate  form  of  the  Judge,  and  the  one-eyed 
Swede  over  Colyer,  his  hair  erect  and  his  one  dilated 
eye  standing  in  bold  relief  from  his  dark  face,  like  the 
ornamental  stud  on  a  horse's  blinker.  Last  though  not 
least  interested  or  frightened,  came  Theodore  Arthur 
Willoughby  Spooner,  sailing  like  a  flying  squirrel  over 
the  one-eyed  Swede.  In  the  meantime  the  pistol  was 
jumping  about  in  the  fire  like  a  fish  in  a  scoop-net, 
showering  bullets  in  every  direction. 

The  clock  hung  silent  upon  the  wall,  having  received 
a  charge  of  buck-shot  full  in  the  face,  and  the  dog  lay 
dead  upon  the  hearth-stone.  "  Vengeance  is  mine, 
saith  the  Lord,"  and  indeed  it  would  seem  so,  for  poor 
Judge  Twitchell,  whose  rashness  brought  about  the 
whole  calamity,  received  a  parting  salute,  a  farewell 
shot,  just  as  he  had  gathered  himself  on  all  fours  to 
make  a  final  lunge  from  the  hell  within. 

Fortunately  the  wound  was  not  a  fatal  one,  though 
severe  enough  to  keep  his  memory  green  for  weeks. 
If  he  did — through  any  outside  influence — forget  it  for 
a  moment,  when  he  sat  down  the  act  invariably  jogged 
his  memory,  and  his  thoughts  would  again  revert  to  the 
villainous  pistol  and  its  cruel  parting  shot. 

Some  time  elapsed  before  any  person  would  venture 
back  into  the  cabin  after  the  firing  ceased.  .No  one  had 


WHY    WE    WENT   BACK. 


207 


kept  count  of  the  shots  or  knew  at  what  moment  the 
battery  might  open  again.  "We  probably  would  have 
remained  out  all  night  rather  than  take  any  chances, 
but  the  coals  which  had  been  thrown  over  the  cabin, 
started  a  brisk  fire  in  half  a  dozen  different  places,  and 
we  were  obliged  to  run  some  risks  to  extinguish  the 
flames. 


OUR  TABLE  GIRL. 

MAY  14TH. 

"  0,  those  girls ! 
Naughty,  laughing,  beautiful  girls."—  Old  Song. 

T  COMMENCED  boarding  in  a  new  place  to-day, 
-L  and  am  completely  smitten  by  the  charming  table 
girl.  "Coffee,  sir?"  Such  eyes,  and  such— well,  no 
matter. 

Oh,  she  is  young  and  full,  and  fair, 
With  midnight  eyes  and  inky  hair, 
Which  unconfined,  without  a  check, 
Falls  round  a  plump  and  snowy  neck. 
Her  ripened  form  and  winning  smile 
A  fagging  Mormon  would  beguile, 
And  though  he  had  of  wives  a  score, 
He'd  sigh  to  add  one  charmer  more. 
Oh,  sweet  she  bends  above  my  chair 
Like  Juno,  when  old  Jove's  her  care, 
And  as  she  stoops  to  hear  me  speak, 
Soft  falls  her  breath  upon  my  cheek ; 
And  I  forget  (true  as  I  live,) 
The  order  that  I  fain  would  give. 
Before  her  dark  and  earnest  eyes, 
My  appetite  distracted  flies  ; 
And  though  I  hungry  sit  me  down, 
I  rise  full  as  a  country  clown 
Who  by  a  picnic  table  stands, 
And  shovels  in  with  both  his  hands. 


THE  PRIZE  THAT  I  DIDN'T  WIN. 


MAY  16TH. 

"YTTHO  hath  contended  for  a  prize?  Who  hath 
^  *  stood  in  front  of  an  armed  host  with  a  noble 
emulation  warming  his  breast ;  and  one  eye  glancing 
along  the  barrel  to  the  target  in  the  distance,  and  the 
other  closed  upon  the  world,  hath  pressed  carefully  upon 
the  decisive  trigger? 

And  who  hath  seen  the  glittering  bone  of  contention 
passing  away  into  other  hands  than  his  at  the  close  of 
the  contest  ?  If  such  a  person  there  be,  then  can  he 
sympathize  with  me  in  this,  my  dark  hour  of  despond 
ency. 

To-day  I  entered  the  lists  with  eighty  men  to  compete 
for  a  gold  watch  and  chain  of  two  hundred  and  fifty 
dollars  in  value.  It  was  to  be  presented  to  the  winner 
by  the  Governor  of  the  State,  at  a  grand  ball  in  the 
evening. 

I,  who  prided  myself  that  I  was  no  woman  with  a 
gun,  made  a  very  fair  impression  upon  the  target ;  and 


210  THE   PRIZE   SECTTKE. 

fell  back.  For  six  long,  dragging  hours  I  watched  the 
marksmen  striving  to  beat  my  score.  One  by  one  the 
good  shots  whom  I  had  reason  to  fear,  stepped  forward, 
discharged  their  pieces,  and  fell  back  cursing  their  ill 
luck.  At  last  nearly  all  had  fired,  and  I  in  fancy  could 
hear  the  elegant  time  piece  ticking  in  my  pocket,  and 
was  already  preparing  the  usual  impromptu  speech  with 


THE   BEST   SHOT. 


which  to  thank  the  generous  donor.     At  this  point  an 
individual  stepped  forward  whom  I  had  not  included 


211 

among  my  dangerous  competitors,  because  on  former 
occasions  lie  failed  to  hit  the  broad  side  of  a  mountain. 
Yet  to  my  astonishment  he  bore  off  the  glittering  prize  ! 

I  shall  always  think  the  devil  rode  astride  of  that 
individual's  bullets  and  guided  them  into  the  target ;  for 
while  taking  aim,  the  muzzle  of  his  gun  was  tossing 
around  like  the  tip  of  a  cow's  horn  when  she's  grazing 
in  a  clover  field. 

"What  a  picture  was  I,  as  I  stood  that  evening  at  the 
ball,  watching  his  Excellency  presenting  the  magnificent 
watch  I  had  looked  upon  as  mine  for  hours  together. 

Had  I  not  received  the  premature  congratulations  of 
my  friends,  and  been  lavish  of  change  at  the  bar  in  con 
sequence?  And  the  watch — where  was  it  ?  I  feel  that 
I  shall  never  have  the  face  to  look  my  niusket  in  the 
muzzle  again. 


AN  OLD  WOMAN  IN  PERIL. 


MAY  21sT. 

"TTESTEKDAY  while  in  Marin  County,  I  saw  an  old 
JL    woman  in  what  would  have  been  a  very  laugh 
able  predicament,  were  it  not  a  pitiable  one. 

An  unusually  large  Californian  vulture  had  for  some 
time  been  soaring  in  the  neighborhood  of  Salmon  Creek, 
occasionally  scraping  acquaintance  with  one  of  the  fat 
ewes  grazing  in  the  valley.  Several  of  the  farmers  had 
the  vexation  of  seeing  him  perched  upon  a  lofty 
eminence  making  the  wool  fly  from  some  favorite 
Cotswold.  They  were  justly  enraged,  and  resolved  to 
put  a  stop  to  his  depredations. 

They  accordingly  posted  themselves  nigh  their  flocks, 
and  with  guns  heavily  charged,  awaited  the  advent  of 
the  rapacious  bird.  But  he  was  no  booby,  and  though 
his  gizzard  could  digest  a  good  sized  rib  or  hoof  with 
all  the  ease  that  a  Ballyshannon  woman  makes  away  with 
a  mealy  potato,  he  hadn't  the  least  inclination  to  test  its 
grinding  power  upon  a  charge  of  slugs  or  buckshot. 


WHAT    A    VULTURE    SELECTED    FOR    HIS    DINNER.       213 

For  several  days  thereafter  he  was  known  in  the 
neighborhood  as  a  "  high  flier."  With  a  pining  maw  he 
would  sit  upon  some  heaven-kissing  crag,  and  with  droop 
ing  head  watch  the  fleecy  flocks  grazing  in  the  green 
valley  below.  He  found  it  difficult,  however,  to  cloy 
the  hungry  edge  of  appetite  by  bare  imagination  of  a 
feast,  and,  emboldened  by  want,  began  to  drop  to  a 
lower  level  when  flying  across  the  fields. 

Yesterday,  as  mutton  was  out  of  the  question,  he 
resolved  to  try  his  beak  upon  some  tougher  viand,  and 
while  in  the  vicinity  of  Salmon  Creek,  he  swooped  down 
upon  a  little  old  woman  who  was  gathering  chips  in 
front  of  her  cottage. 

The  poor  body  had  not  the  least  warning  of  the 
vulture's  approach.  As  she  stooped  in  the  act  of  pick 
ing  fuel  enough  to  cook  her  evening  meal  he  dropped 
upon  her  like  an  arrow. 

Fastening  his  powerful  talons  in  the  most  accessible 
part,  (see  illustration)  he  spread  abroad  his  mighty 
wings  and  began  to  haul  her  heavenward.  The  aston 
ishment,  anxiety  and  indescribable  antics  of  the  poor 
old  lady  when  she  found  herself  slowly  but  surely  leav 
ing  terra  firma  by  an  unknown  agency,  was  indeed 
terrible  to  witness. 

She  knew  not  whether  it  was  a  gold-tinseled  angel,  or 
an  iron-rusted  devil,  that  was  thus,  in  open  day,  and 
while  she  was  yet  in  the  flesh,  unceremoniously  translat 
ing  her  to  some  remote  planet ;  she  had  no  means  of 


AN  OLD  LADY  ELEVATED. 

discovering,  she  was  only  certain  she  was  going ;  that 
her  direction  was  onward  and  upward.     Her  favorite 


HOW  THE  OLD  LADY  GOT  HER  BACK  UP. 

holly-hock  tickled  her  nose  as  she  swept  over  her  little 


OBSTINACY    OF   THE    VULTURE.  215 

garden,  and  the  clothes  line,  that  for  a  moment  seemed 
to  baffle  the  vulture's  flight,  was  now  stretching  beneath. 

She  deployed  her  feet  regardless  of  appearances,  first 
to  the  right,  then  to  the  left,  above,  and  below,  vainly 
endeavoring  to  come  in  contact  with  something  that 
would  give  her  an  inkling  of  what  was  responsible  for 
this  mysterious  movement.  There  was  a  vague  uncer 
tainty  about  the  whole  proceeding  well  calculated  to 
alarm  her.  Even  though  she  succeeded  in  shaking  her 
self  loose,  her  fall  would  now  be  fearful,  and  each 
moment  was  adding  to  the  danger.  'What  could  I  do  ? 
I  was  powerless  to  save.  I  had  no  gun,  and  even  if  I 
had  there  would  have  been  some  grave  doubts  in  my 
mind  as  to  the  propriety  of  firing,  as  I  generally  shoot 
low,  and  such  an  error  in  my  aim  could  hardly  have 
proved  otherwise  than  disastrous. 

There  was  no  use  striving  to  make  the  bird  loosen 
his  hold  by  hooting.  If  there  had  been  any  virtue  in 
that  sort  of  demonstration  the  old  woman  would  hardly 
have  been  raised  above  the  eaves  of  her  shanty,  for  she 
was  screaming  in  a  manner  that  would  have  made  a 
Modoc  blush.  The  only  thing  that  suggested  itself,  and 
that  rather  hurriedly,  was  to  get  out  my  pencil  and 
paper  and  take  a  sketch  as  she  appeared  passing  over  her 
cottage  in  the  vulture's  talons. 

The  blood,  which  at  first  forsook  her  cheeks  through 
fear,  was  almost  instantly  forced  back  into  her  visage 
again  by  the  pendant  position  of  her  head. 


216  A   LTTCKY   ACCIDENT. 

She  beat  the  empty  tin  pan  which  she  still  retained 
in  her  hand,  but  the  voracious  and  hunger-pinched 
vulture  had  no  notion  of  relinquishing  his  hold  on 
account  of  noise.  On  the  contrary  he  seemed  to  enjoy 
it,  and  with  many  a  sturdy  twitch  and  flap,  and  many 
an  airy  wheel,  he  still  held  his  way  toward  a  rugged 
promontory  situated  at  the  head  of  the  canon.  Fortu 
nately,  when  he  was  twenty  feet  from  the  ground  and 
about  eighty  rods  from  the  cottage,  the  calico  dress  and 
undergarments  in  which  his  talons  were  mainly  fastened, 
gave  out.  The  liberated  woman  dropped  on  hands  and 
knees  in  the  muddy  bed  of  the  creek,  over  which  the 
bird  was  passing  at  the  time. 

While  hovering  over  her,  about  to  pounce  down  upon 
her  and  try  the  elevating  business  over  again,  a  sheep- 
herder  who  had  seen  the  bird  approaching  the  cottage, 
gave  him  a  dose  of  buckshot,  which  broke  one  wing 
and  left  him  at  the  mercy  of  his  captor. 

He  measured  twelve  feet  ten  inches  from  tip  to  tip, 
and  was  indeed  an  extraordinary  specimen. 


JUNE  IST 


Oh  June !  thou  comest  once  again 
With  bales  of  hay  and  sheaves  of  grain, 
That  make  the  farmer's  heart  rejoice, 
And  anxious  herds  lift  up  their  voice. 
I  hear  thy  promise, — sunny  maid 
Sound  in  the  reapers'  ringing  blade, 
And  in  the  laden  harvest  wain, 
That  rumbles  through  the  stubble  plaia 

Ye  tell  a  tale  of  bearded  stacks, 
Of  busy  mills  and  floury  sacks ; 

10 


218  EVER   WELCOME. 

Of  cars  oppressed  with  cumbrous  loads, 
Hard  curving  down  their  iron  roads  ; 
Of  barges  grounding  on  their  way 
Down  winding  streams  to  reach  the  bay ; 
Of  vessels  spreading  to  the  breeze 
Their  snowy  sails  in  stormy  seas, 
While  bearing  to  some  foreign  strand, 
The  products  of  this  golden  land. 

Ye  come  again  with  cereal  brows, 
And  crescent  blade,  to  fill  the  mows ; 
And  never  fall  thy  feet  too  soon, 
Oh,  ever  welcome,  sunny  June. 


A  LETTER  AND   ITS   POSTSCRIPT. 


JUNE  STH. 

I"  HAVE  been  reading  a  letter  from  a  young  married 
-*-  lady  residing  in  Canada.  She  informs  me  that  she 
is  the  happy  mother  of  a  fine  daughter.  She  freely 
boasts  of  her  baby's  various  charms,  of  it's  white  skin 
(oh !)  and  it's  pleasing  voice,  (my  !)  It  is  undoubtedly 
the  baby  of  the  district,  and  bears  ofi  all  the  honors, 
leaving  other  poor  infants  kicking  unnoticed  in  their 
mother's  laps. 

This  maternal  partiality  is  quite  natural,  however. 
Ever  since  that  morning  in  the  long  ago,  when  our  first 
parent  Eve  looked  smilingly  down  upon  her  first  born 
slumbering  on  her  bosom,  and  in  the  fullness  of  her 
heart  exclaimed  to  Adam  standing  at  her  elbow,  "  Oh  ! 
how  good  and  how  pleasant  it  is  to  be  a  mother,"  (see 
Scripture,)  the  love  for  children  has  been  the  same. 

Ever  since  the  night  on  which  the  infant  Moses  hid 
the  bulrushes  in  the  woman  of  Leviticus,  the  same  feel 
ing  has  existed ;  ever  since  the  fat  Prodigal  was  killed 


220 


THE    MOTHER  8    DELIGHT. 


because  of  the  calf's  return, — but  why  continue?  enough 
for  me  to  know  that  the  young  wife  is  exceedingly 
happy,  and  long  may  she  wave  the  broom-stick  of 
dominion  over  the  head  of  her  subjugated  partner.  "Well, 
now  that  the  thought  comes,  is  it  not  better  for  a 
mother  to  be  crowing  over  her  offspring  than  shifting 
a  responsibility  from  door  to  door,  like  the  woman  whom 


SHIFTING   A   RESPONSIBILITY. 


last  night  I  chanced  to  see  depositing  a  little  waif  upon 
my  neighbor's  doorstep  ? 

She  looked  guilty  enough  as  she  disappeared  in  the 
gloom  after  the  heartless  act. 


AN   OLD   CONUNDRUM   PROPOUNDED.  221 

I  would  have  eyed  my  neighbor  this  morning  with 
looks  of  suspicion,  would  have  passed  him  on  the  street 
without  recognition,  would  have  considered  him  a  bad 
bad  man,  and  one  altogether  given  over  to  iniquity,  if  I 
had  not  seen  the  female  endeavoring  first  to  leave  her 
burden  at  the  door  of  the  minister  opposite. 

She  was  driven  away  by  a  large  dog,  and  so  my  poor 
neighbor  had  to  take  it.  But  my  neighbor's  wife  doesn't 
know  anything  about  that,  no  indeed,  she  doesn't,  and 
that  accounts  for  the  early  visit  she  paid  the  lawyer's 
office  this  morning.  Evidently  my  neighbor  and  my 
neighbor's  wife  will  soon  be  paddling  separate  canoes. 

But  to  return  to  our  mutton.  A  lady's  letter  is  not 
complete  without  a  postscript,  and  in  the  one  attached 
to  this  my  friend  asks  this  terrible  question :  "  Why 
don't  you  get  married  ?"  I  lay  down  my  pen  and  won 
der  if  she  thinks  she  is  the  only,  or  the  original  pro- 
pounder,  of  that  question ;  if  she  thinks  it  was  reserved 
for  her  to  startle  me  by  this  home  thrust ;  if  she  does 
she  is  as  mistaken  as  if  she  wrapped  her  husband  in 
swathing  bands  instead  of  her  infant.  TThy  bless  her 
inquisitive  soul !  I  have  heard  that  conundrum  so  often 
it  has  become  as  familiar  as  the  ticking  of  my  octagon 
time  piece  over  against  the  mantel. 

I  can  tell  by  the  puckering  of  a  mouth,  as  far  as  I  can 
see  it,  when  that  question  is  about  to  be  shot  at  me. 

It  has  come  in  all  tongues,  from  the  dead  languages 
down  to  South  Sea  Island  Chinnook.  It  comes  upon 


SHOKT   COMINGS   ACKNOWLEDGED. 

me,  encircled  by  a  halo  of  tobacco  smoke,  or  impregnated 
with  whiskey  from  the  emboldened  tongue  of  some 
traveling  companion. 

I  have  grown  hoarse  and  husky-throated  endeavoring 
to  laugh  away  the  interrogation.  I  have  made  wide  and 
hasty  detours  around  it  at  the  risk  of  being  thought  deaf 
as  an  ear  of  barley,  or  dull  of  apprehension  as  a  field 
turnip. 

I  have  climbed  over  it  crawled  under  it,  and  when 
fairly  cornered,  have  commended  myself  to  my  Maker, 
and  broke  through  it,  Job-like  escaping  with  the  skin  of 
my  teeth.  And  here  it  is  again,  bubbling  up  from  the 
postscript  of  a  letter  as  innocently  as  though  I  hadn't 
been  dodging  it  on  an  average  about  twenty-five  times 
a  day  for  the  last  ten  years. 

But  now  I  think  of  it,  have  not  the  people  some  rea 
son  to  inquire  ?  With  my  usual  candor  I  will  admit  that 
they  have.  1  will  even  go  further  and  say,  that  by  this 
time  I  should  have  reckoned  my  progeny  as  the  baker 
does  his  loaves.  But  let  that  pass ;  it  is  not  for  me  to 
censure  myself,  there  are  plenty  to  do  it  and  without  the 
asking. 


DUDLEY'S  FIG-HT  WITH  DR.  TWEEZER. 


10TH. 

THAT  insufferable  bore  "  Jim  Dudley/'  called  again 
last  night,  and  as  usual  bored  me  with  one  of  his 
confounded  stories.  I  overshot  myself  by  mentioning 
to  him  how  low  he  stood  in  the  estimation  of  Doctor 
Tweezer,  for  that  brought  down  the  following  upon  my 
head: 

"  Dr.  Tweezer  didn't  speak  very  highly  of  me,  eh ! 
"Wai,  'tain't  to  be  wondered  at  when  you  know  how  I 
wrought  upon  his  feelin's  once.  When  a  feller  has  to 
go  around  among  his  patients  for  more'n  two  weeks 
with  a  beef  steak  the  size  of  a  hearth  rug,  tied  to  his 
face,  as  he  did,  he  ain't  agwine  to  hurt  himself  eulogizin' 
the  person  who  set  him  off, — not  much. 

"  Ever  fight  ?  wal,  I  reckon  you'd  think  so  if  you  had 
seen  the  Doctor's  yard  arter  we  got  through  turnin'  the 
chips  over  thar.  He  can  fight,  and  squirm  like  a  cat 
with  her  tail  in  a  tongs  that  Dr.  Tweezer  can. 

"You  see  the  Doctor's  place  was  along  side  the  widder 


224  THE   WIDOW   GEZOT   AND    HER   HENS. 

Gezot's,  and  she  had  an  al-fired  host  of  hens,  specimens 
from  cold  countries,  with  feathers  clear  down  to  thar  toe 
nails ;  and  others  from  bilin'  hot  districts,  with  no  feath 
ers  at  all  onto  'em,  'ceptin'  a  few  downy  substitutes 
frillin'  around  the  neck. — They  were  etarnally  a  gettin' 
into  his  garden  and  a  sprawlin'  round  in  the  soft  beds 
thar. 

"  He  was  pooty  mad  over  it  too,  for  he  prided  him 
self  on  razin'  early  vegetables,  and  two  or  three  times 
he  cautioned  her  to  look  arter  her  p'ultry,  or  he'd  gin 
'em  a  dose  that  would  warm  thar  little  gizzards  for  'em 
if  he  was  any  judge  of  drugs. 

"  The  widder  Gezot  was  a  plaguy  stirrin'  little  woman, 
one  that  wras  allers  willin'  to  flounder  ahead  the  best 
way  she  could.  But  arter  all  it's  mity  convenient  for  a 
woman  to  have  a  man  around  to  sort  of  tramp  the  road 
for  her,  and  I  was  on  kind  of  easy  stay-about  terms  with 
the  widder,  and  used  to  ginnerally  chime  in  when  she 
got  into  any  difficulty. 

"  She  soon  told  me  what  Dr.  Tweezer  said  about  the 
hens ;  so  we  set  in,  and  poked  'em,  and  stuck  feathers 
through  their  bills,  and  did  all  we  could  except  wring 
ing  their  necks,  to  keep  'em  out  of  his  garden. 

"  But  hens  are  hens,  you  know,  and  the  warm  sand 
makes  'em  feel  mi'ty  nice  I  reckon.  They  still  managed 
to  git  through  the  fence,  or  over  it,  and  hold  caucuses 
in  the  Doctor's  onion  beds.  One  day  arter  I  had  bin 
down  to  the  tavern  talkin'  politics  and  havin'  a  leetle 


TWEEZER   DOCTORS  THE   WIDOW'S   HENS.  225 

corn  whiskey  with  the  boys'  thar,  I  was  settin'  on  the 
widder's  door  step  smokin'  and  musin'  like,  when  I  see 
her  hens  come  a  rustlin'  hum  as  though  forty  hawks 
were  a  stirrin'  'em  up  behind.  They  p'inted  straight  for 
the  water  trough,  and  after  takin'  about  two  dips  into 
it  commenced  the  derndest  gymnastic  feats  you  ever  see, 
flip-flopin'  around,  stannin'  on  thar  heads,  and  then  on 
thar  tails.  Finally  they  quieted  down,  and  turnin'  feet 
up,  lay  thar  dead  as  the  chips  around  'em. 

"  I  more  than  suspected  Dr.  Tweezer  had  gin  'em  a 
dose  of  arsenic  or  some  other  mi'ty  tellin'  drug.  So  I 
jest  riz  up  quietly  and  took  a  look  over  into  his  yard, 
and  sure  enough  thar  he  was  a  staggerin'  and  squirinin' 
around  a  holdin'  of  his  sides,  and  e'enmost  a  bustin' 
with  in'ard  laughter.  Now  this  sort  of  upsot  me.  Not 
that  I  cared  so  much  about  the  widder's  chickens,  but  I 
didn't  like  to  see  a  feller  so  almi'ty  tickled  overaderned 
mean  trick  So  I  went  prancin'  around  to  the  Doctor's 
yard  pooty  durned  lively  a  pullin'  off  my  coat  as  I  ran. 
I  cal'lated  I  couldn't  devote  much  time  to  strippin'  arter 
I  got  in  thar. 

"  His  back  was  towards  me,  and  he  never  suspicioned 
I  was  comiir ,  but  stooped  over  warpin'  around  and  sort 
of  unwittin'ly  invitin'  a  kick. 

"  '  It's  mi'ty  funny  business,  a  pizenin'  chickens,  isn't 
it  ?'  I  ses  jest  that  way,  and  at  the  same  time  I  gin  him 
such  an  al-fired  hoist  with  my  boot,  that  I  sent  him  play- 
in'  leap-frog  more'n  fifteen  feet,  and  for  a  few  moments 
10* 


226 


DUDLEY   ATTEMPTS   TO   PAY   HIM  FOB  IT. 


I  reckon  he  thought  he  had  backed  up  ag'inst  a  batterin' 
ram. 

"  He  was  mi'ty  cranky  though,  and  turned  round 
quicker  than  a  dog  when  his  tail  is  trod  on. 

"' Dudley,'  he   hollered,  'you  infarnil  go-between, 


GOING   FOR   THE   DOCTOR. 


you've  invoked  the  pest,  so  now  look  out  for  scabs,5  and 
with  that  he  came  at  me  like  a  cluckin'  hen  at  a  strange 


SCALDING   THE    WRONG   PIG.  227 

dog.  I  see  I  was  in  for  a  lively  time,  as  the  boy  said 
when  he  upset  the  bee  hive.  At  it  we  went,  ring  and 
twist,  duck  and  dodge,  hop  and  catch  it,  round  and 
round  the  yard  like  fightin'  turkeys.  I  could  play  around 
him  at  boxin'  like  a  cooper  round  a  barrel,  but  he  was 
grizzly  on  a  hug,  and  could  kick  and  gouge  like  a  Mis- 
eissippian. 

"  He  went  for  my  right  eye  like  an  Irishman  for  a 
ballot  box.  I'll  be  derned  if  I  didn't  think  I'd  have  to 
go  one  eye  on  it  ever  arterwards.  Several  times  he  had 
it  stickin'  out  like  a  door  knob.  Finally  while  he  was 
a  fumblin'  around  he  accident'ly  slipped  his  finger  into 
my  mouth,  and  I  shut  down  on  it  rni'ty  fast  now  I  can 
tell  you. 

" '  Fair  play !  fair  play !'  he  hollered,  '  no  bitinV 
"  cH-e-ll !'  ses  1  jest  that  way,  'twixt  my  teeth,  <  all's 
grist  that  comes  to  my  mill  I  reckon,'  and  with  that 
I  snapped  it  off  at  the  second  jint  like  a  radish.  Jest  then 
his  wife  hearin'  an  unusual  rustlin'  and  scrapin'  around 
the  yard,  come  a  runnin'  to  the  door  to  see  what  was  up. 
"Woman  like,  without  inquirin'  into  the  particulars,  she 
took  sides  to  wunst,  and  started  with  a  dish  of  hot  water 
cal'latin'  to  gin  me  an  al-fired  scaldin'.  Luckily  she 
stumbled  over  the  dog  that  was  a  skelpin'  into  the  house 
to  git  out  of  harm's  way,  and  her  own  young  'un  that 
was  crawlin'  around  the  floor  munchin'  dirt  got  the  hot 
test  bath  it  ever  experienced.  That  gave  her  somethin' 
else  to  look  arter,  so  the  Doctor  and  I  had  it  out  alone. 


228  ADMIRING   EACH   OTHER. 

"  Arter  we  had  bin  at  it  about  fifteen  minutes  we  held 
a  sort  of  informal  truce,  just  arter  a  simultaneous 
exchange  of  compliments,  which  left  the  Doctor  layin' 
across  the  grindstone  and  me  astride  the  pump.  It  was 
the  fust  chance  1  had  of  gittin'  a  fair  look  at  him,  since 
we  started  in.  I  see  he  was  punished  mi'tj  bad.  One 
eye  was  retirin'  from  active  service  pooty  fast,  while  his 
face  ginnerally  looked  as  if  he  had  bin  bobbin'  for  pen 
nies  in  a  dish  of  tomato  sauce.  I  reckon  he  wasn't 
aware  he  presented  such  an  appearance,  for  ses  he  : 

" '  Your  lookin'  mi'ty  bad,  Dudley,  and  you  mout  as  well 
gin  up  now  as  anytime,  for  you'll  eventually  have  to 
holler.' 

"'If  I  looked  one-half  as  bad  as  you  do,  Doctor,  I 
would  holler,'  I  answered. 

"  '  I  ginnerally  have  to  look  about  this  bad  before  my 
blood  gits  up  to  a  fightin'  heat,'  he  ses  detarrninedly. 

"  'Wai,'  ses  I,  i  I've  fit  at  every  election  for  the  last 
five  years,  and  last  Fourth,  put  the  bully  mate  of  Terre 
Haute  into  a  coal  bunker,  blind  as  a  three  hours'  pup, 
and  I  cal'late  no  derned  pill-mixer  is  agwine  to  git  away 
with  me  very  bad.' 

"  '  You'll  have  to  be  born  ag'in  before  you  can  whale 
me,  Dudley,'  he  shouted,  c  for  I'll  fight  while  there's 
enough  blood  left  in  me  to  lunch  a  stall-fed  muskeeter.' 

" '  "We  both  suck  through  the  same  straw  then,  Doctor,' 
ses  I,  l  for  I  cal'late  to  stick  to  you  like  a  poor  man's 
plaster  to  a  beggar's  ribs  or  I'll  have  the  worth  of  the 


TOUCHED    WITH    THE    SPUB. 


229 


widder's  chickens  out  on  ye,'  and  with  that  I  spit  out 
his  finger  that  I  had  forgot  all  about,  and  the  hul  time 
had  bin  chawin'  like  a  piece  of  flag-root,  I  was  so  gol- 
derued  mad.  I  allers  will  think  he  would  have  gin  up 
the  fight  then,  if  he  hadn't  seen  me  spit  out  the  finger. 
He  looked  down  at  his  maimed  hand  and  then  at  me, 
and  the  devil  seemed  to  spur  him  on  ag'in. 

"  '  You  infarnil  cannibal  cuss  !'  he  hollered  as  he  edged 
up  to  me.  '  I'll  make  head-cheese  of  ye  !'  and  with 
that  he  made  a  pass  at  me ;  so  at  it  we  went  ag'in,  hotter 


HANDS    UP    AND    HEADS    DOWN. 


than  ever,  hands  up  and  heads  down  like  fightin'  wasps, 
round  and  about,  over  the  goose-house  and  wheel-barrow 


230  TAKEN  FOE  A   LUNATIC. 

spat-a-te-kick,  and  down  into  the  sink  pool  roll-et-e-roll, 
and  the  hair  was  a  flyin'  and  the  teeth  war  a  spinnin'. 
I  got  in  a  left  handed  wipe  on  his  chin  while  his  mouth 
was  open  swarin',  and  I  made  his  jaws  snap  like  a  wolf 
trap,  and  sent  one  of  his  molars  a  buzzin'  through  the 
kitchen  winder  like  a  bullet  from  a  Springfield  muskit. 

"  I  never  knowed  a  man  could  lose  so  much  blood  and 
stand  up  arter  it,  until  I  had  that  fight  with  Dr.  Tweezer. 
The  blood  was  a  flyin'  from  him  every  which  way  like 
the  water  from  a  sprinklin'  cart,  and  yet  the  cuss  wouldn't 
holler. 

"  Arter  a  while  he  clinched  and  throwed  me,  but  I 
managed  to  turn  him,  and  commenced  to  shut  off  his 
supply  of  wind  by  twistin'  his  neck-tie ;  but  jest  as  his 
tongue  began  to  crop  out  promisin'ly,  a  couple  of  fellers 
drivin'  by  in  a  wagon  seen  us,  and  they  allowed  that  I 
was  one  of  the  Doctor's  crazy  patients  that  had  got  the 
best  of  him ;  so  they  come  runnin'  in  with  a  derned  long 
rope  and  set  in  to  tie  me  up  right  thar. 

"  The  cussed  Doctor  turned  in  to  help  'em  do  it.  I  cus 
sed,  and  hollered,  and  kicked  off  both  boots,  and  broke  two 
of  my  teeth  a  grittin'  of  'em,  I  was  so  consumin'  mad. 
But  it  was  no  go,  I  was  a  play  in'  a  lone  hand  with  both 
bowers  and  the  ace  ag'inst  me. 

"  The  fust  thing  I  knew  they  had  me  tied  hand  and 
foot,  and  h'isted  into  thar  derned  old  meat  wagon  with 
some  dead  hogs. 

"  <  To  the  lock  up  with  him,'  shouted  the  Doctor,  jest 


INSPECTION  or  COUNTENANCES. 


231 


bilin'  with  rage,  '  he's  crazy  as  a  cow  with  her  horns 
knocked  off.'  They  took  me  thar  sure  enough,  and  I 
staid  thar  till  midnight  before  the  mistake  was  known. 


AT.AS  I      POOR    DOCTOR. 


I  was  pooty  well  scratched  up,  bnt  that  Dr.  Tweezer  was 
the  most  horrid  sight  you  ever  did  see. 

"  Arter  that  fight,  derned  if  he  didn't  look  as  though 
he  had  been  the  subject  in   a  dissectin'  room  with  at 


232  AN  UNCERTAIN"  MOUTH. 

least  a  dozen  physicians  peelin'  and  hackin'  of  him  in 
the  interests  of  science.  The  Doctor  allowed  that  the 
erysipelas  would  set  in,  seein'  thar  were  so  many  small 
veins  busted  in  his  face,  so  he  painted  it  all  over  with 
scarlet  iodine  as  a  precautionary  measure. 

"  He  did  look  like  the  very  old  ISTick,  and  no  mistake. 
His  face  was  fearfully  puffed  up  you  see,  and  his  nose 
was  knocked  clear  away  round  to  one  side.  His  mouth 
in  particular  was  a  study  that  a  feller  couldn't  git  famil 
iar  with.  It  was  a  problem  that  the  more  you  looked 
into  the  more  your  ideas  got  confused.  It  was  swelled, 
and  twisted,  and  run  around,  out  of  all  shape  and  pro 
portion. 

"  He  had  the  dog-go ndest  fumblin'  time  you  ever  heard 
of  gittin'  his  victuals  into  it  and  fairly  started  down  his 
throat.  Thar  he  would  sit  at  the  table  explorin'  about 
for  fully  five  minutes  strivin'  to  make  the  harbor,  and 
when  he  couldn't  fetch  it,  he  would  draw  the  spoon  back 
and  look  at  it  a  while  plannin'  another  expedition.  He 
knew  where  his  mouth  ought  to  be,  you  see,  and  where 
it  had  been  a  few  hours  before,  and  to  be  obliged  to 
canvass  the  whole  of  his  head  to  find  it,  was  somethin' 
he  wasn't  accustomed  to. 

"  It  seemed  as  if  he  never  would  git  through  jabbin' 
the  spoon  about  his  face,  and  when  he  would  finally 
strike  the  openin'  it  would  be  away  round  on  one  side 
of  his  head,  so  much  so  in  fact,  that  a  person  would 
think  he  was  pourin'  the  soup  into  his  ear.  He  would 


EATING   UNDER   DIFFICULTIES.  233 

be  all  hunkadory  then  durin'  the  remainder  of  that  meal, 
but  the  next  time  he  would  come  to  the  table,  the  same 
performance  would  have  to  be  gone  through  with. 

"  fie  couldn't  keep  run  of  the  durned  thing  no  how. 
It  was  here  to-day  and  somewhere  else  to-morrow,  like 
a  wrinkle  in  a  shirt. 

"  The  swellin'  kept  shiftin'  and  undulatin'  about  con 
tinually,  down  in  one  place  and  up  in  another,  all  within 
an  hour,  and  that  would  shove  the  mouth  away  down 
along  the  neck  somewhere,  or  clear  across  to  the  other 
side  of  the  head  perhaps. 

"  The  family  would  be  sittiii'  thar  eatin'  no  more  than 
he  was,  they  would  be  so  busily  engaged  watchin'  his 
singular  manoeuverin',  and  it  would  make  him  so  roarin' 
mad  that  he  would  send  'em  all  away  from  the  table. 
His  old  mother  would  snatch  a  piece  of  toast  and  start 
off  munchin'  it  and  hunchin'  up  of  her  shoulders  and 
laughin'  thar  like  a  young  5un. 

"  He  tried  to  eat  by  the  aid  of  a  small  lookin'  glass,  but 
that  didn't  work  any  better  than  goin'  it  blind.  "When 
he  saw  how  disfigured  every  feature  was,  his  appetite 
would  begin  to  git  away  from  him  pooty  lively,  and  he 
would  sling  the  glass  into  the  corner,  and  fall  to  cussin5 
me  like  a  crazy  bush-whacker. 

"  Beside  that,  I  tumbled  and  tousled  and  started  his 
hair  up  by  the  roots,  so  bad  that  he  couldn't  keep  it 
down  sleek  for  a  month  arterwards.  No  matter  how 
much  grease  he  would  rub  over  his  head,  as  soon  as  he 


234:  THL   REASON   WHY. 

would  take  the  comb  from  his  hair,  it  would  start  up 
and  lean  back  contrariwise  like,  until  his  head  would 
be  thrown  into  as  great  disorder  as  a  brush-heap  struck 
by  lightnin'.  The  yard,  too,  was  a  sight,  everythin'  in 
it  was  painted  and  scratched  and  painted  ag'in. 

"  Old  Mrs.  Sharron — who  was  allers  a  smellin' 
around  about  butcherin'  time,  on  the  lookout  for  a  fresh 
morsel — was  gwine  by  the  Doctor's  the  next  mornin', 
and  she  noticed  the  blood  and  ha'r  a  stickin'  to  the  chips 
and  pump  handle,  and  she  allowed  he  had  killed  his 
spring  pig,  so  she  dropped  in  to  ask  him  for  the  ears 
and  a  piece  of  the  liver. 

"The  Doctor  thought  she  was  runnin5  him  on  his 
late  skirmish,  and  you  never  see  a  man  fly  into  such  a 
passion  in  all  your  born  days. 

"  He  jumped  up  and  pulled  his  pizen  pump  out  of  a 
drawer,  and  ses  he:  'You  old  faded  remnant!  you 
scollop !  you  creasy  old  cinder  of  an  incendi'ry  fire ! ' 
he  contin'ed,  jest  that  way,  '  I'll  gin  ye  jest  seven 
seconds  to  git  out  of  my  house  in,  or  by  the  hully 
writin's,  I'll  hoist  every  spoonful  of  mush  that's  dropped 
in  your  old  crop  for  the  last  ten  days ! ' 

"  Jehominy !  wasn't  she  skeered,  though  ?  You  never 
see  a  cat  git  from  under  a  stove  quicker  when  a  pot 
biles  over,  than  she  got  out  of  that  house. 

"  So  Dr.  Tweezer  didn't  speak  very  highly  of  me, 
eh  ?  "Wai,  now  you  kind  of  know  the  reason,  don't 
ye?" 


MY  NEIGHBOR  WORSTED. 


JUNE  12xH. 

AS  I  look  from  my  window  I  am  surprised  at  the 
change  the  last  half  hour  has  wrought  upon  my 
neighbor,  and  his  immediate  surroundings.  At  that 
time  he  emerged  from  the  shed  in  which  he  keeps  his 
extra  household  furniture,  with  a  length  of  stove-pipe 
and  an  elbow  under  his  arms.  They  were  apparently 
just  the  things  he  needed,  to  tone  down  the  draught  of 
his  new  stove,  and  shoot  the  sparks  clear  of  the  banker's 
eaves. 

I  think  I  never  saw  him  look  better  natured  than  at 
that  moment.  His  face  was  clear  and  unruffled  as  a 
woodland  pool.  His  children  played  around  him  with 
unsuspecting  minds  and  unlimited  speech.  The  house 
hold  cat,  with  all  confidence  in  his  noble  nature, 
familiarly  rubbed  her  ribs  against  his  leg,  as  he  for  a 
moment  stood  deciding  which  end  of  the  length  to 
introduce  to  the  elbow.  Even  the  old  hen  roosting  on 
the  enclosure,  seemed  to  settle  her  head  into  her  body 


236  THE   OBSTINATE   STOVE   PIPE. 

with  more  than  ordinary  satisfaction,  as  she  regarded 
the  complacent  scene  beneath  her.  But  half  an  hour 
ago  all  was  peace,  confidence  and  love,  and  now  what  a 
change  is  here !  I  hear  the  children  but  see  them  not. 

Their  plaintive  wail  reminds  me  how  often  laughter 
is  the  harbinger  of  tears.  The  hen  with  ruffled  feathers 
and  out-stretched  neck  stands  aloof  upon  the  ridge  of  a 
distant  dwelling.  The  household  cat  that  had  grown 
old — even  to  sterility — in  the  family,  and  had  good 
reason  to  believe  herself  privileged,  purrs  no  more. 
She  has  painful  reasons  to  think  otherwise  now,  as  she 
crouches  in  the  most  retired  corner  of  the  premises, 
with  hind  leg  shouldered,  assiduously  applying  whatever 
balm  her  tongue  affords  to  injured  parts.  She  doubtless 
muses  how  heavier  than  an  infant's  spoon  it  is  to  feel  an 
adult's  boot. 

Yet  my  neighbor  was  neither  rash  nor  hasty. 

He  seemed  the  embodiment  of  perseverance,  as  he 
repeatedly  offered  that  length  of  stove-pipe  an  elbow 
which  it,  like  a  prudish  maiden,  provokingly  refused. 
Soon  the  drops  of  perspiration  began  to  stand  upon  his 
face  and  neck  in  large  globes,  and  I  knew  that  patience 
was  oozing  from  every  pore.  I  knew  by  the  scattering 
children,  the  cackling  hen,  and  the  flying  household  cat, 
that  the  "rose-lipped  cherubim,"  of  which  the  poet 
sings,  was  abiding  with  him  no  longer. 

Presently  his  wife  came  to  his  assistance  with  a  case- 
knife,  and  for  a  time  it  seemed  as  though  victory  would 


SOMETHING   JOB    NEVER    HAD.  237 

crown  their  united  efforts.  But  the  poor  woman 
retired  from  the  scene  with  wounded  fingers  and 
damaged  pride. 

My  neighbor  himself  has  ceased  to  strive.  Flattened, 
kicked,  and  abandoned,  the  pipes  lie  masters  of  the 
situation. 

Ah !  I  am  fully  persuaded  that  neither  depth  of 
affliction,  nor  height  of  impudence,  nor  length  of  trial, 
nor  breadth  of  argument,  nor  extravagance,  nor  parsi 
mony,  nor  things  in  particular,  nor  things  in  general, 
can  begin  to  compare  as  triers  of  patience,  with  a 
couple  of  old  frill-edged  stove-pipes,  that  emphatically 
set  their  edge  against  a  union. 


MINING  STOCKS. 


JUNE  14TH. 

SAN  FKANCISCO   to-day  has  been  in  a  state  of 
excitement,  over  dispatches  received  from  Yirginia 
City.     The  telegrams  were  fraught  with  startling  intel 
ligence.     There  has  been  a  rich  strike  in  the  Savage 
mine,  and  stock  is  going  up  accordingly. 

When  stocks  are  running  high, 

How  natural  to  sigh. 
Ah,  that  I  a  thousand  shares  did  command, 

That  I  might  drink  champagne, 

And  hold  a  double  rein, 
And  be  counted  a  power  in  the  land. 

The  streets  are  crowded  with  men,  women  and  child 
ren.  It  is  certainly — as  an  old  woman  remarked  at  my 
elbow — easier  for  a  needle  to  go  through  a  camels  eye, 
than  for  a  person  to  pass  through  the  throng  at  some  of 
the  corners.  At  present  the  person  who  does  not  own  sav 
age  stock  is  not  considered  of  much  account.  I,  who 


NEAKING  THE   SUMMIT. 


239 


am  always  on  the  alert  for  any  new  developements,  and 
act  upon  the  moment,  make  haste  to  give  a  sketch  of  the 


SAVAGE   STOCK   GOING   UP. 


It  is  ascending  at  a  lively  rate,  there  is  no  mistake 
about  that.  There  is  always  two  sides  to  a  hill,  how 
ever,  and  though  the  lucky  stockholder  to-day  may 
reach  the  summit  of  his  expectations,  to-morrow  may 
bring  a  descent  that  will  be  something  to  stand  from 
under.  And  being  possessed  of  quite  a  prophetic  soul, 


240 


THE   TIDE   TUKNED. 


I  anticipate  the  event  and  as  a  companion  piece  for 
the    foregoing,    give    another    sketch    of    the 


SAVAGE   STOCK   COMING  DOWN. 


which    it    will    undoubtedly    be    before    many   days. 
Well,  I  can  exclaim  with  Banquo's  facetious  murderer, 
"  Let  it  come  down,"  the  decline  cannot  destroy  my 
peace,  or  deplete  my  purse. 


A  VISIT  TO  BENICIA. 


JUNE  I?TH. 

TO-DAY  I  had  occasion  to  visit  Benicia.  The  place 
is  situated  on  the  Straits  of  Carquinez.  Not  far 
from  the  town  the  Government  Arsenal  and  Barracks 
are  situated.  And  as  a  striking  proof  of  the  loyal  and 
law-abiding  spirit  of  the  citizens,  I  may  mention  the 
fact,  that  all  the  government  property  above  alluded  to 
is  defended  by  two  soldiers,  a  corporal — who,  by  the  way, 
has  a  wooden  leg — and  a  high  private. 

While  stopping  there,  I  noticed  they  were  engaged 
in  the  pleasurable  task  of  firing  a  salute  of  twenty-one 
guns,  in  commemoration  of  Bunker  Hill.  They  were 
having  a  busy  time  of  it,  for  while  the  wooden-legged 
corporal  was  loading  and  discharging  the  cannon,  the  pri 
vate  was  forwarding  the  ammunition  from  the  magazine 
— about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  distant, — in  a  wheel-barrow. 

"  If  soldiers  will  do  this  in  time  of  peace,"  I  said  to 
11 


242  SCENE    OF    THE    HERo's    FIRST    EXPLOITS. 

myself,  "  what  would  they  not  accomplish  in  time  of 
war  ?"  and  I  walked  away  from  the  spot,  congratulating 
myself  for  having  invested  in  Government  bonds. 

The  town,  in  all  likelihood,  would  have  never  been 
heard  of  outside  of  the  State,  had  it  not  been  for  the 
brave  "  Benicia  Boy."  Here  it  was  that  John  C.  Heenan 
swung  the  blacksmith's  heavy  sledge,  and  practiced  the 
first  rudiments  of  the  pugilistic  profession,  which  subse 
quently  gained  him  his  world-wide  notoriety. 

Many  of  the  citizens,  especially  the  frequenters  of 
groggeries,  are  yet  pointed  out  to  the  visitor  as  parties 
who  at  some  period  of  their  life  served  as  a  sand  bag,  on 
which  the  muscular  "  Boy  "  hardened  his  knuckles. 

As  I  gazed  upon  the  scattered  village, — for  it  is  no 
more, — I  mused,  how  a  man  should  come  forth  from 
such  a  paltry  place  to  "  awe  "  the  world.  For  as  Goliah 
challenged  the  host  of  the  living  God,  so  came  the  brave 
"  Benicia  Boy  "  and  dared  creation's  millions. 

And  as  the  youthful  shepherd,  afterwards  king,  rose 
up  and  smote  the  overweening  giant,  with  a  stone,  till 
all  his  brain  oozed  forth,  so  from  Albion's  Isle  a  youth 
ful  "  King,"  smote  the  western  champion  in  the  midriff 
with  his  mawley,  and  all  his  wind  gushed  out ! 

After  searching  some  time  to  discover  the  blacksmith 
shop  where  the  pugilist  used  to  work,  I  learned  that  it 
was  long  since  torn  down  and  a  church  now  occupied 
the  site.  But  an  old  gentleman  who  kept  a  small  board- 


THE    TOWN    PUMP. 


243 


ing  house,  conducted  me  to  an  ancient  pump,  at  which 
lie  said  the  "  Boy  "  on  several  occasions  bathed  his  nose 


ONE  ot-  HEENAN'S  MEMENTOES. 

after  having  a  bout  with  some  person  who  didn't  let  him 
have  things  all  his  own  way,  and  there  I  wept  my  tears 
of  tribute. 

A  large  iron  bound  boot-jack,  set  in  a  glass  case, 
was  shown  me  by  a  saloon  keeper.  He  assured  me, 
with  this  weapon  the  "  Boy "  had  killed  several  cats 
belonging  to  the  neighbors,  which  had  disturbed  his 
slumbers.  This  boot-jack  had  also  caused  the  death  of 
a  mule,  for  on  one  occasion  the  pugilist  hurled  it  with 
such  violence  at  a  cat  that  was  scampering  across  the 
roof  of  an  out  house,  that  the  heavy  missile  went  through 


244  A   TERRIBLE   BLOW. 

the  boards.  A  farmer's  mule  that  was  standing  in  the 
shed  received  the  weapon  behind  the  ear,  and  immedi 
ately  went  to  gravel  as  though  he  had  been  felled  with 
a  sledge-hammer.  The  farmer  instituted  a  suit  against 
the  "  Boy  "  to  recover  damages,  but  the  friends  of  the 
pugilist  made  up  a  purse  to  satisfy  the  demand  of  the 
farmer,  and  the  matter  was  hushed. 

I  was  also  shown  a  jagged  hole  in  a  high  board  fence, 
which  it  is  said  the  "  Boy  "  made  one  night  while  going 
home  from  a  neighboring  saloon  slightly  (?)  corned. 

It  seems  he  had  some  trouble  with  a  companion  before 
leaving  the  saloon,  and  seeing  his  shadow  dogging  his 
steps,  mistook  it  for  the  substance  of  his  late  antagonist ; 
very  naturally  presuming  that  his  intentions  were  any 
thing  but  friendly,  he  turned  hastily  around  and  dissipa 
ted  the  obnoxious  shadow  by  knocking  it  about  fifteen 
feet  into  the  garden. 

The  fence  rattled  and  shook  around  the  whole  lot 
under  the  terrible  blow.  He  made  a  hole  in  the  boards, 
through  which  a  large  goat  could  readily  jump  without 
sacrificing  any  of  its  hair  by  the  performance,  and  per 
manently  injured  a  good  sized  pear  tree  that  stood  inside 
the  inclosure,  about  three  feet  distant.  The  concussion 
was  terrible.  A  couple  of  turkeys  that  happened  to  be 
roosting  in  the  tree  at  the  time,  dropped  from  their  limb 
as  though  shot  through  the  head  with  a  needle-gun. 
Never  afterwards  could  they  be  induced  to  roost  upon 


HIGH    HOPES. 


245 


anything  further  from  the  ground  than  the  cross-bar 
of    a   saw-horse,    or   the   handles   of    a   wheel-barrow. 


A    SCIENTIFIC    OPENING. 


No  doubt  Benicia  at  one  time  had  great  expectations, 


246  A   MEAN   MAN. 

as  it  formerly  was  the  capital  of  the  State.  It  is  now 
a  capital  joke  to  see  a  person  undertaking  to  walk  through 
the  town  in  the  winter  season,  without  faith  strong 
enough  or  feet  broad  enough  to  support  him  upon  the 
surface  of  the  oceans  of  mud  he  will  find  himself  gazing 
wistfully  across. 

On  my  way  down  a  man  was  pointed  out  to  me  on 
the  boat,  who  is  said  to  be  the  meanest  man  in  Solano 
County.  My  informant  assured  me  that  when  the  mean 
individual's  wife  died  last  year,  he  borrowed  a  pair  of 
forceps  from  the  dentist,  at  Benicia,  and  extracted  all  her 
gold-filled  teeth.  And  on  the  morning  prior  to  her 
funeral  he  sat  upon  the  door  step,  hammer  in  hand,  with 
a  flat-iron  upon  his  knees,  cracking  the  teeth  like  Eng 
lish  walnuts,  and  with  a  sewing  awl  extracting  the  filling 
from  the  cavities. 

During  my  journey  I  didn't  cultivate  that  man's 
acquaintance,  he  is  a  person  to  stand  away  from  espe 
cially  when  clouds  are  charged  with  electricity. 


HOLLER  SKATING. 

JUNE  18m 

Oh !  skating,  roller  skating  now,  of  pastimes  takes  the  lead ; 

No  more  we  take  the  moonlight  sail,  or  mount  the  prancing  steed, 

No  more  to  fair,  or  carnival,  no  more  to  masquerade, 

No  more  along  the  lengthy  bridge,  the  thousands  promenade, 

No  more  we  see  Othello  rave,  and  roll  his  jealous  eyes, 

Or  Hamlet  leaping  in  the  grave,  where  loved  Ophelia  lies. 

Or  see  the  boasting  Falstaff  sheath  his  blade  in  Percy's  corse, 

Or  hear  the  baffled  Richard  shout,  "My  kingdom  for  a  horse!" 

In  vain  the  minstrels  shake  the  bones,  and  tell  the  smutty  tale, 

Their  blazoned  bill,  or  blatant  band,  to  draw  the  public  fail; 

For  $iose,  who  still  their  millions  hide,  and  those  at  ruin's  brink, 

Alike  throw  business  cares  aside,  and  hasten  to  the  Rink. 

Talk  of  your  bounding  horseback  rides,  or  of  the  grace  indeed 

A  maiden  shows  when  she  bestrides  the  frail  velocipede ; 

I  charge  ye,  if  you'd  see  a  maid  when  graceful  she  appears, 

Go  see  her  on  the  roller-skates,  as  round  the  Rink  she  steers. 


ODE  ON  A  FLEA. 


JUNE  20TH. 


"  A  lofty  theme, 
Fit  subject  for  the  noblest  bard 
That  ever  strung  a  lyre."—  Coleridge. 

Insufferable  pest !  that  with  wondrous  force 

Sinks  in  my  quivering  flesh  thy  noxious  tooth, 
To  tap  life's  current  in  its  healthful  course, 

And  break  my  needful  rest,  and  bring  me  ruth. 

Oh !  virulent  marauder,  thou  art  a  curse  in  truth, 
And  who,  that  smarts  beneath  thy  awful  bite, 

And  poisonous  delving,  but  will,  forsooth, 
Think  that  sage  poet  may  have  erred  a  mite, 

Who  ably  sang  in  ages  past,  "  Whatever  is,  is  right.1 


TTO   VIRTUES  IN  A  FLEA.  249 

I'll  place  thee  foremost  in  the  swarm  of  those 

Tormenting  insects  that  plague  mankind  ; 
Yet  greater  craven  from  the  earth  ne'er  rose, 

Than  thou,  mute  robber  of  my  peace  of  mind. 

In  the  musical  mosquito  noble  traits  we  find ; 
When  he  at  night  upon  his  mission  goes, 

And  quits  the  ceiling  where  he  long  has  pined, 
On  his  shrill  bugle  a  lusty  blast  he  blows, 

To  warn  his  drowsy  prey  that  a  raid  he  doth  propose. 

The  vampire  bat  of  Southern  latitudes 

That  preys  at  night  upon  the  throat  of  man, 
Quite  conscious  of  the  pain  his  tooth  intrudes, 

Doth  with  membraneous  wings  the  victim  fan, 

To  hold  him  still  unconscious  if  he  can, 
Of  the  dark  demon  hovering  o'er  his  head, 

Drawing  the  blood  from  visage  pale  and  wan; 
Till  fully  gorged  it  leaves  the  sleeper's  bed, 

And  he,  awaking,  scarce  believes  he  has  been  freely  bled. 

But  thou,  black  devil,  what  virtue  canst  thou  claim? 

Save  great  activity,  which  makes  me  hate  thee  more. 
Through  night  and  day  thy  laboring  is  the  same, 

Insatiate  ever,  thou  never  wilt  give  o'er, 

But  glutton-like,  still  sap  and  bite,  and  bore. 
Yet  truly  thou  art  cursed  in  having  such  a  jaw, 

The  champ  of  which  doth  try  my  patience  sore. 
And  soon  thou  hast  to  scud  from  angry  scratch  and  claw, 

And  often  thou  must  bite  afresh  ere  surfeited  thy  maw! 

Hadst  thou  instead  of  escharotic  teeth 

Been  furnished  with  a  blood-extracting  bill, 

Which  once  insinuated  skin  beneath, 
11* 


250  HAKD  TO   CATCH. 

The  worst  were  past ;  I'd  feel  no  thrill 

To  make  me  shiver  as  though  an  ague  chill 
Did  all  my  joints  and  nerves  undo, 

Till  I  sit  chattering  like  a  fanning  mill, 
Perhaps  when  sitting  in  the  still  church  pew, 

Where  I  should  think  of  heaven  instead  of  things  like  you. 

I  grant  there's  naught  on  earth  nor  in  the  sea, 

Nor  in  the  windy  waste  around  our  rolling  sphere, 
That  can  at  all  compare  with  thy  agility 

When  thou  art  taken  with  a  sense  of  fear. 

And  what  was  ever  formed  that  can  come  near 
Thy  well  knit  bones  ?     Thy  curs'd  infrangibility 

Is  too  well  known  to  need  long  mention  here, 
For  who  but  oft  has  seen  thee  spring  away  quite  free, 

Although  between  the  fingers  long  rolled  most  spitefully. 


AHA! 


SOMETHING  TOO  MUCH  OF  INDIAN. 


JUNE  25TH. 

TAKE  away  the  dish ;  my  gorge  rises  at  it,  I  have  had 
my  fill  of  Modoc ;  have  had  buck  for  breakfast,  squaw 
for  dinner,  and  papoose  for  supper,  until  at  the  very 
mention  of  Indian,  my  appetite  forsakes  me. 

The  appellations  that  for  a  season  fell  upon  my  ears,  li^e 
a  new  poem  from  the  lips  of  some  sweet  bard,  have  poetry 
for  me  no  longer.  The  names,  "  Captain  Jack," 
"  Scarfaced  Charlie,"  "  Shacknasty  Jim,"  or  «  Ellen's 
Man,"  have  lost  their  charm.  They  have  become  dull 
and  uninteresting,  and  I  would  hear  them  no  more  for- 


252  AN  INFAMOUS  FRAUD. 

ever.  I  have  been  duped,  deceived,  defrauded,  on 
account  of  these  rascally  Mo  docs. 

I  have  gazed  in  silent  awe  upon  what  I  supposed  to 
be  the  scalp  of  no  less  a  personage  than  "  Old  Sconchin," 
and  it  now  transpires  that  the  redoubtable  old  chief  turns 
up  among  the  Indians  recently  captured. 

Oh !  Lord,  how  this  world  is  given  to  lying ! 

I  have  journeyed  long  and  far,  by  water  and  by  rail, 
on  horseback  and  on  foot,  and  purchased  at  an  extrava 
gant  price  an  Indian's  scalp  which  the  seller  under  oath, 
with  lifted  hand,  assured  me  was  the  veritable  crown 
lock  of  that  same  "  Old  Sconchin." 

With  tears  coursing  down  his  sunburned  cheeks  he 
informed  me,  that  with  his  own  eyes,  in  the  full  light  of 
day,  he  saw  it  plucked  smoking  from  the  sconce  of  the 
expiring  brave.  * 

I  have  consequently  braided  watch  chains  of  the  hair, 
fashioned  a  money  purse  of  the  skin,  and  then  withdrawn 
into  a  private  apartment  to  shed  bitter  tears  of  sorrow, 
because  the  material  didn't  quite  hold  out  to  make  a 
tobacco  pouch.  And  now  the  distressing  intelligence 
reaches  me  that  the  renowned  "  Old  Sconchin  "  stands 
manacled  in  the  camp  of  his  foemen,  with  an  unscarified 
top  and  as  luxuriant  hair  as  ever  drew  nourishment 
from  an  Indian  head. 

Oh  !  where  shall  we  turn,  or  where  shall  we  look  for 
honesty,  since  it  is  not  found  in  the  breast  of  the  Indian 
scalp  peddler  ? 


COURT  BOOM  SCENES. 


JUNE  2STH. 

I  AM   as  full   of  law   this   evening  as  a  sea-shell  of 
sound,  having  been  wedged  in  the  Fifteenth  Dis 
trict   Court   room   from    10  o'clock  A.  M.  to  9  P.  M., 
listening  to  the  testimony  in  the  case  of  the  People  vs. 
Laura  D.  Fair. 

Though  the  room  was  crowded  almost  to  suffocation, 
I  fancy  there  is  not  that  deep  interest  manifested  that 
was  shown  during  the  former  trial.  On  that  occasion 
there  were  so  many  letters  introduced  in  evidence,  such 
a  mass  of  private  correspondence  dragged  from  musty 
trunks,  and  laid  open  to  the  public,  that  thousands 
flocked  daily  to  the  court  room,  in  hopes  of  hearing 
something  rich,  if  not  instructive.  I  shall  never  forget 
the  excitement  during  the  reading  of  letter  No.  94:7. 


254  ARGUMENT   ON   A   DOUBTFUL   POINT. 

It  was  from  Mrs.  Fair  in  San  Francisco  to  Mr.  Critten- 
den  in  Virginia  City. 

The  counsel  for  the  defence  argued  a  good  round  two 
hours  and  a  half  by  the  court  room  clock,  against  the 
letter  being  admitted  in  evidence.  He  maintained  it 
was  irrelevant,  as  it  had  never  been  opened,  Mr.  Critten- 
den  forgetting  to  read  it,  or  neglecting  to  do  so,  for 
some  reason  of  his  own. 

The  counsel  for  the  people  followed  with  even  a 
longer  appeal  to  the  judge  to  admit  the  letter,  strength 
ening  his  argument  by  lengthy  quotations  from 
Blackstone,  Kent,  "Wharton,  and  other  authorities, 
endeavoring  to  prove  it  should  be  put  in  evidence,  as 
its  contents  might  assist  materially  in  furthering  the 
ends  of  justice. 

The  judge  began  to  show  unmistakable  signs  of 
impatience.  He  remarked  that  already  a  package  of 
letters  had  been  read  that  would  go  far  towards 
shingling  the  Mechanics  Pavilion,  and  had  no  more 
bearing  upon  the  point  at  issue  than  "  Darwin's  Descent 
of  Man,"  had  upon  the  culture  of  white  beans.  He  finally 
gave  way  before  the  preponderance  of  the  prosecuting 
attorney's  argument,  and  directed  an  officer  to  wake  the 
jury,  as  a  letter  was  to  be  read  that  all  should  hear. 
After  considerable  shaking-  and  poking,  this  difficult 
duty  was  performed.  Even  the  deaf  juror  was  aroused, 
though  the  good  natured  judge  had  permitted  him  to 


INTENSE    INTEREST. 


255 


sleep  during    the  introduction    of  several    preceding 
epistles. 

After  order  was  restored,  and  an  inventive  juror  had 


A   DROWSY    JURY. 

improvised  an  ear  trumpet  with  a  piece  of  legal  cap  for 
his  unfortunate  companion,  the  billet  doux  was  opened. 
As  the  seal  was  broken,  judge  and  jury  rose  to  their  feet 
with  one  accord,  and  leaned  as  far  forward  as  their  desks 
would  allow,  the  more  readily  to  catch  every  word  of 
the  important  document.  The  silence  in  the  room  was 
death-like.  The  weak  ticking  of  the  dusty  clock  upon 
the  wall  was  the  only  sound  that  disturbed  the  awful 
stillness,  and  as  the  calm  settled,  the  muffled  beat  of  the 


256  A  COLLAPSE. 

time-piece  increased  in  force  and  volume  until  it  actually 
seemed  to  attain  the  startling  and  sonorous  tones  of  a 
fire  bell.  Presently  the  attorney  in  a  high  and  tremu 
lous  voice  began  to  read.  The  contents  ran  thus : 

""San  Francisco,  July  9th,  1868. 

MY  DEAK  DELIGHTFUL  DARLING  : — How  are  my  stocks 
selling  now  ?  Your  Loving,  Adoring  LAURA." 

The  effect  produced  was  marked.  The  lawyer 
dropped  the  letter  upon  the  table  before  him,  ran  his 
white  fingers  through  his  hair,  and  looked  around  with 
the  air  of  a  tired  traveler  when  he  ascertains  he  has 
walked  five  miles  upon  the  wrong  road.  The  gentlemen 
of  the  jury,  with  looks  more  of  anger  than  of  sorrow, 
dropped  into  their  seats  as  suddenly  as  though  an 
invisible  hand  had  caught  them  by  the  seat  of  the  pants 
and  assisted  them  to  their  benches. 

The  Judge,  with  an  ill  concealed  look  of  disgust, 
settled  back  into  his  chair,  and  the  deep  crease  in  his 
vest  immediately  over  his  stomach — where  his  dinner 
should  have  been  hours  before — grew  more  and  more 
perceptible. 

I  elbowed  my  way  from  the  suffocating  room  before 
another  sample  of  correspondence  was  selected  from 
the  package  for  perusal. 

As  the  trial  drew  to  a  close  it  became  even  more 
monotonous,  one  week  being  entirely  occupied  with 
reading  and  arguing  over  letters  alone. 


PEEPING-  TOM. 


JUNK  28-ra. 


Fair  Mary  had  a  little  man, 

As  cunning  as  a  crow, 
For  everywhere  that  Mary  went, 

Her  man  was  sure  to  go. 

One  day  went  Mary  to  confess, 

He  followed  on  the  sly, 
And  caught  the  priest  in  Mary's  arms, — 

Oh,  how  was  that  for  high  ? 


258 


SACRILEGE. 

What  did  the  injured  husband  do 
When  this  strange  sight  he  spied  ? 

Grew  pale  with  rage,  then  dusted  through 
The  chancel  long  and  wide ; 

And  in  the  holy  house  sedate, 

Beneath  a  crucifix, 
He  broke  across  a  holy  pate 

Five  holy  candle-sticks. 


GOING-  UP  THE  SPOUT. 


JUNE  30ra. 

EATS  and  mice,  like  ourselves,  often  labor  at  a  great 
disadvantage  while  endeavoring  to  make  a  liveli 
hood.  They  often  make  a  miss  of  it  altogether  by  not 
knowing  the  proper  time  to  set  out  upon  an  expedition. 
Their  life  is  a  perpetual  skirmish.  They  have  to  take 
chances  and  be  upon  their  guard  continually.  Their 
mortal  enemy  and  dread,  the  cat,  may  be  asleep  in  the 
fourth  story,  and  the  poor  mouse  knows  not  of  it  as  he 
looks  wistfully  across  the  intervening  space  between  the 
ash  barrel  and  the  basement  stairs ;  but  after  weighing 
the  chances  of  escape  or  capture,  he  scurries  across  the 
opening  with  as  much  haste  as  though  the  sharp  claws 
of  pussy  were  raking  the  stunted  fur  from  his  wiry  tail. 

The  sun  may  pour  down  its  warm  rays  and  the  planks 
which  his  way  lies  over  be  warm  and  inviting,  but  he  can 
not  loiter  to  enjoy  its  warmth  or  survey  the  beauties  of 
nature.  Oh  !  who  would  be  a  mouse  ?  sigh  I,  as  I  sit  and 
ponder  over  his  life  of  inherent  fear  and  uncertainty. 

He  seems  to  have  no  confidence   in  himself.     His 


260  UNPLEASANT   FEATURES   OF   A   RAT^S   LIFE. 

actions  are  like  those  of  an  inferior  checker  player. 
Shove  about  as  he  may,  the  chances  are  he  will  soon 
regret  the  manceuver,  and  wish  himself  safely  back  again 
at  the  starting  point. 

Everything  about  the  premises  seems  to  be  after  him. 
He  regards  the  old  blacking-brush,  that  lies  under  the 
bench,  with  looks  of  suspicion  for  hours  together,  and 
dare  not  risk  a  scamper  past.  He  takes  it  for  a  horrid 
cat,  quietly  and  patiently  biding  her  time.  He  retires 
into  his  hole  and  waits  fully  an  hour  before  peeping  out 
again ;  but  there  it  sits  to  blast  his  sight  and  cause  a  cold 
thrill  to  run  along  his  little  spine.  The  fact  that  it  does 
not  change  its  position  does  not  in  the  least  weaken  his 
mistrust ;  on  the  contrary  it  rather  strengthens  it.  "  It 
is  so  cat-like,"  he  says  to  himself,  "  for  it  to  be  sitting 
there  motionless."  In  the  handle  projecting  from  one 
end,  he  very  naturally  thinks  he  recognizes  the  tail,  and 
at  this  new  discovery  he  backs  into  his  hole  again  in 
great  trepidation. 

He  feels  certain  now  that  he  was  right  in  his  suspi 
cions.  Another  wait  follows. 
On  again  emerging  there  it 
lies  as  before,  and  if  that 
mouse  was  profane,  and  had  a  soul  to  hazard,  it  would 
undoubtedly  hazard  it,  and  roundly  curse  that  brush 
through  compressed  teeth. 

It  takes  but  little  to  set  a  poor  mouse  into  a  perfect 
fluster.  Down  rolls  a  stick  of  wood  from  the  pile,  and 


A    CAT'S   LIFE   KATHER    FASCINATING.  261 

Mr.  Mouse,  nibbling  at  the  other  corner  of  the  shed, 
jumps  at  least  eight  feet  in  the  direction  of  his  hole. 
The  wind  blows  down  the  clothes-line  stick,  and  simul 
taneous  with  its  fall  upon  the  planks,  the  heart,  liver, 
and  lights  of  the  poor  mouse  seem  to  be  running  a 
steeple-chase  to  see  which  can  jump  from  his  mouth 
first.  Away  he  scurries  across  the  yard,  so  fast,  that 
though  your  eyes  were  endeavoring  to  keep  up  with 
him  all  the  way,  you  merely  know  something  has  been 
moving,  but  can  only  surmise  what. 

I  sometimes  think  it  bad  enough  to  be  a  human,  but 
dear  me !  from  being  a  mouse  deliver  me.  For  all  their 
care  and  caution  they  do  so  often  miscalculate.  This 
is  evidenced  by  the  number  of  times  our  old  cat  enters 
the  house  with  her  mouth  full,  and  her  eyes  sparkling 
with  pride. 

There  is  nothing  so  very  degrading  or  humiliating  in 
a  cat's  life,  and  the  thought  of  becoming  a  cat  does 
not  make  one  shudder  as  does  the  thought  of  becoming 
a  mouse.  A  cat  does  not  occupy  such  a  very  bad  position 
in  life  after  all,  and  now  that  I  think  of  it,  1  do  believe 
I  would  rather  be  a  good  household  cat, — by  good  I 
mean  an  excellent  mouser,  one  never  guilty  of  letting  a 
mouse  escape  after  having  the  second  wipe  at  him ;  no 
scraggy  creature,  with  stove-singed  back  and  scolloped 
ears,  but  a  well  behaved  profitable  animal.  I  say  I  would 
rather  be  such  a  cat  than  be  some  men  whom  I  have  met 
in  life,  that  is,  if  there  were  no  children  in  the  house. 


262 


YET,    AFTER    ALL,    NOT    DESIRABLE. 


There  is  always  some  drawback ;  a  cat  is  peculiarly 
blessed  that  lives  in  a  house  where  there  are  no  children ; 
it  seems  to  be  counted  as  one  of  the  family  almost,  and 
its  life,  though  short,  is  certainly  a  happy  one.  But  ah ! 
these  reckless  children,  that  snatch  up  Tommy  by  the  tail 
as  they  would  a  sauce-pan,  and  as  though  the  tail  was 
actually  intended  for  a  handle.  On  second  thought,  I 
don't  know  as  1  would  like  to  take  the  chances  of  being 
a  cat  after  all. 

For  the  last  half  hour  I  have  been  deeply  interested 


ON    A    RAID. 


in  the  manceuvers  of  a  large  rat  in  the  yard  of  an  adja 
cent  house.     He  has  made  three  unsuccessful  attempts  to 


A    PERSEVERING    BUSINESS    RAT.  263 

go  up  the  sink-spout.  Thrice  has  he  glided  up  the  slip 
pery  incline  until  the  tip  of  his  long  tail  disappeared 
from  view,  but,  as  often  has  he  beat  a  hasty  retreat, 
assisted  on  his  downward  way  by  a  rushing  torrent  of 
hot  dishwater. 

He  is  a  determined  fellow,  however,  and  sticks  to  an 
enterprise  with  the  spirit  and  pertinacity  of  a  world- 
seeking  Columbus,  or  a  prison  breaking  Monte  Christo. 
No  doubt  the  hungry  edge  of  appetite  is  whetted  by  the 
strong  effluvium  arising  from  Limburger  cheese  (the  peo 
ple  are  Germans)  that  fills  the  whole  atmosphere  with  an 
odor  truly  agreeable  to  the  rodent  nose,  every  time 
the  pantry  door  is  opened.  The  cheese  has  lately  been 
stirred  up  I  presume,  by  the  trenchant  knife  of  Pater 
familias,  and  consequently  the  poor  hunger-pinched  rat 
is  allured  up  the  spout  at  this  inopportune  hour,  while 
the  servant  girl  is  washing  the  dishes. 

Every  living  creature  has  its  weakness.  The  horse 
whinnies  when  the  oats  draw  nigh,  and  forgets  the 
galling  collar.  Sheep,  that  at  other  times  will  not  come 
within  gun  shot,  grow  tame  and  unsuspicious  when  the 
salt  is  shaken  in  the  pan. 

The  hog  has  a  penchant  for  clover-roots,  or  wherefore 
does  the  rusted  wire  ring  ornament  his  nose?  Is  it 
there  because  it  is  the  fashion  ?  Ask  the  farmer. 

And  undoubtedly  cheese  is  the  weakness  of  the  rat 
family.  It  is  their  aim,  and  often  their  end,  too.  It  is 


264  DREAMS   AND   BEAUTIES. 

the  slirine  to  bow  down  before  which,  the  rat  will 
jeopardize  his  life  every  hour  of  the  twenty-four. 

He  dreams  of  it.  In  his  fitful  slumbers  he  beholds  it 
ranged  around  him  tier  on  tier,  as  in  a  great  store  room, 
and  not  a  cat  within  forty  leagues.  He  is  in  the  rat's 
heaven,  and  happy.  No  deceptive  poisons  that  consume 
the  stomach,  no  insidious,  subtle  traps,  yawning  ready 
to  clutch  the  unsuspecting  victim,  surround  him.  He 
is  safe  and  at  peace,  and  would  dwell  there  forever  and 
forever  in  one  unbroken  endless  night.  But  the  heavy 
rumbling  of  a  dray  startles  him,  for  all  sweet  dreams 
have  their  wakings,  alas !  that  it  is  so  !  He  wakes,  and 
where  is  he?  Under  the  wet  sidewalk,  drenched  and 
tousled  with  the  drippings  of  the  day's  rain,  with 
nothing  for  breakfast  but  a  dry  onion  peel,  the  prog  of 
the  previous  night,  which  nothing  but  a  forty-eight 
hours'  fast  could  induce  him  to  seize.  Ah,  me !  what 
chances  the  fellow  has  to  take  in  order  to  secure  sufficient 
sustenance  to  keep  life  and  body  together. 

"  Honor  pricks  me  on,"  soliloquized  old  Sir  John,  on 
the  field  of  Shrewsbury,  when  he  withdrew  from  the 
general  clash  and  rendering  up  of  souls,  to  breathe  a 
spell,  and  moralize  upon  the  insignificance  of  Fame,  or 
Honor,  as  against  the  value  of  life.  But  nothing  pricks 
on  the  poor  rat  but  his  craving  little  digestive  organs. 
The  mill  is  crying  out  for  grists,  the  hopper  is  empty, 
the  stone  still  turning,  and  something  must  be  done,  and 
that  quickly. 


VICTORY  OB  DEATH!  265 

No  honor  is  attached  to  the  expedition,  and  even 
though  he  should  succeed  in  making  the  "inning," 
which  is  doubtful,  all  that  can  be  said  is  that  he  has 
"  gone  up  the  spout,"  and  in  the  common  acceptation  of 
the  saying,  that  is  certainly  nothing  to  be  very  highly 
elated  over. 

I  actually  feel  ashamed  when  I  think  of  the  many 
projects  I  have  abandoned  through  life,  because  I  met 
with  slight  reverses.  Here  before  me  is  this  poor 
water-soaked  rat,  his  hair  still  smoking  from  his  recent 

I  O 

scald,  emerging  once  more  from  behind  the  wood  box, 
determined  to  solve  the  problem  of  the  sink-spout  or 
perish  in  the  attempt.  A  grim  smile  of  resolution 
seems  to  part  his  pointed  features,  as  he  moves  quietly 
up  to  the  dripping  conduit  from  which  he  lately  scam 
pered  with  steaming  ribs. 

They  may  talk  of  deeds  of  noble  daring,  of  vaulting 
the  breach,  or  traversing  the  wild;  but  for  sterling 
courage,  for  indomitable  perseverance  and  pluck,  com 
mend  me  to  this  little  adventurer  in  my  neighbor's 
yard.  In  the  face  of  three  scalding  inundations,  he 
ventures  again  upon  the  expedition,  unshaken,  unsub 
dued,  unterrified.  He  takes  more  chances  and  subjects 
himself  to  more  risks  in  ascending  that  spout  than  old 
Samuel  de  Champlain  in  exploring  up  the  St.  Lawrence 
among  the  Iroquois. 

"What  if  the  large  flea-breeding  dog  lying  indolently 
12 


266 


UP    THE    SPOUT. 


in  the  yard  would  rouse  from  the  lethargic  sleep  that 
holds  him,  and  for  once  make  himself  useful  by  thrust 
ing  his  bristling  muzzle  up  the  orifice  after  the  little 
explorer,  thereby  cutting  off  retreat  in  the  event  of 
another  disastrous  deluge  ?  The  terrible  result  of  such 
an  action  on  the  part  of  the  dog  is  too  painful  and  im 
probable  to  contemplate. 

Now  I  think  of  it,  this  is  the  last  day  of  the  month, 
and  June,  like  the  rat  in  my  neighbor's  yard,  is  going 
up  the  spout. 


THE  BREATHING  SPELL. 


IST. 

As  some  lone  reaper,  tanned  and  sore, 
Doth  pause  to  glance  his  acres  o'er, 
Comparing  what  hath  passed  his  hands 
With  what  before  him  bristling  stands. 
Behind  him  lie  the  shocks  and  sheaves, 
While  like  a  sea  before  him  heaves 
Far  over  valley,  hill  and  plain, 
The  waving  heads  of  waiting  grain  : 
So  pause  I  now,  when  half  way  through 
This  growing  book,  my  task  to  view; 
Behind  lie  many  a  sketch  and  line, 
Before  me,  countless  pages  shine: 
Behind,  the  thoughts  are  shaped  and  bound; 
Before,  they  float  in  freedom  round. 
And  as  that  reaper  stoops  again 

To  throw  his  hook  around  the  grain, 
And  sinks  amid  the  sea  of  gold, 
To  rise  when  hands  no  longer  hold  : 
So  bend  I  to  my  task  anew, 
And  undismayed  my  course  pursue, 
'Till  clip  on  clip,  and  sheaf  on  sheaf, 
Shall  bear  me  to  the  farthest  leaf. 


YOUNG  AMERICA. 


JULY  3o. 


You  need  not  wake  to  call  me,  to  call  me,  mother  dear. 
For  to-morrow'll  be  the  noisiest  day  of  all  the  passing  year  ; 
Of  all  the  passing  year,  mother,  the  most  uproarious  day. 
And  I,  you  bet,  will  stirring  be  before  the  morning  gray. 


SQTJINTY  WARE'S  EXPLOITS.  269 

A  flag-staff  will  be  hoisted,  mother,  two  hundred  feet  in  air, 
And  cannon  will  be  ranged  around  the  whole  of  Union  Square, 
And  on  the  instant  Phoebus  shoots  his  arrows  o'er  the  hill, 
There'll  be  a  roar  will  shake  the  shore,  as  far  as  Watsonville. 

You  know  the  tailor's  nephew,  mother,  they  call  him  Squinty  Ware. 
Last  year  he  powdered  Perry's  jaw,  and  blinded  Dobson's  mare, 
And  while  his  poor  old  grandmamma  was  peeping  through  the  blind, 
She  got  a  "  whiz  "  in  her  old  phiz,  that  she'll  forever  mind. 

And  Henrietta  Loring,  mother,  tied  crackers  to  the  tail 

Of  Deacon  Reed's  big  lazy  hound,  while  eating  from  a  pail ; 

And  goodness !  gracious  !  how  he  jumped,  and  dusted  for  the  shed ; 

And  in  a  moment  every  straw  was  blazing  in  his  bed. 


CELEBRATING   THE   4TH. 

And  you'd  have  died  of  laughter,  mother,  I'm  certain,  if  you  saw 
Old  Deacon  Reed  run  out  to  tramp  upon  the  burning  straw ; 
And  when  he  ran  to  get  the  hose — for  tramping  would  not  do — 
His  wig  blew  off,  and  down  the  street  for  half  a  block  it  flew. 


270  WIDE   AWAKE. 

I  know  it  was  not  proper,  mother,  and  I  ashamed  should  be 
To  stand  and  gag,  just  like  a  wag,  another's  loss  to  see ; 
But  'twas  a  sight  that  got  me  quite,  and  I'll  be  old  indeed 
When  I  forget  the  comic  look  of  that  old  Deacon  Reed. 

I've  got  a  rousing  pistol,  mother,  the  loudest  in  the  block ; 
And  I  have  filed  the  little  catch  that  holds  the  thing  at  cock, 
And  hardly  do  I  get  the  charge  of  powder  in  the  bore, 
When  off  it  goes  just  with  a  shake,  and  thunder !  what  a  roar ! 

So  sleep  on  if  you  can,  dear  mother,  and  have  no  thought  of  me, 
For  I'll  be  up  and  charging  round  before  there's  light  to  see. 
And  when  you  hear  a  bang  that  makes  the  ring  dance  in  your  ear, 
Then  you  can  bet  your  scissors,  mother,  that  I  am  somewhere  near. 


FIG-HTING-  IT  OUT  ON  THAT  LINE. 


JULY  5xH. 
"TTTHILE  crossing  Telegraph  Hill  this  evening  in  the 

»  »  vicinity  of  Francisco  Street,  I  witnessed  an. 
amusing  incident  which  has  kept  me  grinning  to  myself 
for  the  last  two  hours. 

A  couple  of  car-men  met  in  a  street  at  a  place  which 
needed  repairing.  One  cart  was  heavily  loaded.  The 
other  contained  but  a  few  sacks  of  coal. 

The  driver  of  Ko.  1  (heavy  load)  was  in  favor  of  sus 
pending  that  time  honored  clause  in  common  law,  which 
says,  "  turn  to  the  right."  Having  the  heavier  load  he 
wished  to  adopt  the  English  system : 

"  The  law  of  the  road  is  a  paradox  quite ; 

For  as  you  are  driving  along, 
If  you  go  to  the  left  you  are  sure  to  go  right, 

If  you  go  to  the  right  you  go  wrong." 

But  driver  No.  2  was  immovable  as  Caesar,  when  the 
conspirators  with  ready  weapons  knelt  around  him.  He 


272  HOW   THE   CAR-MEN   GOT   THEIR   RIGHTS. 

was  determined  to  enforce  his  prerogative,  even  to  the 
anchoring  of  his  opponent's  cart. 

No.  1  said  he  would  "stand  there  until  his  corns 
sprouted."  No.  2  replied  that  he  "wouldn't  budge 
until  his  corns  not  only  sprouted,  but  until  they  went  to 
seed,  or  he  would  have  his  rights." 

After  considerable  loud  talk  in  which  they  freely 
expressed  unqualified  opinions  of  each  other,  they  com 
menced  unhitching  their  horses  from  the  carts,  as  night 
was  setting  in,  and  quietly  started  off  to  their  respective 
stables. 

It  happened  they  had  met  directly  before  the  residence 
of  a  stout  Teuton  who  owns  a  large  brewery  at  North 
Beach.  They  had  scarcely  left  the  disputed  point  when 
the  brewer  arrived.  His  flushed  face  showed  he  had 
been  freely  testing  the  quality  of  his  malt  liquor.  He 
demanded  of  some  bystanders  how  the  carts  came  there. 
Being  informed  of  the  whys  and  wherefores  to  his  satis 
faction,  he  called  out  his  two  stout  sons  to  assist  in 
removing  the  unsightly  ornaments. 

The  united  efforts  of  the  three  soon  started  the  carts 
down  the  hill,  in  the  direction  of  the  bay,  like  a  battery 
of  flying  artillery.  It  was  only  a  few  rods  to  the  water, 
and  in  they  plunged,  one  after  the  other,  and  shot  out 
from  the  shore  like  things  of  life.  The  old  man  and  his 
sons  stood  upon  the  crest  of  the  hill  viewing  the  descent 
in  silence.  After  they  had  been  successfully  launched, 


A   RIGHTEOTJS  RESULT.  273 

the  trio  retired  into  the  house  with  that  self-satisfied  and 
confident  air  that  Emperor  William  and  his  two  warlike 
aids  might  exhibit  when  retiring  to  their  tent  after  a 
battle  in  which  the  enemy  was  routed.  To  some  of  the 
bystanders  this  seemed  rather  a  precipitate  proceeding ; 
but  to  my  untutored  mind  it  was  the  most  righteous  act 
I  had  witnessed  since  the  hanging  of  Casey  by  the  Yigi- 
lance  Committee. 

As  I  left  the  hill,  I  took  a  last  look  back  at  the  carts 
fast  growing  indistinct  in  the  gloom,  and  mist,  closing 
over  the  bay.  One  craft  was  hugging  the  shore  off 
Black  Point,  with  a  close  reefed  tail-board,  and  her 
wheel  well  under  water.  The  other  was  sinking  by  the 
stern,  but  still  scudding  under  bare  poles  in  the  direction 
of  Raccoon  Straits. 


12* 


JIM  DUDLEY'S  SERMON. 


JULY  STH. 

HEKE  AFTEK  I  shall  have  no  faith  in  reports.  Last 
week  I  heard  that  infamous  yarn-spinner  Jim  Dud 
ley  had  left  the  city,  and  was  congratulating  myself  on 
at  last  escaping  him.  But  my  congratulations  were  pre 
mature.  Last  night  he  called  upon  me,  and  kept  me  in 
torture  for  fully  two  hours ;  at  a  time,  too,  when  I  should 
have  been  asleep.  But  what  cared  he  for  that  ?  The 
scoundrel !  there  was  no  shaking  him  off.  He  sticks  to  a 
person  like  mortar  to  a  brick.  I  had  to  sit  and  listen, 
though  1  do  honestly  believe  every  word  the  fellow 
uttered  was  an  unqualified  lie ;  but  he  swears  to  its  truth, 
and  how  can  I  prove  it  other-wise.  It  is  better  to  take 
it  as  it  comes  and  ask  no  questions  for  conscience's  sake. 

"  I  never  told  you  about  the  sermon  I  preached  over 
in  Misertown  one  Sunday.  I  had  a  time  of  it  thar  and 
no  mistake.  Hold  on  till  I  shove  over  this  spittoon 
and  I'll  tell  you  how  it  was. 

"  You  see,  Gil  Bizby — that  derned  shirk,  I  never  men- 


AN   UNPROFITABLE    GENIUS. 


275 


tion  his  name  but  what  I  feel  like  cussin'  of  him — but 
he  was  a  genius  though  and  no  foolin'  about  it,  a  natural 
born  inventor,  chock  full  of  notions  as  a  toy  shop. 

"  But  some  how  or  another  he  never  could  bring  any 
thin'  to  a  payin'  focus.  Allers  whittlin'  and  borin'  and 
plannin'  around  though.  "Wherever  you'd  meet  him 
he'd  be  haulin'  out  of  his  pocket  some  derned  old  drawin', 


SOMETHING   NEW. 

with  more  wheels  and  contrivances  pictured  out  on  it 
than  you  could  think  of  in  a  twelve  hours,  dream.  He 
never  could  git  the  cap  sheaf  onto  his  endeavor.  Allers 
somethin'  amiss ;  a  wheel  too  many,  or  another  one 
wantin',  or  too  many  cogs  to  have  the  thing  work  just 
right. 

He  invented  a  contrivance  for  pluckin'  chickens. 


276  POOR    ENCOURAGEMENT. 

"  That  was  a  rustler.  He  shoved  the  fowl  through  a 
machine  somethin'  like  a  corn  sheller,  and  gin  'em  an 
electric  shock  while  passin'  along,  and  shot  'em  out  of 
a  spout  at  t'other  end  of  the  machine  as  bare  as  weavers' 
shuttels.  He  didn't  make  anythin'  out  of  it  though. 
He  had  to  chuck  'em  through  while  alive,  you  see,  and 
that  clashed  with  the  law.  "When  he  took  the  machine 
down  to  the  city  to  introduce  it  to  the  pultry  dealers, 
the  society  fellers  who  look  out  for  the  interests  of  dumb 
critters  got  arter  him  and  sewed  him  up.  They  put  a 
reef  in  his  jib  pooty  durned  quick  now,  I  can  tell  you. 

"  They  were  passin'  along  through  the  market  one 
day,  and  they  saw  Gil  just  a  humpin'  himself  showin' 
off  the  apparatus  to  the  market  men.  He  was  crankin' 
and  purnpin'  away,  like  a  sailor  when  there's  fifteen  feet 
of  water  in  the  hold,  and  still  rizin,  and  the  chickens 
were  a  screamin'  and  a  scootin1  through  the  contrivance, 
close  as  if  they  were  run  on  a  string  head  ag'inst  tail, 
and  just  a  cloud  of  feathers  ho  verm'  around  over  it. 
Didn't  they  fasten  on  to  that  Gil  Bizby  though  ?  They 
snatched  him  up  quicker  than  if  he  had  been  hoss-stealin', 
and  confiscated  his  plucker,  .and  tucked  an  alfired  heavy 
fine  onto  him  besides. 

"  Meetin'  with  such  poor  encouragement  in  that  direc 
tion  he  went  back  to  Scull eyville,  and  set  out  to  invent 
a  thunderin'  great  machine  for  layin'  cobble-stones. 
That  was  jest  him  all  over;  allers  startin'  in  to  git  up 
some  outlandish  lookin'  thing.  This  machine  was  a 


A    TRAGEDY. 


277 


crusher  and  no  gettin'  round  it.  It  was  fearful  enough 
to  make  a  cow  slip  her  cud,  I'll  be  durned  if  it  wasn't. 
It  looked  somethin'  like  Noah's  ark  set  on  wheels  and 
filled  with  all  kinds  of  machinery. 

"  He  started  in  to  experiment  one  moonlight  night  in 
front  of  the  court  house,  but  got  the  main  belt  crossed 
or  somethin',  I  disremember  just  what,  and  Jerusalem  ! 
in  less  than  ten  minutes  he  ran  the  whole  population  out 
to  the  foot  hills  in  thar  night  clothes.  There  wasn't  no 
stoppin  the  durned  thing.  Poor  Gil  was  knocked 
senseless  at  the  first  revolution,  and  nobody  else  kno wed 
how  to  control  it.  It  rolled  the  whole  length  of  the 
square,  tearin'  up  the  stones  it  had  pounded  down  the 
day  before  and  sendin'  of  'em  buzzin'  over  the  village 
in  all  directions. 

-ii  No  home  was  sacred,  and  no  head  was  safe,  as  the 
poet  has  it.  Poor  old  Mrs.  Scooley  lived  just  long  enough 
to  learn  this,  and  no  longer.  She  was  goin'  once  too 
often  to  git  her  beer  pitcher  filled  at  the  corner  grocery 
that  night,  and  a  stone  took  her  in  the  small  of  the  back 
as  she  was  enterin'  the  door,  and  it  h'isted  her  clear  over 
the  counter  astride  of  a  barrel ;  it's  true  as  I'm  tellin'  it 
to  you.  Poor  old  body  ;  she  was  the  pioneer  female  of 
the  village  too.  The  first  woman  to  wash  a  shirt  in 
Sculleyville.  But  arter  all,  the  town  wasn't  much  loser 
by  her  passin'  away. 

"  She  was  a  sort  of  panicky  old  critter  anyhow,  always 
scary  about  catchin'  the  small  pox  or  any  other  prevailin' 


278 


GIL   BIZBY   BELIEVES   THE   DOCTOR. 


disease  that  come  around.  The  old  village  physician 
said  he  would  ruther  see  the  very  devil  makin'  towards 
him  on  the  street  than  old  Mrs  Scooley. 

"  Comin'  from  church  or  market,  as  the  case  might  be, 
she  would  fasten  on  to  him  like  a  wood-louse  to  a  leaf, 
and  he  couldn't  git  rid  of  her  nohow.  She  would  have 
him  time  her  pulse  right  thar  on  the  sidewalk ;  and  be  a 
shovin'  of  her  old  red  tongue  out  for  his  inspection. 


THE  DOCTOR'S  SCOURGE. 


And  she  did  have  such  an  unlimited,  wallopin'  great 
tongue  too ;  it  seemed  when  she  was  shovin'  of  it  out,  as 


A   DOCTOR   THAT   SAW  SOMETHING   NEW.  279 

though  she  was  actewelly  throwin'  up  her  liver.  It's  so, 
by  Jingo  !  People  would  be  a  stoppin'  and  standin'  thar, 
wonderin'  what  in  thunder  was  the  matter  with  the  old 
pelter — that  is,  people  that  didn't  know  her  peculiarities; 
though  most  everybody  in  the  village  had  seen  her 
stan din'  in  that  position  so  often,  that  they  would  be 
more  surprised  to  see  her  with  her  tongue  in  her  head, 
than  projectin'  out  in  the  rain. 

"  The  old  Doctor  used  to  be  terribly  annoyed.  He 
would  say,  kind  of  hurriedly  like,  because  he  would  be 
itchin'  to  git  away  from  her : 

"  '  Oh  !  you're  all  right  I  reckon,  Mrs.  Scooley ;  but  you 
had  better  be  a  gittin'  along  home,  and  not  stand  too 
long  in  the  cold  air,  with  so  much  of  your  internal  organs 
exposed  to  the  weather,  or  the  result  may  be  fearful  if 
not  fatal !' 

"  That  would  ginnerally  start  her  off  pooty  lively 
towards  her  shanty.  They  say  the  first  time  the  Doc 
tor  saw  her  tongue  he  was  surprised  so  much  that  he 
looked  actewelly  skeered.  Says  he :  <  I've  been  nigh 
unto  eight  and  thirty  years  a  practicin'  physician,  and 
until  this  moment  I  flattered  myself  that  I  was  familiar 
with  all  the  ins  and  outs  of  the  profession.  But  I  am 
free  to  confess  that  I  begin  to  think  I  gin  over  the  dis- 
sectin'  knife  too  soon,  for  here's  somethin'  that  I  was 
not  prepared  for  ;  I'll  be  durned  etarnally  if  I  ever  did 
see  so  much  flesh  about  the  human  form  before,  with 
out  some  bone  connected  with  it.' 


280  MR.    SERMONSLIOE   THE   NEW   MINISTER. 

"  But  that's  not  tellin'  you  about  the  sermon,  is  it  ?  but 
when  I  mentioned  that  Gil  Bizby,  I  sort  of  wandered  off 
arter  him  and  his  durned  contrivances.  Wai,  as  I  was 
about  to  tell  you,  Gil  and  I  were  saunterin'  around 
Misertown  one  Sunday,  and  we  saw  any  number  of  gals 
goin'  into  the  school  house  where  the  preachin'  was  car 
ried  on.  So  we  concluded  to  step  in  and  git  a  better 
3ook  at  some  of  'em.  I  didn't  know  many  of  the  people 
round  thar,  but  from  what  I  had  heard  I  judged  they 
were  the  meanest,  close-fistedest  set  of  sinners  that  ever 
had  the  gospil  scattered  amongst  'em. 

"  I  understood  they  had  treated  their  minister  plaguy 
mean  when  he  fust  come  thar  to  look  arter  souls.  Thar 
was  no  regular  place  for  him  to  stop,  you  see,  and  they 
agreed  amongst  themselves  to  take  turns  a  keepin'  him 
until  they  could  git  a  house  up  for  him.  He  was  one 
of  those  young,  easy,  green  kind  of  fellers  that  had 
seemin'ly  never  been  so  far  away  from  home  before  but 
what  he  could  see  the  smoke  of  his  father's  chimney,  or 
smell  his  mother's  corn-dodgers  burnin'.  And  they 
soon  took  advantage  of  it,  and  sort  of  played  button 
with  him,  shovin'  him  around  from  one  to  another  as 
though  he  was  too  hot  to  hold. 

"  He  fust  went  to  a  feller  by  the  name  of  Wigglewort. 
Ses  Wig,  i  I'm  really  very  sorry,  Mr.  Sermonslice,  (that 
was  the  minister's  name,  queer  one  too,  wasn't  it  ?)  but 
we  unfortunately  have  no  accommodations  for  you  at 
present.  We  have  no  place  for  you  to  sleep  'thout  we 


BATHER    PARTICULAR.  281 

pat  you  in  the  same  room  that  our  daughter,  woman 
grown,  occupies.  Of  course  you  would  objict  to  any 
such  accommodations  as  that,  of  course  you  would,  it's 
to  be  expected  of  ye,  Mr.  Sermonslice.  Besides,'  he  con- 
tin' ed,  (for  he  was  a  mean  one  and  no  dodgin'  it ;  exceptin' 
his  neighbor,  Strawsaver,  you  couldn't  find  a  meaner 
cuss  if  you  were  to  offer  a  reward  for  one,  than  that  old 
"Wigglewort,)  '  besides,  she  walks  in  her  sleep  sometimes, 
and  she  might  be  gittin'  up  and  disturbin'  of  ye.'  I'll  be 
durned  if  he  didn't  skeer  that  minister  right  thar. 

" i  Oil !  certainly  I'd  objict  to  it.  Most  assuredly  I'd 
objict  to  it.  I  couldn't  for  a  moment  think  of  aceeptin' 
such  accommodations,'  he  answered  hurriedly,  just  that 
way.  As  he  spoke  he  blushed  clear  down  as  far  as  you 
could  see  for  his  shirt  collar.  i  However  harmless  your 
daughter  might  be,'  he  contin'ed, i  my  standin'  in  society 
compels  me  to  look  further  before  acceptin'  such  accom 
modations.  I  will  step  over  to  Mr.  Strawsaver's,  and 
stop  with  him  a  short  time.  He  has  a  large  house  and 
no  family,  I  understand,  exceptin'  his  wife,  and  I  reckon 
it  will  not  inconvenience  him  much  to  give  me  lodgin's.' 

"  "Wai,  he  went  over  thar  sure  enough.  And  what  do 
you  think  that  old  Strawsaver  said  to  him?  Did  he 
take  him  ?  2s"ot  much  he  didn't.  He  gin  him  his  supper 
and  pooty  soon  arter  he  beckoned  him  one  side  quietly, 
jest  that  way,  and  ses  he,  low  and  seriqus  like : 

"  <  Thar's  somethin'  troubles  me,  Mr.  Sermonslice. 
I've  been  thinkin'  over  it  all  the  evenin'.  I'm  mi'ty 


282  WOULD    KATHER   BE    SOMEWHERE    ELSE. 

sorry  that  you  happened  to  come  just  at  this  time  of  all 
the  year  the  most  embarrasin'.  It's  not  but  what  I 
would  like  to  have  you  stop  with  us.  I  would,  indeed, 
Mr.  Sermonslice,  consider  it  an  honor  to  have  you  in 
the  house.  But  the  fact  is,  the  present  is  not  a  very 
pleasant  season  for  a  single  gentleman  to  be  around  the 
place.  You  understand  I  presume, — my  wife — you 
know, — any  hour, — hoss  harnessed  in  the  stable  night 
and  day.  A  hint  to  the  wise  is  enough,  I  reckon,  Mr. 
Sermonslice.  He !  he !  he !  Unfortunate,  isn't  it  ? 
Bought  a  cradle  this  afternoon.  Stirrin'  times  around 
here  before  long  I  reckon.  You  would  no  doubt  ruther 
be  somewhere  else  about  that  time,  Mr.  Sermonslice,  of 
course  you  would,'  he  went  on  just  in  that  broken  way, 
and  the  hul  time  a  p'intin'  backward  with  his  thumb 
towards  his  wife,  who  was  workin'  around  as  unproduc 
tive  as  a  snow-drift. 

"  The  old  cuss  did  that  just  to  skeer  the  parson  off, 
and  he  did  it,  too.  Oh !  you  bet,  he  skeered  him. 
Though  he  wasn't  any  of  the  smartest,  he  wasn't  such  a 
greeny  but  what  he  could  cry  i  skunk !'  arter  one  of  the 
critters  had  come  within  hailin'  distance,  and  introduced 
itself. 

"  So  he  said,  '  Oh !  certainly,  Mr.  Strawsaver,  I  would 
ruther  be  somewhere  else,'  blushin'  as  he  spoke  clear 
down  e'enmost  to  the  waistbands  of  his  breeches.  '  I'm 
ever  so  much  obliged  to  ye  for  tellin'  me  in  time.  I'll 
take  advantage  of  your  hint  and  git  away  immediately. 


A   MINISTER    TAKEN   IN    AT   LAST. 


283 


Good  evenin',  Mr.  Strawsaver,  good  evenin',  good  eve 
ning'  he  contin'ed  hurriedly,  like  that,  snatchin'  up  his 
bundles  as  he  was  talkin'.  Tuckin'  his  Bible  under  his 
arm,  he  started  out  into  the  night  as  though  his  life 
depended  upon  the  most  prompt  kind  of  action.  He 
wasn't  within  hailin'  distance  inside  of  three  minutes. 

"  He  went  over  and  succeeded  in  gettin'  lodgin's  with 
a  feller  named  Joe  Grimsby,  who  lived  over  by  Frog 
Marsh. 

"  He  was  too  denied  lazy  to  do  his  own  prayin',  and 


JOE,    GR1MSBV. 


while  the  parson  stopped  with  him  he  got  rid  of  it. 
They  do  say  he  was  the  laziest  old  Christian  that  ever 


284  IMPROVING   THE   TIME. 

clasped  his  hands,  and  turned  up  his  eyes  to  watch  the 
flies  crawlin'  upon  the  ceilin'.  He  used  to  say  a  praar 
at  the  beginnin'  of  the  month,  and  on  the  followin'  nights 
he  would  only  allude  to  it  in  a  sort  of  matter-of-fact  way. 
1  You  know  my  feelin's  towards  ye,  Lord.  Nothin'  hid 
from  ye  I  reckon.  I  haven't  changed  my  sentiments 
yet.  If  I  do  I'll  let  ye  know  of  it.  I'll  keep  nothin' 
back  from  you,  though  it  should  take  the  har  off.'  He 
would  go  on  in  that  business  like  way,  and  the  hul  time 
be  a  crawlin'  into  bed. 

"  Wai,  as  I  was  goin'  to  tell  you,  Gil  and  I  poked  into 
the  buildin',  and  sat  down  thar  amongst  the  congrega 
tion. 

"  The  minister  hadn't  come  yet,  and  pooty  soon  an  old 
feller  got  up,  and  ses  he,  c  It  may  be  the  minister  has 
had  a  late  breakfast  and  will  not  git  here  for  some  time 
yet.  In  the  meantime,  as  it's  a  dry  season  and  our  crops 
need  a  shower  of  rain,  we  mout  as  well  have  a  little 
prayin'  goin'  on.  "We  can't  do  much  harm  any  how, 
and  we  may  be  the  means  of  bringin'  down  a  good 
smart  shower  that  will  be  money  in  our  pockets  in  the 
long  run.' 

"  He  asked  several  to  take  hold  and  do  somethin'  in 
that  way,  but  one  had  a  cold,  and  another  one  was  just 
gettin'  over  the  mumps.  And  so  on  they  went  makin' 
excuses.  Finally  the  old  feller  turned  to  me,  and 
ses  he :  '  Perhaps  you  would  lead  us  in  praar,  you  look 
like  one  who  has  often  trod  the  road  to  Zion.' 


A    SUBSTITUTE    FOR    THE    MINISTER.  285 

"  I  thanked  him  for  the  compliment,  but  told  him  I 
was  somethin'  like  the  officers  in  the  army — I  would 
ruther  f oiler  than  lead.  But  he  stuck  to  me  like  a  Jew 
to  a  customer.  Arter  a  while  I  consented,  and  jest  as 
I  was  about  startin'  in,  a  feller  come  in  and  said  the 
minister  had  got  a  terrible  ticklin'  in  his  throat  caused 
by  partly  swallowin'  a  har  in  the  butter  over  to  old  Joe 
Grimsby's,  and  couldn't  attend  to  his  duties  that  day. . 
So  the  old  cuss  got  up  ag'in,  and  ses : 

"  l  We  won't  have  any  preachin'  then,  without  some 
person  present  will  volunteer  to  act  in  our  pastor's  place 
this  morninV  But  no  one  spoke  up.  '  Perhaps,'  he 
ses,  turnin'  to  me,  you  would  favor  us  by  conductin'  the 
service,  young  man.  You  doubtless  are  competent  to 
perform  that  pious  duty.' 

"  This  sort  of  got  me  in  the  door.  Then  the  thought 
struck  me  perhaps  I'd  make  somethin'  out  of  'em  by  it. 
Besides  I  didn't  want  to  plead  ignorance  right  thar 
amongst  'em,  so  gettin'  up  I  ses :  '  This  is  somewhat 
unexpected.  Honors  foller  one  another  pooty  fast,  as 
the  feller  said  when  his  wife  had  triplets.'  With  that 
I  got  into  the  pulpit  and  began  to  look  down  at  'em  pooty 
seriously.  Thar  was  no  Bible  on  the  desk,  so  I  asked  if 
thar  was  any  person  that  would  loan  me  one  for  the 
occasion. 

"  Some  of  'em  spoke  up  and  said  they  had  Bibles,  but 
were  in  the  habit  of  keepin'  'em  to  foller  along  arter  the 
minister,  and  correct  him  when  he  made  a  mistake. 


286  LONG  OB  SHOKT  METRE. 

Besides  they  liked  to  see  how  he  worked  out  the  text. 
I  looked  at  'era  some  time  pooty  hard.  I  thought  they 
laid  over  anythin'  I  had  come  across  for  some  time,  and 
1  had  a  good  mind  to  git  down  ag'in,  only  I  allowed 
they'd  laugh  at  me. 

"  So  I  ses,  '  All  right,  you  can  keep  your  Bibles.  I 
reckon  I  have  enough  of  the  Scriptures  by  heart  to  git 
along  without  one.  We  will  commence  the  service  by 
the  choir  singin'  Old  Hundred,'  I  ses  jest  that  way. 

"  '  Short  or  long  meter  ?'  inquired  the  leader  of  the 
singers,  who  were  settin'  over  in  the  corner.  I  didn't 
exactly  understand  him.  As  I  knowed  he  was  in  the 
habit  of  meetin'  Sal  Clippercut  over  to  Mrs.  Curry's 
every  Sunday  afternoon,  I  allowed  he  was  askin'  for 
somethin'  shorter,  as  he  was  longin'  to  meet  her.  I 
spoke  up  pooty  sharp  and  ses,  '  You  will  please  sing 
what  I  gin  you  to  sing.  I  reckon  you  aren't  longin'  to 
meet  her  so  bad  but  what  you  can  wait  until  arter  the 
service  is  over.  She'll  keep  that  long  I  reckon  without 
spilin'.  I  know  her.  She  isn't  none  of  your  Spring 
chickens  nuther,'  I  contin'ed,  just  like  that,  and  you 
ought  to  have  seen  the  way  he  looked  ;  and  the  gals  com 
menced  to  snicker  and  crowd  thar  handkerchiefs  into 
thar  mouths. 

"One  little  red-faced  critter  that  sat  alongside  of  him 
tittered  right  out.  Her  mother  who  was  sittin'  near  by 
jumped  up  and  ses  :  '  Becky  Jane,  you  go  right  straight 
hum  this  minute  and  go  to  peelin'  the  'taters  for  dinner.' 


AN    OLD   SISTER  MAKES   A   SPEECH.  287 

But  a  feller  who  looked  as  though  his  mother  had  been 
chased  by  a  nigger  who  could  run  faster  than  she  could, 
got  up  and  ses  : 

"  <  The  gal  isn't  to  blame  in  the  least.  It's  that  feller 
in  the  pulpit  thar.'  1  for  one  don't  want  to  hear  any 
more  of  his  lingo.'  '  Wai  then,  you  can  stuff  wool  in 
your  ears/  I  ses,  '  and  you  won't  have  far  to  go  to  get  it 
nuther,'  I  contin'ed  just  that  way,  alludin'  to  his  own 
ha'r  which  was  pooty  woolly. 

"  You  ought  to  see  how  they  looked,  fust  at  him,  then 
at  me.  He  colored  up  I  reckon,  but  he  was  too  black 
to  show  it.  I  heard  him  grit  his  teeth  from  whar'  I 
was  standin'.  He  didn't  say  any  more,  but  an  old 
woman  who  was  settin'  near  the  pulpit,  jumped  up  and 
ses  she: 

" '  The  house  of  worship  is  turned  into  a  thayeter ! 
When  a  numtybank  gets  into  the  pulpit  it  is  high  time 
for  respectable  people  to  be  movin'.  I'll  leave !'  she 
exclaimed,  pullin'  her  shawl  around  her  shoulders  and 
beginnin'  to  bustle  out  of  her  seat. 

" '  Wai,  ye  kin  go !'  I  hollered,  jest  that  way, — for  I 
was  beginnin'  to  git  sort  of  riled  at  the  way  things 
war  a  goin'.  When  I'm  talkin'  politics  or  arguin'  over 
the  merits  of  whisky,  I  can  bear  crossin'  like  a  Catholic 
bury  in'  ground.  But  right  thar  in  the  pulpit  where  a 
feller  had  to  be  choice  of  his  language,  it  was  different 
business.  l  Ye  kin  go,'  I  ses.  '  Souls  kin  be  saved 
without  you  I  reckon.  We're  willin'  to  chance  it  any 


288  THE    OLD    LADY    WELL    STIRRED    UP. 

bow.  Take  your  knittin'  along,  don't  leave  that  behind,' 
I  contin'ed,  pointin'  to  the  seat  as  though  I  saw  it  lyin' 
thar.  I  didn't  though,  but  I  wanted  to  give  the  old 


TRUTH    IS   POWERFUL. 


heifer  a  mi'ty  hard  rub,  for  I  suspected  her  piety  was 
put  on,  and  that  she  was  displeased  because  nobody 
seemed  to  be  noticin'  her  new  bonnet. 

"  The  hul  congregation  took  it  for  granted  that  the 
knittin'  was  thar,  and  you  ought  to  have  seen  'em  stretchin' 
and  cranin'  out  thar  necks  as  far  as  they  could  to  get  a 
look  into  the  pew.  One  old  feller  that  sot  back  pooty 
far,  craned  out  kind  of  quarterin'  ruther  suddenly  and 
his  neck  gin  a  crack  like  a  bon  bon.  He  commenced 
oh !  ohin'  and  tryin'  to  git  it  back  to  its  old  position 


SHE    RETIRES    IN    DISORDER.  289 

ag'in,  but  he  couldn't  until  his  wife  went  to  rubbin'  and 
ehafin'  of  it,  right  thar. 

"  But  that  old  woman,  whew !  She  was  as  mad  as  a 
wet  hen.  She  couldn't  hardly  find  the  door  she  was  so 
mixed  up.  When  she  finally  got  thar  she  turned  round 
and  straightenin'  of  herself  up  she  ses,  "  Young  man ! " 
— Before  she  got  any  further  I  broke  in  on  her,  for  I 
judged  she  had  a  tongue  that  was  hung  in  the  middle. 
So  I  ses,  '  That'll  do,  that'll  do,  Mrs.  You  kin  move 
along.  You're  disturbin'  the  peace  of  the  congregation, 
and  showin'  your  false  teeth  mi'ty  bad  into  the  bargain/ 

"  She  got  out  arter  that  pooty  lively,  now  I  can  tell 
you.  I  could  see  the  old  pelter  as  she  went  up  the 
road  towards  her  home,  and  two  or  three  times  she 
stopped  and  turnin'  around  acted  as  though  she  had 
half  a  mind  to  come  back  and  try  the  hul  thing  over 
ag'in.  But  arter  standin'  thar  a  while  thinkin'  like  a 
pig  when  it's  listenin'  to  the  grass  takin'  root,  she  would 
shake  her  head  and  move  along  up  the  turnpike  as 
though  she  concluded  she  had  enough  of  that  kind  of 
pie.  I  reckon  she  thought  she  run  across  somethin' 
that  it  wasn't  very  good  policy  to  stir  up  very  much 
just  thar,  as  the  man  said  when  he  found  the  pole-cat 
crawlin'  around  his  cellar. 

"  This  piece  of  performance  sort  of  throwed  me  off 
the  track.  While  1  was  standin'  thar  thinkin'  where  to 
start  in  with  the  discourse,  Gil  Bizby  come  a  crawfishin' 

up  the  steps  to  one  side  of  me  and  whisperin'  ses,  *  I 
13 


290  GIL    BIZBY    GIVES   ADVICE    ON   PREACHING. 

say,  Jim,  you  haven't  got  to  chock  blocks  already,  have 
ye?' 

"  '  !N"o,'  I  answered,  i  I  ain't  got  to  chock  blocks,  but 
I've  got  the  ropes  twisted  around  and  things  look  ginner- 
ally  mixed  jist  now,  I  can  tell  ye.' 

" < You  haVt  got  in  the  openin'  praar — that's  what's 
amiss,'  he  whispered. 

" c  Thunder !'  I  ses,  <  I  can't  pray  worth  a  cuss.  If 
souls  were  as  easily  saved  as  white  turnips,  I  couldn't 
begin  to  git  one  that  way.  I  must  do  it  by  reasonin'. 
I  want  to  git  around  the  prayin'  part  of  the  service  if  I 
kin,  for  it's  so  long  since  I  did  anythin'  in  that  line,  I 
hardly  know  where  amen  comes  in.' 

" '  Wai,  start  in  on  the  sermon  at  once  then,'  he 
urged,  '  for  they  are  gettin'  mi'ty  impatient  now  I  can 
tell  you.  You've  got  to  be  doin'  somethin1  pooty  quick. 
But  whatever  you  do,'  he  contin'ed  i  don't  git  up  very 
high  without  havin'  some  idea  how  you  are  goin'  to 
git  down  ag'in.  Keep  steerin'  around  waters  that  you've 
piloted  over  before.  Remember  a  blind  mouse  shouldn't 
venture  very  far  from  its  hole,  especially  if  thar's  a 
whole  generation  of  cats  watchin'  of  it.' 

"  With  that  he  backed  down  to  his  seat  ag'in,  and 
took  out  his  pencil  and  began  to  design  a  machine  for 
pickin'  the  bones  out  of  fish,  on  the  fly-leaf  of  a  praar- 
book  that  was  lyin'  thar.  So  I  started  in  on  the  ser 
mon.  It  wasn't  much  of  a  sermon  to  be  sure.  It  was 


A   TEXT   HAED   TO   FIND.  291 

more  like  a  lectur'.  I  couldn't  think  of  any  passages  of 
scriptur'  just  then,  so  I  gin  'em  the  line  from  the  philos 
opher,  'Why  does  the  frightened  dog  carry  his  tail 
betwixt  his  legs  when  he  runneth  ? ' 

"You  ought  to  have  seen  'em  rustlin'  and  turnin'  the 
leaves  of  thar  Bibles  huntin'  to  find  the  passage.     One 


MJR.    SPUDD. 


old  feller  by  the  name  of  Spudd  commenced  to  paw- 
over  the  pages,  and  his  wife  ses,  *  Don't  go  that  way  ; 
turn  back  to  the  Book  of  Job.'  He  looked  round  at  her 
with  his  under  lip  stickin'  out  jest  that  way,  arter  wettin' 
of  his  thumb  to  start  turnin'  over  ag'in,  and  ses,  '  Job 
be  biled  and  buttered !  I  kin  pick  old  Solomon  from 
amongst  a  thousand  of  'em.  He  was  sound  on  the  goose, 
old  Sol  was.' 

"  Two  or  three  of  'em  started  in  to  ask  me  where  the 
text  was  located,  but  I  kept  talkin'  right  straight  along, 
lookin'  around  to  all  of  'em  at  once  and  no  one  in  par- 


292 


NO   MORE   INTERRUPTIONS. 


ticular.  I  didn't  gin  'ein  a  chance  to  stop  me  ag'in,  or 
git  a  word  in  edgeways.  One  singular  lookin'  old  coon 
with  a  weed  on  his  hat  got  up  and  stood  signalin'  of 


THE    OLD    INTERROGATOR. 


me,  and  waitin'  and  watchin'  for  a  chance  to  ask  me 
somethin'.     But  I  never  let  on  to  see  him.     I  reckon  he 


THE  MEETING   OUT.  293 

stood  thar  five  minutes  with  his  finger  up  pointin'  to 
attract  my  attention,  and  his  mouth  open  so  wide,  that 
from  my  elevated  position  I  could  tell  what  he  had 
swallowed  for  breakfast. 

"  I  gin  'em  a  sort  of  ramblin'  discourse,  alludin'  to  the 
prevailin'  passions,  and  errors  of  the  age.  Amongst 
other  things  I  touched  on  jealousy  a  little, — I  wanted  to 
hit  one  feller  that  was  troubled  with  a  pooty  jealous 
wife.  She  caught  him  one  day  a  huggin'  of  the  spinnin' 
gal,  and  she  started  for  him  amazin'  lively.  He  thought 
to  git  out  of  the  door  before  she  overhauled  him,  and  he 
did. 

"  But  Jerusalem  !  just  as  he  crossed  the  threshold,  he 
got  the  contents  of  a  basin  that  happened  to  be  settin' 
on  the  stove,  and — wal,  he  eat  his  meals  standiu'  for  at 
least  two  weeks  arter  that  affair  anyhow.  When  I  said 
— quotin'  from  the  poet — '  Jealousy  in  the  wife  is  wuss 
than  trichina  in  the  pork,'  he  leaned  over  to  the  man 
settin'  in  the  next  pew  and  ses,  *  I  can't  tell  you  for  the 
life  of  me  whar  in  thunder  he  gits  the  passage,  but  it's 
the  gospil  truth  anyhow.' 

"  So  I  went  on  and  finished  the  sermon,  or  lecture 
ruther,  and  then  I  ses,  <  The  choir  will  please  sing 
the  hymn  beginnin'  "  Give,  give,  give  to  the  needy," 
arter  which  I  will  pass  around  amongst  the  congrega 
tion  and  take  up  a  collection  for  the  purpose  of  extendin' 
the  gospil  to  the  heathen  in  furrin  parts.' 

"  Jewhitteker !   You  ought  to  have   seen   'em  turn 


294: 


A   MEAN    MAN. 


around  and  look  at  each  other  when  I  said  that.  I  can't 
describe  it  to  you.  I  can't  do  the  scene  justiss.  If  I 
had  told  'em  I  was  the  prophet  Daniel  rizen  ag'in'  I 
could  hardly  have  started  'em  to  thinkin'  any  more  than 
I  did  by  tellin'  'em  about  that  collection  for  the  heathen 
in  furrin  parts. 

"Arter  two  or  three  abortive  attempts  the  singin' 
commenced.     I  closed  my  eyes,  and  leanin'  back  in  my 
chair  minister  like,  commenced  to  estimate  the  probable 
yield  of  each  pew.     "While  I  was  thinkin'  thar,  and  cal- 
'latin'  how  much  I  would  make  by  the  preachin'  bus 
iness,  I  noticed  the  singin'  dyin'  out,  and  a  dyin'  out 
slowly  like,  as  the  prisoner  said  his  hopes  were  when 
the  sheriff  was  a  f  umblin'  around  his  neck  adjustin'  the 
rope.     So  I  opened  my  eyes  easy  like,  as  though  comin' 
back  to  earthly  scenes  reluctantly,  and  you  can  water 
my  whiskey  if  I  wasn't  just  in  time  to  see  limpin'  Ned 
Scullet's  coat-tails  whiskin'  around  the  door  jamb,  the 
hindmost  rag  of  the  congregation.     "Women  and  chil 
dren  and  all  were  gone  sure  enough.     On  lookin'  out 
of  the  winder  I  see  'em  a  scatterin'  and  a  hustlin'  and 
elbowin'  themselves  ahead  of  each  other  along  the  turn 
pike,  as  though  thar  was  great  danger  in  bein'  left  behind. 
"  "Would  you  believe  it,  thar  was  that    gol-durned 
shirk  Gil  Bizby  a  cranin'  up  the  hill  a  leadin'  the  crowd. 
I  sat  thar  a  while  lookin'  after  'em  and  a  cussin'  of  'em. 
"  Comin'  down  I  began  to  look  around  a  little,  and 


HOW   THE   MINISTER   GOT   HIS   PAY.  295 

pooty  soon  I  noticed  that  several  of  'ern  left  tbar  hats 
they  were  in  such  a  hurry  to  git  out.  So  I  selected  a 
pooty  good  one  only  'twas  a  little  out  of  fashion,  and  put- 
tin'  it  on  I  ses  to  myself,  '  If  you  think  I'm  interested 
enough  in  your  derned  corky  souls  to  preach  to  you  for 
nothin',  you're  mistaken,  I  reckon.'  "With  that  I  walked 
out,  but  not  until  I  had  kicked  the  remainin'  hats  around 
the  room  pooty  lively. 

"  The  next  day  I  noticed  an  old  feller  with  a  dilapi 
dated  beaver  on,  that  looked  as  if  it  had  done  duty  on  a 
scarecrow  for  several  seasons,  sidlin'  up  to  me,  and 
circlin'  around  two  or  three  times  lookin'  mi'ty  close  at 
my  tile.  I'll  allers  think  it  was  his  stove-pipe,  but  he  was 
too  much  ashamed  to  come  right  out  and  lay  claim  to 
it. 

But  that  Gil  Bizby  !  durn  his  skin !  I  didn't  wonder 
so  much  at  the  congregation  dustin',  arter  all,  cause 
they  didn't  know  me,  but  he  ! — well,  no  matter,  I'll  git 
even  on  that  shirk  yet ;  if  I  don't  you  can  call  me  a 
Yank,  that's  all. 


THE  DISPUTED  WAY. 


JULY  STH. 

T^ESTEKDAY,  while  pursuing  a  lonely  and  intri- 
JL  cate  path  along  the  banks  of  a  small  creek  in  Napa 
County,  endeavoring  to  catch  a  few  trout,  I  ran  across 
the  following  rhyme,  written  on  a  piece  of  brown  paper, 
and  pinned  to  the  trunk  of  a  large  tree  standing  near 
the  head  of  the  cafton.  As  I  happen  to  know  the  angler 
mentioned,  and  that  he  has  been  trout  fishing  but  once 
this  season,  though  to  my  knowledge,  he  never  went 
less  than  a  dozeir times  during  other  seasons,  there  may 
be  some  truth  in  the  doggerel. 

u  Beneath  this  tree — a  drooping  larch — 
Upon  the  fifteenth  day  of  March, 
A  man  named  Biggs,  while  angling  trout, 
Surprised  a  bear.     He  turned  about, 
Nor  for  a  second  look  did  tarry, 


297 

Bat  fast  as  legs  could  body  carry 
He  bounded  down  the  rough  ravine, 
Until  he  placed  three  miles  between. 
Not  for  a  moment's  space  he  durst 
Pause  by  the  stream  to  slake  his  thirst, 
Though  all  the  fires  that  devils  know 
Seemed  in  his  breast  to  hiss  and  glow : 

Through  stinging  weeds  and  poison-oak, 
Without  a  swerve  he  headlong  broke — 
For  at  each  bound  increased  his  fear 
That  bruin's  paw  would  claw  his  rear, 
And  at  the  thought  fresh  vigor  flew 
Down  every  nerve  his  body  through. 
This  stream  is  now  of  fish  bereft, 
There's  hardly  one  seed  minnow  left ; 
From  shady  pool  and  glittering  fall 
The  angler's  rod. has  switched  them  all; 
With  bleeding  gill  and  quivering  fin 
They,  one  by  one,  -were  gathered  in ; 
But  never  since  that  morning  fair — 
On  which  he  met  that  grizzly  bear — 
Has  Biggs,  with  basket,  reel  and  rod, 
This  dark  and  lonesome  canon  trod." 

Whatever  truth  may  have  been  in  the  other  portion 
of  the  rhyme,  the  lines  alluding  to  the  scarcity  of  fish 
were  correct  in  every  particular.  In  my  tramp*  up  the 
creek,  I  hadn't  found  a  fish  possessing  moral  courage 
enough  to  tackle  bait.  What  few  I  saw  were  very 
small,  and  seemed  to  mistake  the  hook  for  a  larger  fish 
than  themselves,  and  displayed  great  trepidation  for 
fear  it  would  start  after  them,  and  gobble  them  up. 


THE  POISONED  PET. 


JULY  HTH. 

I  "WAS  over  in  Alameda  Park  the  other  day  at  a  pic 
nic.  A  lady  friend  insisted  on  tacking  her  pet  boy 
to  me  on  that  occasion.  As  she  couldn't  go  herself  she 
wanted  me  to  have  an  eye  to  "  sonney,"  and  see  that  he 
didn't  come  in  contact  with  poison-oak.  She  assured 
me  he  was  a  good  boy  and  would  mind  me  as  if  I  was 
his  father !  I  didn't  pine  for  the  pet's  company,  but 
could  not  very  well  refuse  her  request.  So  he  went 
with  me. 

I  very  soon  found  out  he  was  one  of  those  smart 
children,  who,  by  a  strange  freak  of  nature,  are  placed  in 
possession  of  an  impudence  that  prompts  them  to  believe 
they  know  more  at  the  age  of  eight  than  your  average 
adult. 

My  will  and  his  wishes  soon  clashed. 

Then  the  thought  entered  my  head  that  his  mother 
misrepresented  "sonney's"  obedient  nature.  "If  this 


HAVING   CHARGE   OF   A   GOOD   BOY.  299 

is  the  obedience  that  an  offspring  manifests  to  a  father," 
I  mentally  murmured,  "  it  were  better  to  want  the 
offspring."  The  boy  sauced  me.  He  even  went  so  far 
as  to  call  me  names  anything  but  nattering,  while  I  was 
sitting  in  the  presence  of  a  young  lady  I  most  ardently 
adored.  "  Go  on,  sonney !"  I  said  to  myself  savagely, 
"  go  on  precocious  youth,  there  are  no  raging  bears  in 
this  suburban  park  to  tear  the  flesh  from  the  bones  of 
mouthy  children  who  "  sauce  "  their  betters,  as  did  the 
animals  in  the  days  of  prophets  and  miracles.  But  the 
vengeful  gods  have  sprinkled  a  few  shrubs  around  here 
that  can  pile  the  flesh  on  to  a  persons  bones  to  an 
alarming  degree,  if  they  get  a  fair  chance." 

After  that  I  paid  no  attention  to  him.  He  ran  at  will, 
browsed  through  the  vines  like  a  hungry  deer,  and  bur 
rowed  into  the  very  heart  of  the  poison  oak  bushes,  with 
as  little  fear  as  a  quail  retiring  to  roost.  lie  enjoyed 
himself  immensely ;  so  he  informed  me  in  the  evening. 
I  am  glad  he  did,  for  he  is  having  a  quiet  time  of  it  now. 
I  saw  him  this  morning,  and  his  face  was  as  full  of 
expression  as  a  Christmas  pudding  new  rolled  from  the 
cloth.  I  think  my  lady  friend  will  not  be  over-anxious 
to  appoint  me  guardian  over  her  dutiful  son  at  another 
picnic.  On  the  next  page  is  a  sketch  of  "  sonney  "  as 
he  appeared  this  morning,  striving  to  recognize  me  by 
my  voice ;  which  he  failed  to  do,  however,  being  deaf 
as  he  was  blind. 


HAVING  A  QUIET  TIME. 


HEELS  UP  AND  HEAD  DOWN. 


JULY  14TH. 

TO-DAY,  I  chanced  to  witness  an  amusing  incident. 
A  pussy  old  gentleman  was  enjoying  the  luxury  of  a 
salt-water  bath  in  the  bay,  a  short  distance  from  the 
Lead  Works.  As  he  was  a  poor  swimmer — notwithstand 
ing  he  had  a  good  supply  of  blubber — he  attached  a 
couple  of  bladders  to  his  shoulders,  by  means  of  a  string 
under  his  arm-pits.  During  his  splashing  about,  and 
his  repeated  endeavors  to  strike  out  like  Cassius  bearing 
Caesar  from  the  troubled  waters  of  the  Tiber,  the  blad 
ders  changed  their  position  from  his  shoulders  to  his 
hips.  This  change  he  was  not  prepared  for,  and  the 
result  was  distressing  in  the  extreme.  He  immediately 
commenced  sinking — as  sailors  say — by  the  head.  In 
vain  would  he  make  long  and  desperate  reaches  toward 
the  bottom,  striving  to  anchor  his  feet  in  the  soft  sand. 
Just  as  his  toes  would  touch  the  bed  below,  the  buoy 
ancy  of  the  bladders  and  under-current  combined  would 
prevail  against  him. 

Up  would  coiue  his  pedal  extremities  to  the  surface, 


302  A   QUEER  FISH. 

and  consequently  down  he  would  go  head  first  like  a 
pearl  diver,  grasping  at  the  pebbles  beneath.  After 
making  a  commotion  in  the  water  like  the  screw  of  a  tug 
boat,  which  brought  small  crabs  and  craw-fish  to  the  top 
with  dismembered  limbs,  he  would  manage  to  get  his 
head  above  water  long  enough  to  get  a  mouthful  of  fresh 
air,  but  retire  immediately  below  to  digest  it.  Some 
Italian  fishermen  running,  in  from  the  offing  with  their 
day's  catch  of  rock-cod,  sighted  the  old  gentleman  beat 
ing  off  Presedio  Point.  They  mistook  him  for  a  "  devil 
fish,"  or  some  other  odd  looking  inhabitant  of  the  briny 
deep,  disporting  itself  in  the  sheltered  waters  of  the  bay. 
Getting  out  their  hooks  and  harpoons  ready  for  action, 
and  changing  course,  they  bore  down  with  all  possible 
speed  in  the  direction  of  the  singular  monster. 

The  wind  was  blowing  quite  fresh,  and  it  wasn't  long 
until  the  Italians  came  nigh  enough  to  ascertain  the 
real  state  of  affairs,  and  rescue  the  unfortunate  swimmer 
from  his  perilous  situation.  The  fishermen  rolled  the 
old  gentleman  over  a  keg  they  had  in  the  boat  for  half 
an  hour,  before  his  stomach  could  be  emptied  of  its 
washy  load  and  breathing  rendered  easy.  When  suffi 
ciently  relieved  to  admit  of  speech,  the  bather  gave  his 
rescuers  to  understand,  that  in  future  the  tide  might  ebb 
and  flow,  be  warm  as  milk  new  drawn  from  the  cow,  and 
tranquil  as  a  frozen  pond,  but  a  common  bath-tub 
would  be  oceans,  lakes,  and  rivers  to  him,  during  the 
remainder  of  his  life. 


FISHING-  FOB  A  WIFE. 


JTJLT  SOrn. 

AND  it  came  to  pass  about  the  year  one  thousand 
eight  hundred  and  seventy-three,  being  in  the 
autumn,  when  the  new  wine  was  oozing  from  the  press, 
and  the  corn  was  hardening  in  the  crib,  a  bachelor,  a 
farmer  of  great  possessions,  dwelling  in  the  valley  of 
Berryessa,  bent  above  his  resting  plow,  and  thus  com 
muned  with  himself: 

"  My  stacks  are  builded,  my  wine  is  dripping  from 
the  press,  the  ripe  ears  are  garnered  in  my  cribs,  my 
flocks  and  herds  feed  fat  upon  the  hills ;  and  yet,  because 
of  my  loneliness,  am  I  unhappy. 

"  I  will  arise  at  eve  and  repair  to  my  neighbor's  cot 
tage.  Peradventure  the  aged  widow  of  the  murdered 
gypsy  can  counsel  me." 

So  when  the  evening  hour  was  come,  the  farmer 
arose  and  sought  the  aged  widow's  abode. 

And  as  he  drew  nigh  to  the  cottage,  he  lifted  up  his 
eyes  and,  behold  !  the  crone  sat  upon  her  door  step. 

And  when  the  dame  looked   upon   the   farmer   she 


304 


SEEKING-   ADVICE. 


knew  his  heart  was  troubled ;  but  she  knew  not  the  cause. 

So,  lifting  up  her  voice  she  cried  inquiringly :  "  "What 

aileth  my  neighbor  ?    Has  aught  befel'thy  goods  ?    Has 


THE   CRONE. 


bruin  descended  from  the  mountains  to  worry  thy  flocks ! 
Or,    are   thy   stacks  consumed  ?   that   thus  you    droop 
your  eye-lids  to  the  path,  and  move  as  by  a  hearse." 
And  the  farmer  drawing  nigh  replied  :  "  My  flocks 


MONEY   MAKES   THE   MARE   GO.  305 

unharmed  graze  sleek  upon  the  hills  ;  my  stacks  stand 
unconsumed ;  yet  is  my  spirit  heavy,  because  my  walks 
are  lonely  and  my  bed  is  cold,  and  I  come  as  one  seeking 
an  advice." 

Then  answered  the  dame  reprovingly  :  "  Out  upon 
thee,  for  a  fusty,  dreamy  bachelor !  Go  take  to  thyself 
a  wife ;  then  will  thy  walks  be  no  more  lonely,  neither 
will  thy  bed  be  cold." 

But  he  answering  her  sorrowfully  said  :  "  Mock  me 
not,  good  madam,  but  look  with  pitying  eyes  upon  me, 
and  harken  to  my  voice. 

"  Behold  I  am  now  well  stricken  in  years,  my  body  is 
stooping  to  the  grave,  my  manners  like  my  hands  are 
rough ;  my  blood  like  my  hair  is  thin ;  and  my  teeth  but 
shine  in  memories  of  the  past. 

"  How  then  can  I  win  maidens'  hearts  ?  verily  I  say 
unto  you,  they  would  giggling  flee  from  before  me ;  no 
hope  for  me  remains ;  if  I  would  wed,  I  needs  must  wed 
a  squaw  !  "  And  his  countenance  fell. 

Then  was  the  crone  exceedingly  displeased,  because  he 
said,  "  I  needs  must  wed  a  squaw,"  and  she  answered 
him  derisively,  saying : 

"  Go  to  !  Ye  speak  as  with  the  beak  of  a  parrot,  and 
with  the  understanding  of  a  babe !  Are  ye  studied  in 
books  and  know  not  the  proverb,  '  A  golden  snare  will 
catch  the  wildest  hare  ?' 

"  Do  not  your  stacks  dot  the  vale  below  like  an  Egyp- 


306 

tian  camp?  Are  not  your  tanks  brimming  with  wine 
and  your  cribs  grinning  with  corn  ? 

"Do  not  your  cattle  graze  upon  an  hundred  hills? 
and  your  industrious  laborers  follow  in  the  furrow  ? 
And  are  ye  still  afeared  ?  Oh,  ye  of  doubting  mind  ! 

"  Go,  get  thee  to  thy  chest  and  take  to  thyself  suita 
ble  coin,  and  hasten  to  that  great  city  by  the  sea — 
whose  churches  point  to  heaven,  but  whose  people  bow 
to  gold. 

"  There  sojourn  for  a  season,  and  make  no  delay  in 
adorning  thyself  with  precious  stones. 

"Put  diamonds  upon  thy  bosom  and  rings  upon  thy 
fingers,  and  be  zealous  to  stand  in  the  hall-ways  and  in 
the  market-places,  and  in  the  houses  of  exchange. 

"  Seek  to  be  observed  of  the  people,  and  take  heed 
that  ye  look  upon  all  men  as  being  thy  servants. 

"  And  let  thy  wealth  be  noised  abroad. 

"  Then  shall  rise  up  in  the  house  of  mourning  the 
widow  of  a  month,  and  dry  her  weeping  eyes. 

"  Then  shall  the  maid  of  many  summers  lay  aside  her 
pets,  to  readjust  her  charms,  and  disinter  her  smiles. 

"  Then  shall  the  young  virgin,  when  her  parent  makes 
fast  the  door,  creep  out  some  other  way. 

"  Then  also,  shall  the  wife  eschew  her  husband,  yea, 
forsake  her  suckling  in  the  cradle. 

"  And  they  shall  come  trooping  as  with  the  voice  of 
birds  to  court  thy  smiles,  and  thy  manners,  or  thy 
years,  shall  be  as  the  silk  of  the  spider  in  your  way." 


HE    TAKES    AN    EARLY    START. 


307 


Then  was  he  exceedingly  glad  because  of  the  crone's 
advice,  and  he  went  away  to  his  own  home  rejoicing. 


MEANING    BUSINESS. 


And  on  the  morrow  he  arose  before  it  was  yet  day, 
and  saddled  his  mule,  and  journeyed  to  the  great  city 
by  the  sea,  and  lodged  at  the  house  of  a  friend. 


308 


A   NIBBLE   AT   THE   BAIT. 


And  he  made  haste  to  purchase  diamonds,  and  rubies, 
and  emeralds,  and  onyx-stones,  and  sapphires,  and  put 
massive  rings  upon  his  fingers,  and  seals  upon  his  chain. 


PARTNER   WANTED. 


And  even  as  the  crone  had  directed,  he  scrupled  not 
to  stand  in  the  hall-ways,  and  in  the  market-places,  and 
in  the  houses  of  exchange,  and  sought  to  be  observed  of 
the  people,  and  lived  as  a  man  having  great  possessions. 

And  not  many  days  after,  a  young  woman  of  that 
place  looking  from  her  window,  saw  that  the  stranger 


LYING   IN    WJLTT.  309 

shone  like  the  mid-day  sun,  even  so  much  that  her  heart 
was  warmed. 

So  she  called  the  keeper  of  the  house  aside  and  ques 
tioned  him  concerning  the  stranger,  saying : 

"  Who  is  this  stranger  that  lodgeth  in  thy  house,  who 
beams  with  jewels  like  the  noon-day  sun  ?  Make  him 
known  to  me,  for  he  is  a  choice  and  goodly  man,  and 
my  heart  warms  for  the  stranger." 

Then  answered  the  good  man  of  the  house,  "  He  is  a 
sojourner  from  the  valley  of  Berryessa,  a  man  of  great 
possessions ;  and  moreover,  take  heed  if  he  comes  in 
your  way,  that  ye  smile  graciously  upon  him,  for  be  it 
known  unto  you  he  is  a  bachelor,  who  cometh  amongst 
us  seeking  a  wife." 

Then  was  the  damsel  exceedingly  moved. 

And  she  laid  in  wait  for  the  stranger,  and  sought  to 
be  made  known  to  him,  that  she  might  compass  him 
about. 

And  when  it  came  to  pass  that  the  stranger  was 
brought  before  her,  she  smiled  graciously  upon  him,  and 
she  opened  her  mouth  and  spake  knowingly  of  barley, 
and  of  rye,  and  of  corn  in  the  ear,  and  of  tares. 

And  she  also  spake  of  four-footed  beasts,  of  calves,  of 
pigs,  and  of  goats,  and  cattle  after  their  kind ;  and  of 
fowls  ;  of  doves,  and  of  ducks,  and  of  geese,  and  poultry 
after  their  kind. 

And  she  spoke  also  of  cabbages,  and  of  squashes,  and 
of  turnips,  and  of  new  laid  eggs,  and  of  honey,  and 


310  SUCCESS   ON   BOTH   SIDES. 

of  buckwheat   cakes,  and  of  cheese,  and  of  sausages! 

And  lo  !  the  farmer's  heart  was  touched,  for  she  was 
comely  to  look  upon,  and  wise  withal. 

And  he  communed  within  himself,  saying :  "  surely 
this  maid  would  indeed  be  a  great  catch,  she  would 
make  her  husband's  home  cheerful,  and  in  divers  ways 
pluck  from  the  palm  of  life  the  festering  thorns.  Be- 
shrew  me,  but  I  will  lay  strong  siege  to  the  damsel's 
heart." 

So  he  made  haste  to  pull  wide  open  the  mouth  of 
his  purse  and  loaded  her  with  presents,  for  the  damsel 
had  found  favor  in  his  eyes,  and  he  sought  to  win  her. 

And  not  many  days  after  he  espoused  the  maiden, 
and  there  was  great  feasting  and  merry  making  at  that 
house,  and  the  same  was  heard  of  the  neighbors. 

And  the  bridegroom  drank  freely  of  the  wine  set 
before  him  as  one  overjoyed  ;  and  the  bride,  likewise,  as 
one  whose  days  of  care  are  passed,  tipped  often  the 
sparkling  glass. 

And  their  faces  grew  red  as  the  moon  grew  pale. 

And  it  came  to  pass  when  the  night  was  well  nigh 
spent  they  retired  to  their  chamber,  and  the  bride  knew 
not  when  the  groom  lay  down,  or  when  he  rose  up. 

And  on  the  following  day,  the  farmer  arose  and  took 
her  to  his  own  home,  in  the  valley  of  Berryessa,  and 
they  lived  together  for  the  space  of  three days. 

And  on  the  morning  of  the  fourth  day  the  wife  arose 
while  her  husband  was  yet  asleep  and  unmindful  of 


THE    HONEYMOON. 


311 


her ;  and  dressing  herself  with  all  possible  haste,  she 
went  out  into  the  field  and  saddled  a  mule,  and  turning 
his  head  towards  the  sea,  she  rode  away  from  that  house 
and  from  that  husband. 

And  people  that  labored  upon  the  hills  looked  down 
upon  her  as  she  fled  down  the  valley,  and  behold,  she 


THE   HAPPY    BRIDI. 


was  riding  toward  her  own   home  like  a    messenger 
bearing  tidings  of  great  import. 

So  she  forsook  her  husband  and  fled,  and  breathes  once 
more  the  air  of  that  great  city  by  the  sea.  And  again 
the  farmer's  heart  is  lonely,  and  again  his  bed  is  cold. 


A  WRATHFUL  SENOBITA 


AUGUST  IST. 

THIS  afternoon  while  crossing  Broadway,  at  the  inter 
section  of  Dupont  St.,  I  saw  an  affray  that  brought 
to  inind  the  oft  quoted  passage  "  Hell  hath  no  fury  like 
a  woman  scorned."  A  voluptuous  daughter  of  Spain 
figured  as  the  attacking  party.  It  appears  a  young  fel 
low  —  a  countryman  of  hers  —  succeeded  in  winning 
the  love  of  the  fair  Beatrice.  In  an  evil  hour,  beneath 
the  sweet  silver  light  of  the  gas  lamps,  young  Don 
Juan  accompanied  by  the  bride  that  was  to  be,  retired 
to  the  rural  districts. 

For  a  season,  in  felicity,  they  dwelt  and  loved.  But 
"  Love  bears  within  its  breast  the  very  germ  of  change." 

Soon  the  fickle  Don  forsook  the  young  brunette,  and 
returned  to  San  Francisco  to  make  new  conquests. 
The  deserted  woman  grew  desperate.  Being,  as  the 
Court  Journals  have  it,  "  in  an  interesting  way,"  there 
was  no  time  to  lose. 

Following  him  to  the  city,  she  armed  herself  with  a 


313 

revolver,  and  started  in  search  of  the  deceiver,  -whom 
she  soon  met  upon  the  street,  and  demanded  of  him 
what  he  was  going  to  do  for  her.  He  was  very  cool,  in 
fact,  icy,  toward  her.  He  even  went  so  far  as  to  inform 
her,  in  the  language  of  the  hump-backed  tyrant,  that 
she  "did "not  please  him  as  at  first."  With  that  he 
started  off.  Drawing  her  repeater,  without  more  ado, 
she  deposited  the  contents  of  one  chamber  in  his  back, 
and  was  about  to  double  the  dose,  when  he,  thinking 
one  was  sufficient,  if  after  being  taken  it  was  well 
shaken,  skedaddled  as  fast  as  nature  would  permit.  He 
ran  into  a  second-hand  furniture  store  kept  by  a  colored 
woman,  and  sought  concealment  in  an  inner  room. 

The  wrath  of  the  maid  of  Saragassa,  however,  was 
not  appeased.  On  the  contrary,  her  Oastilian  blood 
waxed  hotter  as  the  fray  progressed.  She  "  carried  the 
war  into  Africa"  by  charging  into  the  shop  after  her 
fleeing  seducer.  Here  she  was  met  by  the  stout  negress, 
who  had  lived  too  long  on  the  "  Barbary  Coast "  to  be 
a  stranger  to  war's  alarms.  She  seized  a  lounge,  and 
up-ending  it  in  the  door  prevented  the 'avenger  from 
following  her  victim  into  his  retreat.  With  a  demon 
strative  energy  truly  worthy  a  field  marshal,  the 
enraged  woman  thrust  her  hand  through  an  aperture  at 
the  side  of  the  lounge,  and  commenced  "  going  it  blind" 
at  the  old  colored  woman,  who  was  standing  prop  fash 
ion  against  the  barricade. 
14 


A  FEMALE'S  BAKKICADE. 


Before   she   succeeded   in   doing   the   negress   more 
injury  than  to  cut  a  groove  about  three  inches  long  in 


GOING    IT    BLIND. 


her  ebon  thigh,  an  officer  arrived  upon  the  scene,  and 
took  her  into  custody.  The  bullet  entered  near  the  spine 
and  went — the  Lord  knows  where,  but  the  doctors  don't. 
If  he  does  recover  he  will  probably,  the  remainder  of 
his  life,  be  able  to  sing  with  Dr.  "Watts,  "A  charge  to 
keep  I  have." 


A  STRANGER  AND  THEY  TOOK  HIM  IN. 


AUGUST  TTH. 

JOHN  SPARSHACKLE  is  a  sea-faring  man,  who 
arrived  in  San  Francisco,  on  the  ship  Sea  Mew. 
During  a  long  cruise  he  earned  over  two  hundred  dol 
lars,  which  amount  he  received  in  silver  coin  upon 
arrival  in  this  port. 

This  was  a  sum  much  larger  than  he  had  had  the  pleasure 
of  carrying  around  for  some  time  before.  He  felt  as 
though  he  had  a  whole  quartz  mine  located  in  his  pocket. 
"  How  on  earth,"  thought  he,  "  will  I  be  able  to  spend 
such  a  mint  of  money  before  growing  weary  of  a  land 
lubbers  life  ?" 

He  stopped  around  the  boarding  house  all  day,  the 
coin,  meantime,  hanging  like  an  anvil  in  his  pocket. 
Like  most  sailors  when  set  on  shore,  as  soon  as  evening 
arrived  he  sallied  forth  to  see  the  sights.  There  appears 
to  be  some  loadstone  in  the  vicinity  of  Pacific  Street, 
which  attracts  all  sailors  without  sense,  all  countrymen 
without  brains,  and  all  thieves  with  cunning. 


316  THE   DANCE   HOUSE. 

They  drift  thither  as  naturally  as  tourists  to  old 
crumbling  shrines  of  art.  Like  the  great  mass  of  fool 
ish  fellows  Sparshackle  wended  his  way  at  once  into 
Pacific  Street.  Beating  around  the  Barbary  Coast,  he 
began  seeing  life  in  San  Francisco  'by  drinking  bad 
whiskey,  stale  beer,  and  watching  the  clumsy  movements 


AN   OLD   SALT. 


of  heavy  leathered  countrymen  and  gauzy  dressed  dance 
girls,  as  they  swung  around  the  room  to  the  music  of 
an  asthmatic  clarionet,  a  sickly  cornet,  and  a  bass  trom 
bone,  all  ably  filled  and  fingered  by  musicians  from  over 
the  Rhine. 

As  the  evening  wore  on  the  "  dive  "  filled,  first  with 
people,  then  with  smoke.  All  countries  were  represented 
in  that  low  cellar,  and  the  representatives  reflected  no 
great  credit  upon  the  nations  either.  Down  the  steps 
they  clattered  continually,  especially  sea- faring  men. 
A  dance-cellar  is  without  doubt  the  sailors'  Paradise. 


MIXED   CROWD.  317 

With  hands  in  his  pockets,  one  shoulder  at  least  six 
inches  higher  than  the  other,  and  whistling  a  stave,  the 
jolly  old  Liverpool  sailor  entered,  as  light  of  heart  as  he 
was  of  pocket. 

With  his  pipe  wrong  side  up  in  his  mouth,  and  the 
vizor  of  his  skull-cap  drawn  over  one  ear,  down 
jolted  the  Orkney  Island  salt,  who  had  crossed  the  ocean 
oftener  than  ever  he  crossed  a  bridge. 

With  one  side  of  his  nose  peeled  from  the  eyebrow  to 
the  nostril,  in  shambled  the  dark,  greasy  looking  Portu 
guese,  who  would  be  unhappy  should  he  by  any  possi 
ble  chance  escape  his  daily  knock-down  from  the  heavy- 
fisted  mate. 

Half  sliding  and  half  falling,  and  knocking  the  red 
clay  of  the  valley  from  his  boots,  down  clattered  the 
unmistakable  countryman,  who,  after  a  year  or  two  in 
the  interior,  was  bound  to  have  a  time  in  the  city.  Thus 
the  place  soon  filled,  and  all  was  revelry  and  racket. 

The  scene  was  a  dazzling  one  to  our  friend  of  the 
marline-spike.  He  watched  it  with  staring  eyes  and  gap 
ing  mouth,  and  wondered  where  else  on  earth  such  ele 
gance  existed.  Tarn  O'Shanter  was  not  more  carried 
away  with  the  scene  inside  "  Kirk  Alloway,"  than  was 
Sparshackle  by  the  free  exhibition  in  the  smoky  dance 
cellar.  He  had  cruised  in  southern  ports,  where  lithe 
Castilian  nymphs  in  wild  fandangos  displayed  their 
shapely  limbs.  He  had  sailed  to  Eastern  climes,  where 


318  TAKING   A   HAND. 

half  nude  dusky  maids  in  lively  groups  danced  through 
the  scented  groves.  But  never  before  in  all  his  travels 
had  he  witnessed  such  an  enlivening  spectacle. 

Finally  one  of  the  damsels  asked  him  to  join  her  in 
a  dance.  He  at  once  consented.  After  dancing  a  few 
moments  she  informed  him  it  was  the  custom  of  the  place 
to  treat  the  ladies(?)  As  might  be  supposed  he  complied 
and  imbibed  several  times.  The  oftener  he  drank  the 
livelier  seemed  to  grow  the  scene  before  him.  Finally 
— as  the  coin  in  his  pocket  interfered  materially  with  a 
free  use  of  his  legs — he  gave  up  dancing,  and  sitting 
down  in  the  corner,  confined  himself  to  his  peculiar 
speciality,  patronizing  the  bar.  He  watched  the  gay 
panorama,  and  applauded  those,  who,  nobly  bearing 
up  under  the  pressure  of  Jersey  lightning  and  extrava 
gant  exercise,  still  went  whisking  around  the  apartment 
in  the  full  flush  and  delirium  of  joy. 

Every  thing  in  the  room  seemed  to  catch  the  inspira 
tion  of  the  hour,  and  join  in  the  sprightly  revelry.  The 
very  pictures  upon  the  wall  commenced  diving  after 
each  other,  as  though  in  pursuit  of  unwilling  partners. 
Even  the  clumsy  counter  and  bald-headed  bar-tender 
joined  in  the  pastime,  and  went  eddying  around  the 
room  in  the  familiar  grip  and  hug,  of  the  licentious 
German  waltz. 

Presently  objects  grew  indistinct.  Things  moved  too 
fast  for  his  eyes  to  follow,  and  he  found  it  preferable  to 
keep  them  closed.  In  short  he  fell  into  a  deep  sleep 


LAID    OUT. 


319 


which  lasted  until  about  five  o'clock  the  next  morning. 
When  he  awakened,  he  found  himself  in  a  narrow  alley, 
not  only  minus  his  money,  but  actually  stripped  to  the 
buff.  Fortunately  an  old  barrel  was  lying  beside  him 
with  both  ends  stove  out.  Into  this  he  crawled,  and  lost 
no  time  in  navigating  the  streets  to  his  boarding  house. 


AST   PORT    IN    A    STORM. 


, 


THE  MAID  OF  VALLEJO.* 


There  was  a  fair  maid  of  Vallejo 
Who  came  to  this  city,  to  stay,  0. 

She  met  with  a  lad 

Who  treated  her  bad, 
So  back  she  cut  stick  to  Vallejo ! 

I  saw  that  fair  maiden  to-day,  0; 
She's  blue  as  the  wing  of  a  jay,  0. 

Her  parents,  I'm  told, 

Berate  her  and  scold 

For  they  hold  their  heads  high  in  Vallejo. 
^Pronounced  Val-ya-ho. 


AUGUST  15iH. 


A   WARNING. 

But  though  they  should  scold  her  for  aye,  0, 
Or  wrap  her  in  sack  cloth  and  pray,  0, 

The  stigma  and  stain 

Of  that  sin  will  remain, 
Till  high  heads  are  brought  low  in  Yallejo. 

Tis  a   warning  to  all  who  essay,  O 
About  other's  misfortunes  to  bray,  0; 

The  laugh  may  go  round, 

And  the  whisper  profound ! 
A«  it  will  very  soon  in  Vallejo. 


821 


THE  BITTER  END. 


AUGUST  20TH. 
TTTHILE  in  one  of  the  interior  counties  to-day  I 

T  T  stood  beside  the  graves  of  six  members  of  one 
household.  The  father  and  his  five  sons  all  fell  in  one 
sanguinary  family  feud. 

It  seems  an  ill  feeling  had  long  existed  between  two 
families  named  respectively  Frost  and  Coates.  Though 
they  frequently  indulged  in  small  skirmishes — from 
which  black  eyes,  bloody  noses,  or  slit  ears  were  the 
principal  trophies  borne  away — -they  had  never  met  when 
their  full  forces  were  under  arms.  And  for  the  happy 
hour  that  would  bring  about  such  a  meeting,  each  party 
looked  forward  with  interest,  if  not  impatience. 

A  day  arrived  at  last  full  of  promise.  It  was  an 
election  day.  Each  party  expected  the  other  out  in 
strength,  with  furbished  arms,  and  prepared  themselves 
accordingly.  They  took  the  street,  resolved,  that — 

"  Ere  the  bat  had  flown 
His  cloistered  flight :  ere,  to  black  Hecate's  summons, 


AN    OLD   FETTD.  323 

The  shard-borne  beetle,  with  his  drowsy  hums, 
Had  rung  night's  yawning  peal,  there  would  be  done 
A  deed  of  dreadful  note." 

Two  planets  keep  not  their  motion  in  one  sphere,  nor 
could  two  quarrelsome  families  move  long  in  a  small 
village,  or  freely  patronize  the  same  groggeries  without 
a  collision.  Towards  evening  they  met,  some  mounted 
and  more  on  foot,  and  from  low  jests  amongst  them 
selves  respecting  each  other's  lack  of  prowess  upon 
former  occasions,  the  controversy  soon  reached  the 
point  of  positive  contradictions.  As  the  "  lie  direct,"  is 
equivalent  to  a  well  developed  kick  to  your  average 
fighting  man,  hostilities  soon  commenced. 

The  Coates  family  opened  the  engagement  with  a 
brisk  fusilade,  and  at  the  first  fire  the  gray  bearded 
patriarch  of  the  Frost  faction  went  down  with  all  his 
imperfections  on  his  head. 

The  firing  now  became  general.  "  From  rank  to  rank, 
the  volleyed  thunder  flew." 

Neutral  parties  fled  from  the  street,  and  for  a  time 
transacted  business  with  "  closed  doors."  The  report 
of  the  fire-arms  frightened  the  horse  of  a  disinterested 
gentleman,  who  was  riding  through  the  village,  and 
despite  his  efforts  to  control  the  animal,  it  dashed  di 
rectly  between  the  beligerent  parties.  The  fighting  men, 
however,  did  not  slacken  fire  on  his  account,  but  blazed 
away  without  seeming  to  notice  or  care,  whether  the 
agitated  stranger  went  down  in  the  general  melee  or  not. 


324  A  FIGHT  AND  A  FUNERAL. 

Fortunately,  the  gentleman  escaped  injury,  but  it  was 
certainly  more  by  chance  than  good  guidance.  It  is  said 
so  rapid  was  the  fire  that  a  steady  blaze  seemed  issuing 


LIVELY    WORK. 


from  the  muzzle  of  their  weapons.  When  the  smoke  of 
battle  raised,  five  of  the  Coates  family  were  lying  dead. 

On  the  other  side,  Frost  and  one  of  his  sons  were 
killed,  and  a  son-in-law  mortally  wounded.  People  say 
the  funeral  was. a  saddening  spectacle.  Amongst  the 
mourners,  were  mothers,  daughters,  sisters  and  wives. 

But  the  end  was  not  yet : 

Before  the  grass  had  taken  root  upon  the  graves,  the 
ground  was  again  broken,  and  another  victim  of  the 


SUSPICION   BUT   NOT   PROOF. 


325 


malignant  feud  was  hidden  from  the  sight  of  friends 
and  foes. 

The  fires  of  hate  still  smouldered,  and  within  a  year 
another  of  the  Coates  family  was  put  hors  du  combat, 
while  going  one  night  from  the  village  to  his  ranch. 

He  was  seen  leaving  for  home  on  horseback  at  nine 
o'clock,  but,  about  ten  his  horse  ran  masterless  into  the 
farm-yard.  The  man  was  found  lying  by  the  roadside 
dead,  a  bullet  having  passed  through  his  head.  Suspicion 
reverted  to  the  Frost  family,  but  no  proof  could  be 
brought  to  establish  their  guilt. 

The  public  finger,  still  points  toward  them,  however, 
and,  doubtless  will  continue  so  to  do,  for  many  a  day, 
or  until  the  mystery  is  cleared  up. 


THE    ADVENTURE    OF     DAVID    GOYLE 
THE  MILLER  MAN. 


ATTGUST  22o. 
'Tl»  a  strange  cap :    'Twil!  give  and  take,  and  fit  many  heads."—  Old  Volume. 

Oh,  will  you  hear  with  patient  ear, 

The  story  I'll  relate 
About  man's  infidelity  ? 

And  learn  his  losses  great  ? 

There  lived  a  little  miller  once, 

Who  owned  a  tiny  mill ; 
While  there  was  water  in  his  pond 

The  stones  were  never  still. 

For  not  a  man  the  country  round 

From  Inyo  to  the  Bay, 
Was  closer  to  his  business  found 

Than  David  Goyle,  they  say. 

Let  people  pass  at  eve,  or  noon, 

Or  at  the  break  of  day, 
They'd  see  the  dusty  miller  there 

And  hear  the  hoppers  play. 


THE  WIFE'S  WABNING.  327 

But  when  the  narrow  stream  run  dry, 

The  miller  was  at  fault ; 
The  rack-a-tacket  mill  reposed 

As  silent  as  a  vault. 

The  little  vicious  artisan 

Had  spun  his  silken  snare 
Across  the  dusty  flour-chute, 

And  silent  gearing  there; 

While  in  the  elevator's  cup 

Was  heard  the  mouse's  squeak, 
And  village  children  in  the  flume 

Dry-shod,  played  hide-and-seek. 

Said  David  to  his  wife  one  day, 

"  I  think  while  water's  low 
Til  take  a  business  trip  to  town, 

Just  for  a  week  or  so. 

"  I  have  not  ground  a  peck  of  grain, 

•Tis  now  eight  days  or  more ; 
But  sat  and  picked,  and  picked  the  stones, 

And  dressed  their  surface  o'er." 

Then  turned  his  little  loving  wife, 

With  much  concern,  said  she, 
"  I  hope  while  you  are  stopping  there, 

That  you  will  careful  be ; 

«  And  shun  those  dark  and  narrow  streets 

Where  rogues  do  congregate, 
And  look  from  out  their  low  retreats 

As  spiders  watch  and  wait. 


328  HE   HAS   TRAVELED   BEFORE. 

"  Have  not  the  city  papers  teemed 

With  incidents,  wherein, 
Some  people  proved  net  what  they  seemed, 

And  took  the  stranger  in  ? 

"  Then  trust  not  smiles,  or  wanton  wiles ; 

Be  careful  where  you  tread ; 
The  very  ground  beneath  your  feet 

With  pitfalls  may  be  spread. 

"  There's  not  a  trick,  a  trap,  or  plot, 

Or  scheme  of  any  sort — 
From  playing  fine  to  drugging  wine — 

To  which  they'll  not  resort.  " 

Then  leaned  this  little  miller  man 

Away  back  in  his  chair, 
And  laughed  until  his  anxious  wife 

Thought  he  would  strangle  there. 

Said  he,  "  You  much  amuse  me,  wife, 

Have  you  forgot,  my  dear, 
That  I  have  traveled  in  my  life, 

And  came  from  Jersey  here  ? 

"  Or  can  you  for  a  moment  think 
Your  husband's  mind  is  lewd  ? 

Or  deem  that  I  the  cup  would  drink, 
By  Temperance  men  tabooed ! 

"  Those  who  can  get  the  start  of  me, 

In  country  or  in  town, 
By  jove !  must  early  risers  be, 

And  you  can  put  that  down." 


MEETS    WITH   TEMPTATION.  329 

For  he  was  vain,  this  miller  man, 

Who  thought  his  mind  so  vast ; 
But  look  with  me,  and  we  will  see 

How  he  comes  out  at  last. 

In  course  of  time  he  reached  the  town, 

To  stop  a  week  or  more ; 
And  in  a  large  hotel  was  lodged, 

Upon  the  second  floor. 

If  you  should  doubt  my  word  in  this, 

Step  over  to  the  "  Grand ; " 
You'll  find  his  name  recorded  there, 

And  in  a  scrawling  hand. 

It  chanced — but  hold !  ere  more  I  say, 

Or  sentence  more  you  read, 
Are  you  prepared  with  me  to  stray 

Wherever  he  may  lead  ? 

You  are !  all  right,  then  on's  the  word, 

Again  my  pen  I  hold, 
And  blame  me  not,  if  I  should  jot    i 

Down  facts  best  left  untold. 

It  chanced  while  Dave  was  strolling  down 

A  certain  narrow  street, — 
(Its  name  at  present  slips  my  mind, 

Or  you'd  have  all  complete) — 

There  leaned  a  dame  of  portly  frame,— 

Or  figure,  if  you  will, — 
With  graceful  ease,  and  smile  to  please, 
'  Across  her  window  sill. 


330  KNOWS   HIS   FOLKS. 

She  hailed  the  stranger,— no,  I  think, 
He  first  the  dame  addressed — 

I  would  not  do  the  woman  wrong, 
She's  bad  enough  at  best. 

By  this  you'll  see  that  facts  with  me 

As  sacred  things  appear ; 
And  though  they  burst  my  rhyme  in  three, 

They  precedence  claim  here. 


ROPING   THE   MILLER. 


She  spoke  the  stranger  very  free, 
She  "  came  from  Jersey  too  !  " 

(Oh,  she  was  cute  :  —  and  so  was  he  —  ) 
She  thought  his  folks  she  knew  ! 


SHE   TAKES    HIM    ENT.  331 

"There  was  a  Goyle  ; — yes,  yes,  I'm  sure, 

How  strange  that  we  should  meet ! 
I've  passed  his  house  a  thousand  times, 

And  met  him  on  the  street." 

The  miller  scarce  could  credit  this ; 

But  she  "was  something  fair, 
So  he  resolved  to  step  inside, 

And  talk  the  matter  there. 

"  He  thought  not  then  of  loving  wife  ! " 

Perchance  at  once  you  cry. 
It  gives  me  joy  to  say  he  did, — 

And  dodged  in  wondrous  spry. 

There  is  a  drug  that  nymphs  dupave, 

Do  mingle  with  the  wine 
They  give  to  country  friends  like  Dave, 

For  what,  I  can't  divine. 

Perhaps  those  thoughtful  women  deem 

The  noisiness  of  town, 
Might  not  allow  refreshing  sleep 

To  weigh  their  eyelids  down. 

But  whether  this  the  cause,  or  not, 

Enough  for  you  and  me 
To  know,  the  wine  that  David  got 

Was  not  from  mixtures  free ! 

Now  take  me  by  the  hand,  my  dear, 

And  let  us  trip  away, 
Uutil  the  watchful  chanticleer 

Proclaims  the  coming  day. 


332         HE  DESERVES  TO  BE  BRAINED, 

For  there  are  sights  we  may  behold, 
Or  words  that  we  may  hear, 

Which  may  not  properly  be  told, 
Or  in  a  book  appear! 

Oh  !  for  a  club  to  brain  the  knave 
Within  that  house  of  sin ; 

Oh !  for  a  spade  to  dig  his  grave, 
And  dump  him  headlong  in ! 

Oh !  for  a  slab  as  black  as  night, 

To  raise  above  his  head ; 
On  which  this  strange  inscription  might 

By  passers-by  be  read : — 

"  Come  not  around  this  weedy  mound, 

All  ye  who  virtue  prize : 
Nor  shed  one  tear,  for  buried  here 

A  faithless  husband  lies." 

The  night  has  passed  away  at  last ; 

Now  hand  in  hand  we'll  scout, 
Now  here,  now  there,  with  greatest  care, 

To  search  that  miller  out. 

Thus,  side  and  side,  we  first  will  glide 
O'er  letter,  word,  and  line ; 

tlntil  we  stand  that  house  beside, 
Where  Dave  was  drinking  wine. 

Oh,  sight !  so  hideous  to  the  eyes, 

It  dims  them  like  a  fog ! 
Within  the  house  the  miller  lies, 

As  still  as   any  log ! 


THE   DISTRESSING    DISCOVERY.  333 

And  not  until  the  sun  was  high, 

And  bells  in  towers  spoke, 
From  out  that  deep  lethargic  sleep 

He  wonderingly  awoke. 

He  gazed  upon  the  papered  wall ; 

The  ceiling  over  head ; 
But  strange  was  paper,  pictures  all, 

The  foot-board  of  the  bed. 

At  last  the  past  before  him  shone, 

And  turning  with  a  smile — 
Discovered  there  he  lay  alone ! 

Like  Crusoe  on  his  Isle. 

Swift  as  the  lightning's  flash  destroys 

The  spider's  flimsey  toil, 
Suspicion  traveled  through  the  head 

Of  the  awakening  Goyle. 

As  starts  the  lodger  from  repose, 

When  flames  burst  in  the  door, 
So  suddenly  that  miller  rose, 

And  bounced  upon  the  floor. 

One  stride  sufficed  to  reach  the  chair 

On  which  his  robes  were  cast ; 
But  seemed  it  to  that  man  an  age, 

Until  he  grasped  them  fast. 

No  nimbler  does  the  maiden's  hand 

Play  o'er  the  keys  of  sound, 
Than  did  that  miller's  fingers  glide 

In  searching  pockets  round. 


334:  CLEANED  OUT. 

In  vain  he  felt  from  tail  to  top  ; 

The  blonde  had  gone  before, 
And  harvested  a  golden  crop, 

While  he  did  dream  and  snore. 

Gone  was  his  purse,  and  all  within ; 

A  ring  he  valued  more  ; 
Gone  watch  and  chain,  the  diamond  pin 

That  on  his  scarf  he  wore. 

His  little  wife  with  miser  care, 
(And  warning  words  no  doubt,) 

With  her  own  hands  affixed  it  there 
The  morning  he  set  out. 

Enraged,  that  miller  waltzed  around, 
And  like  his  hopper  shook : 

And  swore  by  all  the  grists  he  ground, 
And  all  the  tolls  he  took, 

That  since  the  days  when  he  was  schooled 
In  games  of  pitch  and  toss, 

He  never  was  so  deeply  fooled, 
Or  so  betrayed  to  loss  ! 

Ten  times  at  least,  that  pallid  man 

Strove  to  insinuate 
His  nervous  limbs  into  his  pants, 

But  failed  to  guide  them  straight. 

First  hop,. hop,  hop,  to  left  he  went, 
Now,  hop,  hop,  hop,  to  right ! 

Then  hop,  hop,  backwards,  till  he  rent 
The  pants  asunder  quite ! 


THE    PANTALOON    DANCE. 

With  one  leg  in  and  one  leg  out, 
He  polka'd  here  and  there, 

Now  chaste  up  now  chasse  back, 
Then  balanced  o'er  the  chair. 


335 


A   ONE    SIDED    OPERATION. 


At  last  his  toilet  was  complete, 
The  yawning  rent  was  pinned, 

And  out  into  the  narrow  street 
He  bolted  like  the  wind. 

Twould  be  a  feast  to  gravest  priest 

That  ever  sat  to  hear 
Confession  from  an  erring  maid, 

To  see  that  man  appear. 


336 


SEEKING   JUSTICE. 


He  ran  towards  the  City  Hall, 
And  swore  at  every  bound 

That  justice  would  he  seek  and  have, 
If  justice  could  be  found. 


A   GREENHORN  S   SEARCH. 

The  milkmen  stopped  their  reckless  drive, 

Or  dropped  the  .cup  and  can, 
And  leaned  to  catch  a  glimpse  of  Dave 

As  down  the  street  he  ran. 

Old  women  early  out  to  masa 

When  Dave  went  racking  by, 
Would  jump  aside  to  let  him  pass, 

Then  to  each  other  cry : 


EYES   OPENED.  337 

" Lord  bless  us !  did  you  see  him  go? 

As  though  from  cannon  sent. 
A  crazy  creature  well  I  know, 

And  see  his  pants — how  rent ! " 

But  ah,  my  muse,  no  longer  here, 

(This  moment  she  withdrew.) 
I  scarcely  have  the  vim,  I  fear, 

To  trace  that  miller  through. 

Suffice  it  here  to  be  explained 

Before  I  close  the  tale, 
The  justice  David  Goyle  obtained, 

Was  not  of  much  avail. 

Go  net  the  sea  to  catch  the  whale 

That  did  on  Jonah  dine ; 
Go  rake  the  land  to  find  the  stone 

That  slew  the  Philistine ; 

But  seek  not  her  whose  hoodwinked  eyes, 

Proclaims  her  dealings  just ; 
Well  hangs  her  balance  in  the  skies, 

For  here  on  earth  they'd  rust. 

Returned  that  miller  to  his  wife, 

And  nothing  from  her  hid, 
He  told  her  how  and  where  he  lost, 

(At  least,  I  hope  he  did.) 

Let  not  the  husband  nor  the  wife 

These  secret  dodges  start ; 
Or  soon  suspicious  thoughts  will  come 

And  crowd  their  loves  apart. 

15 


338  AT    HOME    AGAIN. 

I  throw  this  in — as  you  will  see — 

A  sort  of  gratis  hint ; 
It  may  not  be  pure  poetry, 

But  there  is  truth  within't. 

The  rumbling  stones  are  grinding  now^ 
There's  water  in  the  pond ; 

But  do  not  bet  that  miller  yet 
Forgets  the  wicked  blonde. 

For  every  waking  hour  he  knows 
Throughout  the  twenty-four, 

His  scowling  face  and  muttering  shows 
He  counts  his  losses  o'er. 

There's  not  a  time  he  laves  his  hands, 
But  what  that  ring  is  missed  ! 

(Its  gold  he  gathered  from  the  sands, 
A  gift  the  amethyst.) 

And  oh,  the  query  gives  him  pain, 
*'  What  is  the  time  of  day  ?  " 

For  to  the  missing  watch  and  chain 
The  miller's  mind  will  stray. 

And  now  no  more  upon  his  breast 
The  brilliant  diamond  shines, 

It's  lustre  falls  in  other  halls 
Where  flow  the  noxious  wines. 


There  is  a  moral  shining  bare, 
Throughout  this  lengthy  screed, 

And  those  who  cannot  see  it  there, 
In  vain  these  verses  read. 


A  TRIP  TO  THE  INTERIOR. 


AUGUST  25TH. 

I  HA  YE  been  taking  a  trip  into  the  interior,  and  am 
not  favorably  impressed  with  it.  There  were  too 
many  mosquitoes — too  many  graybacks.  It  is  too  far 
from  civilization,  and  too  nigh  the  sun.  There  is  not 
enough  of  water  upon  the  roads,  and  too  much  in  the 
liquor.  I  stopped  over  night  in  Sacramento,  and  the 
first  thing  that  attracted  iny  attention  on  entering  the 
city,  was  the  pale  and  sickly  look  of  the  inhabitants. 
This  I  attributed  to  the  fever  and  ague,  the  hot  weather, 
and  impure  river  water  which  they  drink,  and  call 
"  Sacramento  straight."  I  was  credibly  informed  by 
several  parties  that  their  pallor  was  owing  to  the  quan 
tity  of  blood  that  is  nightly  extracted  from  their  veins 
by  the  mosquitoes. 

From  the  number  of  these  pests  infesting  it,  Sacra 
mento  has  taken  the  name  of  "  The  Mosquito  City." 

Those  people  who  cannot  indulge  in  such  a  luxury  as 
mosquito  bars,  have  to  sleep  during  the  day.  They  sit 
up  nights  and  wage  war  against  their  ferocious  enemies 


340  THE    SACRAMENTO   MOSQUITO. 

with  tobacco  smoke,  burning  leather,  wet  towels,  or  any 
other  weapon  to  which  they  can  conveniently  resort. 
To  be  stung  by  a  black  hornet  or  a  scorpion  is  bad ; 
to  be  bitten  by  a  tarantula  or  rattlesnake  is  worse  ;  but 
to  be  punctured  to  the  bone  by  the  bugle  of  a  Sacra 
mento  mosquito  is  terrible.  They  are  enormous  insects. 
When  flying  through  the  air  they  are  as  discernible  as 
thistle-down,  or  even  humming  birds.  The  sharp  tube 
through  which  they  sap  their  victim's  blood  is  fully 
three-quarters  of  an  inch  long,  and  resembles  a  cambric 
needle  ;  this  they  steadily  and  unhesitatingly  press  into 
the  flesh  until  they  either  strike  a  bone,  or  their  fore- 


SACRAMENTO   MOSQUITO   ON   THE   SCENT. 

head  prevents  them  from  doing  deeper  injury. 

Accompanying  this  article  are  two  sketches  of  an  or 
dinary  Sacramento  mosquito,  life  size. 

Towards  evening  they  rise  with  pining  maws  from 
the  damp  tule  land  around  the  city — 

"  Innumerable  as  the  blades  of  green, 
That  carpet  the  vale  of  the  San  Joaquin  ;  " 

and  as  they  close  in  upon  the  devoted  inhabitants,  their 


FORCED   TO    ENTRENCH    MYSELF. 

blended  cries  swell  in  pitch  and  compass  until  the  sound 
resembles  the  impassioned  tones  of  a  fish-peddler's 
horn.  1  stopped  at  a  hotel  in  the  lower  part  of  the 
city,  and  before  retiring  for  the  night  looked  carefully 
about  the  room.  As  few  mosquitoes  were  in  sight,  I 
concluded  to  sleep  without  using  the  har.  Congratu 
lating  myself  on  being  assigned  a  room  where  so  few 
of  the  common  enemy  of  man  were  lying  in  wait,  I 
extinguished  the  light  and  turned  in. 

Scarce  was  I  stretched  upon  the  couch  when, 

"  At  once  there  rose  such  hungry  yells, 
From  every  point  the  compass  tells," 

that  I  lost  no  time  in  striking  a  light  and  adjusting  the 
netting.  I  now  saw  them  emerging  from  every  con 
ceivable  hiding  place.  Trooping  they  came,  from  be 
hind  picture-frames,  from  under  the  bureau ;  out  of 
vases  and  old  empty  bottles.  They  were  climbing  and 
clambering  and  pitching  towards  me  with  energy.  I 
noticed  a  steady  stream  of  them  shooting  out  of  the 
closet  through  the  key -hole,  with  such  velocity  that 
they  went  warping  half-way  across  the  apartment  before 
they  could  check  themselves  sufficiently  to  tack  around 
and  dive  for  the  bed. 

They  had  all  they  bargained  for,  to  get  safely  through 
that  key-hole,  too.  There  was  not  much  spare  room,  I 
can  tell  you.  But  for  the  great  pressure  from  behind 
kept  up  by  others  anxious  to  get  through,  many  a  large 
fellow  would  have  been  sticking  in  that  opening  yet. 


342 


A  MOSQUITO'S  WEAK  POINT. 


But  once  they  got  started  in,  there  was  no  backing  out ; 
no,  indeed !  On !  on !  was  the  cry,  and  they  pressed 
forward  with  a  rush,  often  sacrificing  a  leg  or  wing  by 
the  maneuver.  But  they  didn't  seem  to  care  for  the 
loss  of  one  of  those  members  so  long  as  their  bill 
remained  intact.  Deprive  a  mosquito  of  one  wing,  and 
he  will  seem  to  laugh  at  you  while  he  makes  the  other 
do  double  duty.  Brush  off  one  leg,  and  he  will  shake 
the  remaining  ones  triumphantly  in  your  face. 

But  damage  his  bill  and  you  demoralize  him  at  once. 
He  becomes  immediately  disheartened.     He  loses  caste 


TO   THE    HILT    IN    BLOOD. 


among  his  companions,  and  confidence  in  himself. 

purpose, 


He 


wabbles  about  here  and  there  to  no  purpose,  like  a 
bachelor.  You  deprive  him  at  once  of  his  song  and  his 
supper.  You  can  hardly  picture  to  yourself  a  more 
dejected  insect,  one  more  hopelessly  down  in  the  mouth. 


A    HEALTHY   CITY.  343 

He  withdraws  to  the  ceiling,  or  curtain,  and  looks  with 
envious  eyes  upon  his  associates  gorging  themselves 
while  his  poor  digestive  organs  are  drying  through 
inactivity. 

We  would  be  inclined  to  pity  him  in  his  sad  condition, 
were  it  not  that  we  hold  the  whole  insect  race  as  coming 
under  our  ban. 

The  whine  of  disappointment,  long,  loud  and  quaver 
ing,  that  went  up  when  they  ascertained  I  was  protected, 
will  always  remain  a  fixture  in  my  memory. 

As  they  closed  around  the  bed,  so  numerous  were 
they,  their  flight  was  actually  impeded.  Down  they 
settled  with  locked  wings  on  the  bar  above  me,  thick  as 
snow-flakes  around  some  old  uprooted  pine  by  the 
Madawaska.  I  had  long  heard  of  the  Sacramento 
mosquitoes,  and  was  prepared  for  an  introduction  to 
formidable  insects,  but  found  them  even  worse  than  I 
expected. 

I  stopped  in  Stockton  one  night.  This  city  is  the 
stronghold  of  the  fever  and  ague  on  the  Pacific  coast. 
In  other  portions  of  the  State  it  may  be  more  active  for 
a  few  months  of  the  year,  but  in  Stockton  it  stays  by 
the  people  like  their  consciences.  The  winds  may  rise 
and  comb  the  valley  until  the  very  grass  is  lifted  by  the 
roots  and  borne  to  the  mountains.  The  sun  may  grow 
weary  of  well  doing,  enter  Capricorn,  and  for  a  season  be 
hid ;  or  the  rains  may  descend  until  the  narrow  slough- 
by  which  the  city  is  situated — becomes  a  wide-spreading 


344  THE   ORCHESTRA. 

lake,  through  which  ships  of  the  line  might  plow  with 
safety ;  but  the  chills  and  fever  stays  by  them  still. 
There  is  no  "  shaking  "  it  off.  It  holds  its  grip  like  a 
mortgage. 

The  tender  limbs  of  the  new-born  babe,  and  the  pith 
less  bones  of  ripe  old  age,  shiver  alike  in  its  awful  grasp. 

The  citizens  are  a  serious,  matter-of-fact  people,  who 
seem  to  think  it  was  not  the  original  intention  that  men 
should  spend  any  time  in  laughter,  for  they  indulge  very 
little  in  witicisms  or  humor.  A  good  joke  is  often  lost 
upon  them,  and  the  perpetrator  of  a  bad  one  places  him 
self  in  jeopardy.  A  person  who  attempts  a  pun  that 
like  a  sword-fish  does  not  carry  its  point  before  it,  is  in 
danger  of  being  immediately  seized  from  behind  and 
hurried  in  the  direction  of  the  Insane  Asylum. 

"While  stopping  in  Stockton  I  visited  the  small  theatre 
of  which  the  inhabitants  are  justly  proud ;  and  shall 
never  forgive  myself  if  I  fail  to  mention  the  orchestra, 
that  discoursed  most  eloquent  music  on  that  occasion. 

"Whether  the  regular  musicians  of  the  theatre  were  on 
a  strike  for  higher  wages,  and  the  manager  was  obliged 
to  bring  in  outside  talent,  I  did  not  learn ;  but  certain  it 
was,  the  sole  instrument  that  kept  the  audience  awake 
between  the  acts,  the  night  in  question,  was  a  large 
piece — a  bassoon,  I  think — filled  and  manipulated  by  a 
stout,  spectacled  representative  from  the  Faderland. 

In  addition  to  the  musician's  frog-shaped  body — which 
of  itself  would  doubtless  have  attracted  my  attention — 


HARD   TO   DO   JUSTICE   TO. 


345 


he  had  a  head  that  was  truly  a  study.  To  say  he  was 
bald,  is  to  make  a  remark  that  would  be  applicable  to 
more  than  two-thirds  of  the  gentlemen  in  the  theatre, 


but  to  say  that  his  head  was  as  smooth,  as  shiny,  and 
devoid  of  hair,  from  the  eye  brows  to  the  very  nape  of 
the  neck,  as  a  billiard  ball,  is  hardly  doing  the  head  jus 
tice.  It  seemed  actually  peeled. 

Besides,  it  was  of  a  conical  form,  and  as  1  looked  upon 
15* 


846  A   REFLECTIVE   HEAD. 

it  I  thought  what  an  advantage  it  would  have  been  to 
me  in  my  younger  days  if  I  had  had  some  such  thing  in 
the  barnyard,  over  which  to  break  pumpkins  for  the  cat 
tle.  I  am  certain  a  pumpkin  or  squash  brought  down 
upon  such  an  object  with  well  centered  precision,  would 
fly  into  as  many  fragments  as  the  German  Empire. 

I  was  not  the  only  person  whose  attention  was  arrested 
by  that  marvelous  development.  If  a  diamond  the  size 
of  a  rutabaga,  had  suddenly  flashed  revealed,  the  audi 
ence  would  scarcely  have  turned  with  greater  haste  to 
contemplate  its  beauties  than  they  did  to  regard  that 
head  the  instant  the  hat  was  removed. 

It  had  such  a  smooth  and  polished  surface  the  actors, 
as  they  passed  back  and  forth  upon  the  stage,  were  mir 
rored  out  upon  it  in  Liliputian  proportions.  The  large 
globe  light  was  reflected  so  perfectly  upon  that  glossy 
scalp,  it  shed  a  positive  light  to  remote  corners  of  the 
auditorium ;  and  a  person  would  look  first  at  the  head, 
then  up  at  the  globe,  and  then  down  at  the  head  again, 
and  then  not  hardly  be  prepared  to  decide  from  which 
object  the  original  rays  of  light  proceeded. 

The  musician  had  one  original  "  turn,"  which  afforded 
me  much  amusement.  At  the  commencement  of  a  tune 
he  would  sit  facing  the  stage,  which  was  proper  enough  ; 
but  as  he  proceeded  he  would  turn  by  degrees  until  he 
was  sitting  full  face  to  the  audience. 

The  gods  in  the  gallery  seemed  -to  consider  it  their 
especial  privilege  to  pelt  his  head  with  peanuts ;  and  when 


AT  THE   THEATRE.  347 

one  would  happen  to  hit — which  was  quite  often — it 
would  bound  and  skip  from  the  polished  object  in  a 
manner  that  would  invariably  bring  down  the  house. 

Standing  as  it  did  in  bold  relief  from  the  dark  pan- 
nel-work  and  drapery  behind,  it  was  a  most  excellent 
and  inviting  mark.  Man  though  I  am,  with  the  sober 
ing  cares  of  life  closing  gloomily  around  me,  and  an 
immortal  soul  yet  in  jeopardy,  I  actually  regretted  I 
couldn't  try  a  shot  at  the  old  codger's  head  myself. 

It  has  been  said  "  The  king  of  Shadows  loves  a  shin 
ing  mark  ;"  if  this  is  so,  how  that  musician  managed  to 
escape  the  arrows  so  long  is  more  than  I  can  understand. 
For  many  a  year  he  certainly  has  presented  a  target 
worthy  the  whole  archery  of  heaven. 

The  evening's  entertainment  was  made  up  of  selec 
tions  from  Shakspeare's  tragedies,  "  Macbeth,"  and 
"  Othello." 

The  principal  actor,  whose  name  I  forget,  was  the 
oddest  and  hungriest  looking  player  I  ever  saw  stalk 
across  a  stage,  or  foam  and  fret  in  histrionic  effort.  He 
looked  as  though  he  had  been  dangling  from  the  lowest 
spoke  of  Fortune's  wheel  for  the  last  twenty  years. 
His  make-up  was  terrible  also,  and  after  I  learned  the 
performance  was  not  an  intentional  burlesque,  I  could 
hardly  keep  from  hooting  whenever  he  appeared.  As  the 
evening  advanced,  however,  he  warmed  up  considerably. 
"When  he  appeared  as  'the  murderous  Thane  moving 
toward  the  apartments  of  his  slumbering  victim, 


348  A   DOUBLE   MURDER. 

huskily  repeating  the  thrilling  lines,  "  The  bell  invites 
me !  I  go,  and  it  is  done ! "  he  looked  every  inch  a 
villain,  and  the  little  theatre  rung  again  with  the  clap- 


MACBETH. 


ping  and  clattering  of  the  enthusiastic  audience.  In 
"  Othello  "  his  dress  was  even  worse  than  in  "  Macbeth." 
In  the  scene  where  he  smothers  Desdemona,  he  was 
barefooted,  and  looked  too  ridiculous  for  anything.  I 
would  have  given  double  the  amount  I  paid  for  admis 
sion  for  the  glorious  privilege  of  kicking  him  across  the 
stage. 

The  customary  pitcher-shaped  lamp  which  the  "Moor" 


AVAILABLE   SUBSTITUTES. 


349 


usually  bears  in  his  hand  upon  this  occasion,  and  to 
which  he  alludes  when  he  says : — 

"  If  I  quench  thee,  thou  flaming  minister, 
I  can  again  thy  former  light  restore, 
Should  I  repent  me :  " 

was  not  procurable. 

The  tragedian  therefore  carried  a  candle  stuck  in  the 
neck  of  a  large  wine-bottle,  and  under  his  left  arm  he 


OTHELLO. 


carried  a  pillow  about  the  size  of  a  single-bed  mattress, 
with  which  to  put  out  the  light  of  tho  fair  Desdemona, 


350  THE   ACTORS. 

lying  upon  a  lounge  at  the  left  of  the  stage.  I  was  too 
great  a  lover  of  Shakspeare  to  sit  longer  by,  and  witness 
the  terrible  butchery.  I  arose  and  left  the  house,  and 
as  I  passed  out,  the  pitying  glances  of  the  audience  in 
formed  me  that  they  didn't  understand  the  real  state  of 
affairs,  but  thought  I  was  taken  suddenly  ill.  I  was  ill 
at  ease,  and  had  been,  during  the  entire  evening. 

There  was  one  redeeming  feature,  and  that  came  in 
the  shape  of  a  very  handsome  young  actress,  who 
evidently  traveled  upon  her  shape  (and,  by  Jove !  she 
had  a  very  good  means  of  conveyance). 

Nearly  all  she  did  upon  the  stage  was  to  assume 
striking  attitudes.  Judging  by  what  I  saw  of  her  (and 
in  truth  that  was  considerable)  Eve's  daughters  are 
seldom  put  up  in  a  more  tasteful  manner  than  she,  and 
I  would  never  forgive  myself  if  I  should  fail  to  give  a 
representation  of  the  young  lady  in  this  book.  I  there 
fore  give  the  sketch  on  the  opposite  page  to  show  to  the 
world  what  Mother  Nature  can  do  for  a  person,  when  she 
wishes  to  turn  off  a  masterpiece,  and  goes  to  work  in 
right  good  earnest. 

On  the  way  down  from  Stockton  the  next  morning 
an  amusing  incident  transpired,  worthy  of  mention. 

An  overland  passenger  made  my  acquaintance  on  the 
cars,  and  while  conversing  about  the  long  snow-sheds 
and  tunnels  on  the  Central  Pacific,  I  informed  him  of 
the  long  tunnel  through  which  we  would  pass  on  leaving 
Livermore  Valley. 


THE  ACTRESS. 


352  THE   RAILROAD  TUNNEL. 

"  Are  we  near  that  tunnel  now  ? "  he  asked.  "  Yes," 
I  answered,  "  we  will  enter  it  in  about  fifteen  minutes." 
"  Is  the  tunnel  dark  ? "  he  inquired.  "  Yes,  very  dark," 
1  replied,  "  ten  shades  darker  than  a  cloudy  midnight." 
"By  jingo!"  he  cried,  "that's  just  the  thing  for  me. 
I  forgot  to  put  on  a  clean  shirt  last  night,  and  I  hate 
like  the  deuce  to  arrive  in  San  Francisco  looking  as  I  do 
now.  Do  you  think  a  fellow  would  have  time  to  put  a 
shirt  on  while  passing  through  it?"  he  continued, 
earnestly. 

"  He  might,"  I  answered,  "  if  he  had  it  ready  to  pull 
over  his  head,  before  reaching  the  tunnel." 

ic  Well,  I'll  try  a  pull,  anyway,"  he  said,  as  he  took 
down  the  valise  from  a  rack  overhead  to  select  the  gar 
ment.  "  I'll  have  it  all  ready  for  a  hoist,"  he  continued, 
"  and  if  I  don't  climb  into  it  faster  than  a  spark  into  a 
chimney,  I'm  not  what  I  think  I  am,  that's  all ;  "  and 
with  a  look  of  determination  he  went  to  a  seat  in  the 
rear  of  the  car,  and  for  a  time  seemed  busily  engaged 
preparing  for  the  great  change. 

I  had  made  an  error  in  regard  to  the  time  that  would 
elapse  before  we  reached  the  tunnel,  and  the  result  was 
we  reached  it  before  he  was  fully  prepared  for  it.  Into 
it  the  locomotive  plunged  with  a  wild  scream.  Gloom 
closed  around  the  passengers,  hiding  the  nearest  objects 
from  their  view.  On  we  sped.  The  rattling  of  the 
trucks  told  us  rail  after  rail  was  passed,  but  still  a  dark- 


AN   ATTEMPTED   CHANGE   OF   SHTBT.  353 

ness  that  might  be  felt  enveloped  the  rushing  train. 

Those  who  were  conversing  as  the  car  entered  the 
tunnel,  stopped  as  though  the  icy  hand  of  death  had 
been  laid  upon  their  throat.  The  half  uttered  word 
rested  upon  the  tongue,  and  the  tunnel,  like  a  long  dash, 
stretched  between  the  parts  of  a  sentence. 

I  thought  of  the  passenger,  doubtless  by  this  time 
struggling  in  his  linen,  and  turned  around  in  my  seat 
facing  him.  With  considerable  interest  I  waited  the 
return  of  light.  At  last  it  came  glimmering  far  ahead. 
Plainer  and  plainer  the  objects  grew  around,  and  first 
and  most  noticeable  of  all,  was  the  tall  form  of  the 
passenger  from  over  the  mountains,  leaning  over  the 
seat  in  front  of  him,  enveloped  in  his  snowy  linen 
shirt,  his  hands  stuck  in  the  sleeves  at  the  elbows,  and 
his  head  vainly  endeavoring  to  shoot  through  the  open 
ing  at  the  neck,  which  in  his  haste  he  had  neglected  to 
unbutton. 

Notwithstanding  his  head  was  enveloped,  he  was 
conscious  that  light  had  dawned  upon  the  scene,  and  his 
struggles  and  frantic  thrusts  became  painful  to  look 
upon. 

Finally  the  fastening  at  the  neck  gave  way,  and  his 
face  came  through  the  opening,  red  as  a  pickled  beet. 
Fortunately  most  of  the  passengers  were  sitting  with 
backs  toward  him,  and  but  few  witnessed  the  terrible 
struggle.  One  old  lady,  however,  got  nearly  frightened 


354:  THE   REASON   WHY. 

out  of  her  wits.  When  objects  began  to  grow  visible 
around  her,  she  became  suddenly  apprised  of  the  start 
ling  fact  that  a  white  figure  was  bent  over  her,  with 


A    HASTY    TOILET. 


out-stretched  wings  fanning  the  air,  and  she  very 
naturally  came  to  the  conclusion  that  an  angel  was  about 
to  gather  her  to  her  fathers. 

The  ashen  look  of  the  poor  old  body,  as  she  stole  a 
glance  over  her  shoulder  at  the  white  object  behind, 
showed  that  however  fitted  she  was — in  respect  of  years 
— for  the  final  taking  off,  she  was  anything  but  willing 
to  start  upon  such  a  tedious  and  uncertain  journey. 


THE  ART  GALLERY. 


AUGUST  31sT. 

HEARING  that  a  large  collection  of  paintings  were 
on  exhibition  at  the  Art  Gallery,,  I  visited  the 
rooms  this  afternoon,  and  was  agreeably  surprised  to 
discover  that  quite  a  number  were  by  eminent  artists. 

It  is  pleasant  to  stick  your  nose  into  an  old  picture 
that  has  come  down  through  the  dust  of  ages.  I  made 
it  a  point  to  employ  the  hour  at  my  disposal  in  sketching 
several  subjects  most  admired  by  the  visitors.  I  did 
not  learn  the  name  of  the  large  picture  from  which  the 
accompanying  sketch  was  taken,  but  was  assured  that  it 
came  from  the  hand  of  an  old  master. 

I  would  have  thought  it  a  representation  of  "  Cleo 
patra  before  Csesar,"  if  the  female  had  been  running 
toward  the  man  instead  of  away  from  him.  History 
belies  Cleopatra,  or  she  was  not  the  woman  to  show  such 
a  clean  pair  of  heels  when  one  of  the  opposite  sex  made 
advances. 

A  gentleman  present  who  examined  the  painting  close- 


356      A  NUT  FOR  CONNOISSEURS  TO  CRACK. 

ly,  gave  it  as  his  opinion,  that  the  couple  represented  "  Tar- 
quin  and  Lucrece." 

He  informed  me  he  had  visited  many  art  galleries  of 


TARQUIX   AND    LUCRECE,    (FROM   A   PAINTING  BY    AN    OLD    MASTER.) 

the  Old  "World,  and  found  several  paintings  which  .had 
been  copied  from  this  masterpiece  by  artists,  who  paid 
homage  to  such  creative  genius. 

As  he  claimed  to  be  something  of  a  connoisseur,  his 
supposition  was  probably  a  correct  one,  though  he  was 
not  able  to  thoroughly  account  for  the  singular  looking 
bonnet,  that  shadowed  the  head  of  the  prancing 
"  Lucrece." 

It  is  certainly  anything  but  a  Roman  head-dress,  and 
why  it  should  be  dangling  from  her  royal  top,  is  some 
thing  for  critics  to  comment  on,  and  antiquarians  to 
inquire  into. 

Another  little  sketch  attracted  great  attention,  espe- 


ADMIRING    A    GEM. 


357 


cially  from  the  ladies,  whose  love  for  the  beautiful  is  only 
excelled  by  their  love  for  the  good.     It  was  entitled 


LOVE'S    YOUNG    DREAM." 


"Love's  Yonng  Dream."  I  regret  I  am  not  able  to  give 
the  artist's  name.  I  could  not  get  near  enough  to  deci 
pher  the  signature,  owing  to  the  crowd  of  ladies  admir 
ing  the  beautiful  gem. 

The  members  of  the  Graphic  Club  were  sketching. 
Accepting  an  invitation  from  one  I  stepped  into  their 
room  to  see  them  draw.  Quite  a  number  of  artists  were 
present.  Denny  was  there,  who  loves  to  paint  the  ves- 


358  THE    GRAPHIC    CLUB    AT    WORK. 

sel  going  before  the  wind,  when  in  its  might  it  takes 
"  the  ruffian  billows  by  the  top."  It  was  pleasant  to 
watch  his  pencil  pile  up  the  "  yeasty  waves  "  at  will. 

It  was  also  interesting  to  lean  over  Mr.  Hill's  shoul 
der,  and  see  the  branches  sprout  from  his  grand  old  oaks, 
against  whose  trunks  it  would  seem  the  storms  of  centu 
ries  had  spent  their  force. 

It  was  no  less  pleasant  or  interesting  to  perceive  the 
horns  shoot  from  Bloomer's  cows.  As  the  animal  grows 
under  his  active  pencil,  we  may  be  inclined  to  think  she 
will  be  of  the  Mooley  species,  and  never  shake  a  gory 
horn  above  a  prostrate  victim  ;  but  alas !  a  few  hasty  but 
well  directed  strokes,  and  she  stands  forth  more  formida 
ble  than  the  armed  rhinoceros  or  rampant  unicorn.  Then 
we  hold  our  breath,  as  we  see  the  pencil  slide  away  to 
some  other  locality  before  a  tail  is  attached  to  the  body, 
and  inwardly  wonder  whether  the  artist  has  forgotten 
to  bestow  upon  her  that  graceful  adjunct,  or  is  intention 
ally  giving  us  new  species  of  cattle.  "We  heave  a  sigh 
of  relief  when  the  pencil  returns,  after  a  brief  skirmish 
along  the  ribs,  to  bestow  upon  the  cow  that  terminal 
appendage,  at  once  a  scourge  for  milk-maids  and  a  swing 
for  dogs. 


A  TRIP  TO  OAKLAND. 


SEPT.  STH. 

THE  heaviest  fog  that  has  visited  San  Francisco  for 
some  time,  enshrouded  the  city  and  vicinity  this 
forenoon.  So  dense  was  the  vapor  across  the  bay,  that 
several  sportsmen  hunting  near  Oakland  Point  were 
considerably  annoyed  by  wild  ducks  flying  into  them  as 
they  swept  along  the  margin  of  the  bay.  One  gentle 
man  sitting  on  the  bank  waiting  for  the  fog  to  raise, 
was  run  into  by  a  passing  mallard  with  such  violence  as 
to  knock  him  down  the  embankment  into  the  water. 
The  bird  passed  on,  leaving  one-half  of  its  bill  sticking 
in  the  gentleman's  ear,  having  penetrated  that  organ  to 
the  depth  of  two  inches.  He  was  obliged  to  call  upon 
a  surgeon  to  have  the  novel  spike  removed.  It  was  a 
singular  incident,  and  proves  that  birds  cannot  see 
through  mist  any  better  than  ourselves. 

I  took  a  trip  to  Oakland  in  the  afternoon.  The 
bay  was  so  rough  the  ferry-boat  could  scarcely  make  her 
regular  trips.  The  passengers  were  nearly  all  sea-sick, 


360 


THROWING    UP    JONAH. 


and  elbow  to  elbow,  leaned  over  the  side  of  the  vessel 
feeding  the  fishes.     One  gentleman  friend  lost  his  hat 


CASTING   BREAD    UPON   THE   WATERS. 


overboard  while  engaged  in  this  pastime,  but  he  was  so 
taken  up  with  internal  affairs  that  he  cared  little  for  out 
ward  appearances,  as  one  could  readily  observe  by  the 
earnestness  with  which  he  addressed  himself  to  his  work. 


A   CHANGE   OF  BASE. 


361 


Passing  through  Oakland,  I  saw  a  poor  old  woman 
thrown  into  terrible  disorder  by  a  kick  from  the  cow 
she  was  milking  in  her  yard.  Judging  by  the  quantity 
of  milk  lying  around  loose,  she  must  have  been  nearly 
through  her  task,  and  was  probably  in  the  very  act  of 


GOOD   BYE. 


complimenting  the  cow  for  her  generosity,  when  the 
spiteful  animal  gave  the  pail  a  hoist  completely  over  the 
old  woman's  head  like  a  huge  helmet,  while  the  lacteal 
fluid  ran  down  her  body.  The  pail  seemed  to  stick, 
despite  her  efforts  to  remove  it. 

As  I  looked  back  I  could  see  her  groping  toward  the 
16 


362  A   SURPRISE   PARTY. 

house;  her  visage  still  concealed  in  the  blue  bucket.  She 
did  look  odd  enough  as  she  felt  her  way  up  the  steps 
with  that  novel  head-dress  decorating  her  person,  and 
must  have  given  somebody  a  surprise. 

The  night  before  I  was  there  an  amusing  incident 
occurred  near  the  Point.  A  party  of  young  men  were 
serenading  a  newly-married  couple,  and  not  receiving 
the  attention  they  believed  was  their  due,  and  pretty 
well  saturated  with  "  sour  mash  whiskey,"  made  bold 
to  enter  the  sanctum  sanctorum,  or  bridal-chamber.  "With 
out  more  ado,  they  laid  violent  hands  upon  the  legs  of  the 
astonished  and  expostulating  bridegroom,  and  attempted 
to  drag  him  from  the  warm  sheets. 

During  the  struggle  which  followed,  the  slats  gave 
way,  and  down  with  a  terrific  crash,  went  shouting  bride 
and  bridegroom,  the  billowy  bedclothes  closing  com 
pletely  over  them.  The  serenaders,  thinking  they  had 
gone  rather  too  far  with  the  joke,  betook  to  flight,  and 
stood  not  upon  the  order  of  their  going,  but  left  as  though 
a,  posse  of  black  hornets  was  escorting  them  to  the  street. 

The  last  person  out  took  a  look  over  his  shoulder  at 
the  bed  just  as  he  reached  the  door.  All  he  could  see 
was  four  feet  and  four  hands,  sticking  through  the  white 
bedding,  beating  time  in  sweet  unison  to  the  music  of 
departing  footsteps. 

There  is  a  youth  in  Oakland  who  bids  fair  to  be  a 
second  Landseer.  As  I  passed  his  father's  residence  I 
saw  the  young  aspirant  at  work  sketching  from  nature. 


STRUGGLING  GENITS.  363 

He  had  the  foot  of  a  little  cur  fast  in  the  jaws  of  a 
steel- trap  staked  in  the  orchard.  The  artist  sat  at  a 
short  distance  sketching  the  poor  fellow,  as  he  stood  on 
three  legs  gazing  at  the  heavens  and  crying  piteously. 


BOUND   TO   RISE. 

He  was  probably  striving  to  get  the  expression  of  pain 
upon  the  dog's  face,  and  by  the  grin  upon  his  own  coun 
tenance  I  judged  he  was  succeeding. 

There  was  something  in  the  pair  that  reminded  me  of 
Pharhasius  and  the  Captive  ;  and  being  in  somewhat  of  a 
sketching  mood  myself  at  the  time,  I  produced  my  book 
and  pencil,  and  leaning  over  the  fence,  sketched  the 
painter  and  howling  model. 

On  my  way  back  to  the  city  the  bay  seemed  even 
rougher  than  in  the  morning.  There  was  hardly  a  pas 
senger,  male  or  female,  on  board  the  ferry-boat,  but  what 
showed  symptoms  of  trouble  in  the  interior.  Although 


364 


AN   OBJECT  OF   PITT. 


most  of  them  would  have  been  excellent  subjects  for 
the  artist  of  a  comic  pictorial  to  have  encountered,  my 
attention  was  directed  towards  an  elderly  lady  who  sat 
with  folded  arms,  the  elbows  resting  upon  her  knees, 
and  a  most  woe-begone  expression  was  depicted  upon 
her  wrinkled  visage.  Some  passengers  who  were  sick 
were  able  to  partly  conceal  their  emotions;  she  was 
not ;  every  muscle  of  her  face  betrayed  her.  She  was 


THE  WOMAN  THAT  WAS   SICK,    AND    COULDN'T    HELP  BUT   SHOW   IT. 

If  there  was  an  individual  amongst  that  crowd  of 


A    LOUDER    CALL    FOR   SYMPATHY.  365 

passengers,  who  knocked  louder  at  the  door  of  sympa 
thy  than  the  old  lady  referred  to,  it  was  unmistakably 


THE   WOMAN    THAT   WAS    SICK    AXD    HAD    TO    GET    UP   AND    GO    IT. 


A   ROLLING-    STONE. 


SEPTEMBER  15TH. 
TTTHILE  climbing  Telegraph  Hill  this  afternoon  in 

»  »  company  with  a  gentleman  named  Stone,  I  saw 
an  amusing  illustration  of  the  old  maxim,  "  A  rolling 
stone  gathers  no  moss."  "We  had  almost  completed  the 
ascent  on  the  side  of  the  hill  next  India  Dock,  when 
Stone's  feet  slipped  from  under  him,  and  striking  upon 
his  side  he  commenced  a  rapid  descent. 

About  four  hundred  feet  of  steep  grade  stretched 
before  him  without  let  or  hindrance.  I  saw  at  a  glance 
he  was  bound  to  pass  over  every  inch  of  the  space  before 
he  stopped.  Onward  he  went,  gathering  speed  as  he 
proceeded,  and  catching  wildly  around  him  at  every 
revolution ;  but,  as  there  was  nothing  growing  upon  the 
barren  slope  but  stunted  grass  or  brittle  moss,  his  efforts 
to  "slow  speed"  were  in  vain.  After  he  had  made 
about  ten  revolutions  his  hat  came  off,  and  for  a  short 
time  the  race  between  him  and  his  tile  was  truly  inter 
esting.  It  would  have  been  an  even  bet,  which  would 


THE    HAT    DISTANCED. 


367 


first  reach  the  fence  at  the  bottom  of  the  hill.  After 
making  about  half  the  distance,  however,  the  hat  swung 
in  ahead  of  him. 

Whether  it  was  the  wind  acted   upon  it  I  couldn't 


A   THROUGH   PASSENGER. 


tell,  but  Stone  overhauled  it,  and  passing  over  it,  ma 
terially  injured  its  form  as  a  roller,  by  giving  it  an 
oblong  shape,  and  soon  left  the  crushed  hat  wabbling 


368  NO  MOKE  BIRD'S-EYE  VIEWS. 

far  behind.  He  turned  neither  to  the  right  nor  to  the 
left,  but  rolled  as  straight  down  the  hill  as  a  saw-log 
down  the  bank  of  a  river  into  a  mill  pond.  Goats 
nibbling  in  the  vicinity  would  pause  in  their  repast  and 
look  pitifully  at  the  gentleman  as  he  went  tumbling  by 
them.  When  coming  to  some  shelf  he  would  bounce 
up  about  three  feet  into  the  air,  and  continue  down  the 
incline  with  increased  velocity.  Nor  did  he  stop  his 
downward  career  until  he  brought  up  whack  against 
the  fence. 

Fortunately  he  was  unhurt,  but  was  so  dizzy  that 
everything  was  turning  around  him  for  an  hour  after 
wards.  He  declares  to  his  friends  that  though  he  should 
live  in  San  Francisco  until  he  became  so  old  as  to  forget 
the  way  to  his  mouth,  he  has  taken  his  last  look  at  the 
city  and  surrounding  bay  from  the  summit  of  Telegraph 
Hill.  And  when  we  think  of  his  last  descent  from  that 
high  altitude,  we  can  hardly  wonder  at  the  declaration. 


DUDLEY  AND  THE  GREASED  PIG-. 


SEPTEMBER  22o. 

BOIL  STEICKEN  Job  had  his  comforters(?)  who, 
despite  his  timely  injunction,  "  Oh,  lay  your  hands 
upon  your  mouths,  and  thereby  show  your  wisdom," 
would  still  drum  in  his  ear,  "  Hear  us,  for  we  will  speak." 

Poor  old  Falstaff  had  his  evil  genius  in  Bardolph,  his 
impecunious  follower,  with  his  u  Lend  me  a  shilling." 

And  I  have  my  burdensome  "  Jiin  Dudley,"  with  his 
"  Let  me  tell  you  a  story."  I  was  kept  awake  last  night 
listening  to  his  cursed  yarn  about  the  "  greased  pig,"  as 
if  I  cared  anything  about  his  villainous  scrapes. 

"  Oh  yes,  that  scrape  with  the  greased  pig  ?  I  never 
told  you  about  it,  eh  ?  It's  worth  heerin',  for  that  was 
a  darned  race,  and  I  came  mi'ty  nigh  gettin'  shoved  out 
of  the  village  on  account  of  it,  too,  now  I  can  tell  ye. 
Down  on  me  ?  Thunderation !  I  reckon  you'd  think 
so  if  you  heered  the  holler  in'  that  was  gwine  on  for  a 
while  arter  that  race,  some  cryin'  one  thin'  and  some 

another.     <  Tar  and  feather  the  cheat,'  one  would  holler. 
16* 


370  JIM   GETS   INTERESTED. 

"  <  Lynch  the  onerous  cuss ! '  another  would  shout. 

"  '  Put  him  in  a  sack  and  h'ist  him  over  the  bridge ! ' 
would  come  from  another  quarter. 

"  A  doctor  was  never  so  down  on  an  old  midwife,  as 
they  were  on  me  arter  that  race,  especially  old  Parson 
Coolridge,  who  was  one  of  the  principal  sufferers,  yer 
see. 

"  It  was  May  Day  amongst  'em,  and  the  hul  village 
seemed  to  be  out  thar  enjoyin'  'emselves. 

"  They  had  sack  races  and  wheelbarrow  races.  That 
was  the  day  blindfold  Tom  Moody  ran  the  wheelbarrow 
through  the  grocer's  window,  and  Old  Shulkin  knocked 
him  down  with  a  ham,  and  a  dog  run  away  with  it.  He 
charged  Tom  with  the  ham  in  the  bill,  along  with  the 
broken  winder. 

"  They  had  a  greased  pole  standin'  thar  with  a  ten 
dollar  greenback  tacked  on  top  of  it,  but  no  person 
could  get  within  ten  feet  of  the  bill.  The  hungry 
cusses  were  standin'  around  gazin'  wistfully  up  at  the 
flutterin'  greenback  like  dogs  at  a  coon  in  a  tree  top. 

"I  didn't  try  the  pole,  but  when  they  brought  out 
the  greased  pig — a  denied  great  slab-sided  critter,  jest 
in  good  condition  for  racin', — I  got  sort  of  interested  in 
the  performance.  His  tail  was  more'n  a  foot  long,  and 
it  was  greased  until  it  would  slip  through  a  feller's  fin 
gers  like  a  newly  caught  eel. 

"  Several  of  the  boys  started  arter  him,  but  they'd 
jest  make  one  catch,  and  before  they  were  certain  whether 


THINKS  HE'LL  TRY  A  CATCH.  371 

they  had  hold  of  it,  they  would  go  one  way  and  the  hog 
would  go  another.  And  then  the  crowd  would  holler. 

"  I  was  standin'  thar  a  leanin'  over  the  fence  watchin' 
of  'ein  for  some  time,  and  I  see  the  pig  was  in  the  habit 
of  formin'  a  sort  of  ring  .with  his  tail ;  leastwise  he'd  lap 
it  over  so  that  it  e'enmost  formed  a  knot — all  it  lacked 
was  the  end  wanted  drawin'  through.  I  caFlated  that 
a  feller  with  pooty  nimble  fingers  could  make  a  tie  by 
jest  slippin'  his  fingers  through  the  ring  and  haulin' 
the  end  of  the  tail  through.  That  would  make  a  plaguy 
good  knot,  and  prevent  his  hand  from  slippin'  off. 
Arter  thinkin'  over  it  for  some  time  I  concluded  if  1 
could  git  up  a  bet  that  would  pay  for  the  hardships 
that  a  feller  would  be  likely  to  experience,  I  would  try 
a  catch  anyhow. 

"  So  I  ses  to  Jake  Swasey,  who  stood  along  side  of 
me,  '  Jake,  I  believe  that  I  kin  hold  that  durned  pig 
until  he  gins  out.' 

"'Hold? 'he  ses,  surprised  like  and  raisin' his  eye 
brows  just  that  way,  'what's  the  matter  of  ye?  hain't 
you  slept  well  ?  Ye  mout  as  well  try  to  hold  the  devil 
by  the  tail  as  that  big  slab-sided  critter.' 

" '  Wai  now,  jest  wait  a  bit,'  ses  I ;  so  I  went  on  and 
told  him  what  I  cal'lated  to  do,  and  arter  he  looked  a 
while  he  ses, '  Wai,  go  ahead,  Jim,  I'll  back  ye.  I  reckon 
we  can  git  any  amount  of  odds  so  long  as  we  keep  the 
knot  part  of  the  business  to  ourselves.' 

"So  pullin'  off  my  coat  I  gin  it  to  Jake  to  hold, 


372  THE   MONEY    OOING    UP. 

and  jumpin'  on  the  fence  I  hollered,  <  I'll  bet  ten  to 
twenty  that  I  kin  freeze  to  the  pig's  tail  till  he  gins  out ! ' 

"  Gosh  all  fishhooks !  you  ought  to  have  seen  'em  a 
rustlin'  towards  me.  I  couldn't  see  anythin'  but  hands 
for  five  minutes,  as  they  were  holdin'  of  'em  up  and 
signaliri'  an'  a  hollerin',  i  I'll  take  that  bet,  Dudley,  I'll 
take  that  bet  1'  I  got  rid  of  what  money  I  had  about 
me  pooty  soon,  and  Jake  Swasey  was  jest  a  spreadin' 
out  his  greenbacks  like  a  paymaster,  and  arter  he 
exhausted  his  treasury  he  started  arter  his  sister  to  git 
what  money  she  had.  I  hollered  to  him  to  come  back — I 
was  f  earin'  he'd'  tell  her  about  the  knot  business ;  but  he 
wasn't  no  fool  and  knowed  too  well  what  gals  are  to 
trust  her  with  any  payin'  secret. 

"  Old  Judge  Perkins  was  thar,  jolly  as  a  boy  on  the 
last  day  of  school.  Wai,  he  was  holdin'  of  the  stakes 
and  his  pockets  were  crammed  chockfull  of  greenbacks. 
He  was  a  pooty  good  friend  of  mine,  and  couldn't  con 
ceive  how  in  thunder  I  was  agwine  to  get  my  money 
back. 

"  Beckonin'  of  me  one  side — '  Dudley '  ses  he,  kind  of 
low  that  way,  and  confidentially  like,  1 1  know  you're 
as  hard  to  catch  as  an  old  trout  with  three  broken  hooks 
in  its  gill ;  but  I  can't  help  thinkin'  a  greased  pig's  tail 
is  a  mi'ty  slippery  foundation  to  build  hopes  on.' 

"  '  Never  mind,  Judge,'  ses  I  winkin',  '  I  can  see  my 
way  through.' 

"  '  Yes,  Dudley,'  he  ses,  a  shakin'  of  his  head  dubious 


THE    MYSTIC   TIE. 


373 


like,   '  that's  what  the  fly  ses  when  he's  a  buttin'  his 
head  against  the  winder.' 

"'Wai,'  ses,  I  < without  the  tail  pulls  out,  I  cal'late 
to  travel  ini'ty  close  in  the  wake  of  that  swine  for  the 


JUDGE   PERKINS. 


next  half  hour ;'  and  with  that  I  moved  off  to  where  the 
pig  was  listenin'  to  all  that  was  gwine  on. 

"  I  fooled  round  him  a  little  until  I  got  betwixt  him 
and  the  crowd,  and  when  he  flopped  his  tail  over  as  I 
was  tellin'  ye,  I  made  one  desperate  lunge,  and  made  a 
go  of  it  the  fust  time.  I  jest  hauled  the  end  through 
while  he  was  turnin'  round,  and  grabbin'  hold  above 


374:  THE   HOG'S   STRATAGEM. 

my  hand  rolled  it  down  into  the  tightest  knot  you  ever 
sot  eyes  on.  It  was  about  two  inches  from  the  end  of 
the  tail,  and  he  scolloped  around  so  derned  lively  that 
no  person  could  see  it.  The  crowd  allowed  I  was  hang- 
in'  on  the  straight  tail,  and  they  didn't  know  what  to 
make  of  the  performance  anyhow. 

" '  Go  it  piggy  ! '  I  ses  to  myself  just  that  way,  1 1 
guess  it's  only  a  question  of  endurance  now,  as  the  gal 
said  when  she  had  the  flea  under  the  hot  flat  iron.' 

"  The  gate  was  open,  and  arter  a  few  circles  around 
the  lot  the  hog  p'inted  for  it,  and  away  he  went,  pig 
fust  and  I  arter.  He  ran  between  the  feet  of  old  Mother 
Sheehan,  the  fruit  woman,  jest  as  she  was  comin'  through 
the  gateway  with  a  big  basket  full  of  apples  on  each 
arm.  I  did  hate  like  snakes  to  hoist  the  old  lady, 
durned  if  I  didn't !  I  would  ruther  have  run  around  a 
mountain  than  do  it,  'cause  you  see  she  had  jest  been 
gittin'  off  a  bed  of  sickness  that  came  nigh  shroud  in' 
her,  and  she  wasn't  prepared  for  a  panic  by  any  means. 

" i  I  did  my  best  to  swing  the  critter  around  and  git 
him  off  the  notion  of  goin'  through,  but  his  mind  was 
made  up.  Thar  was  plenty  of  room  outside  for  him  to 
pass  along  without  disturbin'  the  old  lady,  but  a  hog  is 
is  a  hog  you  know,  contrary  the  world  over.  Besides 
he  allowed  he  could  brush  me  off  by  the  operation,  but 
I  wasn't  so  easily  got  rid  of.  The  money  was  up,  you 
see,  and  I  had  no  choice  but  to  follow  where  he  led  and 
stay  by  the  cuss  until  he  gin  out.  <  Where  thou  goest, 


THE    OLD    WOMAN    PANIC    STRICKEN.  375 

I  will  go/  I  ses  to  myself,  remember-in'  the  passage  in 
the  scriptures,  and  duckin'  my  head  to  follow  him.  I 
scrouched  down  as  low  as  I  could  and  keep  on  my  feet, 


A   RISE   IN   THE   FRUIT   BUSINESS. 


for  I  cal'lated  do  my  best,  the  old  woman  would  git 
elevated  pooty  durned  lively.  My  legs  are  pooty  long, 
and  when  stoopin'  down  my  back  ridged  up  ruther  high 
to  admit  of  a  free  passage  under. 

"She  hollered   as  though  a  whole  menagerie,— ele- 


SHE   HAS   THE   SYMPATHY    OF   OLD   FOLKS. 

phants,  snakes  and  all — was  a  trainin'  through  between 
her  legs.  Her  sight  wasn't  any  too  clear,  and  the  whole 
proceeding  had  come  upon  her  so  sudden  that  she  didn't 
exactly  know  what  sort  of  an  animal  was  effectin'  a 
passage.  She  would  have  been  satisfied  it  was  a  hog  if 
it  hadn't  taken  so  long  for  him  to  git  through.  I  fol 
lowed  so  close  to  his  hams  that  she  reckoned  we  both 
made  up  one  animal.  The  hog  gin  a  snort  when  he 
started  in  to  run  the  blockade,  and  she  ses  to  herself, 
'  Thar  goes  a  big  hog;  '  but  about  the  time  she  reckoned 
he  had  got  out  on  the  other  side  of  her,  I  come  a 
humpin'  and  a  boomin'  along  in  my  shirt  sleeves,  and 
gin  her  a  second  and  higher  boost,  thro  win'  the  old 
woman  completely  off  her  pins  and  out  of  her  calcula 
tions  at  once. 

"  She  did  holler  good,  thar's  no  mistake  about  that. 

"The  crowd  hoorayed  and  applauded.  The  older 
ones  of  course  sympathized  with  the  poor  old  woman ; 
but  they  could  do  nothin'  more,  'cause  the  whole 
catastrophe  come  upon  her  as  sudden  as  an  earthquake 
and  nobody  seemed  to  be  to  blame.  I  wasn't,  and  they 
all  could  see  that  plain  enough,  because  I  yanked  the 
old  hog's  hind  quarters  around  pooty  lively  when  I  see 
what  his  intentions  were,  and  got  down  lower  than  I 
would  for  a  great  many  in  that  town.  The  young  uns 
went  for  the  scattered  apples,  but  the  pig  and  I  kept 
right  on  attendin'  to  business.  Now  and  agin  he'd 
double  back  towards  the  crowd,  and  they'd  commence 


PERKINS    NOT    IN   RUNNING   ORDER.  377 

scatterin'  every  which  way,  trampin'  on  each  other's  feet. 
Si  Grope,  the  cashiered  man-of-wars-mari,  stepped  on 
old  Pat  Cronins  bunion,  and  he  responded  by  fetchin' 
the  old  salt  a  welt  in  the  burr  of  the  ear,  and  at  it  they 
went  tooth  and  nail  right  thar.  A  few  stopped  to  see 
fair  play,  but  the  body  of  the  crowd,  about  three  hund 
red,  kept  right  on  arter  I  and  the  hog. 

"  Jake  Swasey  managed  to  git  up  pooty  nigh  to  us 
once  and  hollered,  <  How  are  you  makin'  it,  Jim  ?' 

"  '  Fustrate,'  I  answered ;  <  I  caFlate  to  stick  to  the 
derned  swine  through  bush  and  bramble  like  a  tag-lock 
to  an  old  wether,  till  I  tire  him  out.' 

" '  That's  the  feelin','  he  shouted,  and  with  that  we 
left  him  behind.  The  old  judge  was  a  puffin'  and  a 
blowin',  strivin'  his  best  to  keep  up,  and  for  some  time 
he  actewally  led  the  crowd. 

"  In  his  younger  days  he  was  mi' ty  spry,  and  at  col- 
lar-and-elbow  or  a  rough-and-tumble,  was  ginnerally 
shunned.  But  latterly  he  had  led  sech  a  sedentary  life 
he  sort  of  run  to  pussiness.  When  he  was  a  runnin'  his 
in'ards  were  continewelly  gwine  glug-glug,  glug-glug, 
somethin'  like  a  horse  trottin'  down  hill,  which  was  not 
only  mi'ty  annoyin',  but  derned  tellin'  on  a  feller.  He 
didn't  hold  out  very  long,  but  gradewelly  sank  back  to 
the  rear. 

"  Rod  Munnion,  the  tanner,  stumbled  and  fell  while 
crossin'  the  street.  His  false  teeth  dropped  out  into 
the  dirt,  and  while  he  was  scramblin'  on  all  fours  to  git 


3T8 


THE   TAILOR   "  WETS       A   NEW    SUIT. 


'em  ag'in,  a  feller  named  Welsh,  who  was  clatterin'  past, 
slapped  his  foot  down  and  bent  the  plate  out  of  all  shape. 
Munnion  snatched  'em  up  ag'in  as  quick  as  the  foot  riz, 
and  wipin'  'em  on  his  pants  as  he  ran,  chucked  'em  back 
into  his  mouth  ag'in,  all  twisted  as  they  were.  They 
did  look  awful  though,  stickin'  straight  out  from  his 
mouth,  and  pressin'  his  lip  chock  up  ag'inst  his  nose. 
"  Bow-legged  Spinny,  the  cabbagin'  tailor,  was  thar. 


BOW-LEGGED  SPINNY. 


He  met  the  crowd  while  carryin'  home  Squire  Lock- 
wood's  new  suit,  and  catchin'  the  excitement  of  the 
moment,  tossed  the  package  into  Slawson's  yard,  and  it 
bounded  into  the  well  quicker  than  scat.  He  didn't 


SPINNY    GOES   TO    GRASS.  379 

know  it  though,  but  hollered  to  the  old  woman,  as  he 
ran  past  the  window,  to  look  arter  the  package  until  he 
got  back.  Not  seein'  any  package  she  allowed  he  was 
crazy  as  a  cow  with  her  head  stuck  in  a  barrel,  and  flew 
to  boltin'  of  her  doors  pooty  lively.  He  had  been  once 
to  the  Lunatic  Asylum,  you  see,  and  they  were  still  sus 
picious  of  him. 

"  The  crowd  thought  to  head  us  oil  by  takin'  down  a 
narrow  lane,  and  it  was  while  they  were  in  that,  that 
they  began  to  surge  ahead  of  Judge  Perkins.  He  was 
al-fired  quick  tempered,  and  pooty  conceited,  and  when 
bow-legged  Spinny  was  elbowin'  past  him  he  got  mad. 
Catching  the  poor  stitcher  by  the  coat  tail,  he  hollered  : 
4 What!  a  denied  thread  needle  machine,  claimin'  pre 
cedence?'  and  with* that  he  slung  him  more'n  ten  feet 
landin'  him  on  his  back  in  a  nook  of  the  fence. 

"  That  was  the  day  they  buried  old  Mrs.  Redpath, 
that  the  doctors  disagreed  over.  Dr.  Looty  had  been 
doctorin'  her  for  some  time  for  bone  disease.  He  said  her 
pelvis  bones  war  decayin'.  He  didn't  make  much  out 
of  it  though,  and  they  got  another  doctor. 

The  new  feller  said  he  understood  the  case  thorough 
ly,  he  ridiculed  the  idea  of  bone  disease,  and  went  to 
work  doctorin'  for  the  liver  complaint.  He  said  it  had 
stopped  workin'  and  he  was  agwine  to  git  it  started 
ag'in.  I  reckon  he'd  have  accomplished  somethin'  if 
she  had  lived  long  enough,  but  she  died  in  the  mean 
time.  When  they  held  a  post-mortem,  they  found  out 


380  A  CASE  OF   MALPRACTICE. 

the  old  woman,  some  time  in  her  life,  had  swallered  a 
fish-bone  which  never  passed  her  stomach,  and  eventu 
ally  killed  her. 

"  <  Thar,'  ses  Dr.  Looty,  <  what  did  I  tell  ye  ?  You'll 
admit,  I  reckon,  my  diagnosis  of  the  disease  was  right 
arter  all,  only  I  made  a  slight  error  in  locatin'  the 
bone !' 

"  '  Bone  be  splintered !'  ses  the  other  feller,  <  hain't  I 
bin  workin'  nigher  the  ailin'  part  than  you  ?'  So  they 
went  on  quackin'  thar  and  disagreein'  over  her  until  old 
Hedpath  got  mad  and  hollered,  'You  derned  melon- 
headed  cusses !  isn't  it  enough  that  I'm  a  widderer  by 
your  fumblin'  malpractice,  without  havin'  ye  wranglin' 
over  the  old  woman  !'  So  he  put  'em  both  out,  and 
chucked  their  knives  and  saws  arter  'em. 

"  But  as  I  was  sayin',  that  was  the  day  of  the  funeral, 
and  while  it  was  proceedin'  from  the  church  to  the 
buryin'  ground  with  Parson  Coolridge  at  the  head,  with 
his  long  white  gown  on,  we  hove  in  sight  comin'  tearin' 
down  to'ards  the  parsonage.  The  minister  was  a  feller 
that  actewelly  doted  on  flowers.  When  he  wasn't 
copyin'  his  sermons,  he  was  fussin'  around  among  the 
posies.  He  had  his  gardin  chock  full  of  all  kinds  of 
plants  and  shrubs.  Thar  you  could  see  the  snapdragon 
from  Ireland,  the  fu-chu  from  China,  the  snow-ball 
from  Canada,  the  bachelor's  button  from  Californy,  and 
every  kind  you  could  mention. 

"  He  had  noticed  the  gardin  gate  was  open  when  the 


THE   PARSON    BECOMES   INTERESTED.  381 

funeral  passed,  and  it  worried  him  considerable.  So 
when  he  heered  the  hootin'  and  hollerin'  and  got  sight 
of  the  crowd  surgin'  down  the  street,  and  see  the  pig 
and  I  pointin'  in  the  direction  of  the  house  he  couldn't 
go  ahead  no  how. 

"  Turnin'  around  to  the  pall  bearers  who  were  puffing 
along  behind  him,  he  ses,  'Ease  your  hands  a  minit, 
boys,  and  let  the  old  woman  rest,  'till  I  run  back  and 
see  if  that  vampire  of  a  Dudley  is  agwine  to  drive  that 
hog  into  my  gardin.  Confound  him  !'  he  contin'ed, '  he's 
wuss  to  have  around  the  neighborhood  than  the  seven 
years'  itch.'  With  that  he  started  back  on  the  run,  his 
long  white  gown  a  flyin'  away  out  behind,  the  most 
comical  lookin'  thing  you  ever  see.  And  he  could  run, 
that  Parson  Coolridge.  Durn  my  buttons  !  if  it  wasn't 
astonishin'. 

"  I  reckon  he  hadn't  stirred  out  of  a  walk  before  for 
thirty  years,  and  yit  he  streaked  it  over  the  ground  as 
though  it  was  an  every  day  occurrence. 

"His  j'ints  cracked  and  snapped  with  the  unusual 
motion  like  an  outhouse  stairs  in  frosty  weather,  but  he 
didn't  mind  that  so  long  as  he  could  git  over  the  ground. 
He  was  thinkm'  of  his  favorite  plants  and  the  prospect 
of  their  gitting  stirred  up  and  transplanted  in  a  manner 
he  wasn't  prepared  to  approve.  He  did  jerk  back  his 
elbows  pooty  spiteful,  now  I  can  tell  you.  He  tried  to 
make  the  gate-way  fust,  and  put  in  his  best  strides.  But 
when  he  saw  he  couldn't,  he  hollered,  '  Keep  that  infar- 


382 


COOLRIDGE    SWEARS    VENGEANCE. 


nil  great  wild  hog  out  of  my  gardin,  Dudley,  or  by  the 
rod  of  Aaron,  I'll  take  the  law  of  ye.' 

"  c  Don't  git  wrathy,  Parson    Coolridge,'  I    shouted. 
;  I  can't  prevent  the  cuss  from  gwine  in.     I  have  hold  of 


NIP   AND   TUCK. 


the  rudder,  but  I'll  be  gol  derned  if  I  can  control  the 
ship.'     With  that,  through  the  openin'   we   went,  pig 


LOSERS  CLAIM  A  FOUL.  383 

fust  and  I  arter,  and  the  hul  crowd  a  clatterin'  behind 
us. 

"  The  judge  was  amongst  'em,  but  got  left  in  the  hind 
end  of  it,  where  the  women  were  comin'  a  trottin'.  The 
Parson's  flowers  went  down  with  broken  necks  quicker 
than  lightnin'.  It  wasn't  more'n  ten  seconds  until  they 
were  six  inches  under  ground,  for  the  hog  kept  a  circlin' 
around  and  the  hoorayin'  crowd  follerin'  arter,  payin' 
no  more  attention  to  the  Parson,  than  if  he  had  been  a 
young  'tin  a  runnin'  around  in  his  night -shirt.  When 
they  saw  the  crowd,  the  pall  bearers  and  most  of  the 
people  who  were  jest  follerin'  the  remains  through  sym 
pathy,  turned  back  on  the  run  and  left  the  mourners 
standin'  thar  by  the  coffin. 

"  Oh !  it  was  the  most  excitin'  time  the  village  had 
ever  experienced.  The  ground  was  too  soft  in  the  gar- 
din  for  the  pig  to  git  around  well,  and  pooty  soon  he 
gin  out.  I  was  al-fired  tired  and  was  hangin'  a  dead 
weight  on  him  for  the  last  ten  minutes. 

"  "When  the  boys  see  the  knot  on  the  tail  you  ought 
to  hear  'em  a  hollerin',  <  Bets  off !  bets  off  !'  They  were 
set  on  claim  in'  a  foul,  and  surrounded  the  old  judge 
demandin'  thar  money. 

"But,  as  the  crowd  was  increasin'  and  the  Parson 
was  e'enmost  crazy,  the  judge  told  'em  to  come  with 
him  to  the  Court-house — he  wouldn't  decide  nothin'  in 
the  gardin.  As  the  hog  couldn't  walk,  the  judge  took 


JiH-|  Til  10    rm'H    TAIL    AH    KV  1 1  >KN(  !K. 

liin  tobacco  knife  Mini  nil,  I  lie  tail  oil' and  look  it  alon<r 
with  liiin  to  introduce  HH  proof.  lie  decide*!  in  my 
favor.  He  said  that  I  li:id  held  on  l,o  I  ho  tail  and 
touched  nolliiiT  else,  and  if  I  managed  to  tie  a  knot 
while  runniir  I  lia,d  performed  a  feat  never  before  beard 
of  in  (he  country,  so  IK;  paid  over  llie  money. 

a  lint  Parnon  Coolrid^o  wan  the  most  worked  iij>  of 
nny  of  Yin.  He  li.-id  le^id  advice,  on  Ilio  in;itler,  but 
Ilid  luwyor  told  liiin  to  p^in  it  uj),  lor  ilu-.  jnd^e,  wan  on 
my  side.  liOHidcH  lio  nbouldn't  liav(^  left  tlie,  #11  to.  open, 
if  lie  didn't  want  llie  pi«j  1<>  o-0  in  \\\n\;  A  rtei'  a,  vvliilo 
lie  j-in  up  I  IK-  notion  ('!  ,11111  me,  l>nl  \\lnle  IK-  stopped 
in  tlm  village  IK^  never  ^ol  (»ver  it. 

"  rriit3  boyrt  liad  piclui'es  eliall<ed  up  on  (lie  I'eneeH  and 
sho])  doorn,  HO  that  wherever  yoiiM  look  you'd  8CO 
Hkotrlu^  of  Ihe  Parson  runniir  hack  from  llie  eollin, 
and  iiui  n  holdin1  on  to  llie  |»i^s  tail.  I  Ie  paid  out  more 
tluin  len  dollai'H  in  small  HIIIIIH  to  one  l.oy  Ihat  belonged 
lo  (he  Sunday  r.cliool,  hiriiT  him  lo  ^o  around  and  nib 
Ollt  the  pictures  wherever  heM  happen  lo  see  'em.  Hut 
every  lime  llie  Parson  would  nlart  out  through  Ihe  vil 
In^e,  tluir  on  some  fence  or  door,  or  side  of  a,  huildiif, 
would  he  the  same  denied  picture  of  him  a  slrea.kin'  it 
lo  liea<l  oirihe  lu^,  so  he  would  start  l.lm  ho)  nrter  thai 
one. 

"One  even'iiT  lie  ha])pened  to  catch  the  name  little 
en:;:,  hard  at  work  spreadin'  himself  chalkiiT  out  llio 
identical  nketcb  on  Ihe  cooperV  nbop  door,  and  WIIB  BO 


A     1U-SINKSS    IU  KSTKI.. 


domed  mad  he  chased  him  all  over  the  village.  The 
young  speculator  had  bin  carry  in'  on  a  lively  business, 
but  arter  that  discovery  thar  was  a  sudden  fallin'  away 
in  his  income  from  that  quarter.  Oh !  it  made  a  plag'y 


MHliK     I.KiHT     ON      Illl 


stir  thar  for  a  while,  and  I  reckon  if  Judge  Perkins 
hadn't  been  on  my  side  I'd  have  been  obliged  to  pt  out 
of  the  place,  for  they  all  looked  up«m  me  as  an  af-fired 
scoundrel.  But  come,  Jet'n  Hip  lor  the  drinks." 


17 


SAN  RAFAEL. 

OCTOBER  IST. 

"YTESTERDAY  I  took  a  trip  to  San  Eafael.  On 
-*-  entering  the  town  I  was  surprised  at  the  scarcity 
of  men  in  the  place.  There  were  plenty  of  women — 
fashionably  dressed  and  otherwise — to  be  seen  in  the 
houses  or  gardens,  but  I  rarely  encountered  one  of  the 
male  sex  in  my  travels  through  the  streets.  This,  I  at 
first  supposed,  was  owing  to  the  number  of  gentlemen 
residing  there,  who  carry  on  business  in  San  Francisco, 
and  are  consequently  in  the  latter  place  during  the  day.  I 
was  informed,  however,  by  the  proprietor  of  the  hotel 
at  which  I  stopped,  that  such  was  not  the  case.  He 
assured  me  it  was  mainly  owing  to  the  fact  that  the 
Marin  County  Court  commenced  that  morning,  and 
most  of  the  male  inhabitants,  as  was  their  custom  on 
such  occasions,  had  taken  to  the  surrounding  woods  and 
mountains  to  escape  jury  duty. 

San  Rafael  is  beautifully  situated  between  high  green 
hills,  and  said  to  possess  the  healthiest  climate  of  any 

town  in  the  State.     During  the  summer  months  people 

386 


A   NICE    PLACE    TO    PROMENADE.  387 

flock  there  from  all  parts  of  the  country.  Healthy  peo 
ple  pay  high  prices  at  the  hotels  for  the  privilege  of 
living  there,  and  sickly  people  do  likewise,  for  the 
privilege  of — dying  there. 

The  peculiarities  of  the  town,  and  the  distinctive 
manners  and  customs  of  the  inhabitants  have  been  ably 
described  by  a  poet  whose  effusions  have  not  yet  been 
translated  into  the  foreign  languages.  Following  is  a 
part  of  the  poem  which  bears  directly  on  San  Rafael : 

"  Here  rest  we  now  in  San  Rafael, 
Where  invalids  and  nurses  dwell ; 
Where  yelping  dogs  run  through  the  street 

Like  wolves  across  a  prairie  wide, 
And  cattle  wild  as  bison  meet 

You  face  to  face,  on  every  side ; 
With  tails  in  air,  and  frothy  nose, 
And  levelled  horns  they  round  you  close. 

Where  people  sit  around  the  door, 

In  lazy  groups  of  three  or  four, 

And  still  their  chronic  thirst  abate 

With  copious  draughts  of  "  whiskey  straight." 

There  was  quite  an  excitement  in  the  town  before  I 
left.  A  fire  broke  out  in  an  ash  barrel  situated  in  the 
rear  yard  of  the  house  at  which  I  was  stopping,  and  for 
a  time  threatened  to  destroy  the  ashes.  There  is  no 
estimating  the  amount  of  damage  the  citizens  might 
have  suffered  if  the  fire  had  spread  to  a  wash-tub  that 
stood  close  by.  Business  was  generally  suspended  and 
stock  in  the  insurance  companies  went  down  immediately. 


388 


ENERGETIC   ACTION. 


The  citizens  breathed  more  freely,  however,  when 
the  efficient  and  energetic  Fire  Department  turned  out 
promptly  as  one  man,  and  hastened  to  the  city  water 
works,  situated  on  a  slight  eminence  in  the  centre  of  the 


THE   FIRE   DEPARTMENT. 

town,  and  turning  on  the  water  succeeded  in  extinguish 
ing  the  flames.  The  only  damage  done  was  the  partial 
burning  of  the  barrel,  and  the  scorching  of  the  wash-tub 
and  five  dog-houses.  The  dogs  were  lying  under  the 
kitchen  stove  at  the  time  and  escaped  injury. 


OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY 


RIDING-  IN  THE  STREET  CARS. 


A  duel's  amang  ye  takin*  notes, 

And  faith  he'll  prent  it. — Burns. 

OCTOBER  GTH. 

THE  greater  portion  of  this  day  I  have  spent  riding  in 
the  street  cars.  I  find  it  is  quite  a  pleasant  way  of 
passing  a  few  leisure  hours.  Neither  is  it  an  extrava 
gant  way  of  entertaining  one's  self. 

On  figuring  up  I  find,  by  choosing  the  longest  routes, 
it  cost  just  seven  and  one  quarter  cents  per  hour.  This 
is  certainly  reasonable. 

There  is  always  something  amusing  to  look  at  as  you 
pass  along.  There  stands  the  nervous  old  lady  upon 
the  street  corner.  She  wishes  to  ride,  and  endeavors 
to  signal  the  driver  and  prepare  for  embarking  at  one 
and  the  same  time.  She  proves  the  truth  of  the  old 
saying  that  a  person  may  get  too  many  irons  in  the  fire. 
In  her  eagerness  to  attract  the  attention  of  the  driver  or 
conductor,  she  is  not  aware  that  in  lifting  her  skirts 
she  has  got  one  or  two  thicknesses  nigher  the  skin  than 
she  intended,  or  than  is  actually  necessary, — without 
she  intends  bathing  her  limbs  in  the  neighboring  horse- 

389 


390 


NOT   TO   BE    LOOKED   AT. 


trough.     Poor  old  lady !     It  is  not  our  place  to  look  at 
her  even  though  she  does  present  a  picture  that  might 


THE   SIGNAL    STATION. 


well  attract  the  artistic  eye.  As  we  cannot  draw  her 
lifted  skirts  over  her  stumpy  limbs  again,  we  can  at 
least  turn  our  eyes  from  the  singular  spectacle  and 
study  the  advertisements  ranged  around  for  our  special 
benefit.  She  emits  a  short,  quick  cry,  half  whoop  and 
half  squeal,  and  signals  repeatedly,  to  do  which  the 
inevitable  umbrella  is  brought  into  requisition,  and 


STUDYING    THE    FASHIONS.  391 

flourished  around  her  head  as  though  she  was  warding 
off  a  detachment  of  aggressive  wasps.  She  gives  the  con 
ductor  a  look  of  surprise,  if  not  anger,  because  he  com 
pletes  the  curve  before  stopping  to  take  her  up.  The 
old  lady  means  business,  and  has  never  got  it  through 
her  head  that  conductors  have  rights  which  she  is  bound 
to  respect.  She  no  doubt  believes  that  on  all  occasions 
and  at  all  times  he  ought  to  seize  the  strap  and  stop  the 
car  as  suddenly  as  he  would  a  clock  by  holding  the  pend 
ulum. 

Then  there  are  the  fashions  which  we  can  study  with 
out  having  to  pay  exorbitant  prices  for  seats  in  the 
theatres.  It  is  even  better  than  to  go  to  a  fashionable 
church.  This  reminds  us  of  our  last  experience  in  a 
house  of  prayer  where  we  had  no  pew.  We  were  shown 
into  one  by  the  accommodating  sexton,  who  meant  well 
enough,  but  who  actually  got  us  into  a  scrape.  He  was 
not  aware  the  owner  of  the  pew  returned  from  the 
Springs  the  day  before,  and  shortly  he  and  his  whole 
family  rustled  in.  It  was  indeed  quite  embarrassing, 
and  inspired  anything  but  pious  thoughts. 

There  we  were  posted  in  the  centre  of  the  pew,  the 
cynosure  of  all  eyes  for  once  in  our  life,  like  a  strange 
scholar  in  the  district  school.  The  fact  that  we  were 
crippled  down  upon  our  knees  engaged  in  prayer  didn't 
help  our  case  a  particle;  we  were  intruding  and  there  is 
no  rubbing  it  out. 

We  had  not  followed  the  rule, — pay  your  way  first, 


392  A   CONFUSED   PBATEB. 

then  pray  afterwards, — but  on  the  contrary,  in  our  eager 
ness  to  gain  salvation,  we  planted  our  feet  upon  another 
man's  head — as  it  were — the  better  to  reach  a  blessing, 
and  we  reaped  our  reward.  Our  prayer  became  confused 
and  scattered,  we  lost  our  hold  upon  the  Ear  above, 
which  turns  to  catch  the  outpourings  of  a  more  contrite 
heart. 

In  the  earnestness  of  our  cry,  we  may  suppliantly 
scrub  the  floor  with  our  knees,  so  firmly  clasp  our  hands 
the  fingers  become  imbedded  in  the  backs  thereof,  and 
piously  rivet  our  gaze  upon  the  stucco  ornaments  over 
head,  until  our  eyes  seem  frozen  in  their  sockets ;  but  our 
disturbed  mind  will  gig  back  to  our  thread-bare  coat,  and 
our  greasy  hat,  that  occupy  a  prominent  position  on 
the  elegant  cushion  by  our  side.  Indeed  it  will. 

The  new  comers  regarded  us  with  looks  which  left  no 
doubt  in  our  mind  it  would  afford  them  infinite  satis 
faction  to  shake  us  over  that  unpleasant  place,  which 
the  good  parson,  by  precept  and  parable,  was  zealously 
striving  to  direct  us  around. 

Besides  the  advantages  which  a  ride  in  the  street  car 
offers  us  in  the  way  of  studying  the  fashions,  we  often 
see  strange  sights,  well  calculated  to  awaken  our  humor. 
There,  for  instance,  we  encounter  the  sleepy  passenger  ; 
who,  in  charity  let  us  hope,  is  drowsy  through  loss  of 
rest,  rather  than  loss  of  reason  !  Let  us  hope  he  is  some 
physician  who  has  been  attending  to  his  patients  ;  or  a 
minister  of  the  gospel  who  has  spent  the  night  by  the 


QUITE  INDIFFERENT. 


393 


bedside  of  some  dying  penitent.  Or  a  supervisor,  who — 
while  his  constituents  have  been  snugly  dreaming  away 
their  troubles, — has  been  legislating,  and  growing  hoarse 
declaiming  for  the  public  good.  Doctor  or  supervisor,  as 


RATHER    "SLOROPPY." 

the  case  may  he,  it  is  evident  he  is  sleepy,  and  cares  not 
who  knows  it.  Otherwise  he  would  pick  up  his  hat, 
which  has  fallen  off,  before  it  has  twice  been  stepped  on 
by  passengers  staggering  through  the  car  while  in  motion. 

With  a  persistency  truly  amusing  he  tips  in  the  direc- 
17* 


394  KNOWS   A   GAME   WORTH   TWO   OF  IT. 

tion  of  some  old  lady,  who  apparently  hates  men,  espe 
cially  when  excessive  sleepiness(?)  makes  them  familiar. 
He,  however,  is  oblivious  of  her  likes  or  dislikes,  even 
of  her  presence  it  would  seem. 

He  bobs  towards  her  until  his  dishevelled  fore-lock 
actually  tickles  her  under  the  ear,  which  sensation  causes 
her  to  start  suddenly,  and  look  around  so  quickly,  that  a 
person  must  think  the  movement  gave  her  a  crick  in  the 
neck,  and  her  subsequent  rubbing  of  the  cords  below  the 
ear  would  seem  to  bear  out  the  supposition  as  a  correct 
one. 

Then,  as  we  ride  along  we  can  see  the  bold  police 
man  !  standing  by  the  corner  of  a  building.  He  is  earn 
estly  looking  down  a  narrow  lane  taking  notes  perhaps ; 
but  more  likely  watching  the  progress  of  a  fight,  and 
wisely  waiting  until  all  the  pistols  are  discharged  before 
venturing  to  arrest  any  of  the  belligerent  parties,  lie 
looks  as  though  it  would  not  take  much  longer  reflection 
or  many  more  shots,  to  make  him  forego  that  duty  in 
toto,  and  turn  around  to  arrest  the  poor  Chinese  vege 
table  peddler,  who,  with  his  basket  pole  upon  his  shoulder, 
is  trotting  along  upon  the  sidewalk,  and  thereby  viola 
ting  one  of  the  city  ordinances.  While  hustling  the 
prisoner  to  the  station  house  he  would  escape  perform 
ing  more  unpleasant  and  risky  business. 

He  is  in  the  right  of  it,  too,  when  a  person  comes  right 
down  to  reason  the  case.  The  policeman  may  have  a 
family  depending  on  him  for  support.  Or  it  may  be 


HE    WILL    LET   OUT    THE    JOB. 


395 


upon  the  very  stroke  of  the  hour  when  his  duty  for  the 
day  will  cease,  and  he  can  saunter  to  his  home,  leaving 
his  successor  to  rush  in  and  stay  the  slaughter. 

It  may  be  argued  that  the  policeman  is  paid  to  take 


SNIFFING   THE   BATTLE   FROM   AFAR. 


prisoners,  and  consequently  to  take  chances.     This  is 
true,  but  he  is  not  paid  to  commit  suicide.     For  a  broad 


396  TASTES    DIFFER. 

man  like  him,  to  move  down  a  narrow  lane,  up  which 
the  bullets  are  whistling,  can  hardly  be  considered  any 
thing  short  of  it.  Oh  !  he  is  a  cunning  fellow  I  tell  you, 
and  revolves  the  matter  carefully  in  his  mind  before 
taking  action. 

He  has  been  too  long  a  resident  of  San  Francisco,  and 
too  long  a  member  of  the  "  star  brigade,"  not  to  know 
that  the  city  can  better  afford  to  lose  two  or  three  indif 
ferent  citizens,  than  it  can  one  able  and  efficient  police 
man. 

We  turn  from  the  policeman  to  contemplate  the 
flashy  looking  blonde,  who  comes  bouncing  in  with  her 
poodle  dog  in  her  arms. 

After  she  is  seated  she  amuses  some  of  the  passengers 
and  displeases  more,  by  the  affectionate  names  she  lav 
ishes  upon  the  little  sore-eyed  pet  in  her  lap.  Some  of 
the  passengers  would  doubtless  like  to  be  the  dog  and 
others  would  almost  like  to  be  a  distemper  that  they 
might  legally  kill  the  dog.  She  temporarily  ends 
her  caresses  by  repeatedly  kissing  its  cold  peaked  nose, 
to  the  infinite  disgust  of  the  majority  of  the  passen 
gers,  who,  rather  than  witness  a  repetition  of  the 
provoking  act,  look  out  of  the  windows  and  become 
suddenly  interested  in  the  construction  of  the  buildings 
or  fences  along  the  route. 

And  then  there  is  the  impatient  passenger,  who  is 
either  limited  in  time  or  sense. 

He  foolishly  attempts  to  leave  the  car  while  it  is  in 


SITS    DOWN    TO    THINK    OVER    IT. 


397 


motion  in  order  to  save  a  few  moments.  Immediately 
afterwards  he  wishes  he  hadn't,  and  sits  down  with  con 
siderable  feeling  to  think  over  his  rashness. 

When  we  consider  the  roughness  of  his  seat,  and  the 
unexpected  manner  in  which  he  settled  on  it,  we  have 


"  OH  !  " 

to  acknowledge  that  he  sits  with  considerable  grace. 
However,  as  he  has  lost  time,  instead  of  gaining  it  by 
the  action,  he  will  perhaps  try  to  catch  a  better  hold  of 
the  old  rascal's  fore-lock  the  next  time  he  is  running 
past  him. 


THE   VALUE    OF    A    COLLAR. 


OCTOBER  12iH. 

DE  AK   ME,  dear  me !  what  a  terrible  dodging  life 
the  poor  city  cur  leads,  to  be  sure,  whose  owner 
does  not  consider  him  of  sufficient  importance  to  war 
rant  taking  out  a  license.     His  excursions  must  necessa 
rily  be  limited. 

He  never  dares  bark  in  the  day  time,  and  now  I  think 
of  it,  that  may  account  for  his  howling  all  night.  To 
bark  between  the  hours  of  seven  in  the  morning  and 
six  in  the  evening  would  be  equivalent  to  running  his 
head  into  the  pound-keeper's  lariat.  He  knows  it  too, 
the  rascal,  and  hardly  indulges  in  a  yelp,  even  if  his  tail 
is  trod  upon.  I  have  always  noticed  that  the  eyes  of 
the  cur  that  wears  no  collar — (which  would  entitle  him 
to  the  freedom  of  the  city) — protrude  from  the  sockets 
much  farther  than  the  optics  in  the  head  of  the  licensed 
animal.  I  have  noticed  this  fact  and  pondered  over  it, 
striving  not  a  little  to  arrive  at  some  satisfactory  con 
clusion  in  regard  to  the  matter.  It  may  be  that  this 

398 


THE  PROTRUSION  ACCOUNTED  FOR. 


399 


strange  protrusion  is  brought  about  by  the  continual 
strain  while  on  the  look  out  for  the  pound-keeper  or  his 
sneaking  aids. 

Another  peculiarity  about  the  unlicensed  cur,— his 
eyes  are  invariably  the  color  of  tobacco  juice.  "  Why 
are  they  so  ?  "  you  probably  inquire.  Be  patient  and  I 
will  tell  you?  It  is  the  result  of  the  burning  envy 
continually  agitating  his  breast  and  adding  a  bloodier 
luster  to  his  orbs. 

How  must  envy  consume  his  very  vitals  when  he 
beholds  his  younger  brother,  perhaps,  trotting  forth  into 


NO   COLLAR,    NO   CRUMBS. 

the  street,  his  neck  encircled  with  the  leather  zone  that 
insures  him  respect  and  immunity  from  assault ;  while 


400  A   WEAKNESS    FOR    HUMAN   FLESH. 

he  must  cower  behind  the  ash  barrel,  and  wait  for  night 
to  temporarily  shield  him  from  insult  and  injury. 

The  old  adage  is  hardly  applicable  to  his  case.  He 
has  no  day,  but  he  has  his  night,  however,  and  he 
would  be  a  fool  not  to  make  the  most  of  it. 

How  trifling  a  thing  will  draw  the  line  between  him 
and  his  licensed  brother.  One  white  foot,  perhaps,  a 
spot  too  many  on  the  head,  or  want  of  one  above  the 
tail  may  have  cursed  him  through  the  length  and 
breadth  of  his  existence.  If  he  lives  it  must  be  by  his 
wits.  Every  man's  hand  or  boot  seems  to  be  against 
him.  The  licensed  dog  can  stretch  lazily  upon  the  side 
walk  and  oblige  the  pedestrians  to  go  around  him 
rather  than  take  the  chances  of  stepping  over,  or  stirring 
him  up  with  a  kick. 

It  is  dangerous  business,  this  waking  up  a  dog  with 
your  boot.  You  may  take  him  in  a  time  when  not  in 
the  mood  for  permitting  such  familiar  demonstrations. 

Perhaps  he  may  be  hungry,  and  since  the  dogs 
devoured  poor  painted  Jezebel,  their  weakness  for 
human  flesh  will  occasionally  make  itself  manifest.  I 
who  have  been  thrice  vaccinated  by  a  canine  tooth,  (and 
it  took  each  time,  too,)  speak  knowingly  on  this  subject. 

Now  as  I  gaze  out  upon  the  street,  I  mark  the  slow 
approach  of  the  pound-keeper's  dingy  cart.  Ever  and 
anon  it  comes  to  a  sudden  halt,  and  skirmishers  are 
deployed  on  each  side  to  search  the  alley-ways  and 
lanes  along  the  route.  Hark!  what  cry  is  this  that 


ALL   FAEE   ALIKE. 

comes  quavering  forth  from  that  shaky  prison?  A 
bark  ?  No,  never  a  bark,  but  a  quavering  bleat  from 
the  pale  lips  of  a  poor  old  goat.  Alas  !  poor  goat 

It  too,  was  evidently  straying  about  unlawfully,  and 
in  consequence  is  now  occupying  a  position  that,  how 
ever  irreverent  the  thought  may  be,  reminds  me  of 
Daniel  in  the  lion's  den. 

His  fellow  prisoners  are  dogs  of  every  breed  under 
the  sun. 

There  is  no  discrimination  in  that  moving  prison,  no 
separate  cells.  The  full  blood  setter  pup,  fares  no 
better  than  the  worthless  poodle  that  couldn't  smell  a 
quail  a  yard  distant  unless  it  was  roasting.  The  big, 
sour,  surly  mastiff,  with  bloodshot  eyes  and  pendent 
jowl,  who  long  has  been  the  acknowledged  champion  of 
a  block,  and  in  his  day  lacerated  many  a  paw,  hasn't 
even  a  growl  to  offer,  but  crouches  side  by  side  with 
the  poor  maimed  and  mongrel  cur  that  for  years  has 
been  racking  through  life  on  three  legs. 

Still  the  dismal  looking  cart  jolts  along  attracting  the 
attention  of  the  passing  crowds.  Still  the  villainous 
looking  aids,  who  flank  the  vehicle,  trail  their  ready 
lariats,  and  dart  exploring  glances  into  every  nook  and 
corner.  And  as  I  gaze,  I  marvel  to  see  how  quickly  the 
outlaws  get  a  knowledge  of  its  approach,  and  stand  not 
upon  the  order  of  their  going,  but  precipitately  leave 
for  back  yards  and  kitchens. 


HUNTING  WITH  A  VENGEANCE. 


OCTOBER  20TH. 

"  That  man  received  his  charge  from  me." — Shakspeare. 

MY  friend   butcher   Gale  has   been    quail    hunting 
under   difficulties.     His  case  is  a  sad  one,  and  as  I 
feel  in  somewhat  of  a  rhyming  mood  at  present,  I  will 
invoke  the  gods,  and  with  eyes  in  "  fine  frenzy  rolling," 
proceed  to  state  his  case  in  verse. 

"  Come  leave  your  hogs,"  said  lawyer  Boggs 

To  red-faced  butcher  Gale, 
"  We'll  take  a  day  across  the  bay, 

And  slather  lots  of  quail." 

Soon  guns  were  got,  and  bags  of  shot, 

With  powder,  wads,  and  caps, 
And  up  the  canons  dry  and  hot, 

Tramped  these  two  city  chaps. 

Old  lawyer  Boggs  had  borrowed  dogs 

Well  worth  their  weight  in  gold  ; 
The  setter  had  a  "  double  nose," 

And  it  of  her  was  told, 

402 


SAGACIOUS    DOGS. 

That  she  could  scent  two  different  ways 
»     As  easy  as  you  please ; 
While  one  nose  smelled  along  the  ground, 
The  other  sniffed  the  trees. 


403 


ADVANCE    OF   THE    EXPEDITION. 


The  pointer  had  peculiar  traits, 
His  power  of  scent  was  small ; 

But  if  he  saw  three  birds  at  once, 
He  pointed  at  them  all. 


404:  QUAIL   BATHER  MYTHICAL. 

For  while  his  nose  would  indicate 

Where  one  poor  piper  sat, 
His  tail,  straight  as  a  marline-spike, 

Would  point  another  at ; 

Then  if  a  third  one  raised  its  head, 

Preparing  for  the  air, 
That  dog  would  balance  on  three  legs, 

And  aim  the  other  there. 

With  such  a  pair  the  quick  to  scare, 

And  then  retrieve  the  dead, 
The  hunters'  sole  remaining  care 

Was  how  to  scatter  lead. 

They  traversed  gorge  and  gully  low, 
And  many  a  slippery  height, 

And  though  their  feet  did  heavier  grow, 
Their  game  bags  still  were  light. 

While  roving  o'er  the  mountain  side, 

It  seemed  that  every  quail 
Within  the  county  limits  wide, 

Was  piping  in  the  vale; 

But  when  they  would  forsake  the  hills, 

And  in  the  valleys  dive, 
It  seemed  as  if  the  heights  around 

With  bevies  were  alive. 

Boggs  had  one  fault,  from  childhood  brought, 
More  marked  with  age  it  grew; 

He  never  failed  to  shut  both  eyes' 
Whilst  he  the  trigger  drew. 


THE  DOGS  GO  BACK  ON  BOGGS.          405 

This  plan  might  do,  if  lead  he  threw 

At  barns  or  target  rings  ; 
But  frightened  quail,  when  turning  tail, 

Are  visionary  things. 

And  let  him  sight,  quick  as  he  might, 

Space  still  would  grow  between, 
And  bang !  would  go  the  shower  of  woe 

Just  where  the  bird— had  been. 


Tis  said  those  knowing  canines  knew 

While  men  were  taking  aim, 
Whether  or  not  'twould  be  their  lot 

To  gather  in  some  game. 

So  when  they  saw  Boggs  shut  both  eyes 

Whene'er  the  piece  he  fired, 
They  dropped  upon  their  haras  and  howled, 

And  from  the  hunt  retired. 

And  he  as  soon  could  cause  a  stump 

To  walk  upon  its  roots, 
As  from  a  sitting  posture  coax 

The  two  disgusted  brutes. 

Wide  was  their  aim,  and  wild  the  game, 

And  when  such  facts  do  yoke, 
There's  many  a  shot  goes  off,  I  wot, 

Brings  nothing  to  the  "  poke." 

The  grains  were  sown,  the  fields  were  mown, 

The  crops  proved  rather  thin ; 
Oft  was  the  raking  summons  thrown, 

But  slow  the  heads  came  in. 


4:06  MAKING    GAME    OF    A    FRIEND. 

A't  last  while  Gale  just  in  advance, 
Was  clambering  o'er  some  logs, 

He  got  a  charge  of  shot  by  chance, 
From  the  excited  Boggs. 


BOGGS   RETRIEVING   HIS    GAME. 

Then  was  there  rustling  there  a  spell, 

And  as  you  may  suppose, 
From  out  the  shaking  chaparral 

Linked  oaths  profusely  rose. 


AN    EXCUSE   READY.  407 

Boggs  dropped  his  gun  and  forward  run, 

With  apprehension  bleached, 
And  this  poor  lame  excuse  begun 

When  he  the  butcher  reached  ; 

"  A  splendid  shot !  I  quite  forgot 

Precisely  where  you  stood ; 
The  birds  flew  fast,  were  nearly  passed 

Behind  a  screen  of  wood  ; 

"  I  must  let  go,  or  lose  a  show 

Of  bagging  three  or  four, 
And  in  my  mind  you  were  behind, 

Until  I  heard  you  roar." 

He  cursed  the  logs  and  kicked  the  dogs, 

And  wished  on  toast  the  quail ; 
But  that  did  not  take  out  the  shot, 

Or  make  a  sore  spot  hale. 

The  doctors  who  have  dressed  his  wounds 

Have  to  his  friends  declared, 
That  though  he  is  a  sorry  sight, 

His  sight  is  not  impaired. 

Well  was  he  peppered,  but  my  muse 

Forbids  me  telling  where ; 
'Tis  hardly  proper  for  a  tale, 

Although  a  tail  affair. 

For  if  a  monkey  he  had  been, 

Instead  of  butcher  Gale, 
The  chance  was  fair  while  climbing  there 

For  him  to  lose  his  tail. 


408  THE    MORAL. 

There  is  a  moral  this  within, 
And  shaped  the  times  to  suit, 

But  lest  it  should  appear  too  thin, 
Here's  this  advice  to  boot : — 

Ne'er  venture  on  a  hunting  cruise 

With  any  green  galoot, 
Who  shuts  both  eyes  and  opes  his  mouth, 

When  he  attempts  to  shoot. 


QUAINT  EPITAPHS. 


OCTOBER  25TH. 
"TTTHILE  strolling  through  the  cemetery  in  Oakland 

'  »  this  afternoon  I  was  surprised  at  the  number  of 
quaint  epitaphs  there  to  be  found. 

For  a  while  I  almost  imagined  myself  rumaging  among 
the  old  time-worn  tombstones  in  some  English  or  "Welsh 
bury  ing-ground.  Many  are  written  in  verse,  especially 
on  the  stones  erected  between  the  years  1856  and  1860, 
which  proves  that  during  these  four  years  Oakland  had 
a  tombstone  poet  among  her  citizens. 

He  was  an  odd  genius,  whoever  he  was,  this  grave 
yard  rhymer. 

One  peculiarity  seems  to  have  been  his  coupling  with 
the  epitaph  a  brief  account  of  the  manner  in  which  the 
deceased  party  was  taken  off.  The  first  inscription 
which  attracted  my  notice  as  odd,  was  chiseled  upon  a 
large  marble  slab  which  leaned  over  the  spot  where  a 

party  who  had  borne  the  ancient  and  honorable  name  of 

18 


4:10          HOW  SMITH  COOKED  HIS  GOOSE. 

"  Smith,"  rested  from  his  labors.     The  obituary  ran 
thus: 

"  ^nith  ran  to  catch  his  fatted  hog, 
And  carried  the  knife  around, 

He  slipped  and  fell ; 

The  hog  is  well, 
But  Smith  is  under  ground." 

This  stanza  should  be  introduced  into  public  schools, 
and  adopted  as  a  morning  chant,  to  impress  upon  the 
mind  of  the  pupils  the  importance  of  a  person's  having 
his  wits  abcut  him.  Death  brought  about  by  such 
gross  carelessness  as  Smith  showed,  is — to  say  the  least 
— first  cousin  to  suicide,  and  doubtless  there  will  come 
a  time  when  Smith's  case  will  be  inquired  into. 

Under  a  large  oak  tree  on  the  south  side  I  came  upon 
a  tombstone  which  bore  no  date,  but  had  evidently  been 
erected  many  years.  The  fence  which  once  enclosed 
the  grave  had  nearly  disappeared,  nothing  remaining 
except  a  few  rotten  stakes  protruding  through  the  grass. 
What  once  had  been  a  mound  was  now  a  hollow,  which 
told  the  mute  gazer,  decay  had  done  its  worst. 

Through  a  rank  growth  of  weeds  and  briers,  a  few 
pale  neglected  flowers  raised  their  delicate  faces,  like 
virtue  struggling  heavenward  through  the  retarding 
throng  inhabiting  this  naughty  world. 

The  headstone  was  evidently  erected  before  the  poet's 
day,  and  he  who  erected  it  had  composed  the  epitaph. 
It  is  more  than  likely  he  chiseled  it  also,  as  the  letters 


SHE    HAD    TO    BE    LED.  411 

were  ill-shaped  and  irregular,  and  looked  as  though 
carved  out  with  a  pick. 

Here  is  afac  simile  of  the  inscription : 

"  Cynthy  Ann,  is  berried  here. 
Be  easy  with  her, 

Lord, 

And,  you  •won't  lose  nothing 
She  was  a  plaguy  good  wife  to  m« 

But 
She  wouldn't  be  druv." 

That  "  Cynthia  Ann  "  had  faults  is  evident  from  the 
tone.  But  I  thought  as  I  turned  from  the  spot,  if  her 
greatest  fault  lay  in  not  allowing  herself  to  be  "  druv  " 
her  prospects  were  better  than  the  average. 

What  a  contrast  was  the  line  inscribed  upon  a  tomb 
stone  directly  opposite : — 

"  He  sleeps  in  Heaven." 

Mere  speculation  only,  and  wild  at  that.  The  extrava 
gant  notion  that  a  person  sleeps  in  Paradise  must  have 
emanated  from  the  brain  of  some  sluggard,  who  thought 
that  heaven  without  sleep  would  be  like  prayer  without 
an  Amen.  The  "  sleeper's  "  name  was  Gregg,  and  from 
a  representation  of  a  pair  of  scissors  cut  upon  the  slab  I 
presumed  he  was  a  tailor.  On  making  inquiry  of  the 
sexton,  busily  engaged  closing  a  grave  at  the  time,  I 
found  my  supposition  was  right.  Gregg  was  a  tailor, 
but  met  death  at  the  heels  of  a  horse.  To  use  the  sex 
ton's  own  words  which  were  spoken  in  original  Greek. 


412  THE   SEXTON   SPEAKS   A  PIECE.      - 

"Begorra  he  was  a  tailor,  and  it  was  meself  that 
planted  him  there.     He  was  killed  in  the  barn  beyant, 


THE   SEXTON. 


while  sthrivin'  to  pull  the  makin's  of  a  fish-line  out  of 
the  tail  of  owld  Gleason's  stallion." 

"When  a  person  learns  what  his  occupation  had  been, 
and  how  he  died,  the  assertion  that  he  had  gone  to  heaven, 
must  strike  every  one  as  too  ridiculous  for  anything 


LAST   OF  THE   RACE.  413 

There  was  one  brief  epitaph  which  struck  me  as  a  ter 
rible  warning  to  wives  over-anxious  to  raise  a  large  fam 
ily  in  too  short  a  period  of  time.  It  was  inscribed  upon 
a  slab,  sacred  to  the  memory  of  Elizabeth  Snooky.  Under 
the  date  of  her  demise  were  -these  pointed  words : — 

"  Triplets  did  it." 

And  three  little  mounds  about  the  size  of  ant  hills 
ranged  along  side  of  the  mothers'  grave  corroborated  the 
statement. 

Not  less  amusing  or  quaint  was  the  verse  inscribed 
upon  the  plain  marble  slab  which  marked  the  resting 
place  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Barradier.  The  stone  was  prob 
ably  put  up  by  some  acquaintance  of  the  deceased  couple 
who  knew  that  their  marriage  had  been  anything  but  a 
happy  one,  the  verse  upon  it  also  informs  the  passer-by 
that  they  left  no  relations  to  perform  that  pious  duty. 
It  said : 

"  Released  from  worldly  care  and  strife, 
Here  side  and  side  lie  man  and  wife ; 

And  with  the  couple  buried  here 

Expired  the  name  of  Barradier." 


MISTAKEN  IDENTITY. 


NOVEMBER  2ND. 

I  "WITNESSED  an  amusing  scene  this  afternoon 
while  coming  np  from  the  post-office.  It  was  a 
case  of  mistaken  identity.  It  seems  a  somewhat  dissi 
pated  old  Irishwoman  was  deserted  some  weeks  ago  by 
her  husband. 

Through  her  domestic  troubles  and  excessive  drinking 
she  at  times  becomes  quite  crazy, — so  much  so  that  her 
friends  have  to  keep  a  constant  watch  over  her  to  pre 
vent  her  from  doing  mischief.  She  is  very  large  and 
powerful,  and  when  in  one  of  her  tantrums  is  no  easy 
person  to  manage.  It  appears  when  she  has  one  of 
these  crazy  spells,  she  imagines  she  recognizes  her  hus 
band's  Milesian  features  in  almost  every  face  she  looks 
upon. 

This  afternoon,  while  the  crazy  fit  was  upon  her,  she 
escaped  from  her  keepers,  and  rushed  into  the  street  with 
dilated  eyes  and  dishevelled  hair.  With  sleeves  rolled 
up  to  the  arm-pits  and  clenched  hands,  she  charged  up 


NOT   EASILY   DECIEVED.  415 

the  street,  looking  right  and  left  for  some  person  on 
whom  to  fasten.  ^.^ 

She  was  indeed  ripe  for  an  encounter,  and  nearly  the 
first  person  she  met  was  a  prominent  clergyman  return 
ing  to  his  residence  from  the  Mercantile  Library,  with 
his  newly  selected  book  under  his  arm.  She  stood  for 
a  moment  directly  in  front  of  the  minister,  aad  riveted 
her  red  optics  upon  his  face  in  an  inquiring  stare,  which 
soon  kindled  into  one  of  recognition. 

Anticipating  trouble  he  attempted  to  pass  around  her, 
and  proceed  quietly  on  his  way. 

But  she  was  too  quick  for  him. 

Beaching  out  her  long  bare  arm,  she  brought  it 
around  like  the  boom  of  a  sloop,  and  with  one  wide 
sweep  knocked  his  hat  spinning  to  the  sidewalk  at  her 
feet. 

He  stooped  to  pick  it  up  again,  and  while  bent  in  the 
act,  she  seized  him  by  the  hair  with  both  hands,  and 
giving  a  gutteral  laugh,  not  unlike  the  self-satisfied 
croak  of  a  down  east  bull-frog,  exclaimed : 

"  Ah  !  Barney,  ye  galavantin'  divil !  ye  can't  desave 
me  wid  yer  stove-pipe !  So  ye'd  dezart  the  wife  oj  yer 
boosome,  would  ye  ?  ah,  ha  !  come  home  wid  me  now, 
or  be  the  love  of  the  blessed  Yargin,  I'll  be  afther  takin' 
your  durty  ould  scalp  along  wid  me  !" 

A  soft  rabbit  under  the  wide  paw  of  a  California  lion, 
or  a  sparrow  in  the  talons  of  a  hawk,  is  not  more  utterly 
helpless  than  was  the  poor  domine  in  her  terrible  clutch. 


416 


THE   MINISTER   SQUEALS. 


His  position  was  anything  but  an  enviable  one.     It  ac 
tually  seemed  as  if  every  hair  upon  his  head  was  gathered 


A   DIVINE    IN   LIMBO. 


and  drawn  into  one  mass,  over  which  her  muscular 
fingers  held  complete  control. 

He  dropped  his  book  and  shouted  loudly,  partly 
through  pain,  and  partly  anger  at  seeing  the  fate  of  his 
fashionable  hat,  now  lying  under  her  great  broad  foot, 
flat  as  a  German  pancake. 

His  cries  of  fear  only  made  the  crazy  woman  more 
confident  of  her  abilities.  She  commenced  backing 
along  the  street,  in  the  direction  of  home,  and  at  every 


"MABMION  TO  THE  RESCUE."  417 

step,  with  an  irresistible  yank,  she  dragged  the  expostu 
lating  minister  along  with  her  over  the  uneven  sidewalk. 

She  had  snaked  him  along  fully  two  rods  in  this  man 
ner,  and  was  making,  to  use  a  nautical  phrase,  such  good 
stern-way  that  she  was  on  the  point  of  breaking  into 
a  trot,  when  her  heel  caught  on  the  edge  of  a  plank'. 

The  result  was  terrible  in  the  extreme. 

She  fell  backwards  pulling  the  unfortunate  captive  on 
top  of  her  in  the  most  ludicrous  position  imaginable. 

A  couple  of  gentlemen,  emerging  from  a  store  at  that 
instant,  looked  on  the  pair  in  blank  astonishment  for  a 
moment.  Recognizing  their  own  gifted  pastor,  they 
ran  to  his  assistance,  and  lost  no  time  in  raising  him  to 
his  feet,  turning  over  the  old  crazy  woman  to  an  officer 
who  happened  at  that  moment  to  step  out  of  a  saloon. 


18* 


NOVEMBER  9xn. 

"VTO  poet,  however  gifted,  can  get  along  without  his 
-Li  muse  any  better  than  a  navigator  can  without  his 
compass.  If  the  goddess  is  not  at  his  elbow,  the  lyre 
hangs  mute  upon  the  wall,  and  the  pen  corrodes  in  the 
ink.  Then  what  can  the  poor  limited  rhymer  do  without 
a  muse  to  inspire  him  ?  As  mine  is  at  present  lean 
ing  over  the  back  of  my  chair  in  a  very  encouraging 
manner,  I  will  strike  my  harp  and  lay  the  following 
heart-rending  tale  before  the  world  in  verse. 


SIMON  BAND. 


First  gonsip—"  Was  she  false  ?  " 

Second  gossip—"  Ay,  false  as  her  teeth."—  Old  Volume. 

In  Siskiyou,  a  tanner  lived, 
Whose  name  was  Simon  Rand ; 

He  loved  the  miller's  daughter,  fair 
Annetta  Hildebrand> 

The  maiden  loved  the  tanner,  too, 

(At  least  the  maid  so  said,) 
And  she  the  happy  day  had  named 

The  parson  would  them  wed. 

The  golden  day-dreams  lengthened  as 

The  season  shorter  grew, 
And  Cupid  slAng  his  bow  across 

His  shoulder,  and  withdrew. 

A  golden  pointed  arrow  lay 

Imbedded  in  each  heart ; 
The  little  god  conjectured  they 

Could  never  live  apart. 


420  A   RIVAL   APPEARS. 

But  fire  will  test  the  iron  safe, 
And  powder  prove  the  mine, 

And  tempests  try  the  ship  at  sea, 
The  woodman's  axe  the  pine. 

And  gold  will  sound  the  human  heart, 
The  maiden's  love  it  tries ; 

It  is  the  plummet  weight  that  proves 
How  deep  affection  lies. 

One  Jacob  Towle,  a  rival,  came 
To  darken  Simon's  days, 

His  clothes  were  fine,  his  purse  a  mine, 
He  drove  a  span  of  bays  ! 

The  fair  Annetta  was  his  mark ; 

He  deftly  played  his  hand, 
He  turned  her  giddy  head  around, 

And  love  from  Simon  Rand. 

The  tanner  saw  his  dove  prove  daw, 
And  scarce  believed  his  eyes  ; 

But  change  was  there,  in  look  and  air, 
And  in  her  curt  replies. 

He  called  one  night,  in  hopes  he  might 

Back  his  affianced  win; 
Word  came  by  "  sis"  (an  old  game  this), 

"  Annetta  was  not  in." 

But  ah !  how  keen  are  lovers'  eyes 
When  rivals  are  around ; 

A  glossy  hat  hung  in  the  hall, 
He  reached  it  with  a  bound. 


SIMON   TTJKNS   UP   MISSING. 

"See,  my  child,  a  pleasing  sight!" 
Said  he  with  a  ghastly  smile ; 

"  For  into  fraction,  into  mite, 
I'll  reduce  the  villain's  tile." 


421 


REVENGE    IS   SWEET. 

He  seized  it,  and  he  squeezed  it,  too, 

He  bowled  it  on  the  floor, 
He  thumped  it,  and  he  jumped  it,  and 

He  kicked  it  through  the  door. 

So  through  the  gate  he  then  escaped, 

And  he  was  heard  to  say, 
"  By  all  the  hides  that  I  have  scraped 

With  life  I'll  make  away." 

Next  morning  he  was  missing,  and 
The  neighbors  thought  it  queer; 

For  he  at  work  was  ever  found 
Throughout  the  busy  year. 


422  A   HEAVY   WAGER. 

Noon  came,  but  brought  not  Simon  back ; 

And  then  their  wonder  grew 
Into  a  fear,  that  he  had  done 

What  he  had  sworn  to  do. 

A  search  was  instituted,  and 

All  work  was  at  a  stand, 
For  weak  and  stout  alike  turned  out 

To  search  for  Simon  Rand. 

Across  the  mill-pond  and  the  flume, 
The  grappling  drag  they  drew, 

They  scanned  the  trees  and  probed  the  well* 
The  little  village  through. 

But  tale  or  tidings  none  they  found ; 

So  all  the  search  gave  o'er, 
And  sat  them  down  to  talk  and  smoke, 

Around  the  tavern  door. 

When  teamster  Joe  picked  up  a  hoc 

That  by  his  side  was  laid, 
And  turning  round  to  farmer  Pound, 

He  slapped  his  thigh  and  said, 

"  I'll  stake  my  strongest  pair  of  mules 

Against  Moll  Benson's  cat, 
That  Simon  Rand,  the  missing  man, 

Lies  dead  in  his  own  vat ! " 

No  face  was  there,  beard-hid  or  bare, 

Light,  tawny-hue,  or  dark, 
But  on  the  instant  plainly  showed 

The  weight  of  that  remark. 


LUET   TAKES   THE   LEAD. 

To  feet  they  sprung,  both  old  and  young, 
And  down  the  shortest  road, 

By  Silly's  still  and  Bur-rill's  mill, 
To  Simon's  shop  they  strode. 


423 


THE    EXPLORING   PARTT. 


One  pace  in  front  leaned  Parson  Lunt, 

Who  let  his  dinner  stand, 
And  joined  the  throng  that  surged  along 

In  iearch  of  Simon  Rand. 


4:24:  THE  ORDER  OF   PROCESSION. 

Across  his  shoulder,  stooped  with  age, 

He  poised  his  garden  rake, 
And  those  had  need  to  urge  their  speed 

Who  followed  in  his  wake. 

Then  side  and  side,  with  equal  stride, 
Pressed  Joe  and  Jasper  Lane ; 

Next  Elder  Chase  kept  even  pace 
With  stout  old  Sidney  Yane. 

Then  two  and  two,  and  three  and  three, 
And  sometimes  four  abreast, 

With  hoes  and  hooks,  and  thoughtful  looks. 
Come  clattering  on  the  rest. 

The  place  was  gained,  all  eyes  were  strained 
Towards  the  brimming  vat ; 

But  not  an  eye  its  depths  could  spy, 
Or  pierce  its  scum  of  fat. 

"  A  fearful  place,"  sighed  Elder  Chase, 
As  down  he  dipped  his  pole. 

"No  love  or  woe  could  make  him  throw 
Himself  in  such  a  hole. 

'*  A  man  would  choose  a  hempen  noose, 

A  pistol,  drug,  or  knife, 
If  he  designed  through  troubled  mind 

To  make  away  with  life." 

A  silent  group  they  kneel  and  stoop, 
And  shove  their  poles  around, 

Now  left,  now  right,  till  all  affright 
One  cried,  "  I've  something  found! 


THEY  THINK  THEY  HAVE  HIM.         425 

u  It's  him  I  know,  I  must  let  go ! 

I  dare  not  see  his  face 
When  coming  from  the  depths  below. 

Will  some  one  take  my  place  ?  " 

Then  Parson  Lunt  stepped  to  the  front, 

And  clasped  his  hands  in  prayer ; 
And  cried,  "  We  thank  thee  for  his  dust, 

His  soul  in  mercy  spare." 

Then  took  the  pole  from  Selby's  hand, 

Who  quickly  sought  the  rear, 
Yet  dodged  and  peeped  his  best  to  see 

If  Rand  indeed  was  there. 

Up  rose  the  heavy  burdened  hook ; 

"  That's  him !  "  a  dozen  cried ; 
But  when  they  took  a  second  look 

It  proved  a  brindled  hide ! 

Then  impious  Brown,  the  village  clown, 

Turned  from  that  vat  aside, 
And  laughed  until  the  tears  ran  down 

His  cheeks  as  though  he  cried. 

Still  round  he  went,  with  body  bent, 

His  face  one  endless  grin, 
Because  the  Parson  praised  the  Lord, 

Then  raised — the  heifer's  skin ! 

The  tools  once  more  sink  as  before, 

To  scrape  the  bottom  slow : 
Another  mass— they  strike — and  pass, 

It  rolls  along  below  I 


4:26  BROUGHT   TO   LIGHT. 

"  I  hare  him  now ! "  cried  Dennis  Howe, 
The  blacksmith's  helping  man ; 


UP  HE   COME3. 


While  down  his  face,  in  rapid  race, 
The  prespiration  ran, 


HE   MADE    SURE    WORK,  427 

With  mighty  grip,  and  backward  tip, 

Stout  Dennis  manned  the  pole, 
Which  bent  as  though  'twould  snap  and  go, 

And  Howe  would  backwards  roll. 

And  woe  is  me,  that  tanner  man, 

And  woe  is  me,  that  maid ! 
And  woe  is  me,  that  staring  group 

Around  that  vat,  afraid. 

The  hold  was  good,  the  pole  has  stood, 

And  up  the  hook  has  drawn 
The  poor  discarded  Simon  Rand, 

Dead  as  a  pickled  prawn ! 

And  lo !  a  great  cast-iron  weight 

Fast  to  one  leg  was  tiejl ; 
Which,  as  he  rose  did  oscillate, 

And  swing  from  side  to  side. 

Upon  a  door  his  form  they  bore 

Back  slowly  through  the  town, 
And  still  behind  them  left  a  trail 

Where  dripped  the  water  down. 

For  erery  step  fresh  showers  drew 

Down  from  that  litter  bare, 
From  garments  soaked  quite  through  and  through, 

From  mouth  and  nose  and  hair. 

'Twere  sad  to  tell  of  funeral  show 

That  in  that  town  was  seen ; 
Enough  to  know  that  Simon  low 

Lies  where  the  grass  ii  green. 


428 


"  MRS.  TOWLE,  AT   YOUR    SERVICE." 


Annetta,  now,  is  Mrs.  Towle, 
And  servants  on  her  wait ; 

And  dogs  with  uninviting  growl 
Drive  beggars  from  her  gate. 


UNPROMISING   OUTLOOK. 


And  Simon's  shop  has  gone  to  wreck, 

No  bark  is  needed  now, 
No  more  before  the  greasy  door 

Lie  horns  of  ox  or  cow ! 


HE    RETURNS    ANNUALLY.  429 

But  on  the  anniversary 

Of  that  distressful  night, 
The  superstitious  people  say — 

Within  it  burns  a  light. 

And  there  the  tanner  may  be  seen 

His  thin  arms  shining  bare, 
Bent  o'er  the  bench,  as  though  at  work 

Fast  scraping  off  the  hair ! 

Anon,  slow  rising  from  his  toil 

A  woeful  sigh  he  gives, 
And  gazes  long  towards  the  hill, 

Where  false  Annetta  lives. 

Then  turning  round  he  gives  a  bound, 

As  when  he  crushed  the  hat, 
And  fastening  to  his  leg  a  weight 

He  leaps  into  the  vat ! 

And  with  him  goes  the  wonderous  light 

That  shed  its  ghostly  ray  ; 
And  dismal  darkness  wraps  the  place 

Until  the  dawn  of  day. 


VISITING-  A  SCHOOL. 


NOVEMBER 

A  CCEPTING  an  invitation  extended  to  me  by  the 
-£^-  principal  of  the  Tehama  St.  school,  I  visited  that 
institution  to-day.  The  mass  of  young  humanity  a  per 
son  finds  in  one  of  these  temples  of  instruction,  imme- 


HEAD    OF   HIS    CLASS. 


diately  impresses  the  fact  upon  his  mind  that  some 
persons  have  been  doing  their  level  best  to  carry  out 
to  the  very  letter  the  ancient  injunction.  There  are 
eight  or  nine  hundred  scholars  attending  the  school. 


WOULD   LIKE   TO   CHOOSE   HER   GAME.  431 

This  article  would  be  incomplete  without  a  faithful 
sketch  of  the  boy  who  stood  at  the  head  of  his  class. 
How  he  felt  at  that  moment,  I  couldn't  say,  never  hav 
ing  any  experience  in  the  position  myself.  He  looked 
happy  and  confident,  however,  and  snapped  eagerly  at 
the  words  as  they  fell  from  the  teacher's  lips,  much  as  a 
dog  does  at  the  crumbs  falling  from  a  table.  My  sym- 


FOOT   OF  HER   CLASS. 


pathies,  however,  were  decidedly  with  the  little  contor 
tionist  who  stood  at  the  foot  of  her  class.  I  knew  how 
it  was  myself.  I  had  been  "  yar,"  and  I  regretted  I 
wasn't  a  ventriloquist,  that  I  might  from  afar  whisper 
in  her  ear,  and  thereby  assist  her  over  some  clogging 
syllables.  If  she  could  have  gone  into  the  yard,  where 
I  noticed  a  scholar  of  the  senior  class  throwing  herself 
in  a  delirium  of  joy  brought  about  by  a  skipping-rope, 
she  would  probably  have  aquitted  herself  in  a  credible 


432 


THROWING    HERSELF. 


manner,  and  won  the  praise  and  unqualified  approval 
of  all. 

For,  however  inferior  a  person  may  be  to  another  in 
some  matters,  when  they  can  choose  their  game   they 


"WHOOP  LA." 


often  reverse  the  order  of  things,  and  doubtless  the 
poor  stammering  scholar  could  have  skipped  the  shirts 
off  those,  jogging  ahead  of  her  in  the  common  speller. 


DUST  TO  DUST.' 


22ND. 

I  ATTENDED  the  funeral  of  a  Polish  Jew  to-day.  In 
conformity  with  the  rules  of  their  church,  the  body 
was  placed  in  the  coffin  in  a  perfectly  nude  state,  that 
the  scriptures  might  be  scrupulously  fulfilled,  "  Naked 
came  he  into  the  world,"  etc.  etc.  Some  wheat  straw, 
pieces  of  old  crockery,  and  glass  bottles  were  thrown 
into  the  coffin,  as  emblems  of  the  brittleness  of  life,  and 
the  worthlessness  of  the  body  after  animation  has  left  it. 

Though  the  man  had  left  great  possessions,  the  coffin 
was  very  plain,  and  so  rudely  put  together,  that  there 
was  danger  of  its  falling  apart  while  being  carried  from 
the  church  to  the  grave. 

While  the  bearers  were  carrying  it  down  a  hill  in  the 
grave-yard  the  body  surged  forward,  and  one  foot  par 
tially  projected  from  the  end  of  the  box.  As  there  were 
no  handles  on  the  coffin,  the  body  heavy,  the  day  wet, 

and  the  bearers  small  sized  men,  the  scene  at  the  grave 
19 


4:34        A  BEARER  MEASURES  THE  GRAVE. 

was  an   amusing,   rather  than   a   saddening  spectacle. 

One  bearer,  while  backing  along  the  excavation  with 
a  foot  on  each  side  and  dragging  the  coffin  after  him, 
slipped  and  fell  in.  The  hole  was  partly  filled  with 
water,  and  had  not  the  coffin  caught  on  a  plank  at  the 
edge  of  the  opening,  it  would  have  gone  down  end  first 
upon  the  poor  bearer,  who  was  lying  at  full  length  in  the 
bottom.  In  his  frantic  efforts  to  arise  he  was  clawing 
the  clay  from  the  sides  of  the  grave  and  slowly  burying 
himself  by  the  operation. 

It  may  be  all  right  to  follow  old  established  rules, 
I  am  not  disposed  to  set  myself  up  as  either  the  cham 
pion  or  antagonist  of  any  sect  or  creed  ;  no  person  shall 
consume  at  my  stake,  or  decay  in  my  dungeon,  because 
they  don't  think  as  I  do.  I  have  no  particular  objection 
to  people  burying  their  dead  head  downwards,  if  ancient 
custom  calls  for  it,  and  the  church  approves.  But,  if  I 
was  in  the  habit  of  remarking  or  giving  my  views  on 
such  a  subject,  I  would  say,  if  the  Creator  has  the  slight 
est  disposition  to  risibility,  or  is  ever  amused  at  the 
actions  of  poor  mortals  below,  He  must  smile  when 
beholding  His  creatures  working  at  such  a  disadvantage 
as  they  did  to-day,  under  the  silly  impression  that  hand 
les  to  a  coffin  would  prevent  the  deceased  from  entering 
Heaven's  gates. 


TO  HAVE  AND  TO  HOLD. 


NOVEMBER  SOra. 

Jonathan — "  I  hain't  got  no  tongue  for  soapin'  of  ye,  Susan  Jane,  I 
mean  business  I  do.  Will  ye  hev  me?" 

Susan  Jane — "I  don't  know  much  about  ye,  Jonathan  Junkit,  but 
dang  my  skirts,  if  I  don't  risk  it  any  how.  Yer's  my  hand.  I'm  yourn." 

—  Old  Volume. 

THIS  afternoon  I  attended  a  private  marriage  on 
Howard  Street.  I  may  safely  term  it  "marriage in 
high  life,"  as  the  combined  height  of  the  couple  was 
something  over  twelve  feet  two  inches. 

The  groom  was  a  bachelor,  who  for  many  a  year  had 
stood  around  the  fire  like  the  half  of  a  tongs,  very  good 
as  a  poker,  but  not  worth  standing  room  as  a  picker  up. 

He  looked  as  though  it  wouldn't  require  much  advice 
to  make  him — even  at  the  eleventh  hour — prove  recreant 
to  his  vows,  and  back  out  from  under  the  yoke  the 
reverend  gentleman  was  about  to  place  upon  his  neck. 

His  companion,  however,  was  no  novice  in  the  busi 
ness  in  which  she  was  engaged.  She  was  fearlessly 
embarking  upon  that  sea  on  which  she  had  twice  been 
wrecked,  but  she  was  nothing  loth  to  try  it  again. 

It  was  truly  encouraging  to  the  timorous  and  unini- 


436 


UNITED  THEY   STAND. 


tiated,  to  see  with  what  a  broad  smile  she  regarded  her 
husband  that  was  to  be ;  and  with  what  a  readiness  she 


THE   TRYING   MOMENT. 


responded  to  the  momentous  question,  propounded  by 
the  minister.  And  when  they  stood  as  husband  and 
wife,  her  old  Milesian  face  lighted  up  with  irrepressible 
joy,  until  it  beamed  like  a  Chinese  lantern. 

Her  emotions  went  far  to  convince  me  that  there  is 
in  those  fields  a  balm  for  every  ill ;  a  perfect  bliss  worthy 
the  seeking,  even  at  the  risk  of  receiving  the  bruised 
spirit,  if  not  the  bruised  head. 


A  REMARKABLE  MEAN  MAN. 


DECEMBER  2o. 

"TTHESTEKDAY,  while   passing    through    Stanislaus 
JL    County,  I  came  across  a  singular  looking  individ 
ual  dressed  in  a  greasy,  dingy  suit.     He  was  sitting  on  a 
log  before  his  door  engaged  in  repairing  a  shovel-handle. 

"  Say  stranger,"  I  said,  addressing  him,  "can  you  in 
form  me  where  Deacon  Shellbark  lives  ? " 

The  farmer  looked  up,  pushed  his  slouched  hat  back 
on  his  head,  and  after  surveying  me  some  time  in  silence, 
drawled  out : 

"  Be  you  any  relation  of  his'n  ? " 

"  No,"  I  replied,  a  little  surprised  at  his  manner  of 
answering,  "  I  haven't  a  relative  in  the  state." 

"  By  thunder !  I  congratulate  you  upon  your  good 
fortune,"  he  ejaculated,  "  particularly  because  there's  no 
tie  of  consanguinity  existin'  atwixt  you  and  old  Deacon 
Shellbark.  He's  expectin'  a  son  home,  and  I  thought 
you  mout  be  him.  . 

"  Wai,"  he  continued,  pointing  with  a  huge  jack-knife 


438  HE   IS   OPPOSED  TO   SCANDAL. 

• 

that  he  held  in  his  hand,  "you  see  that  house  to  the 
left  of  them  scrub  oaks,  don't  you  ?  that  ar  buildin'  with 
the  leetle  coopalow  on't  ?  Wai,  that's  whar  old  Deacon 
Shellbark  lives ;  the  meanest  man  in  Stanislaus  County, 
and  that's  sayin'  a  derned  sight,  too !  cause  we've  got 
some  vicey-fisted  customers  round  these  yer  parts,  men 
who  scrape  the  puddin'  pot  mighty  clean  before  the 
dog  gits  a  chance  to  canvass  it,  now  I  can  tell  ye.  But 
I  feel  safe  in  stickin'  in  old  Shellbark  at  the  head,  and  I 
ain't  agwine  to  haul  him  down  nuther.  I  don't  believe 
in  talkin'  much  about  one's  neighbors,  but  I  ginnerally  tell 
strangers  what  sort  of  a  man  he  is,  cause  if  they  go  to 
tradin'  with  him  and  aren't  on  thar  guard,  he'll  skin 
'em  quicker  than  a  whirlpool  sucks  in  a  dead  fish." 

"  You  know  the  Deacon  then  ? "  I  remarked,  while 
the  hope  I  had  entertained  of  getting  his  name  on  my 
subscription  list,  began  to  take  to  itself  wings. 

"Yes,  I  reckon  I  do  know  him,"  he  replied,  "pooty 
well  too ;  a  derned  sight  better  than  is  profitable  to  him, 
and  he  knows  it.  Oh,  you  bet  he  knows  it,  and  hates 
me  as  he  does  the  dry  murrain  that  gin  the  crows  fif 
teen  of  his  best  cows  last  summer.  I  knowed  him  back 
in  Scrabble  Town. 

"They  wouldn't  allow  him  to  come  within  pistol 
shot  of  a  church  back  thar,  because  they  more  than  sus 
pected  he  stole  the  wine  and  cheese  from  the  communion 
table  one  day.  They  were  down  on  him  flatter  than 
a  stone  on  a  cricket  allers  arterwards.  He's  a  deacon 


A  SOULLESS   DEACON.  439 

out  here  though,  but  that  ain't  nothin'.  He  can't  fool 
me  with  his  pray  in',  I  want  no  sech  crooked  old  disciple 
as  he  is  intercedin'  for  me,  you  know." 

"  I  was  hoping  he  would  subscribe  for  this  book," 
I  remarked,  "  but  I  am  afraid  there  is  not  much  use  of 
my  going  there  if  he  is  so  very  mean." 

"Look'e  here,  stranger,"  he  remarked  earnestly, 
"you  mout  just  as  well  stop  thar  whar  you're  standin'. 
Subscribe  !  He'll  gig  back  from  a  subscription  list  jest 
as  he  would  from  a  six-shooter." 

"Ah,  but  this  is  a  religious  work,  and  perhaps  he 
would  lend  that  his  support,"  I  answered  quickly. 

"  Religious  work  be  derned,"  exclaimed  the  farmer. 
"  That  doesn't  help  ye  any ;  you  can't  do  anythin'  with 
him,  'cause  he  hain't  got  no  more  soul  than  an  empty 
gin  bottle.  You  mout  as  well  bait  a  rat  trap  with  a 
cat's  head  and  expect  the  varmin  to  go  a  nibblin'  at  it, 
as  to  expect  him  to  put  his  name  down  to  anything 
that's  agwine  to  take  coin  from  his  pockets. 

"You're  a  stranger  in  these  yer  parts  I  see,  and  thar- 
fore  haven't  the  slightest  idea  what  a  derned  mean  man 
he  is,  why,  he'd  run  a  mile  to  git  on  the  sunny  side  of  a 
feller  to  cheat  him  out  of  his  shadow !  I  knowed  him 
back  in  old  Indiany.  He's  from  the  same  place  that  I 
am,  but  you  can  kick  me  on  eend  clear  over  to  them 
foot-hills  and  back  ag'in  if  I  don't  feel  like  takin'  pizin 
every  time  I  have  to  own  up  to  it.  He  used  to  be  in 
cahoot  with  a  tanner  back  thar  named  Doby ;  sleepy 


440 


SCRAPING   TOO   DEEP. 


Doby,  the  boys  called  him,  for  he  was  the  sleepiest  cuss 
you  ever  did  see.     Go  asleep  while  workin'  at  any  thin'. 


SLEEPY   DOBT. 


He  would  drop  asleep  sometimes  while  scrapin'  a  hide, 
and  cut  the  derned  thing  all  into  parin's,  and  at  other 
times  he  would  fall  back  into  the  tan  vat,  then  wake  up 
and  holler  for  the  boys  to  come  and  fish  him  out. 

"  He  dropped  asleep  once  while  ringin'  a  hog  to  pre- 


4A1 

vent  him  from  rootin'  up  the  clover  patch.  The 
minister  of  the  village  had  to  pause  in  the  middle  of  a 
funeral  sermon  he  was  preachin'  half  a  block  away, 
until  the  squealin'  subsided.  He  was  a  drowsy  one  and 
no  mistake.  He  ginerally  dropped  asleep  while  prayin'. 
His  wife  would  be  lyin'  thai*  waitin'  for  him  to  git  into 
bed,  and  arter  awhile  she'd  grow  impatient  and  look  up, 
and  thar  he'd  be  on  his  knees  by  the  bed-side  fast  asleep. 
Then  she'd  reach  out  and  catch  him  by  the  ha'r,  and 
jerk  him  from  his  knees  quicker  nor  lightnin',  and  he'd 
git  mad  and  cuss  and  sw'ar  like  a  Dutch  pirate  until  the 
whole  house  would  be  on  end  listenin'  to  'em. 

"  But  as  I  was  gwine  to  tell  ye,  before  the  rheumatism 
got  into  his  j'ints  and  made  him  shun  water  as  he  would 
a  tax-collector,  old  Shellbark  used  to  be  pooty  fond  of 
fishin'.  One  day  Parson  Bodfish  was  gwine  off  to 
have  a  day's  sport,  and  took  me  along  to  carry  the  fish. 
I  was  only  a  boy  then,  and  mighty  tickled  because  I 
could  go.  Jest  about  the  time  we  got  to  the  river  we 
overtook  old  Shellbark  a  pointin'  thar  too.  When  we 
got  to  the  bank  they  both  set  in  gettin'  out  thar  hooks 
and  lines,  and  then  for  the  first  time  old  Shellbark  found 
out  he  had  left  his  bait  to  hum.  So  he  commenced  to 
sputter  and  fret,  takin'  on  terribly  about  it,  until  Parson 
Bodfish  ses  to  him,  '  That's  all  right ;  I  reckon  I've  got 
enough  bait  in  this  box  for  both  of  us,  and  I'll  give  you 
half  of  mine,  and  let  us  start  in  and  make  the  most  of 

it.'     So   the   Parson — who   had  a  heart  the  size  of  a 
19* 


442  AN  IRREPARABLE  LOSS. 

sheep's  head — took  out  his  bait-box  and  gin  him  more 
than  half.  It's  so  ;  I  seed  'em  when  he  took  'em  out. 
Pooty  soon  arter  while  the  parson  was  a  standin'  on  a 
log  that  horned  out  over  the  water  a  baitin'  of  his  hooks, 
a  big-mouthed  fish-hawk  gin  a  chatterin'  screech  over 
head,  and  startled  him  a  leetle,  and  while  lookin'  up  he 
let  his  bait-box  fall  into  the  fiver. 

"The  box  was  open,  so  the  worms  war  scattered 
every  which  way,  and  away  went  box  and  bait  a  flukin' 
down  the  rapids,  and  the  parson's  cusses  follerin'  arter. 
He  did  swar,  by  hunky  !  I  heer'd  him.  He  had  a 
mi'ty  hot  temper,  and  it  was  more  than  he  could  do 
sometimes  to  keep  it  down.  I  didn't  blame  him  much 
for  sw'arin'  jest  then,  'cause  'twas  a  pooty  tryiri'  time. 
He  turned  around  sort  of  quick  when  he  thought  of  me 
bein'  thar.  I  seed  him  turnin',  though,  and  let  on  to 
be  talkin'  to  a  fish  that  I  was  stringin'  on,  so  he 
reckoned  I  hadn't  noticed  him.  We  hurried  on  down 
the  river,  and  arter  a  while  overtook  old  Shellbark,  who 
was  snakin'  'em  out  as  fast  as  he  could  fix  bait  and 
throw  in. 

" i  I  lost  all  my  worms  back  thar,  while  standin'  on  a 
log,'  ses  the  parson,  <  and  will  have  to  fall  back  on  you 
for  some.'  The  old  tripe  grumbled  out  somethin'  about 
bein'  out  of  all  patience  with  people  who  war  so  fool 
careless.  Arter  a  while  he  took  out  the  rag  he  kept  the 
worms  in,  and  although  he  had  quite  a  large  knot  of 
'em,  he  gin  the  parson  only  one,  and  dead  at  that  I  It's 


HATwVELOUS    GENEBOSrrT. 

so !     You  may  laugh,  but  I  seed  it.     When  he  was  a 
pickin'  it  out  and  haudin'  it  to  him,  and  when  Parson 


OPBXlMG   HIS   HEART. 


Bodlish  was  a  stickin'  the  hook  into  him,  he  lay  thar 
and  took  it  as  e-a-s-y,  and  never  squirmed  or  objected  a 
gol-derned  bit.  You'd  hev  thought  it  was  a  link  of 
vermicelli  the  parson  had  picked  out  of  a  soup  plate. 


444  SHELLBARK    PLAYS    ALLIGATOR. 

"When  Parson  Bodfish  took  it  from  him,  he  held  it 
between  his  finger  and  thumb  a  while,  jest  that  way, 
and  I  swow  I  felt  gospil  sure  he  was  agwine  to  slap  it 
back  into  old  Shellbark's  face. 

"  He  didn't,  though.  But  he  did  look  as  if  he'd  like 
to,  mi'ty  well.  He  stood  thar  and  stared  him  in  the 
face  as  if  actewally  in  doubt  about  his  being  the  person 
he  divided  with  in  the  mornin'.  Arter  a  while  he 
baited  his  hook  and  started  in  right  thar.  He  had 
arnazin'  good  luck,  too,  with  one  bait.  He  hauled  out 
four  floppin'  great  chubs,  one  right  arter  the  other,  and 
durin'  the  same  time  old  Shellbark  didn't  get  a  bite 
from  any  thin'  but  musquiters.  He  seemed  just  bull-mad 
over  it,  tooj  I  can  tell  you. 

"  He  stood  thar  a  noppin'  and  a  scratchin'  and  a 
slingin'  of  his  line  out  the  full  length,  tryin'  on  all 
sides  continewally,  but  to  no  purpose. 

"  At  last,  thinkin'  he  had  a  fish  when  he  didn't,  he 
switched  up  his  line  so  derned  spiteful  it  caught  in  a 
tree-top  more  than  twenty  feet  above  his  head ;  and 
while  he  was  a  gawpin'  up  thar,  jerkin'  the  line,  and 
stampin'  round,  he  sot  his  foot  flat  onto  his  string  of 
fish  that  war  layin'  thar  on  the  bank,  and  squashed  the 
in'ards  out  of  nigh  every  one  of  'em.  Between  thar 
slipperiness  and  his  confusion,  hurryin'  to  git  off  'em 
before  they  were  sp'iled,  he  fell  and  slid  more  than 
fifteen  feet  down  the  bank,  head  fust,  a  clawin'  and  a 
kickin'  jest  like  a  skeer'd  alligator.  Only  he  chanced  to 


A   PEEMIUM   ON   CRICKETS. 

strike  ag'inst  an  old  root  that  was  stickin'  up  at  the 
margin  of  the  river,  he'd  have  gone  plum  to  the  bottom 
for  sartain. 

"  Unfortunately  the  last  fish  Parson  Bqdfish  caught 
had  swallered  the  bait,  so  he  ses  to  me  kind  of  low, 
'  Dolphus,  let's  see  if  we  can't  skeer  up  a  lizard,  or 
somethin'  that'll  do  for  bait  when  a  man's  in  a  pinch." 

"  So  we  set  in  to  huntin'  and  s'archin'  under  old  logs 
and  stones,  and  dead  wild  grass,  but  couldn't  git  hold 
of  anvthin'.  The  parson  fell  three  times  on  all  fours 
in  the  dirt,  and  gin  his  wrist  a  mi'ty  bad  sprain  while 
pursuin'  a  derned  long-legg'd,  horned  critter  somethin' 
like  a  cricket,  only  pizenous,  I  guess.  I  could  have 
caught  it  once,  as  it  went  dronin'  past,  but  didn't  feel 
like  touchin'  it.  Finally  it  got  stuck  into  a  clump  of 
ferns,  and  he  gin  it  up.  So  arter  a  while  he  ses,  4  I'll 
have  to  go  back  and  try  that  old  Shellbark  ag'in,  though 
I'd  ruther  take  a  dose  o'  ipecac  than  do  it.' 

"  So  we  come  back  to  whar  he  was  fishin'.  He  looked 
mi'ty  solemn,  and  was  muddy  as  an  old  stone  boat.  Ses 
the  parson  to  him,  ( I'll  have  to  call  on  you  ag'in  for  anoth 
er  dead  worm ;  the  one  you  gin  me  is  all  gobbled  up.J 

"  '  Seems  to  me  you're  mi'ty  extra vagint  with  the  bait,' 
he  ses  gruffly,  and  switchin'  his  line  around  and  slingin' 
it  out  far  as  the  pole  would  let  it  go,  but  not  makin' 
the  least  motion  to  comply  with  the  parson's  request. 

"  <  Wai,  I  don't  know  how  that  is,'  ses  Parson  Bodfish, 
kind  of  easy  like,  and  tryin'  to  keep  down  his  anger 


SHELLBARK   AS   A   THILOSOPHEE. 

that  I  seed  was  rizin'  jest  like  bilin'  sugar,  c  I  nabbed 
four  rousin'  good  fish,  with  that  one  bait.  I  reckon 
that's  doin'  pooty  well ;  fact  I  know  it  is.  They  seem 
to  bite  fust  rate  at  dead  worms  jest  now.' 

"  <  Waal,  I  don't  know  anythin'  about  that,'  ses  the  old 
outside  of  a  sausage,  '  s'posin'  you  cut  off  some  of  your 
fish  and  see  if  you  can't  catch  somethin'  with  that  sort 
of  bait ;  fish  bite  pooty  well  at  that  sort  of  an  off  erin' 
jest  before  rain,  they  say.' 

" l  Then  you  ain't  a  gwine  to  gin  me  any  worms  V 
ses  the  parson  in  a  husky  voice,  and  shakin'  like  a  rag 
in  the  wind,  he  was  so  chock  full  of  passion. 

" '  Waal,  this  is  a  sort  of  curious  world,  Mr.  Bodfish,' 
ses  old  Shellbark  slow  and  niggardly  like,  jest  that  way, 
'  and  without  a  feller  looks  out  for  himself  he  ain't  con 
sidered  nothin'.  'Sides  you  know,'  he  contiri'ed,  '  fish 
bait  is  a  good  deal  like  an  oyster  or  a  wife — somethin' 
that's  almi'ty  hard  to  divide  with  a  feller,'  and  he  com 
menced  to  troll  along  down  stream. 

"Apple  sass  and  spinage  !  I  never  did  see  a  man  so 
riled  as  that  Parson  Bodfish  was  sence  I  could  rdistin- 
guish  the  moon  from  a  lightnin'  bug.  He  changed  to 
all  the  colors  of  the  rainbow  by  turns  in  less  time  than 
I'm  tellin'  ye.  You  never  seed  sech  a  struggle  between 
sin  and  piety  sence  y our  mother  bore  ye,  as  raged  inside 
of  that  parson  for  about  five  minutes. 

"Fust  piety  seemed  to  be  gettin'  on  top,  then  sin 
would  choke  her  down  and  hold  her  thar.  At  last  he 


BODFISH    WITHDRAWS    TO    KNEEL. 


447 


turned  around  and  run  full  chisel  ahind  the  turned  up 
roots  of  a  big  windfall  as  though  a  gallon  and  a  half  of 
black  hornets  war  arter  him.  I  reckoned  he  was  gwine 
arter  stuns  to  gin  the  old  cuss  a  derned  good  peltin',  and 
that  kind  of  work  bein'  right  into  my  hand  I  ran  thar 
too,  cal'latin'  to  help  him  do  it.  But  I  was  mistaken' d. 


s&v  IS&g&t^/r 


SWIAKIXG   TO    GET   ETE5. 


"  He  wasn't  gwine  arter  stuns,  for  I  seed  so  soon  as  he 
thought  he  was  out  of  sight  he  flopped  down  on  his 
knees  slush-a-te-jam  right  thar  in  the  mud,  a  holdin'  his 


448  BODFISH   POCKETS   HIS  LINE. 

hands  jined  together  above  his  head  jest  that  way.  I 
allowed  he  was  a  gwine  to  pray  then  for  sartin,  but  he 
didn't  pray,  no  siree,  not  much  pra'ar  jest  then!  he 
sw'ar' d  though.  He  did  by  lightnin'!  1  heered  him  jest 
as  plain  as  could  be,  ses  he  : — 

"  '  I  sw'ar  by  the  gospil  accordin  to  St.  Matthew,  I'll 
git  even  yet  with  that  old  lick-pot  Shellbark,  if  I  have 
to  yank  him  out  of  his  grave  like  a  body-snatcher,  to 
accomplish  it !' 

"  I  felt  like  runnin'  thar  and  sayin'  'Don't rise  yet, let 
me  kneel  and  sw'ar  too,'  the  same  as  that  tricky  feller 
does  in  the  play  whar  he's  a  foolin'  the  jealous  nigger 
so  bad ;  but  I  knowed  it  wouldn't  do  'cause  he  didn't 
want  me  to  see  him  kneel  thar  in  the  mud  sw'arin'.  So 
when  he  came  back  he  found  me  peltin'  a  frog  as  if 
nothin'  had  happened. 

"  '  Come,  'Dolphus',  ses  he,  '  its  gettin'  pooty  late  ;  I 
guess  we  mout  as  well  be  a  movin'  back  home.'  So  we 
turned  back  toward  the  village,  though  'twa'n't  more  than 
noon,  and  left  old  Shellbark  fishin'  thar.  He  did  git 
even  with  him  though. 

"  One  Sunday  soon  arter  Parson  Bodfish  was" — (here 
the  farmer  was  interrupted  by  a  masculine  looking 
female  who  stuck  her  frowzy  head  out  of  an  open  win 
dow,  like  a  turtle  out  of  its  shell,  and  shouted  inv  any 
thing  but  a  sweet  voice  : — 

"  '  Dolphus !  you  nateral  born  derned  lop-eared  fool 
you !  .what  are  ye  a  settin'  a  pratin'  and  a  pratin'  about 


6HELLBARK   NOT   SOLICITED.  449 

ont  thar  ?  that  infarnil  sow's  in  the  gardin  ag'in  jist  a 
h'istin'  the  parsnips,  and  crunchin'  'em  like  an  old  b'ar." 

"  Consarn  her  old  spotted  hide !"  he  vociferated,  jump 
ing  up  and  grabbing  a  huge  manzanilla  cudgel  that  lay 
in  the  yard.  "Jest  you  st;)p  yer  stranger  for  about  ten 
seconds,  until  I  make  that  derned  old  swine  think  thar's 
a  trip-hammer  got  a  foul  of  her,  then  I'll  tell  ye  how 
the  parson  got  even." 

"I  couldn't  stop  to  hear  the  story  any  way,"  I  replied, 
"for  I  must  be  travelling  along.  However  I'll  take 
your  advice  and  give  the  old  Deacon  a  wide  berth,  for  I 
think  you  are  easy  on  him  when  you  call  him  the  mean 
est  man  in  Stanislaus  County.  You  could  safely  say  the 
meanest  man  in  the  United  States,  if  not  in  the  known 
world." 

As  I  descended  the  hill  from  the  house,  the  swine's 
shrill  wail  was  ringing  in  my  ears,  and  I  judged  the 
trip-hammer  was  at  work. 


"WHO   WAS   HIS   NEIGHBOR? 


DECEMBER  TTH. 

AGAIN  I  open  my  mouth,  and  speak  as  with  the 
tongue  of  a  Scribe  of  the  olden  time ;  and  this  is 
the  burden  of  my  speech. 

A  certain  man  who  dwelt  in  the  country  along  the 
waters  of  the  Yuba,  resolved  to  take  a  journey  to  a  large 
city  over  against  Goat  Island. 

And  while  he  prepared  for  the  journey,  he  communed 
thus  to  himself: 

"Behold  !  I  go  to  a  great  city,  where  dwelleth  many 
fair  women  who  look  out  upon  the  stranger  with  loving 
eyes;  and  where  are  many  strange  sights  on  which 
mine  eye  hath  never  rested.  Therefore,  it  is  meet  that 
I  should  take  with  me  suitable  treasure,  that  I  may  not 
fast  by  the  way,  neither  go  about  the  streets  as  one 
having  no  soul  within  him." 

So  he  took  with  him  six  hundred  dollars  of  coined 
gold,  and  three  half  dollars  of  silver, — even  all  that  he 
possessed, — and  put  on  his  best  raiment. 

And  it  came  to  pass,  *  when  he  had  arrived  at  the 


THE    STRANGER   FREE   OF    HAND.  451 

strange  city  over  against  the  Island,  he  traveled  through 
dangerous  ways  where  iniquity  abounds,  and  soon  fell 


TH«    RKAHQB. 


among  sharpers,  who  put  forth  their  endeavors  to  dupe 
the  unwary ;  and  among  women,  who  put  forth  their 
heads  and  use  soft  words  that  they  may  beguile  the 
stranger ;  and  among  men  who  traffic  in  liquor  that  con 
fuses  the  senses. 

And  began  to  be  merry. 

And  he  did  drink  deeply  of  the  liquor  poured  by  the 


4:52  CITIZENS   CONCERNED   FOR,   HIS   WELFARE. 

damsels  of  the  place,  and  scrupled  not  to  call  upon  all 
to  partake  of  his  bounty. 

For  he  was  free  of  heart,  spreading  abroad  his  treas 
ure  with  liberal  hands. 

And  it  came  to  pass,  while  he  was  rioting  within  the 
house  of  sin,  a  certain  citizen  passed  that  way. 

And  he  stopped,  and  stooping  down,  looked  in  upon 
the  stranger  and  felt  concern  for  his  welfare. 

And  he  said  within  himself,  "  Behold,  the  patient  and 
clinging  leeches ;  but  he  spendeth  that  which  is  his  own, 
and  it  is  meet  that  I  should  hold  my  peace." 

So  he  passed  on  to  his  home,  and  left  the  stranger. 

And  not  many  moments  after  a  second  man  was 
passing  that  way ;  and  he  also  stopped,  and  stooping 
down,  looked  in  upon  the  stranger,  and  felt  compassion 
for  him  ;  and  thus  communed  within  himself  : 

"Behold,  a  shorn  Samson  among  the  Philistines. 
When  he  goeth  out  thence,  he  shall  be  naked  as  when 
it  was  said  of  him,  '  Behold,  a  male  child  is  born  unto 
the  world ; '  but  he  is  not  of  my  kindred,  and  therefore, 
I  may  not  interfere  for  the  welfare  of  the  prodigal." 

So  he  also  passed  on  home,  and  left  the  stranger. 

And  it  came  to  pass,  not  a  great  while  after,  another 
man — a  preacher,  who  exhorteth  the  people  to  repent 
ance,  passed  that  way ;  and  he  likewise  stopped,  and  stoop 
ing  down,  looked  in  upon  the  stranger,  and  saw  that  he 
was  riotous,  and  full  of  wine — insomuch,  that  his  face 
was  the  color  of  the  setting  sun — and  he  was  environed 


LEFT   TO    HIS    FATE.  453 

with   thieves,   gamblers,    and    women   of    low   repute. 

And  the  preacher  had  compassion  for  the  man,  and 

thus  communed  within  himself:  "  Behold,  a  ram  without 


TAKING   A    PEEP. 


the  fold  !  and  the  wolves  do  compass  him  about ;  but  he 
is  not  of  my  flock,  nor  of  my  people ;  else  would  I  pray 
that  he  be  delivered  from  his  enemies  safe  and  sound." 

So  he  likewise  passed  on  to  his  own  home,  and  left 
the  stranger.  And  lo  !  on  that  night  he  was  fleeced  as 
a  sheep  in  the  hands  of  the  shearer. 

Now,  which  of  they  three  was  neighbor  unto  him  that 
fell  among  thieves  and  dissolute  people  ? 


THE  MASON'S  BIDE. 


DECKMBIR  12ia. 

The  goat,  th«  goat,  th«  bearded  goat ! 
The  horned,  the  hoofed,  the  hairy  goat  I 
As  I'm  a  sinner  of  some  note, 
Last  night  I  rode  the  mason's  goat  I 

He  was  a  beast  of  wondrous  size, 
With  lengthy  limbs  and  glassy  eye», 
And  beard  that  swept  the  carpet  clear, 
And  horns  that  shook  the  chandelier  1 
Ye  gods !  if  there's  a  time  we  feel 
Misgivings  through  our  noddle  steal, 
It  is  when  we  through  mystery  float 
Upon  the  dark  Free  Mason's  goat. 

Three  times  was  I  compelled  to  rid« 
The  beast  around  the  Temple  wide, 
But  while  I  tried  the  fearful  mount, 
My  heart's  pulsations  all  might  count, 
For  thump  on  thump  with  treble  knell 


A   POOR   HOLD   BETTEK   THAN   NONE. 

Within  my  breast  it  rose  and  fell. 
Twice  did  I  make  the  circuit  fair, 
My  hold  his  horns,  his  tail,  or  hair, 


455 


THE  ROCKY  ROAD  TO  MASONRY. 

Though  never  shot  a  kangaroo ; 
So  fast  Australian  jungle  through. 

Till  on  the  third  attempt,  and  last, 
When  I  presumed  all  danger  past, 
He  pitched  me  dear  of  horn*  and  head, 


456  "PUT  YOURSELF  m  HIS  PLACE." 

And  left  me  far  below  for  dead. 
But  when  I  rose  with  terror  pale 
The  goat  had  vanished  head  and  tail, 
And  I  was  styled  by  one  and  all 
The  greenest  mason  in  the  hall. 

Le.t  those  who  deem  they  are  possessed 
Of  fadeless  cheeks  and  valiant  breast — 
Of  hair  that  never  will  aspire 
To  bristle  like  a  brush  of  wire — 
No  matter  through  what  risk  they  run, 
Go  ride  that  goat  as  I  have  done. 


THE  COBBLER'S  END. 


DECEMBER  lOrn. 

THERE  is,  perhaps,  no  city  in  the  Union  where  there 
are  so  many  suicides  in  proportion  to  the  popula 
tion,  as  there  are  in  San  Francisco.  This  fact  is  proved 
^  by  the  action  of  the  proprietor  of  a  large  hotel,  who 
suffered  such  loss  by  desperate  guests  bleeding  them 
selves  in  his  elegantly  furnished  apartments,  that  he 
posted  the  following  notice  in  the  office: 

"Guests  contemplating  suicide  while  stopping  at  this 
hotel,  will  please  notify  the  clerk,  and  a  room  exclu 
sively  set  apart  for  the  accommodation  of  self-murderers 
will  be  assigned  them." 

This  leads  me  on  to  relate  what  I  saw  last  night 
while  coming  home  from  the  theatre. 

My  attention  was  arrested  by  a  large  crowd  of  people 
standing  in  and  around  a  small  shoemaker's  sh<3p  on 
Third  Street.  Elbowing  my  way  to  the  inner  circle, 
I  found  the  excitement  was  over  a  man  who  had  com 
mitted  suicide. 

He  was  lying  upon  the  floor  in  a  large  pool  of  blood, 
20 


458  HOW    GREAT   A    CHANGE 

his  hands  still  grasping  a  shot  gun,  with  which  he  had 
blown  off  the  top  of  his  head. 

I  learned  it  was  the  shoemaker,  and  that  he  had  com 
mitted  the  rash  act  because  the  woman  who  had  been 
living  with  him  as  his  wife  had  that  night  deserted 
him.  It  seems  the  cobbler  occupied  a  room  directly 
over  his  shop,  and  the  woman,  who  was  very  handsome, 
had  for  some  time  made  his  home  happy  by  her  pres 
ence  ;  and  there,  in  loving  dalliance,  was  the  cobbler 
wont  to  spend  his  leisure  hours. 

Just  opposite  dwelt  an  Israelitish  tailor,  or  mender 
of  old  clothes,  who  never  had  the  good  fortune  to  have 
either  wife  or  mistress ;  yet  it  appears  he  was  neither 
dead  to  love  nor  indifferent  to  beauty. 

The  tailor  was  charmed  with  the  comeliness  of  the 
cobbler's  companion,  and  whenever  an  opportunity 
offered  wras  in  the  habit  of  throwing  sheep's  eyes  at  the 
fair  occupant  of  the  opposite  apartment.  The  woman 
saw  the  tailor  was  interested,  and  began  to  smile  archly 
upon  him,  and  on  one  occasion  tossed  him  a  kiss  as  she 
turned  from  the  window. 

The  tailor,  who  had  never  received  such  a  compliment 
from  so  pretty  a  woman  before,  was  quite  carried  away 
with  joy.  He  felt  that  his  love  was  returned,  and  from 
that  moment  the  world  presented  a  different  aspect.  It 
was  not  even  a  new  picture  in  an  old  frame,  or  vice 
versa,  but  was  new  throughout. 

Even  the  old  breeches  on  his  lap  seemed  to  suddenly 


A    LITTLE    WOMAN   MAKETH.  459 

undergo  a  strange  metamorphosis.  The  stout,  rough 
material,  over  which  he  had  lately  been  bending  with 
crippled  fingers  and  sprung  needle,  in  the  twinkling  of 
an  eye  seemed  transformed  into  a  golden  fleece,  through 
which  the  waxed  thread  flew  like  chain-lightning 
through  a  cotton  umbrella.  To  have  an  interview  was 
now  his  only  study,  and  where  there's  a  will  there's  a 
way. 

One  day  a  small  boy  was  pressed  into  service  and  in 
trusted  with  a  letter  to  the  woman  in  whom  his  whole 
heart  seemed  wrapped.  She  received  it  safely,  and  duly 
by  return  of  post  broke  the  delightful  intelligence  to  the 
tailor  that  the  cobbler  would  be  absent  that  evening  in 
Oakland,  and  ended  the  epistle  by  requesting  him  to 
call. 

Hardly  had  "  seeling  night  scarfed  up  the  tender  eye 
of  pitiful  day,"  when  the  tailor  with  palpitating  heart 
ascended  the  rickety  stairs  that  led  to  the  apartment  of 
the  cobbler's  paramour.  How  he  was  received  there  is 
no  knowing,  but  it  is  apparent  to  all  he  soon  ingratiated 
himself  with  the  handsome  damsel,  as  the  sequel  shows. 

As  the  knight  of  the  thimble  and  needle  had  saved 
considerable  money  and  was  comely  to  look  upon,  while 
the  cobbler  was  declining  into  the  vale  of  years  and 
living  from  hand  to  mouth,  the  woman  soon  consented 
to  let  the  latter  "  paddle  his  own  canoe,"  and  fly  with  the 
tailor  to  other  scenes. 

As  it  happened,  neither  the  lover  nor  his  fair  inamorata 


460 


PACKING  THEIR   DUDS. 


were  troubled  with  enough  luggage  to  require  the  ser 
vices  of  an  express  wagon,  and  it  wasn't  long  before 
their  traps  were  stuffed  into  sacks  and  bundles  ready  for 
removal. 

Strange  as  it  may  sound,  it  is  sometimes  an  advantage 
for  a  person  not  to  be  cumbered  by  much  worldly  goods. 
This  advantage  is  generally  felt  when  a  person  is  called 
upon  to  take  a  sudden  start,  as  did  Joseph  into  Egypt 
writh  his  family  and  limited  stock  consisting  of  one  mule. 

Shortly  before  the  arrival  of  the  eleven  o'clock  boat 
from  Oakland — which  was  to  bring  the  shoe-maker  home, 


A   MOVING   SCENE. 


--the  fugitive  pair  might  have  been  seen  bending  under 
their  respective  burdens,  and  moving  rapidly  down  the 


THE   CAGE    EMPTY. 


461 


thoroughfare,  towards  the  northern  part  of  the  city. 
The  Crispin  soon  discovered  his  handsome  bird  had 
flown.  A  short  note  from  the  woman,  addressed  to  him 
self,  lay  upon  the  table.  In  it  she  conveyed  to  him  the 
not  very  flattering  intelligence  that  he,  like  other  dogs, 


SHUFFLING    OFF   THE    MORTAL    COIL. 


had  had  his  day,  but  was  now  played  out.  This  was 
too  much  for  the  poor  mender.  He  couldn't  bear  up 
under  the  weight,  and,  procuring  his  shot  gun,  soon 
ceased  to  exist. 

These  facts  I  gleaned  from  a  grocer  who  lived  near 
by,  and  who  was  acquainted  with  all  the  parties.  My 
mind  was  so  disturbed  by  the  distressing  event  I  found 


4:62  A  JOB   FOE  THE   CORONER. 

it  impossible  to  sleep  for  hours  after  I  reached  my 
room.  I  started  in  to  recite  a  book  of  Paradise  Lost, 
but  it  was  no  go.  I  had  Michael  assaulting  Satan  with 
a  shoe-maker's  awl  instead  of  with  his  sword  of  celestial 
temper.  I  then  endeavored  to  run  over  an  act  in  Shak- 
speare,  but  met  with  no  better  success.  I  had  Othello 
blowing  his  head  off  with  a  shot-gun,  instead  of  stabbing 
himself  with  a  knife.  Still  the  terrible  desertion,  dejec 
tion,  and  death  of  the  poor  cobbler  crowded  upon  me 
in  a  saddening  train. 

His  fair  mistress  proved  untrue, 

And  absconded  with  a  Jew ; 
Which  was  more  than  selfish  heart  could  bear; 

So  he  got  his  gun  in  haste 

In  his  mouth  the  muzzle  placed, 
Turned  his  eyes  aloft  as  if  in  prayer, 

On  the  trigger  set  his  toes — 

As  the  illustration  shows — 
Then  up  to  the  ceiling  went  his  hair  t 


DUDLEY'S  FIGHT  WITH  THE  TEXAN. 


DECEMBER  19TH. 

poor  cnr,  kicked  and  scalded  during  the  day,  at 
JL  night  can  lie  and  lick  his  sores  in  peace.  The 
scudding  hare  that  can  hold  out  ahead  of  the  baying 
beagles,  until  black  Hecate  waves  her  wand  between  the 
hunters  and  the  hunted,  may  hope  to  shake  them  off.  The 
aeronaut,  tiring  of  the  clamor  here  below,  can  rise  above 
the  busy  haunts  of  men  and  hold  sweet  communion 
with  the  gods  in  quiet. 

But  I,  alas,  find  no  escape  from  that  inexorable 
plague,  "  Jim  Dudley."  Again  he  comes  upon  me  like 
a  thief  in  the  night  and  mars  my  rest.  Within  the  holy 
sanctuary  even,  he  whispers  in  mine  ear.  Through  the 
busy  marts  and  thoroughfares  he  haunts  me  still ;  and 
tells  of  fights  and  hair-breadth  escapes,  with  all  the 
glibness  of  an  old  battle-scarred  veteran  who  has  primed 
his  fire-lock  in  three  campaigns.  He  talks  of  drawing 
deadly  weapons  as  a  dentist  would  of  drawing  teeth. 
In  all  likelihood  the  fellow  never  drew  a  weapon  in  his 


4:64       .  JIM   ON   THE   BORDER. 

life,  except,  perhaps,  at  a  raffle.  I  had  long  noticed  a 
scar  on  "Jim's "  forehead,  but  never  ventured  to  ask 
him  how  he  got  it,  fearing  a  story  would  follow.  Last 
night  he  detected  me  looking  inquiringly,  and  without 
any  query  on  my  part  the  following  infliction  fell  upon 
me: 

"You  see  that  scar  that  looks  somethin'  like  a  wrin 
kle,  over  my  left  eye  brow,  don't  ye  ?  "Wai,  you  can't 
guess  how  I  come  by  that.  Cow  kicked  me  ?  No,  not 
by  a  durned  sight,  nor  a  hoss  nuther.  I  got  that  scar 
the  summer  I  was  gwine  through  Texas.  I'll  not  for 
get  how  I  got  it  nuther  in  a  hurry,  for  I  never  did  have 
sech  a  narrow  dodge  since  the  night  dad's  old  house 
burned  down  and  I  escaped  in  my  shirt  through  the 
cellar  drain. 

"  I  was  travelin'  towards  the  border  of  Texas,  gwine 
away  back  of  Waco,  and  arter  I  got  as  far  as  cars  would 
take  me  I  set  out  on  hossback.  One  evenin'  jest  as  I 
was  gettin'  into  a  small  village,  my  hoss  got  one  of  his 
legs  into  a  hole  in  the  road,  and  fallin'  over,  broke  it 
snap  off  below  the  knee.  I  felt  mi'ty  bad  over  it, 
because  I  didn't  have  any  too  much  money  about  me  at 
the  time;  but  I  had  to  leave  him  thar  and  go  into  the 
village  on  foot,  carryin'  the  saddle  along,  for  I  cal'lated 
to  git  another  animal  the  next  day  and  continue  my 
journey.  I  put  up  for  the  night  at  a  small  hotel,  and 
thar  was  quite  a  number  of  fellers  a  settin'  around  the 
bar-room  talkin' ;  but  amongst  'em  was  one  big,  ugly, 


A   RUNAWAY    EYE. 


465 


mullet-headed  lookin'  cuss,  with  a  glass  eye  that  was 
continewally  droppin'  out  and  rollin'  across  the  floor 
like  a  marble.  Pupil  up  and  pupil  down,  it  would  move 
along  under  chairs  and  tables,  the  most  comical  looking 


BILL    AFTER    HIS    GLASS   EYE. 


thing  you  ever  sot  eyes  on.  He  would  walk  arter  the 
truant,  glarin'  around  with  the  other  eye  as  though 
watchin'  to  see  if  anybody  was  langhin'  at  him.  Then 
lie  would  pick  it  up  and  chiick  it  back  into  his  head 
ag'in,  as  if  it  was  a  pipe  that  had  dropped  out  of  his 
mouth. 

"  He  seemed  to  be  a  bully  amongst  'em,  for  when  any 
of  the  other  fellers  went  to  pass  they  circled  round  him, 


4:66  A  COOL   PBOCEEDING. 

somethin'  like  a  woman  around  a  hoss  standin'  on  the 
sidewalk.  I  judged  by  that  they  were  skeered  of  him, 
and  didn't  want  to  git  anywhere  near  his  corns  lest 
they  might  accidentally  touch  'em. 

"I  sat  thar  watchin'  of  him  for  some  time,  and  at 
last  while  he  was  leanin'  on  the  counter  beatin'  time 
with  his  fingers  on  top  of  it,  a  feller  come  in  and  called 
for  a  glass  of  whisky. 

"  The  bar-tender  gin  him  the  bottle  and  he  poured 
out  a  drink  and  left  the  glass  settin'  on  the  counter, 
while  he  turned  around  to  spit  out  his  quid  of  terbacker. 
As  he  was  doin'  it  the  big  bully-lookin'  cuss  h'isted  the 
glass,  drained  it  right  thar,  and  smacked  and  licked  his 
lips  arter  it  as  though  wishin'  thar  was  more  of  it, — 
somethin'  like  a  young  widder  arter  ye  give  her  a  kiss. 

"  The  feller  that  ordered  the  drink  turned  back 
wipin'  his  mouth  gettin'  ready  to  swaller.  When  he 
see  the  empty  glass  he  riz  up  sort  of  indignantly,  and 
was  agwine  to  say  or  do  somethin',  but  when  he  see 
who  it  was  he  changed  his  mind  pooty  sudden,  and 
settlin'  down  about  six  inches,  turned  around  and  jest 
slid  away  easy  like  out  of  the  room.  As  he  was  gwine 
out  I  could  see  his  ears  looked  as  though  they  were 
freezin',  for  they  were  gettin'  whiter  and  whiter  as  he 
moved  along  down  the  steps.  As  I  was  thinkin'  about 
it,  a  ministerial-lookin'  man  come  edgin'  up  to  me  and 
ses: 

"  *  You're  a  stranger  in  this  quarter,  I  believe,  and 


NOT    A    PESERABLE    JOB.  467 

let  me  gin  you  a  little  advice  ;  it  may  prove  valuable  to 
ye  before  you  git  away  from  yer.' 

"  '  Why,  what's  the  matter  ?'  I  asked,  wonderin'  what 
he  was  comin'  at,  '  have  you  got  the  small-pox  in  the 
house  ?'  I  continued. 

"  i  Small-pox  be  denied !'  he  answered.  '  "Wuss  nor 
that,  stranger ;  for  the  love  of  heaven — for  the  love  yer 
mother  bore  ye  when  she  fu«t  learned  ye  war  a  male 
child,'  he  contin'ed,  '  keep  clear  of  that  onerous  cuss  at 
the  counter.  Let  him  hev  his  way  in  every  thin'.  You 
mout  as  well  undertake  to  cross  a  crater  as  him  in  any 
of  his  bullyin'  tantrums.  Now  mind  I'm  tellin'  ye.  If 
his  eye  falls  out  don't  laugh  at  it,  don't  betray  yer  emo 
tions. 

"  'If  he  steps  on  yer  corns,  suffer  it ;  take  it  as  if  the 
Lord  himself  had  reached  down  his  foot  and  trod  on  ye, 
and  you'll  come  out  of  it  better  than  if  you  did  object, 
a  derned  sight.' 

"  <  Who  is  he  ?'  I  inquired. 

"  <  Why,  that's  Bill  Cranebow,— Glass-eyed  Bill,  they 
call  him.  He's  had  more  lights  over  that  derned  glass 
eye  of  his'n  than  ever  a  dog  had  over  a  sheep's  shank. 

"  *'  Everybody's  afeared  of  him.  They  hate  him  wus 
than  a  lawyer  does  a  peace-maker.  No  one  who  knows 
him  wants  to  undertake  the  job  of  gettin'  away  with 
him ;  they'd  ruther  let  it  out  to  strangers.  Oh !  he's 
lightnin'  at  a  fight  for  all  he  looks  so  slorropy  and 
clumsy.  What  the  butcher  is  with  the  cleaver,  that 


468 


BILL   KNOWS    HOW   TO    CARVE. 


Glass-eyed  Bill  is  with  the  bowie-knife.  He  knows 
jest  where  to  strike  to  open  a  jint  or  git  betwixt  two 
ribs.  You'd  think  to  see  him  at  it,  he  had  practiced  for 


THE   MINISTERIAL    LOOKING    MAN. 


twenty  years  with  some  old  anatomist  by  the  way  he 
can  disarrange  the  "  house  we  live  in  "  as  the  poet  ses.' 

"  <  Wai,  that's  sort  of  curious,'  I  ses,  '  ain't  thar  no 
person  around  this  section  that  has  had  any  experience 
at  the  cuttin'  business  ?  He's  only  human  I  reckon.  If 
he  gits  a  poke  between  wind  and  water  he's  as  likely  to 
wilt  as  anybody  else,  isn't  he  V  I  ses  jokin'ly,  jest  that 
way. 


HE   LIKES   DARK   RATHER   THAN   LIGHT.  469 

"  '  Thunder  and  mud  !'  exclaimed  the  ministerial-look- 
in'  man.  *  You've  bin  used  to  fightin'  with  women,  I 
reckon.  Lose  his  strength  ?  You  mout  as  well  try  to  kill 
the  strength  of  a  red  pepper  cuttin'  it  up,  as  that  feller. 
Why,  I've  seen  that  Glass-eyed  Bill  in  some  of  his  fights 
yer,  when  he  was  so  cut  and  slashed  apart  that  you 
could  see  his  in'ards  workin'  like  a  watch.  And  I'll  be 
called  a  down-east  noodle,  if  he  didn't  stand  up  to  his 
work  like  a  barber  until  he  got  through  with  his  man. 
He  likes  to  fight  in  a  dark  room  best  though,  'cause 
thar's  no  chance  of  gittiii'  on  the  blind  side  of  him  thar; 
and  the  landlord  not  long  ago  fixed  up  one  on  purpose 
to  accommodate  him,  he  had  so  much  fightin'  to  do. 
He'll  work  a  quarrel  out  of  the  least  thing.  Laughin' 
at  his  eye  rollin'  off  is  as  certain  a  way  of  gettin'  into 
trouble  as  runnin'  ag'inst  a  wasp's  nest. 

ii(  Though  he  smokes  like  a  coalpit  himself,  I  knowed 
him  to  pick  a  quarrel  with  a  young  Georgian  arid  kill 
him,  because  he  happened  to  send  a  whiff  of  smoke  in 
the  direction  whar  he  was  settin'.  Ever  since  that  when 
ever  he  comes  into  the  room  you'll  see  the  fellers  a 
jerkin'  and  a  snappin'  thar  pipes  out  of  thar  mouths  and 
crammin'  'em  into  thar  pockets,  or  under  thar  coat-tails, 
— any  where  to  git  'em  out  of  sight,  like  boys  who  are 
jest  learnin'  the  habit  when  they  sight  thar  old  dad  a 
comin'  along. 

"  '  Take  my  advice  and  keep  away  from  him,  for  he's 
dead  certain  to  pick  a  muss  with  strangers,  as  they  gin- 


4:70  BILL   CARVES    A   TTJSCALOOSAN. 

nerally  resent  his  insults.  Durn  him !'  he  continued,  'I 
wish  he'd  go  away  from  the  door,  I  want  to  git  ont ;  but 
it's  not  good  policy  to  go  a  scrougin'  past  him  while  he's 
lookin'  so  al-mi'ty  glum.'  With  that  the  old  man  went 
quietly  over  to  a  cheer  in  the  corner  and  sat  down, — 
somethin'  the  same  as  a  monkey  does  when  a  larger  one 
is  dropped  into  the  cage. 

"  I  went  to  bed  pooty  early  that  night  as  I  was  plagy 
tired.  In  the  mornin'  I  learned  thar  had  been  a  fight 
in  the  dark  room  betwixt  Glass-eyed  Bill  and  a  Tusca- 
loosan.  Bill,  as  usual,  had  killed  his  man.  I  began  to 
wonder  whether  I'd  git  into  some  scrape  or  another  be 
fore  I'd  leave ;  and  as  there  was  to  be  an  auction  sale  of 
horses  and  mules  that  mornin'  right  thar  at  the  hotel,  1 
concluded  to  make  a  purchase  and  git  away  from  the 
derned  place  as  soon  as  possible. 

"  I  bid  two  or  three  times  on  horses,  but  they  run  'em 
up  too  alh'red  high.  At  last  they  fetched  out  a  big 
mule,  and  thinkin'  that  would  be  jest  the  thing,  I  went 
for  him  pooty  strong  and  succeeded  in  gettin'  him. 
Glass-eyed  Bill  had  bin  settin'  on  the  door  step  thar, 
and  didn't  seem  to  be  takin'  any  part  in  the  biddin' ;  but 
when  I  went  to  lead  the  mule  off  he  hollered  : 

"  'Whar  are  ye  agwine  with  that  critter?  Leave 
him  standin'  thar,  please,  I  kin  attend  to  him  myself,  I 
reckon.' 

"  <  "Wai,'  ses  I  jest  slow  and  easy  that  way,  for  I  wanted 
to  keep  down  my  rizin'  temper,  knowin'  what  I  was 


JL    MULE    BREEDS    TROUBLE.  471 

when  I  got  mad,  '  if  I'm  any  judge  of  auctioneering 
the  mule  is  mine,  and  I  cal'late  to  lead  him  away  when 
and  whar  I  derned  please.' 

"  Just  then  the  same  old  ministerial-lookin'  man  come 
chuckin'  and  pullin'  at  my  coat,  and  ses  he,  ( I'm  takin' 
ruinous  risks  in  speakin'  to  ye  now,'  he  ses ;  <  but  I  tell 
ye  again,  don't  cross  him,  let  him  have  the  mule,  or 
you'll  expire  quicker  than  a  spark  when  it  drops  into  a 
Vilin'  pot.  He  doesn't  want  the  mule  no  more  than  a 
husband  wants  two  mothers-in-law ;  but  he's  jest  pinin' 
to  git  ye  into  a  muss,  and  he  doesn't  see  any  way  of 
doin'  it  without  he  disputes  the  mule  with  ye.  Let 
him  have  it,  or  it'll  be  wuss  for  ye ;  now  mind  what  I'm 
tellin'  ye.' 

"  <  No,  I'll  be  derned  if  I  will ! '  I  answered.  <  He 
ain't  agwine  to  wipe  his  cussed  hoofs  on  me  until — arter 
I'm  dead  any  how.'  And  with  that  I  began  to  move 
away  with  the  critter,  when  Glass-eyed-Bill  jumped  up 
from  what  he  was  settin'  and  shouted  pooty  snappishly 
like,  '  Hold  on  thar !  drop  that  rope  as  though  it  was 
the  devil's  tail,  without  you  want  to  collapse  so  quick 
that  one  half  of  ye  will  be  in  etarnity  before  the  other 
half  knows  thar's  anythin'  amiss.' 

"  '  On  what  groim's  do  ye  claim  the  critter  ? '  I  asked 
jest  a  b'ilin'  inside,  but  keepin'  sort  of  cool  outwardly. 

"  "Words  doesn't  amount  to  a  woman's  sneeze  in  set- 
lin'  a  matter  of  this  kind,'  answered  the  glass-eyed  cuss 
sneeringly. 


472  BY-STANDEES   SMELL   DANGEE. 

"  '  What  does  then  ? '  I  inquired  quite  innocent  like, 
as  though  I  didn't  know  what  he  meant ;  though  I  did 
know  derned  well  what  he  was  drivin'  at. 

"  '  This  does  ! '  he  answered,  rizin'  up  and  puttin'  his 
hand  behind  him,  as  I  do  now,  and  jerkin'  out  a  cussed 
great  knife  about  as  large  as  the  colter  of  a  plow. 
1  That's  the  sort  of  a  thing  to  settle  disputes  with.  No 
gentleman  will  argue  a  case  while  he's  got  an  arbiter 
like  that  to  leave  it  to,'  he  contin'ed  a  slappin'  it  down 
flatways  into  the  palm  of  his  left  hand  as  he  spoke,  and 
bringin'  an  echo  from  an  old  barn  that  stood  near. 

"  I  see  the  bystanders  began  to  turn  pale  as  white 
washed  chimneys,  and  commenced  lookin'  at  the  ground 
as  though  huntin'  for  straws  or  splinters  to  pick  thar 
teeth  with,  "but  they  only  wanted  some  excuse  to  git 
away. 

" '  Supposin'  I  should  pull  out  a  knife  about  seven 
teen  inches  and  a  half  long,'  I  ses,  jest  that  way,  ( what 
then?' 

" i  It's  jest  exactly  the  thing  I  want  to  see,'  he 
answered  quickly.  ( A  young  mother  was  never  more 
tickled  when  she  discovered  the  fust  tooth  a  peepin'  out 
of  her  young  un's  gums,  than  I  am  when  I  see  a  knife 
comin'  out  of  its  sheath  in  a  feller's  hand.' 

" i  Wai,  I  reckon  you  must  have  been  brought  up  in 
a  fightin'  settlement,'  I  ses  jest  like  that,  for  1  couldn't 
hardly  keep  from  jokin',  lie  seemed  so  cussed  eager. 

"  '  Come,  which'll  ye  do  ?  gin  up  the  mule  or  fight  ? 


THE   DARK   ROOM   ENGAGED.  4:73 

You've  got  to  do  either  one  or  t'other,'  he  ses,  impa 
tiently,  as  he  stooped  to  pick  up  his  glass-eye,  which 
jest  then  dropped  out  and  was  a  rollin'  under  the  hoss 
trough. 

"  <  Wai,'  I  ses,  '  I  ain't  perticularly  stuck  arter  fightin', 
but  it's  bad  enough  for  a  feller  to  squirt  his  terbacker 
juice  on  to  you,  without  wantin'  to  rub  it  in;  and  if 
it'll  be  any  accommodation  to  ye,  I'll  fight  fust  and 
then  take  the  mule  arterwards.' 

"  '  Enough  sed,'  he  answered,  just  short  that  way  ;  and 
then  turnin'  to  the  landlord  who  was  standin'  in  the 
door  he  asked,  '  Is  the  dark  room  ready  for  use  ? ' 

"  i  iSTo,  not  quite,'  he  answered ;  '  thar's  some  pieces 
of  that  long  Tuscaloosan  lyin'  around  in  thar  yet,  I 
believe,  but  I'll  attend  to  removin'  them  right  away,' 
and  he  started  off  with  a  bucket  and  dustpan. 

"  So  we  all  went  into  the  bar-room,  and  staid  round 
thar  waitin'  until  the  place  would  be  prepared.  "While 
we  were  thar,  Glass-eyed  Bill  pulled  out  his  knife,  and 
commenced  to  draw  it  backwards  and  forwards  over  his 
boot-leg,  as  though  to  git  a  fine  edge  on  it. 

" '  Wai,  you  can  whet  your  denied  great  scythe 
blade,'  I  ses  to  myself,  kind  of  low  that  way,  for  I 
allowed  he  was  doin'  it  to  skeer  me.  s  It  ain't  allers  the 
longest  horned  cow  that  does  the  most  hookin'.  Pre- 
haps  my  old  terbacker  shaver  has  got  p'int  enough  on 
it  to  inaugurate  a  new  passage  to  the  interior  if  it  won't 
cut  a  har.' 


474 


A   MANY-RIBBED   TUSCALOOSAN:. 


"  Arter  a  while  he  leaned  over  to  a  feller  that  sat  by 
the  table,  and  while  runnin'  his  thumb  sort  of  feelin'ly 
along  the  edge  of  the  knife,  he  ses :  <  The  man  I 
bought  this  from  in  Galveston  assured  me  it  was  the 


STARTLING    DISCLOSURES. 


best  of  steel ;  but  he  lied,  I  reckon,  for  I  turned  the 
edge  of  it  last  night  on  that  long  Tuscaloosan's  ribs. 
Yet  that's  not  to  be  much  wondered  at,  arter  all,  for  I 
do  believe  he  had  as  many  ribs  as  a  snake.  I  thought  I 
never  would  succeed  in  gettin'  the  blade  betwixt  'em. 


JIM   GETS   FIDGITY.  4:75 

Arter  I  got  him  down  in  the  corner  and  his  knife  away 
from  him,  I  commenced  jabbin'  at  his  armpit,  and  I 
prospected  the  hul  way  down  to  his  kidney,  before  I 
could  git  the  derned  thing  in  far  enough  to  let  his 
dinner  loose.' 

"  Gewillikins !  when  I  heered  him  talkin'  like  that, 
didn't  I  begin  to  squirm  and  fidget  around  on  my  cheer ! 
I  wished  then  I  had  never  seen  the  place,  more  especially 
the  cussed  long-eared  mule.  But  I  see  I  was  in  for  it, 
as  the  boy  said  when  he  got  his  head  stuck  in  the  cream 
jar.  Thar  was  no  way  of  gittin'  out  without  comin' 
right  down  to  beggin'  off,  and  I  was  too  derned  proud 
to  do  that,  you  know,  if  I  was  sartain  of  bein'  cut  up 
into  as  many  pieces  as  a  boardin'-house  pie. 

"  Jest  then  the  landlord  came  back  and  sed  the  room 
was  ready,  but  remarked  that  it  was  a  leetle  slippery 
yet.  He  sed,  for  a  lean  man  he  never  did  see  a  feller 
that  had  so  much  blood  into  him  as  that  Tuscaloosan 
had.  '  Beckonin'  me  to  the  counter  he  ses : 

" '  You  mout  as  well  settle  your  bill  now  before  you 
go  in  thar ;  it  may  be  more  satisfactory  to  you  to  have 
the  settlin'  of  your  own  affairs,  and  it'll  save  me  the 
trouble  of  huntin'  over  your  effects  arter  you're  dead.' 

" '  All  right,'  I  ses,  '  now  if  you  say  so ;  but  it's  gin- 
nerally  admitted  that  sure  things  sometimes  git  al-mi'ty 
slippery  all  to  wunct,  and  perhaps  somebody's  goggles 
may  prove  blue  in  the  mornin'  that  were  bought  for 
green  uns  at  night.' 


476  IN   THE   DARK   ROOM. 

"  I  didn't  want  to  let  any  of  'em  think  I  was  skeer'd, 
though  by  jingo !  I  felt  sartain  of  bein'  minced  up,  and 
the  cold  chills  were  jest  streakin'  all  over  me  like. 

"  So  we  started  for  the  room,  which  was  about  twelve 
feet  square  and  dark  as  a  nigger's  stomach. 

"  The  landlord  held  the  door  open  until  we  were  in 
opposite  corners  with  our  knives  out.  Then  he  shut 
and  locked  it  and  left  us  to  work  out  our  own  salvation, 
as  the  missionary  did  the  South  Sea  Islanders  when  he 
overheerd  'em  talkin'  about  the  best  way  of  cookin' 
him  the  next  mornin'. 

"Hully  martyrs!  wasn't  it  dark  in  thai*  though?  and 
still  ?  you  could  have  heered  a  lizard  a  breathin'  in  thar, 
it  was  so  quiet. 

"  I  allowed  Glass-eyed  Bill  was  expectin'  that  I  would 
go  a  shufflin'  and  a  huntiri'  around  for  him,  but  I  had 
no  sich  derned  foolish  notion.  I  cal'lated  if  thar  was 
any  findin'  to  be  done  he'd  have  to  do  it,  for  I  was  de- 
tarmined  to  stand  right  thar  till  the  day  of  judgment 
before  I'd  go  a  s'archin'  around  for  him. 

"  I  commenced  breathin'  about  twice  a  minute,  and 
not  makin'  any  more  noise  at  it  than  a  wall-bug,  nuther. 
But  for  all  that  I  heered  him  a  movin'  over  towards  me. 
I'll  allers  think  the  cuss  had  a  nose  onto  him  like  a 
setter  dog,  for  he  somehow  or  another  got  right  over 
thar  whar  I  was  standin'.  Pooty  soon  I  felt  somethin' 
a  stingin'  along  my  forehead  thar,  and  I  suspected  at 
once  that  it  was  the  knife  that  was  feelin'  around  for 


BILL    DIES    HARD.  477 

me ;  so  I  reckoned  it  wouldn't  be  long  until  lie  was  a 
proddin'  of  it  somewhere  else,  and  like  the  boy  with  the 
candy  bag,  I  cal'lated  the  fust  poke  was  everythin' ;  so 
I  made  one  sudden  and  detarmiued  plunge  and  a  sort  of 
upward  rip,  at  the  same  time  cal'latin'  to  do  all  the 
damage  I  could  right  at  once  while  I  was  about  it. 

"He  heered  me  start,  and  thought  to  squat  down 
before  I  got  the  knife  into  him  I  reckon.  Though  his 
intentions  were  good  he  only  spread  the  disaster,  like 
the  gal  who  tried  to  put  the  fire  out  with  the  corn 
broom,  for  as  he  was  gwine  down  the  knife  was  rizin', 
and  the  result  was  truly  astonishin'.  I'll  be  derned  if 
he  didn't  fly  open  from  eend  to  eend  like  a  ripe  pea 
pod.  It  was  done  so  alfired  quick  too,  that  he  didn't 
realize  how  bad  he  was  hurt  I  think.  Ses  he,  '  We'll 
try  that  over  ag'in,  stranger.'  As  he  spoke,  he  started 
to  git  up,  but  fell  away  seemin'ly  in  two  different 
directions. 

"  (  Not  on  this  side,  we  won't,'  I  ses  as  I  went  huntin' 
around  for  the  door. 

"  I  was  surprised  as  much  as  him  at  the  way  things 
had  turned  out,  for  when  I  stepped  into  the  room  I 
looked  upon  it  as  steppin'  into  etarnity.  When  the 
door  was  found  I  commenced  knockin',  and  pooty  soon 
the  landlord  came  and  opened  it.  He  couldn't  see  me 
at  fust,  but  allowed  it  was  the  bully  that  was  thar  of 
course,  and  ses  he  : 

cc <  You  made  pooty  quick  work  of  it  this  time ;  that 


478  THE   LANDLORD   DISAPPOINTED. 

feller  won't  want  to  buy  any  more  mules  arter  this,  I 
take  it.' 

"  <  JSTo,'  ses  I,  steppin'  out,  ( nor  claim  a  critter  that 
doesn't  belong  to  him  nuther.' 

"  '  What ! '  he  cried,  jumpin'  back  with  a  look  upon 
his  face  that  told  me  at  once  he  was  mi'ty  displeased 
at  the  way  things  war  developing  <  is  it  you  ?  whar's 
Glass-eyed  Bill  ? '  he  contin'ed  shadin',  his  eyes  with  his 
hand  and  peerin'  into  the  darkness. 

" '  He's  lyin'  around  in  thar  somewhar,'  I  answered 
careless  like,  jest  that  way.  *  The  head-half  of  him  is 
nigh  the  door  here,  paralyzed  I  reckon,  but  the  leg  part 
is  somewhere  over  in  the  corner  thar  whar  ye  hear  the 
kickin' ;  you  mout  as  well  be  gettin '  yer  bucket  and 
dust-pan  ready,  for  you'll  have  quite  a  job  gettin'  all  the 
pieces  together,  I  reckon,'  I  contin'ed,  just  that 
indifferent  way,  and  walkin'  out  towards  the  bar-room 
as  I  spoke. 

"  Mush  and  molasses !  you  never  did  see  a  feller  so 
set  back  in  your  life.  He  looked  at  me  as  though  I 
had  as  many  heads  onto  me  as  the  beast  the  feller  tells 
about  in  the  scripters.  I'll  allers  believe  that  he 
was  in  cahoot  with  the  glass-eyed  bully,  and  jist  kept 
him  thar  to  pick  quarrels  with  strangers  so  they  could 
have  the  pickin'  over  of  thar  effects. 

"Arter  washin'  my  hands  and  plasterin'  up  the  cut 
on  my  forehead  a  little,  I  went  out  and  saddled  the 
mule,  and  the  crowd  all  come  out  to  see  me  gwine  off. 


JIM    BIDES   OFF    TRIUMPHANTLY. 


479 


I  reckon  if  I  had  stopped  in  the  village  I  could  have 
had  things  about  mj  own  way,  for  some  time.  Before 
I  rode  off  I  turned  round  to  'em  and  ses : 

" '  When  you  git  so  frightened  of  a  bully  ag'in  that 
you  daren't  sneeze  within  forty  feet  of  him,  jest  send 
for  me,  and  I'll  open  him  up  ready  for  saltin5  while 
you'd  be  wipin'  your  mouth.5 

"  With  that  I  rode  off,  and  left  'em  all  starin'  at  each 
other  and  then  arter  me,  as  though  wonderin'  who  or 
what  in  thunder  I  was  anyhow.  Wai,  I'll  sw'ar,  if  here 
ain't  that  derned  slipper-shod  shoe-maker  a  beckonin' 
of  me  to  go  and  shake  for  the  drinks.  I  beat  him  this 
mornin'  throwin'  the  ivories  and  he's  set  on  gettin' 
even.  But  he's  like  the  feller  with  the  chills  and  fever, 
the  more  he  shakes  the  poorer  he  gits." 


nnfinwiiTTi^Ti 

FLIRTING  AND  WHAT  CAME  OF  IT. 


DECEMBER  20iH. 

At  an  open  window  wide,  just  across  the  way, 
Sits  a  roguish  little  blonde  nearly  all  the  day, 
Playing  with  a  tabby  cat,  and  gazing  down  below, 
Flirting  with  conductors  that  are  passing  to  and  fro. 
Some  receive  a  passing  nod,  and  some  receive  a  smile; 
But  she  watches  Number  6  whilst  going  half  a  mile. 

And  the  gay  conductor  while  he's  throwing  kisses  there, 
Doesn't  hear  the  signals  given  by  an  aged  pair, 
Though  the  man  as  best  he  can  whistles  loud  and  shrill, 
And  the  wife  as  though  for  life,  charges  down  the  hill. 

And  the  blameful  driver,  while  he  gazes  wistful  back, 
Doesn't  see  the  little  child  a  creeping  on  the  track. 
Soon  the  jury  summoned  there  to  question  how  it  died, 
Will  as  their  opinion  give,  "  a  case  of  suicide;" 
And  the  driver  and  his  mate  acquitted  from  all  blame, 
Kisses  at  the  blonde  will  throw,  and  she'll  return  the  same. 


CHRISTMAS  EVE. 


DECEMBEK  24-ra. 

/CHRISTMAS  EYE  !  I  sit  idly  by  my  window  listen- 
\J  ing  to  the  rapid  patter  of  the  rain  upon  the  shingles, 
and  the  wild  whistle  of  the  wind  as  it  plays  around  the 
gables,  or  draws  weird  music  from  the  telegraph  wires 
stretched  between  the  house  tops,  and  upon  which 
dangles  the  ghost  of  many  a  school-boy's  kite.  Christ 
mas  Eve !  and  I  am  not  yet  invited  out  to  dinner  !  what 
can  this  mean  ?  Am  I  then  left  to  wither  for  want  of 
attention,  like  some  poor  shrub  plucked  from  a  garden 
and  planted  in  a  graveyard  ?  "Well,  let  it  be  so.  Alone 
though  I  am,  I  nevertheless  enjoy  myself  hugely,  and 
it  requires  considerable  to  enliven  me  now.  There  was 
a  time  when  I  could  be  moved  to  mirth  by  very  little. 
The  desperate  efforts  of  a  one-legged  grasshopper 
describing  circles  while  endeavoring  to  leap  straight 
ahead,  would  amuse  me  for  hours  together.  But  it  is 
not  so  now ;  I  turn  from  such  scenes  to  bury  my  eyes  in 
theological  works,  and  it  is  meet  and  proper  I  should. 
21 


482  THROWING   THE    MANTLE    OF   CHARITY. 

For  the  last  half  hour  I  have  been  watching  an   old 
washer-woman  stealing  my  neighbor's  wood  ! 

This  is  fun  for  me  ;  strange  as  it  may  sound,  I  rather 
like  it.  It  furnishes  food  for  comment,  and  keeps  the 
mind  from  lagging  too  long  around  the  saddening  fact 
that  I  am  growing  old  and  uninteresting,  and  that  the 
cold  shoulder  of  society  is  unmistakably  beginning  to 
cast  its  chilling  shadow  over  me.  Besides  it  is  Holiday 
season,  and  though  I  am  not  able  to  be  charitable  to  a 
great  degree,  I  can  at  least  afford  to  be  indifferent  in 
this  case,  which  is  about  equivalent. 

The  washer-woman  is  doubtless  a  hard-working  and 
deserving  old  body,  who  perhaps  has  sunk  her  whole 
weeks'  earnings  in  a  Christmas  turkey,  that  her  childrens' 
hearts  may  be  made  glad  and  their  stomachs  full ;  and  it 
would  be  a  great  pity  if  it  should  be  spoiled  i'  the 
cooking  for  the  want  of  fuel. 

I  waive  the  crime,  and  speak  of  the  facts  from  a  dis 
interested  stand  point.  I  have  been  such  a  diligent 
scholar  in  the  severe  school  of  experience,  that  I  have 
learned  to  look  upon  my  own  misfortunes  lightly  ;  and 
certainly  can  behold — with  an  unmoistened  eye — my 
neighbor's  choicest  sticks  noiselessly  slipping  into  an 
adjoining  yard.  Besides,  my  neighbor  can  afford  to 
lose  a  few.  To  make  my  position  good,  I  entrench 
myself  behind  the  following  fact.  I  saw  his  wife  on 
Kearney  Street  last  evening  with  fully  four  yards  of 
expensive  satin  trailing  in  the  mud  behind  her.  "While 


INDIRECT  REVENGE.  483 

he  indifferently  beholds  such  a  wasteful  running  at  the 
bung,  why  should  I  assume  the  busy  body's  role  and 
clapp  my  finger  on  the  dripping  spigot  ? 

It  was  my  misfortune  to  be  walking  directly  behind 
her.  As  the  crowd  were  pressing  me  onward,  I  was 
obliged  to  dance  a  sailor's  hornpipe  for  half  a  block,  in 
order  to  keep  from  treading  upon  her  skirts.  It  needed 
not  the  grins  of  shopkeepers,  nor  the  curses  of  pedestri 
ans  whose  corns  I  chafed,  to  assure  me  that  I  was  cut 
ting  a  ridiculous  figure. 

I  am  now  enjoying  my  revenge  !  Indirectly  though  it 
comes,  it  is  none  the  less  sweet,  or  acceptable.  On  the 
contrary,  it  is  rather  more  gratifying,  as  it  calls  for 
no  action  on  my  part ;  but  simply  to  keep  my  mouth 
hermetically  sealed.  The  poet  truly  sings  : 

"Time  at  last  sets  all  things  even." 

It  has  in  this  case  much  quicker  than  I  expected.  As 
the  skinny  white  arm  stretches  up  out  of  the  gloom  of 
the  washerwoman's  yard,  and  another  billet  shoots  from 
the  pile  and  disappears  like  a  star  from  the  firmament 
of  heaven,  I  feel  that  a  load  is  lifted  from  my  heart, 
and  I  am  reaping  revenge  ! 

Stay!  what  is  this?  a  note,  that  all  the  evening 
escaped  my  notice.  Lo !  an  aroma  issues  from  it,  sweet 
as  Cytherea's  breath  !  It  is  an  invitation,  as  I  live,  to 
help  dissect  a  Christmas  turkey  !  Sound  the  timbrel, 
beat  the  tom-tom.  I  am  not  forgotten  yet ! 


THE  LAST  OF  HIS  RACE. 


DECEMBER  27TH. 

WHILE  passing  through  the  California  market  this 
morning,  I  saw  the  only  turkey  that  escaped  the 
ravages  of  barbarous  force  on  Christmas.  He  is  said  to 
be  the  sole  remnant  of  the  turkey  tribe — living  or  dead 
— at  present  to  be  found  in  the  city.  Though  the  door 
of  his  coop  was  open  he  seemed  to  have  no  desire  to 
escape.  Evidently,  like  Byron's  "  Prisoner  of  Chillon," 


A    DROWSY    FOWL.  485 

he  lias  been  so  long  an  inmate  he  has  become  attached 
to  it,  and  would  rather  remain  there  than  take  his 
chances  in  the  busy  world  outside. 

He  stood  most  of  the  time  in  the  center  of  the  coop 
in  a  brown  stud}'.  Once  while  I  was  looking  at  him,  he 
attempted  to  expand  the  dilapidated  substitute  for  a  tail 
and  assume  the  dignity  and  strut  of  other  days.  The 
eflbrt  was  too  much  for  him,  and  he  settled  down  again 
into  a  dreamy  somnolent  state,  from  which  the  crowing 
of  a  large  Brahma,  even  failed  to  arouse  him.  The 
poor  fellow  will  doubtless  fall  a  victim  to  man's  rapac 
ity  on  Kew  Year,  for  I  noticed  a  fleshy  old  epicure 
regarding  him  with  hungry  sinister  looks.  K"ay,  more, 
setting  a  price  upon  his  head. 

Passing  through  the  market  this  afternoon  I  noticed 
the  coop  was  empty,  the  "  Prisoner  of  Chill  on,"  was 
missing.  TVho  had  purchased  him?  or  what  had  become 
of  him  ?  were  questions  which,  however  pertinent  they 
might  be,  I  felt  I  had  no  right  to  ask,  and  I  didn't. 
But  the  finger  of  suspicion  points  directly  at  the  mouth 
of  that  venerable  justice  who  was  setting  a  price  upon 
its  head. 


G-LOOMY  REFLECTIONS. 


DECEMBER  29TH. 

THIS  is  the  anniversary  of  my  departure  from  my 
native  fields,  and  as  I  sit  gazing  by  the  fire  ponder 
ing  over  the  event,  thoughts  of  friends  far  away,  and 
foes  who  are  near,  come  crowding  upon  me  numerous  as 
spirits  around  some  powerful  medium. 

Ten  years  ago  I  turned  my  back  upon  all  I  loved  and 
setting  my  face  against  the  sinking  sun  cried : 

"  Ho,  sailors !  spread  your  widest  sails, 
And  court  the  strong  impellent  gales, 
Until  the  stout  and  stubborn  mast 
Bends  like  a  sapling  to  the  blast. 
And  westward  let  your  bearing  be ; 
My  fortune  lies  beyond  the  sea." 

What  a  ruinous  rent  ten  years  make  in  a  person's 
lease  of  life.  Why,  bless  my  benighted  soul !  the  seal, 
the  signature,  and  the  better  portion  of  the  parchment 
is  gone.  There's  hardly  enough  document  remaining 
upon  which  to  hinge  a  hope.  Now  that  I  think  of  it, 


NO   SOOTHING   SYRUP   TO  BUT.  487 

what  have  the  last  ten  years  neglected  to  bring  me  ? 
No  flaxen  heads  cluster  around  my  board ;  no  nose  is 
flattened  against  the  window  pane,  or  no  eye  strained  to 
mark  my  coming,  when  the  granite  pave  is  chafed  by 
the  home-ward  hastening  feet. 

No  jute  or  mohair  chignons,  lie  around  my  room  in 
rich  profusion,  adding  charms  to  the  apartment  that  pic 
tures  cannot  give. 

When  I  muse  upon  the  many  blessings  that  the  past 
years  have  failed  to  furnish,  I  am  inclined  to  sadness. 
But  when  I  turn  to  contemplate  what  they  have  brought, 
my  heart  sinks  down  into  its  lowest  recess  and  for  a  tune 
lies  still.  Aye  !  that's  the  rub  that  makes  me  wince. 

There  is  some  satisfaction  in  the  thought  that  I  am 
not  alone  in  this.  I  look  around  and  I  see  others  drift 
ing  down  the  stream  as  rapidly  as  I.  Time  is  cutting 
furrows  in  fairer  brows  than  mine.  He  has  brought 
many  a  person  during  the  last  ten  years, 

A  scattered  sight,  a  limping  gait, 
Toothless  gums,  and  a  shining  pate. 

Wliy  should  I  squeal  because  I  feel  his  hands  ?  Yet 
when  I  call  to  mind  the  full  young  face  that  turned  to 
take  a  last  long  lingering  look  upon  the  old  home,  the 
old  roof  beneath  whose  protecting  shingles  it  was 
formed,  and  compare  it  with  the  wan  visage  that  now 
peers  out  of  the  mirror  before  me  with  a  weird  and 
woeful  expression,  a  cold  shudder  runs  through  my 
frame  until  my  very  toe-nails  seem  to  partake  of  the 


488  JTO  MORE   DRY   PICTONGS. 

agitation.     Where  are  those  full  cheeks,  those  hopeful 
smiles,  those  luxuriant  locks,  and  firm-set  grinders  ? 

Gone,  like  the  life  from  a  busted  balloon, 
Gone,  like  the  soul  from  a  ruptured  bassoon, 
Gone,  like  the  sheen  from  a  pock-pitted  cheek, 
Gone,  like  our  change  at  the  close  of  the  week, 

Gone. 

But  what  has  that  to  do  with  my  sore  heel,  peeled 
to-day  by  the  hoof  of  a  clergyman's  horse  before  I 
could  get  out  of  the  way  ?  The  event  called  forth  the 
following  lines,  written  while  laboring  under  great 
mental  excitement. 

How  blest  is  he  above  the  many 

Who  turns  by  prayer  a  handsome  penny ! 

Far  richer  pickings  he  commands 

Than  ears  of  corn  rubbed  in  the  hands. 

How  different  now  from  days  of  yore, 

When  sandal-shod,  and  spirit-sore, 

With  stiffened  joints  and  limber  thews, 

And  garments  damp  with  midnight  dews, 

The  poor  Apostles,  staff  in  hand,     . 

Went  limping  through  a  stranger's  land. 

]STow  charge  they  up  and  down  the  way, 

Like  jockeys  on  the  "Derby  day  ;  " 

And  we  poor  wights  must  waltz  aside, 

And  let  the  pulpit  princes  glide, 

Or  have  a  phaeton  o'er  us  wheeled, 

Or  have  our  heels  adroitly  peeled. 

Oh,  money!  money!  root  and  start 

Of  every  sin,  'tis  claimed  thou  art ; 

But  let  them  doubt  the  fact  who  will, 

'Tis  money  spreads  the  gospel  still. 


THE  DYING  YEAR, 


21* 


DECEMBER  31st. 

The  year,  decrepit,  bent,  and  gray, 
Is  hobbling  from  my  gaze  away ! 
Limp  on,  old  thief!  thou'rt  near  the  deep 
In  which  thy  predecessors  sleep. 
One  shuffling  step,  a  moment  more, 
And  you  will  topple  from  the  shore ; 
And  with  thee  go,  Time-shaken  dame, 
The  curse  of  one  I  may  not  name, 
What  ten  long  years  of  toil  had  brought 


4:90  DRAWING  TO   A   CLOSE. 

Ye  stole,  nor  left  behind  you  aught 
Save  cankered  hopes,  and  rooted  fears, 
And  channels  plowed  for  future  tears. 

Everything  must  have  an  end,  even  a  tape-worm,  and 
with  the  closing  year  I  close  this  book.  ~No  doubt  there 
are  many  things  which  should  have  been  said  before  the 
end  was  reached,  but  it  is  too  late  to  remedy  the  evil 
now.  Perhaps  I  should  have  been  more  enthusiastic 
over  the  beauty  of  California's  daughters,  who  are  in 
truth  peerless ;  or  eulogized  her  sons,  who  are  indeed 
hairless.  Perhaps  I  should  have  spoken  of  her  broad 
valleys,  and  wondrous  products;  but  leave  that  to 
writers  who  love  to  delve  among  pork  and  potatoes. 

Enough  for  me  to  state  that  her  beets  and  mangel- 
wurzels  grow  so  large  they  have  to  be  blasted  asunder 
with  giant  powder  before  removed  from  the  ground. 
I  was  evidently  not  formed  to  write  of  cattle,  of 
cauliflowers,  or  corn  in  the  ear;  I  have  a  higher 
and  holier  mission  to  perform.  If  I  was  given  to 
mope  through  musty  sober  facts,  I  might  tell  you  that 
the  wind  at  present  writing  is  "sou'  west  by  south," 
with  a  strong  tide  setting  in,  literally  alive  with  shrimps 
and  muscles.  But  this  intelligence'  would  hardly  inter- 
•  est  the  reader.  Neither  would  he  care  to  hear  that  a 
contrary  sausage-maker,  "hung"  the  jury  last  night  in 
a  cow  case ;  neither  would  it  cause  his  heart  to  leap 
within  his  breast,  or  his  cheek  to  become  flushed  with 
joy,  to  learn  that  San  Francisco  is  ablaze  with 


THE   CURTAIN   DROPPED. 


491 


rejoicing  because  she  has  at  last  found  one  exemplary 
official,  one  person  in  power  who  refused  to  accept  a 
bribe.  The  worthy  individual  is  a  stove-pipe  inspector 
from  the  eighth  ward. 

These  things  may  be  of  vital  importance  to  San  Fran 
ciscans,  but  would  hardly  interest  people  of  the  outside 
world. 

Therefore,  to  you  who  have  journeyed  with  me 
through  the  past  eventful  year ;  to  you  who  laughed 
with  me  over  things  ridiculous,  and  with  me  wept  over 
the  sins  of  the  times ;  I  say  we  may  meet  again  and 
learn  to  know  each  other  better ;  but  for  the  present, 


BYS-SYfi. 


VNOF  THE 

UNIVERSITY 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN  INITIAL  FINE  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  SO  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $1.OO  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERDUE. 


MM    2Q  ,a. 

*w  I94S 

\OWay'60VB 

y-r.flrr-^r*-    ?    *"% 

• 

i&suyi 

---'  '             \ 

^y*j  o     iqp 

1 

Stf  11  1986 

AUTO.  DISC. 

r^OT       O   ^r\AO 

OCT    2  1986 

RECEIVED 

APR  2  b  199S 

CIRCULATION  UEPT 

LD  21-100m-12,  '43  (8796s) 

!34c 


GENERAL  LIBRARY  -  U.C.  BERKELEY 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


